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CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 10:26:28 AM
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bluestone
Posts: 1450
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From: Saturn
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I changed churches well over a year ago after being very very active in the same church for many years. I had what I thought were life long relationships with people there. We cried together, ate together, worshipped together for over 25 years.
I had really changed doctrinally, and after a couple of major church splits, felt it was a good time to move on. I did not realize that leaving the church would cause people to cut me off totally. If I call old friends from the church to chat, or run into them in Walmart, etc. they turn the conversation into when am I "coming home" and a fair amount of criticism about the denominational change,as well as questions about where I now attend church.
I no longer get emails or calls when someone dies, or is seriously ill.
Has anyone else been through this type of thing?
I don't see why I have to go to church with people to still have a friendship.
I have no doubt I made the right decision to leave, but it hurts to see people so bound up in one church that they can't maintain relationships outside of it.
Looking back, I feel that perhaps I was used for all I could do.
_____________________________
Iron sharpens iron, while mush just sinks into the pot.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 10:39:39 AM
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NoShow
Posts: 339
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We changed churches and experienced similar things with some people at the church we left. But not all of the people are like that.
Some understand a change or growth in ones walk with the Lord, sometimes calls for such a change.
Ironically, one of those that just seems happy for me is the Pastor at the old church. Our paths cross about every six weeks or so and he's never mentioned coming back. He asks how I'm doing work, family, health-wise and always asks about my relationship with the Lord. We'll often grab a cup of coffee and sit and visit and he's always more than happy to discuss Scripture with me.
It's like he sees\treats me as a brother in Christ and not as one of his flock that bailed. Some of his flock should follow his lead.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 12:05:15 PM
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Calea37
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I wonder if maybe part of it is that the bulk of your relationship with most of the people was at church or church functions. Sometimes I think people feel "abandoned" when someone leaves the church. Often times I think if the one who left still worked at having a relationship with them they would. Maybe they think since you left you aren't interested in relationship? (just throwing the idea out there for ya)
We have friends who left the church and we are still very good friends with them...it just takes a little more work because we don't see each other every Sunday now. When they left we made a point of saying we weren't going to let the friendship die off.
As for them saying, "When are you coming home?" Awww...try to take it the way they probably intend it; they miss you and feel like you are part of the family and want you to know that. Can't blame them for trying...sometimes people who left a church return...(we did!)
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Calea
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 1:25:09 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 5195
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Yes, I switched churches not too long ago and have experienced something similar. I struggled with whether or not to leave my previous church, and was unable to discuss it with anyone at the church, but was fortunate to have a couple friends who are strong believers that I was able to toss my frustrations around with.
I agree that sometimes the people at the church you have left may feel a sense of abandonment. It took me a while to realize they could feel that way, and it was only after spending some time with hurt feelings for feeling that they had abandoned our friendship that I realized I was the one who chose to walk away from that setting/relationship. I also agree that these were people (the majority of them) whom I only ever saw at church and various church events ... but not anywhere else. So, not having any reason other that attending church and church events, and fellowshiping with them in conjunction with these things, and having moved on and making new connections, of course there is going to be a split.
However, and considering you attended that church for 25 years, if they are people you socialized with for other reasons and in other contexts other than church services and events ... I don't know what to say.
I have no doubt I made the right decision to leave, but it hurts to see people so bound up in one church that they can't maintain relationships outside of it.
Yes, it hurts. Moving on sometimes hurts, but making the right choice for you is very important. Good for you moving on and expanding your horizons! So many people get caught up in their "church" or denomination, that they forget that we are to be with other believers, and not just the group that attends the local XYZ denominational church. If it helps any, I have made the choice to believe that they have compartmentalize themselves.
(And for a little smile, I came across this statement when contemplating this issue: "The word "compartmentalize" means to separate into distinct parts. I am intrigued with the fact that the word "mental" is in the word. For me, it illustrates the need to separate mentally what we are doing.")
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Sam
"You're my nightcap"
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 1:33:07 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 2102
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From: upstate NY
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at my previous church, people would leave on bad terms and i actually think that is more common in my area than people leaving on good terms which is a strange concept. yeah that is pretty insulting about asking when you are coming home like you are a sinner living in the world. to me, i really wish i could have communicated my leaving better, some people didn't know we had left the church even after a couple months. i don't have a lot of contact with previous members but am friendly when i see them and we maybe say hi. and it is sad in a way, i was a part of that body for 12 years so i understand what you mean. there are a few people i may stay in contact with to some extent, but life is busy and everyone has their own circle of friends, etc
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 1:37:57 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 1450
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From: Saturn
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
at my previous church, people would leave on bad terms and i actually think that is more common in my area than people leaving on good terms which is a strange concept. yeah that is pretty insulting about asking when you are coming home like you are a sinner living in the world.
exactly. I talked to the pastor first, then to several friends and explained I felt I had outgrown the church a long time ago. I had changed theologically, and really did not feel I should keep going there. Also, due to the church splits, things were starting over with very, very, basic milk sermons and studies. I was in need of something more advanced, and something I felt Biblically was closer to my understanding.
Fact is, some think I have backslidden for leaving that particular church and denomination. People did not understand, and for a while I was "witnessed" to.  I think because most folks leave on bad terms or to go back into sinful living, they had a hard time with my going on without malice.
_____________________________
Iron sharpens iron, while mush just sinks into the pot.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 2:16:29 PM
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Memaw.
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From: Sunflower State
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In my experience, so many times when someone leaves they use the "shake the dust off" scripture so that the ones who stay feel like they are the "dust".
Not saying you did that, but you know how easily people can get their feathers ruffled.
Talk to them, maybe you can get some insight into why they are reacting the way they are.
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~Kimmie
 When you go through menopause they don't tell you what you are becoming. I think I'm becoming my Dad.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 2:21:09 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 1450
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From: Saturn
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kimmie,
I have talked to them quite a bit. They feel:
I was wrong to leave the denomination, since they have it "right"
I was wrong to leave the church because I am needed so badly.
Other churches don't preach strict holiness like they do, so I must be backsliding..why else would I go to a different church?
I need to come back and stop believing differently.
It was not a cult, although it sounds like it..perfectly respectable denomination that several here are members of.
_____________________________
Iron sharpens iron, while mush just sinks into the pot.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 4:56:58 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1265
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You changed churches because you changed doctrinally...which means you longer believe in the same as your former does...this is why you are feeling the rejection...With that being said...you have to accept it and move on...
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 8:00:24 PM
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stampinlady
Posts: 1937
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Northern IL
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It happens to everyone and I think sometimes it's necessary to leave some "friends" behind. True friends will stick it out though, imo. We went through this awhile back and I found that most weren't real friends at all, just social ones. I also found that no one wants to stay friends with those who constantly complain about their church.
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Deb
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/8/2008 8:44:44 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 928
Joined: 1/22/2008
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quote:
Has anyone else been through this type of thing?
I don't see why I have to go to church with people to still have a friendship.
bluestone,
As one who left a church and did cut off relationships, I can share another perspective. That is not to say that I am not friendly when I see those who are still in that church. I am. But the relationships could not continue. The leadership of the church is in sin which is why my husband (who was also in leadership there) led us out. We cannot continue to fellowship with those who are choosing to follow a man leading in sinful actions. We can turn a blind eye to sin or we can walk away and not condone it. That is what my husband said was needful and that is what we did. All of those who KNOW left. Many choose to not know. So that is their choice and we have left them with their choice. Anyway, just another perspective for you to ponder.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/9/2008 7:56:34 AM
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Judah1966
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I also found that no one wants to stay friends with those who constantly complain about their church
Thats a good point or talk about your experiences and causing others to leave not saying that would happen but the possibilty is there.It hurts but I understand.When we left The Baptist Church our friends were so hurt, us too, it took years to heal from the hurt Im mean we are not close like we once were but we still love each other and consider ourselves to be Brothers and Sisters in Christ.All I want what is best for them and I know they want whats best for me.I will miss them until we meet again in eternity.
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Treat others the way you want to be treated and you will fulfill the requirements of the law and live.My pic is some of Hurricane Katrina coming on land in 05.We relocated because of it and will continue to feel its affects maybe for life.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/9/2008 5:21:55 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 1450
Joined: 2/25/2008
From: Saturn
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I have never trashed the church, complained , or whined. I stated why I was leaving, and did so. I changed, the church did not.
_____________________________
Iron sharpens iron, while mush just sinks into the pot.
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/9/2008 7:45:08 PM
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bltormey7
Posts: 19
Joined: 5/6/2008
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I just learned how this feels lately! My friend and I just left the church that we have been going to for almost 4 months. We love the people, but the Pastoring wasn't what it should be and it was a little bit condemning. It is one thing to convict with love and another to condemn. Anyways, that isn't what I'm meaning to say anyways.
What I was meaning to say was that we are going through the time where a new transitioning of people is happening. Not many people from the church we were going to before talk to us. They will wave as they go by the house, but that is about it...
I guess. Things change in life. Sometimes for the good and sometimes for what doesn't seem to be fair or comfortable, but if we keep Jesus as our focus things should continue to go well...
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...perfect love casts our fear....
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RE: CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WHEN CHANGING CHURCHES - 5/9/2008 7:49:38 PM
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bltormey7
Posts: 19
Joined: 5/6/2008
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also...
love should go beyond what church you go to...especially in the Christian faith, but I guess, to me, most times that doesn't happen...
You be who you are, you continue to love and don't compromise yourself because of others...
you can't make anyone talk to you...but you can make your choices...
...you will know them by their fruits...
_____________________________
...perfect love casts our fear....
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