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A Life for a Life - 6/27/2009 10:03:54 PM
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Mark0
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All power and praise
Be only to God
Who over the shadow
Of my death hath trod
He gave up His blood
He was nailed to my tree
That the angel of death
Would Passover me
For the blood on my hands
Was the lamb crucified
For the exceedingly sinful
The sinless one died
For if justice has judgment
The guilty must pay
Or there can be no mercy
Only moral decay
There is only one verdict
To end all the strife
And a price has been paid
A life for a life
< Message edited by Mark0 -- 6/29/2009 10:25:51 AM >
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/27/2009 11:56:52 PM
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slushie
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That's a really good poem!
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/28/2009 4:48:36 PM
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Mark0
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Thanks, Slushie. God Bless You.
Mark
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/28/2009 8:28:27 PM
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slushie
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The only thing I'm unsure about is the punctuation. I'm not sure how punctuation works in poetry.
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/28/2009 9:04:56 PM
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Mark0
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Well Slushie, it's like this. I'm not really sure either. Therefore I don't put in any unless the line is a question, thus a question mark? or if the line has an obvious break in it that requires a comma, period, semi-colon or whatever.
Did you have a question about any part in particular? Thanks,
Mark
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/29/2009 10:27:14 AM
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Mark0
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I just want it to convey the fact that Jesus took my place of judgment. Grammar is hard to get a handle on in poetry. I think you're getting pretty close to prose when you need to make complete sentences. Thank you for your interest.
Mark
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/29/2009 9:46:17 PM
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slushie
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Well, I write free verse so that's pretty much a different area. Do what seems best.
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/29/2009 10:54:05 PM
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Mark0
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I could never do free verse. I just can't think outside the lines, I guess. Hats off to you.
Mark
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/30/2009 11:11:17 AM
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Elena1030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mark0
I just want it to convey the fact that Jesus took my place of judgment. Grammar is hard to get a handle on in poetry. I think you're getting pretty close to prose when you need to make complete sentences. Thank you for your interest.
Mark
Poetry isn't exempt from the rules of grammar. Nor does using punctuation turn a poem into prose.
Choosing to omit punctuation does depend on the effect you're trying to achieve with the poem: what "packaging" is needed to best convey your message? (e. e. cummings didn't use punctuation all the time... nor conventional spacing!  )
If your style is to omit ending punctuation, that works. But perhaps the internal punctuation should be preserved in order to help the reader know what phrases are connected. (Though now I see that all the punctuation would be at the end of each line... that's just how the "chips" have "fallen" here.)
Choosing to use punctuation.... here's what it would look like (preserving your preference to cap each line, which is a common convention in poetry):
All power and praise
Be only to God,
Who over the shadow
Of my death hath trod.
He gave up His blood.
He was nailed to my tree,
That the angel of death
Would Passover me.
For the blood on my hands,
Was the Lamb crucified.
For the exceedingly sinful,
The sinless One died.
For if justice has judgment,
The guilty must pay;
Or there can be no mercy,
Only moral decay.
There is only one verdict
To end all the strife,
And a price has been paid—
A life for a life.
I really like your using Passover, the noun, as a verb -- kind of a play on the event of (and feast of) Passover... not merely passing over... but Passovering, which alludes to the huge significance of what Christ did.
For a straightforwardly put message in rhyming poetry, I think you've done an excellent job, Mark0!
In the style that I use in my products for work and for my own writing, not only do I capitalize He, Him, and His when referring to the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit; but I also capitalize words that refer to Deity, like Lamb, One, and so forth. Hence, my capping of those words in this version of your poem.
You also get kudos for good spelling! 
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RE: A Life for a Life - 6/30/2009 8:00:00 PM
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Mark0
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thanks Elena. I appreciate the grammar lesson. I guess that's why I omit ending punctuation. I just never can get a handle on it.
Mark
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RE: A Life for a Life - 7/10/2009 7:11:44 PM
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WholeHeart
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One thing that I would suggest working on in this piece is the rhythm; it is fine in most places, but there are a couple of awkward bits. Wording choice can make a big difference in this. For example,
quote:
For if justice has judgment
The guilty must pay
Or there can be no mercy
Only moral decay
could be something like this:
quote:
If justice has judgment,
The guilty must pay;
There is no mercy,
Just moral decay.
See the difference? Read the two out loud. Also, one reason for using ending punctuation is that certain punctuation marks can actually take the place of certain words, and they don't add any syllables.
If you aren't familiar with consciously controlling the rhythm of a piece, one easy way to start is by simply counting syllables. Stresses and meter have a big effect, but syllable count can go a long way toward evening out rhythm.
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RE: A Life for a Life - 7/10/2009 8:00:39 PM
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Mark0
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Thanks Wholeheart.
What I meant to say but it is too late now I think (the edit icon has disappeared) was:
If judgment has justice
the guilty must pay
or there can be no mercy
only moral decay
I realize the meter is off a bit. However, without the "or" I feel I would loose continuity of thought. Thanks,
Mark
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RE: A Life for a Life - 7/10/2009 8:09:03 PM
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WholeHeart
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You could try, "or there is no mercy/just moral decay" or something similar. If the "or" is important, by all means, leave it in. "Just" for "only," however, means the same thing with one fewer syllable, which helps the rhythm here. "Is" for "can be" is less certain; you will have to decide for yourself whether it would still say what you mean. Anyway, those are just examples; always remember that you have final say over any aspect of your own writing, and there may well be other ways to fix a certain problem than what another person first suggests. But you're welcome.
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