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7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 1:34:00 PM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
Joined: 8/19/2008
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hello all,
my boyfriend & i are both 23 this year, at the end of this year we'll have been together for about 7yrs.
i really want to get married asap...
he has plans for us, but he says about 4yrs time:'(
and it's hard...what do i do...
i know he has reasons like he wishes to be financially stable...
what should/can i do?
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 1:39:31 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 1769
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My dh did about the same thing to me, I know it's hard to wait. It's like having a baby, if you waited till ALL your ducks are in a row and you're completely ready, you'd probably never do it. But he does have a point. In our case, it was actually more logical to go ahead and get married - he was working his way through school, we were paying two rents and two sets of bills, and he was uninsured where he could've been on mine. But getting himself through school was something he had to do to prove something to himself and he was also afraid if he allowed himself to be distracted, he'd get off track and never get it done.
Eventually, he graduated on a Saturday, we went straight to our "Rehearsal Luncheon" and then to the rehearsal, and then got married on Sunday afternoon. And we moved to another part of the state on Wednesday for him to start his new job. It was crazy! In the long run, I guess it was good we waited for him to get done what he needed to do.
Hang in there.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 1:52:21 PM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
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Thanks a lot...sigh.
Hanging in there - is so extremely trying :(
We're paying 2 sets of rent and all now...
Can it be shortened in anyway
and how do I be a patient & loving gf?
We both want to place Christ in the centre...
and do not want to cross boundaries as well
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 2:14:37 PM
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coolfamily6
Posts: 259
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My advice is to pray a lot about this.I do not know that I would wait 11 yrs for someone. Of course I have a lot of baggage about men leaving, so take that with a grain of salt.
Why 4 yrs? Is he finishing school? A higher degree? Why does he think financially he'll be better off in 4 yrs? Is his delay really only financial or fear?
The biggest question of all is do you really want to put off marriage, family, etc for him? Only you can answer that.
_____________________________
If your bible is a mess; your life won't be.
~Encouragement a mom gave to our children at our First Grader's Bible Ceremony!
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 3:28:12 PM
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Wild-Rose
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From: Upstate NY
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quote:
Can it be shortened in anyway
Compromise. You want to get married now and he says 4 years. So a good compromise would be 2 years. If he is not willing to even discuss a compromise then that also would be good information to know.
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 4:19:26 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4470
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quote:
Why 4 yrs? Is he finishing school? A higher degree? Why does he think financially he'll be better off in 4 yrs? Is his delay really only financial or fear?
These are some things I was wondering too.
quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
You first need to find out what his idea of "financially stable" is.
And I wonder this too.
I admit that I think most often a man putting off marriage for that long is probably not really interested in marrying.
A man who has found the woman he wants to build a life with is excited to build that life together.
But in your case, it really depends upon how he answers many of these questions listed.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 4:26:07 PM
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Kerryannism
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I feel your goals should match - your relationship has long been established and should have similar goals. Discuss and set goals together, perhaps he is over estimating the time in which you both can reach those goals.
11 years is a very long time to be dating w/o moving the relationship to the next level.
Something to ponder ... if his goals are financial, would you not reach those goals sooner if you were paying one set of bills as opposed to bills for two households?
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 6:55:08 PM
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saved_from_wrath
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I do not know about waiting about another 4 years. I would think if he is a guy and wants to get married waiting that long does not make sense. I guess if you can live without those benefits of getting married that is ok. I would not put anyone through that.
I do not think I could if i know was with someone that long there are not a lot of alternatives left, do it or go home. I hope he is not stringing you. along, about the stability you going to do what you can to get stable when your putting the other person first. I think he trying to give you lines....you might have to check yourself on this one
:)
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/19/2008 8:53:35 PM
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MC4JC
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IMO you are never really fianancially stable. As long as you don't have a really big debt, that's a poor excuse for not getting married.
You are both young and in 4 yrs you and him may not be in the same place in life. You and him can easily change your minds about the spouse you really want.
I think its good to wait for awhile. Being 23 and being together since a teen - that's good; however, many young adults change their minds quickly. If you cannot picture yourself being happy with him for the next 20, 30, 40 yrs then don't get married. Both of you should pray to God to be with the right person for you.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 1:39:43 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
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I guess I just feel it doesn't need 4 years.
I also know yes money is required - but it is not the TOP REASON...
like you said. I believe both of us manage our finances pretty well.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 1:42:19 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
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coolfamily6:
by the end of this year, he would have completed his degree.
He might be doing another year of honours...
but then, after that why is 3 yrs required?
He is saying that getting married in itself requires a lot of money
and he wants to be able to put a roof over our heads etc.
wildrose:
thanks... sigh. it just makes me upset...
everytime we bring this up it'll lead to tension or something
i don't know how to approach it anymore...
if he obliges... it won't really be happy will it?
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 1:47:09 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
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saved_from_wrath:
i wonder how many of you replying here are males?
i want to get married so it will move on in the physical level as well.
it's frustrating in so many ways to "wait"
esp. if it's at a point where it feels stuck...i think you know what i mean...
i don't really think he's stringing me along...
he loves me. i'm just worried if it's about other reasons as well,
not just the financial. here is where i'm wondering if im good enough
MC4JC: we're not in debt! yah and i'm worried in 4 yrs he'll change his mind. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 1:49:00 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
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crankius: yeah if you're crazy in love, right?
and after all it's been close to 7 years.
he says it's FINANCIAL. and that he's not READY
that he thinks 23 is a bit too young
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 1:51:49 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
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TO ALL: thank you so much... i hope you'll continue giving me feedback, advice and questions to ask him and what i should say and do...
thank you for your support & encouragement. really appreciate all this.
Kerryannism: the over-estimating part - he's always been more pragmatic whereas i'm the idealist - hopeless romantic. perhaps it could be less than 4 yrs. perhaps 3... but i know he doesn't want to give me an earlier date for fear he can't make it within that time period and he doesn't wish to disappoint me...
like WildRose, i was hoping for... engagement & registering really soon...like within a year, and within 2 yrs to be married...
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 4:17:23 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crankius
A man who has found the woman he wants to build a life with is excited to build that life together.
That is a dose of truth.
If I were in the position to get married to my girlfriend right at this point in time, I would in a heartbeat. I have never been one to think waiting forever to marry was ever a good idea, even if it were financial reasons.
You can't guarantee you'll be where you want to be four years from now. And if that be the case, you might look back and realize you wasted four years that otherwise could've been spent together.
quote:
ORIGINAL: fingerprintsofgod
and he wants to be able to put a roof over our heads etc.
You don't need to be a millionaire to be able to afford an apartment.
quote:
that he thinks 23 is a bit too young
He's five years older than myself. Yet, I feel the complete opposite.
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The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 8:08:54 AM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
quote:
He is saying that getting married in itself requires a lot of money
and he wants to be able to put a roof over our heads etc.
The first is not true. A wedding can be simple, tasteful and lovely on very little money.
The second is a noble goal but can be done with very little money, and two people working together to build their life.
Maggie is completely correct on both counts. But if you're planning on the two of you both working to save for a house (renting is insanely cheap with the housing market the way it is), then do invest in good birth control.
Can birth control fail? Absolutely, and you should be prepared for that. Is one of you going to stay home, will one of you work part time while a family member has the baby, is daycare an option? But truthfully, BC faithfully and correctly used is extremely good at what it does.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 11:00:27 AM
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saved_from_wrath
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I would have t concur what Pirate said, If I was at the point and I had someone I love I would do my bes to consider what will we do to make this work now.
No one here knows the context of your life but you. You have to think what is the best thing for you and what is God calling you to do.
thanks for the pm
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 11:06:09 AM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 412
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From: Upstate NY
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quote:
wildrose:
thanks... sigh. it just makes me upset...
everytime we bring this up it'll lead to tension or something
i don't know how to approach it anymore...
if he obliges... it won't really be happy will it?
I'm curious why you worry about his happiness, but he doesn't seem to be worried about you being unhappy. The fact that he is not willing to compromise is a big red flag to me. Do you really want to marry someone who is so stuck in his way of thinking that he is not considering your feelings?
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 2:34:38 PM
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fluffmonkey
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Has he prayed about this? Have you prayed about this?
Maybe 7 years is just around about answer and When he is finshed with school and has a job and has held it for a bit...then maybe he will feel secure and ready for marriage... Does he plan for you to stay at home?
Maybe he said 7 years because he wants to suprise you sometime ?
Take away all those thoughts on marriage and future for a moment then truely pray to God about His will for you...and pray that God let you know when the right time is...
I know how hard it is to be patient when you want to be married but please trust me and pray. God will direct and guide you as He has done with me.
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Seven years to long - 8/20/2008 3:38:39 PM
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saved_from_wrath
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I think you need to get out of it. I could not think of doing that to someone I love
You should cut your losses and get out...does not sound like your getting what you want. You are a beautiful person I can see that this is killing you. I am sure there is someone who really wants you to be a partner in a marriage...from what you are saying he is not it
Take what I or anyone says at it is. I do not your dad or your holy spirit.
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/20/2008 4:12:23 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2851
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From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: fingerprintsofgod
crankius: yeah if you're crazy in love, right?
and after all it's been close to 7 years.
he says it's FINANCIAL.
that he thinks 23 is a bit too young
quote:
and that he's not READY
That's the real answer for "Why". He's not ready. 23 years old can be a lot younger for a man to get married than for a woman. As long as he's not ready to marry then pushing him to be ready will not benefit you or any future marriage.
Evaluate your relationship with him in regards to engagement and marriage. If he is not ready now, regardless of what he says, there is a possibility he will not be ready in 4 years either. Are you prepared to accept that eventuality? What if he's not ready until he's 35? How long are you willing to wait for marriage, for children, for him?
quote:
i want to get married so it will move on in the physical level as well.
it's frustrating in so many ways to "wait"
Let's get real practical here. If it is getting more and more difficult for you to wait for the intimate marital relations then you need to back off from the relationship pronto. If you two have been chaste up to this point for 7 years I imagine it is getting pretty difficult. Another 4 years will be extremely difficult unless you cool the relationship significantly. If the protracted waiting for intimacy isn't a difficult thing for him then you may have more issues than his "not being ready".
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/21/2008 7:47:57 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
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DreadPirateRandy:
why are you not able to marry your gf at this point in time then?
at what age would you think you'll settle down with your gf?
yeah. i guess...i just want it asap...if possible with the preparations and all...next year or something. like propose now.
i dreamt that he propose yesterday. sigh.
it's been 7 yrs...if i do wait another few more years..does it matter?
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RE: 7years.wanting to get married - 8/21/2008 7:49:28 AM
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fingerprintsofgod
Posts: 49
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3capuccinosmom:
may i know how old are you and at what age you got married?
if you had an only son - how old do you see him getting married at?
or what's ideal?
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