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Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 6:27:37 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 130
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Okay so there's this situation at the place where I'm taking classes. For some reason there's a woman in my class who, for reasons I'm not sure I understand can't stand me, doesn't talk to me, and seems somehow either afraid me, intimidated by me, or disghusted by me...or some combination of the three.
It's odd because when we first started taking classes together we got along great. She's a nice Christian lady, who really seems genuine in her beliefs, and has a tremendous capacity for kindness towards everyone in our group...except for me. The strange thing is that as far as I know I'm the only other practicing Christian in our group. Very strange, on the few times where I've asked her about whatever it is that's happened I've gotten comments like "I thought you might be interested in me" "It's nothing you did" or "Thank you for your patience with me." But on the few times I've tried to resolve whatever issue we're having (which again I'm not sure I even understand) she is kind of short and curt with me, trying to get away as soon as possible.
A while back she sent me an email asking me to stop talking to her, and that sometimes you don't get an answer to why people treat you in certain ways. She also said that she didn't hate me in all that. I sent her back an equally strongly worded email where I told her that I'm learning to embrace my capacity for apathy and told her that basically we have to tolerate eachother not like each other. Even though I guess I'd like for us to be friends, but that's not required. I don't know if it's petty to say it, but I told her that the desire for a lack of communication between us is something that we mutually agree on.
But then whenever she has something to share with our group, she includes me, and has even talked to me on occasion. Giving me food, candy, and even a rose along with every other member of our class.
I don't mind saying that on occasion I've felt like just telling her off, and telling her that I don't need her to patronize me by giving me gifts. It upsets me, and what really bugs me is that it doesn't make any sense the way we treat eachother. On paper, given how similar our beliefs are, and that we are pursuing the same interests (book illlustrators) we should get along great.
Does this make any sense to you guys?
< Message edited by StephenJ -- 5/16/2008 6:40:57 PM >
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 6:36:36 PM
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csl7037
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People are weird. If this is someone you just met in the course of taking this class, I'd think maybe your impression of her wasn't correct - maybe she's just loopy.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 7:10:58 PM
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Wild-Rose
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quote:
we are pursuing the same interests (book illlustrators) we should get along great.
This is my gut feeling without thinking too much. She could be interested in you and she thinks that you are interested in her, and for some reason this scares her to death. This may have nothing to do with you. She might be getting over a past relationship.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 7:47:52 PM
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DustyLady
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I think you're spending too much energy on this, and worrying about it too much. For whatever reason, she prefers not to interact with you on a one-to-one level. While it would certainly be nice to know why, and to rectify the situation, it appears that isn't going to happen.
My advice is to resign yourself to the fact that not everyone in the world is going to like you, and spend your time associating with someone who does. If she changes her mind about you, then welcome her friendship. Until then, don't let it ruin your life.
Dusty
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 7:49:39 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 130
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Wild Rose: Possibly, I guess but here's the thing there's an age diffrence. I'm in my early 20's and she's approaching 40. I usually have a rule about not dating people more than four years older than me, but it's not a hard and fast rule. Age is just a number, and I wouldn't be so close minded as to say age is all important.
She also once told me, and one of our classmates that she doesn't date much when the topic came up at lunch. So I don't know if it's a past relationship that's at issue here.
In any case I wrote her an email once assuring her that if she was worried about something happening with us she didn't have to worry, we could be strictly platonic friends, and that I thought there was alot we could learn from each other. Still she always avoids me. If I even get within a few feet of her (it's a small school with only 20 or so full time students) I see her either outright bolt away, or make sure to move a few steps away. She's always open, and really, really friendly to everyone else in our very small class, but she's just very cold to me.
I have wondered if it was some sort of racial thing, I'm the only black guy in the program, but I'm not sure if it's even that. It's very confusing, and doesn't make much sense to me at all.
Dusty Lady: I mentioned before that I told her that I was learning to embrace my capacity for apathy. There was a point that I basically told myself, you should treat her just as coldly and as curtly as she treats you, and that you shouldn't care one bit about if you hurt her feelings or not. I told myself that I should tell her to keep it whenever she offers me something nice, because I don't need her to pretend that she cares. I know that she gives these gifts to the other members of our group because she genuienly likes them, but if she's giving them to me I'm thinking it must come from some kind of odd sense of obligation, or worse patronizing.
The problem is that I know this kind of thinking is vindictive, and comes mostly from frustration on my part. On the other hand I've learned that people treat you the way that you let them treat you and that you shouldn't be a doormat.
Really infuriating.
< Message edited by StephenJ -- 5/16/2008 8:13:34 PM >
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 7:54:10 PM
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DustyLady
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quote:
ORIGINAL: StephenJ
Still she always avoids me. If I even get within a few feet of her (it's a small school) I see her either outright bolt away, or make sure to move a few steps away. She's always open, and really, really friendly to everyone else in our class, but she's just very cold to me.
I think she's made it quite clear that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. To pursue her further would constitute stalking, in my opinion. She doesn't want to have anything to do with you on a personal level; it's time you took no for an answer.
Dusty
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"The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion." -- G.K. Chesterton
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 8:15:14 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 130
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DustyLady
quote:
ORIGINAL: StephenJ
Still she always avoids me. If I even get within a few feet of her (it's a small school) I see her either outright bolt away, or make sure to move a few steps away. She's always open, and really, really friendly to everyone else in our class, but she's just very cold to me.
I think she's made it quite clear that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. To pursue her further would constitute stalking, in my opinion. She doesn't want to have anything to do with you on a personal level; it's time you took no for an answer.
Dusty
Well it's not like we can really avoid each other, simply the fact that there are only 13 of us, we have classes four days a week together, and have to use the same fascilities.
And actually she's the one who offers to give me (and everyone else) food and stuff whenever there's a birthday or special event. So even though we both agreed that it's a good idea for us to not communicate, we still do sort of, and often times it's her initiating those very short conversations.
It's odd.
< Message edited by StephenJ -- 5/16/2008 8:24:11 PM >
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 9:08:10 PM
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DustyLady
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I didn't say that you should avoid her. But accept what she DOES offer, and be grateful for that. Some people you just can't figure out, or change. And trying to do so will only drive you crazy. Just accept them for what they are, and go on with your own life.
Dusty
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"The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion." -- G.K. Chesterton
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 11:03:47 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 130
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Sorry I thought that you implied that I was actively talking to her all the time and bugging her.
And I've told her that even though there's an olive branch there if she wants it, I don't want to communicate with her either.
Truth be told I have felt at some points that I should tell her to shove it, keep all her gifts for someone she likes, and that I don't need her to give me things when she can't stand me. But I'm not sure I can bring myself to be that cold and mean to anyone.
< Message edited by StephenJ -- 5/16/2008 11:15:15 PM >
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 11:15:27 PM
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Prairiehiker
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Here's what you do. Be civil towards her, but don't go out of your way to have any conversation with her. If you see her, say hello, or nod your head to acknowledge her. Leave it at that. If she offers you something, take it and say thank you. If she asks you something, give her the answer and no more. If she wants to start a personal conversation, be polite, answer questions, but don't offer any personal opinions. Give her facts, no more. Do this if you really want to just see her as a person you take classes with and no more.
She's driving you nuts so create the distance but be polite and civil.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 11:21:40 PM
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coinpurse
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Dont accept the gift...Bring your own lunch and say to no thanks politely to hers...
or I guess you can accept, but dont think that means you are going to be friends or that something is going to change. Be cordial but keep your distance/boundary.
She said stop talking to her...Dear me, RESPECT THAT. It doesnt matter what the reason is (whether she secretly likes you or hates you)...Do what she asks...even if it appears that shes wishy washy...YOU dont be wishy washy. Keep your distance and stick w/it. Just my opinion. of course, I dont mean be rude.
Sorry this is happening to you.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/16/2008 11:51:29 PM
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StephenJ
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What's really odd is that when we started our classes together last Fall we got along pretty well. Then just one day in November it was just like boom things just changed between us.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/17/2008 12:14:47 AM
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Prairiehiker
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Why is she so important to you? Why does her action bug you so much. It's obvious that she's got some issues with you. YOu've tried to resolve it and nothing change. Then let it go.
My guess is either she likes you romantically but she knows you don't like her that way OR she thinks you are interested in her and she wants to create some distance between you two but trying to remain polite by including you with the rest of the group.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/17/2008 12:46:01 PM
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ladioffaith
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It sounds like she's trying really, really, really hard not to encourage you.
Let her.
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his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/17/2008 10:23:28 PM
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StephenJ
Posts: 130
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Why is she so important to you? Why does her action bug you so much. It's obvious that she's got some issues with you. YOu've tried to resolve it and nothing change. Then let it go.
My guess is either she likes you romantically but she knows you don't like her that way OR she thinks you are interested in her and she wants to create some distance between you two but trying to remain polite by including you with the rest of the group.
Because I like to fix my problems, whatever they might be with people. I guess I just like for things in life to make some kind of sense.
Ladiofaith: Mission accomplished I guess. Though I have to wonder why she'd still feel the need to do that after I told her that she didn't have to worry about me persuing her. I do worry sometimes that things are so far gone that even if she tried to be nice to me I'd end up saying something hostile that I'd regret.
< Message edited by StephenJ -- 5/17/2008 10:47:15 PM >
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/18/2008 11:00:12 PM
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pgc85
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Here's what you do. Be civil towards her, but don't go out of your way to have any conversation with her. If you see her, say hello, or nod your head to acknowledge her. Leave it at that. If she offers you something, take it and say thank you. If she asks you something, give her the answer and no more. If she wants to start a personal conversation, be polite, answer questions, but don't offer any personal opinions. Give her facts, no more. Do this if you really want to just see her as a person you take classes with and no more.
She's driving you nuts so create the distance but be polite and civil.
I completely agree, sometimes people may have gone through dramatic relationships, tragedy, or any other situation that affects how they interact with others. There's not too much you can do to help her in this case. Its just best for you to sit back and just be polite just like 'hiker said. If and when she wants to open up, she'll do it, just let her and don't force anything to happen.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/19/2008 4:14:07 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 618
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quote:
ORIGINAL: StephenJ
Okay so there's this situation at the place where I'm taking classes. For some reason there's a woman in my class who, for reasons I'm not sure I understand can't stand me, doesn't talk to me, and seems somehow either afraid me, intimidated by me, or disghusted by me...or some combination of the three.
Perhaps she is in fact afraid or intimidated by you for some reason.
It's odd because when we first started taking classes together we got along great. She's a nice Christian lady, who really seems genuine in her beliefs, and has a tremendous capacity for kindness towards everyone in our group...except for me. The strange thing is that as far as I know I'm the only other practicing Christian in our group. Very strange, on the few times where I've asked her about whatever it is that's happened I've gotten comments like "I thought you might be interested in me" "It's nothing you did" or "Thank you for your patience with me." But on the few times I've tried to resolve whatever issue we're having (which again I'm not sure I even understand) she is kind of short and curt with me, trying to get away as soon as possible.
What has she done that was unkind to you? If she is polite and includes you in on the goodies she shares with the rest of the class then I don't understand how she's being unkind.
Also, it sounds like for some reason she thinks you were attracted to her at some point and it trying to let you know in a nice but firm way that she isn't interested and only wishes to be polite but not friends.
A while back she sent me an email asking me to stop talking to her, and that sometimes you don't get an answer to why people treat you in certain ways. She also said that she didn't hate me in all that. I sent her back an equally strongly worded email where I told her that I'm learning to embrace my capacity for apathy and told her that basically we have to tolerate eachother not like each other. Even though I guess I'd like for us to be friends, but that's not required. I don't know if it's petty to say it, but I told her that the desire for a lack of communication between us is something that we mutually agree on.
Did you question her more than one time about what was wrong? I'm just a little confused here so maybe more detail would help.
But then whenever she has something to share with our group, she includes me, and has even talked to me on occasion. Giving me food, candy, and even a rose along with every other member of our class.
I don't mind saying that on occasion I've felt like just telling her off, and telling her that I don't need her to patronize me by giving me gifts. It upsets me, and what really bugs me is that it doesn't make any sense the way we treat eachother.
If she is simply doing for you what she is doing for the rest of the class she is being polite. There's nothing wrong with having good mannners so I don't understand why you are upset. It would be petty and immature and unChristlike if she excluded you from what she was giving the rest of the class.
On paper, given how similar our beliefs are, and that we are pursuing the same interests (book illlustrators) we should get along great.
Just because you are both Christians (I'm assuming that's what you're referring to here) it doesn't mean that you will or even should be friends. Again, just because you have some common interests/beliefs it doesn't mean that you will be friends.
Does this make any sense to you guys?
Not really. Unless I'm completely misunderstanding everything, it sounds like she's afraid/intimidated by you and just wants to maintain a polite, civil relationship with you as nothing more than a fellow classmate.
And I fail to see why that would upset you. Unless you used to be really good friends and she is now ending the relationship? Or maybe you were attracted to her at some point and are feeling a little jilted? Then it would make more sense for you to be this upset/angry. But as you've described it here I'm confused at your reaction to her.
ETA: I just realized you said this......
quote:
on the few times where I've asked her about whatever it is that's happened
which would indicate you've approached her more than 1 time after she began indicating she didn't want to be friends. Questioning her 1 time is fine, 2 times is pushing it and anymore than that is harassment IMO.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 5/19/2008 4:23:51 PM >
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/19/2008 5:54:36 PM
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Ashyah
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It looks to me that maybe you had a relationship with her or came across as wanting one or something else that she doesn't feel comfortable with.
She is respecting you by including you in things that she does with others.
You need to leave her alone. Respect her.
Let it go.
Why are you so concerned? Pray and ask God to help you release these feelings.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/19/2008 7:27:02 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1222
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I think it's a racial issue...Perhaps others have made some mention of the fact that you are the only black male in the program...she may have gotten some flack from other outside of the class. She may feel there is nothing wrong with you personally (explains the gifts, etc) however, she is keeping her distance...
I personally would stop accepting the gifts and maintain the politeness but leave it at that...If she is not sure about you...why do you still accept the gifts?
Is there an interest in her from you? Otherwise what is the real intense to get to the root of this issue...Why be confused with something that is beyond you??
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/22/2008 1:27:04 PM
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admill0
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I hope I can help. I have had some years of experience being the "weird girl". I to gave mixed signals, went hot and cold, sweet then scared, nice one day avoid you the next. So yes the root problem is hers. And yes she obviously knows this she even said so that "it was her and not you"
. And if I"m right on the money she desperately wishes she were normal. The hardest people to love are those who need it the most. My advice is take it one class at a time and respect her boundaries because she just cant help it right now. Good news is if she is a spirit filled believer God is working with her to heal her and help her like he did me.
Insight yes she problably was interested in you but cant react like normal ladies. Yes she might be so scared of you that she might be disappointed and hurt if she lets you in. The gifts she gives are because she wants to be liked that is how she gets her love without the risk of getting hurt. Years of Abuse/neglect/emotional and physical torture warp people especially kids. Luckily I'm 25 sorry to hear that she is 40 with these issues.
If you are still interested in her once again respect her boundaries and if she gives you gifts act delighted and appreciative. Every little drop of kindness you show her will be like Gold to her. But when she backs off so do you. Eventually she may deem you SAFE WILL NOT HURT OR ASK TO MUCH OF ME. Then and only then can you pursue a relationship and who knows you may help heal her like my husband did me.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/23/2008 4:04:52 AM
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StephenJ
Posts: 130
Joined: 12/3/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
which would indicate you've approached her more than 1 time after she began indicating she didn't want to be friends. Questioning her 1 time is fine, 2 times is pushing it and anymore than that is harassment IMO.
I only attempted to really talk with her about it once. I breathed in, figured that things couldn't get worse and walked up to her. When I asked her if we could talk she just very flatly told me, no that we couldn't talk about whatever it is we're at odds over. I don't see how attempting to resolve a conflict is equal to harrasment.
quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
I think it's a racial issue...Perhaps others have made some mention of the fact that you are the only black male in the program...she may have gotten some flack from other outside of the class. She may feel there is nothing wrong with you personally (explains the gifts, etc) however, she is keeping her distance...
I personally would stop accepting the gifts and maintain the politeness but leave it at that...If she is not sure about you...why do you still accept the gifts?
Is there an interest in her from you? Otherwise what is the real intense to get to the root of this issue...Why be confused with something that is beyond you??
I've thought about the fact that she may have some issue with black guys, but I don't think that's the case. She's very interested in other cultures (ironically something we have in commen) and she mentioned to the class once that she shopped at an African market.
Anyway I'm genuinely considering telling her that I don't need her to be nice to me if it's coming out of a place of obligation. She likes everyone else, it makes sense that she'd give them stuff, but if you can't stand someone and have expressley told them that you don't want to communicate with them it doesn't make sense. The fact that off all the males in the class it's me that she singles out for this attitude tells me that it's a me thing, not a thing about men. I'm learning that people treat you the way you let them.
Admillo: I don't know. I did think she was attractive, she's a kind and open person to everyone else, I can see that. She's clearly a devoted Christian, and she's not ugly either. But I don't know if that's an issue, like I said there's a 17 year age diffrence, and I highly question the wisdom of hooking up with anyone in my very small art class. It's just not a good idea.
I guess I'm just the type of person who see's an issue and try's to fix it instead of letting it be. I like to know why exactly I'm having an issue with someone because in some sense I like to be in control. I like to know why things are happening, and I like for things to make logical sense.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
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RE: Could use some insight into this very odd situation. - 5/23/2008 4:28:06 AM
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OLEEguacamole
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