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Adultery - 5/15/2008 12:19:02 PM
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emon7
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Joined: 5/15/2008
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My husband and I have been married for 11 months. In our ninth month of marriage he cheated on me with my best friend. their affair started the day after my birthday (01-28-08) and lasted until the day I found out (03-27-08). My husband's character throughout this whole ordeal scares me because he acted like a sex crazed maniac and went after this woman. The other woman has fault, but I never knew this person my husband had become. He talked to her over 700 minutes in just one month. He told her he loved her and that he wanted to get her pregnant and then preceded to try and do so. He told her intimate things about our marriage. After I found, out he lied about everything. I actually got the truth from the woman. I went into a rage and yelled and screamed at him. I was mad but I never did anything drastic or crazy. He locked me out the house twice, and was just plain nasty to me. I eventually moved out for a couple days and he decided to admit to the things the other woman had told me. After all this we still tried to work on our marriage. I will ask him questions and he acts as if I'm the bad person cause I still ask questions and he is trying to get over it. I look through his phone and one night I noticed that he sneakily had taken his phone into the bathroom with him while he showered. He never does that so I asked him why he did it. He says "so that you will ask to look in my phone." So I ask and then take his phone. I see that he had turned the sound off on his phone.That was really suspicious to me. Basically I need advice. My husband loves GOD. I know that he wants to live for GOD. He prays and reads more now and he attempts to fast. I see his spiritual efforts but I see also how he acts. He acts as if I have no right to question him about the stuation because he has already told me everything. He is still lying about things and I don't feel he is truly remorseful..My instinct is telling me that it will happen again. I don't want to be with him but i don't want to upset GOD by having a divorce, someone please give me GODly advice.
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RE: Adultery - 5/15/2008 2:12:13 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 811
Joined: 11/28/2005
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You two should be in marriage counseling.
It's important to establish an attitude of forgiveness.
What you and him have to work on as a couple is effective communication.
Your husband has some personal issues he needs to address - like why he jumped head-long into an affair?
Did you rake your "best friend" over the coals?
She showed no respect for you, your marriage or the friendship!
Are you questioning her motives and actions like you are doing to your husband?
Your "best friend" reciprocated your husband's affections/attention - she was talking back to your hubby for over 700 minutes in one month! She was having sex with him all those months.
I find her behavior outrageous for a "best friend"!
Then she told you all the details --- did you yell and scream at her?
*Hello*
This "best friend" is no friend!
The other thing is... has either of you found out if she's pregnant?
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RE: Adultery - 5/15/2008 4:34:26 PM
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isaiah6524
Posts: 18
Joined: 5/14/2008
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I agree with Jaime, counseling would be a good start if both of you are willing. Also, read Matthew 5 and 1 Corinthians 7. If your instincts are right, and his actions of late are simply that: actions, not a true representation of his heart, it will shine through in counseling. (from a true, licensed/certified, schooled counselor!)
In what way are you working on your marriage? Is he working on it as well in any way?
Do you have prayer support from a mentor, small group or bible study?
Does your husband want to stay married? I hear you say you really don't want to. And I agree with your instincts that, as a general rule, "once a cheater, always a cheater," but people DO change, and Prayer has a lot to do with that!
I'd attempt counseling, and if he still seems insincere in his repentance, think about seeking guidance from your church leadership.
Don't buy into his drama about you checking up on him. He probably won't accept it, but he should understand why you don't trust him, and that trust is earned! It may not be necessary to rub his face in it, (not that I'm saying you do!) but the fact is that he's proven himself untrustworthy. He has a responsibility to you and to God to remain faithful to his covenant marriage and he's broken that.
God hates divorce, yes. But it is not a sin. Adultery is a sin. There are very specific guidelines about when divorce is and isn't appropriate and what the ramifications are. Study up, be in prayer, get someone (or many!) to pray with you and for you.
Just be willing to be honest with yourself, knowing where your motives are, before you do anything drastic.
_____________________________
I will provide their needs before they ask. I will help them while they are still asking for help. (Isaiah 65:24, NLT)
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RE: Adultery - 5/17/2008 7:29:34 AM
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BlueGuy07
Posts: 3
Joined: 3/27/2008
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Emon7-
Just so you know, I've been married for 10 years, my wife had an affair that lasted about the same length of time last year.
First: Your husband must commit to No Contact (NC) with the Other Woman (OW). NONE!
Second: Who knows about the affair(A)? Keep that list as short as possible! People like to talk, the more who know, the more people will be talking about your marriage and may give confusing and conflicting advise.
Third: Get counseling! Good, Christian based, Professional Counseling! I recommend someone that neither of you know or your pastor (objective 3rd party)and who has a good reputation (we went to one 40 miles away from home). This way we both felt more comfortable than being in our own town and accidentally running into someone we knew. If your husband does not want to go, he may just be embarrassed or he may think what he did is no big deal or he does not care. Embarrassed?...Get over it he embarrassed you! No big deal?...Has he ever read the Bible? People were stoned for this offense! He does not care?... He will do it again unless he gets right with God.
Fourth: Healing takes time and a willingness to let God work (it is helpful if your husband is willing). There is still not a day that goes by that I don't feel the deep pain of her betrayal, but at least it dosent consume me as it did then. Seeking God helps. Pray all the time! Read His precious Word daily!
By the way you have every right to check up on him. I hope he is not that selfish! He is the one who broke your vows, who sinned against you and God, who broke your heart and shattered your confidence in him and yourself. This is the bed he made. If he is truly repentant, he will understand your distrust and will always be willing to build that trust in any way he can. If not, so much for his loving God and wanting to live for Him as you stated he wants to do.
I just prayed for your marriage.
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RE: Adultery - 5/17/2008 9:00:17 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 482
Joined: 7/25/2007
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. To be betrayed by your husband and your best friend is heart wrenching.
You don't have to make any life changing decisions right now, you can take your time. Please get yourself into counseling and if he will go so much the better but you go by yourelf if neccesay.
Take care of your self and again I'm sorry for your pain.
God bless you
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RE: Adultery - 5/17/2008 9:43:08 PM
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buckifn
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quote:
I don't want to be with him but i don't want to upset GOD by having a divorce, someone please give me GODly advice.
First of all God is not going to hold you accountable for being the one to break your marriage vows your husband did by choosing to have an affair. Second of all, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in God's love for us ALWAYS exists. He does not love sin but He does love us, His creation.
Please try to see what is happening has nothing to do with God's love for you not being present. IT IS! Did you know He hurts when we hurt?
The best advice I can give you at the moment is to focus on God's never ending love for you, and give all your pain totally to Him. Ask Him to totally heal you, heal your marriage, and set your husband free from the bondage of sin.
Counseling is good too but seek God more than anything. His grace love and mercy is right there with you right now.
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RE: Adultery - 5/18/2008 11:51:29 AM
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creationtalk
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My heart breaks for you. BTDT
agree with buckfin
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RE: Adultery - 5/18/2008 6:57:02 PM
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carl54
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Jesus listed adultery as an exception when it comes to divorce because he hates adultery more than he hates divorce. Adultery violates the physical "oneness" God intended for a married couple to the extent that God sees it as a deal breaker. However, because adultery has occured it doesn't mean there has to be a divorve. If the offending spouse is penitant, seeks forgiveness, turns his back on the sin and the person he perpetuated it with, there is a chance. But he has to demonstrate his worthiness to you. It burden is on him, not on you. If he can't handle this and be accountable to you, you may want to think about leaving or be prepared for a repeat of the offence. If there isn't deep, sincere repentance to the point to where he is willing to be accountable to you, NO DEAL!
I'm praying with you.
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: Adultery - 5/20/2008 1:44:04 AM
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whisper
Posts: 169
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Obviously none of us have enough details to really and truly tell you everything that you need to do in the next while. I know this might not be particularly helpful, but I do wonder if it is possible that your husband is bipolar? I've known a few manics who have exhibited behaviours and attitudes otherwise very uncharacteristic of themselves in times of mania. This might be a first episode.
I do hope for safety and healing for you. Please don't settle for anything less than full disclosure and a full sincere commitment to change from your husband.
I'm very sorry for your awful hurt.
_____________________________
You can't make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your bum. And who wants to make bumprints in the sands of time?
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RE: Adultery - 5/22/2008 4:07:03 PM
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depressed2
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Joined: 5/22/2008
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I cheated on my husband years ago and we made it through thanks to JESUS. I recently became friends with as guy at work and flirted a little. Nothing happend, there was not ocuhing no kissing or sex not even sexual talk just becase friends and once I felt it was not right or headed in a different direction I let him knwo right away. Now I feel extremly guilty about this and can not get over it. I feel like I have once again betrayed my husband and I am so unworthy.
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RE: Adultery - 5/22/2008 4:14:14 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1634
Joined: 9/20/2005
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depressed(You need to get a different name, sister---one that ENCOURAGES you, not brings you down!),
Maybe if you shared this with your husband, your burden would be lifted----especially since you recognized the danger right way and nipped it in the bud............
The enemy likes us to keep secrets...........and if you are really struggling with guilt, maybe sharing that---exposing it, so there are no secrets between you and your husband----will be of great help. Sometimes when we push things down and try to cover them, they have a habit of coming back up and causing trouble at a later time (by giving place to the enemy due to the secrecy).
Don't beat yourself up. Thankfully, you slammed shut that door before any real damage could occur. Blessings...........
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Adultery - 5/23/2008 12:12:12 PM
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BlueGuy07
Posts: 3
Joined: 3/27/2008
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Blast-
I feel your comments to depressed2 are right on. Trust is everything!
Take it from me, Im a BS and I know the pain all too well. I would rather be told and deal with the pain that my wife let down her guard for a short while because she realized what she was doing and discontinued the action. She should never let wedge like this come between them; even if he doesnt know about it, she does. Keeping secrets of this nature given the past behavior can really destroy trust if it is ever found out. She should be prepared and willing to answer questions her husband might have as well.
I feel that she should tell him but pray to God first for the strength and words needed to make her husband understand. It might make the trust stronger.
Praying for depressed2!
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RE: Adultery - 5/23/2008 2:32:05 PM
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depressed2
Posts: 2
Joined: 5/22/2008
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To Lastblast and blueguy07,
Thank you for your words of encourgement, I should of put in the message that I have told my husband. I actually told him the coversations we had and that I did indeed flirt alittle and he feels that although he hopes that I do not do that agin he is very grateful that I was able to recognixe trouble and stop it before it became really bad. I still can not get over this guilt. I relive it over and over in my mind going through the mistakes I made and where I could of changed so it did not even become what it became.
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RE: Adultery - 5/23/2008 3:23:31 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1634
Joined: 9/20/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: depressed2
To Lastblast and blueguy07,
Thank you for your words of encourgement, I should of put in the message that I have told my husband. I actually told him the coversations we had and that I did indeed flirt alittle and he feels that although he hopes that I do not do that agin he is very grateful that I was able to recognixe trouble and stop it before it became really bad. I still can not get over this guilt. I relive it over and over in my mind going through the mistakes I made and where I could of changed so it did not even become what it became.
Depressed2,
If you are overwhelmed with guilt...........and you have confessed and are not still doing the wrong things, then you are coming under the enemy's condemnation. Don't fall for it! I think it is wonderful that you confessed this to your husband and that your husband responded with the heart of the Lord towards you. You have to know that the Lord allowed this situation to happen for a reason. Scripture teaches us that our flesh is weak, no? Many times the Lord allows situations to occur in our lives to SHOW us where our flesh is weak so we LEARN (and that is what you are doing by replaying it in your head--what you should have done---that is GOOD thing, helpful for the future). It is for OUR knowledge so that in the future, we can guard ourselves better AND help others in the same areas where we have been tempted and have succombed either in full or in part. We can then help others to guard themselves from the same things.
Look at this situation as something that will make you STRONGER. As I said, Paul was very clear that our flesh is weak and that we are not to think too highly of ourselves(meaning ANY of us can fall----even the most "godly" if they do not guard themselves). Not wanting to feel guilty is a good thing in that it will cause us not to do something, or if we do the wrong thing, guilt will cause us to strive not to repeat it again in the future.
But.........sometimes guilt is a response that shows us we somehow thought too highly of ourselves----pride in self---- (ie; yeah, OTHER people do that, but I can't believe "I" did that!). Having a REAL understanding of the weakness of flesh (because we fall down----and not just the "other guy") will give us MORE compassion towards others who fall down, and then we can be an encouragement for them to pick themselves back up and keep striving to walk in the Spirit, overcoming the flesh/temptations that come our way. Blessings 
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Adultery - 5/23/2008 7:38:27 PM
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HappilyMarried
Posts: 964
Joined: 7/24/2005
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Emon7,
I am praying for you and your husband. As I saw other's mention, you need to get into marriage counseling. The fact that he is still hiding his phone from you is bothersome to me because if he has nothing to hide why does he care if you look at it?
Let us know how you are doing.
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RE: Adultery - 5/28/2008 4:15:01 AM
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mimi254
Posts: 32
Joined: 12/28/2007
Status: offline
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Emon7,
So sorry that you are going through this betrayal from your hubby and best friend.
May the forgiveness of God flow through you and heal your huring heart. May he also enlighten you and enable you to handle the situation just in a way that glorifies Him.
Take heart my dear!
I've prayed for you and your husband
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