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Divorce in future - 8/30/2008 8:44:19 PM
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light4christ
Posts: 1
Joined: 6/9/2005
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I've been married for 10 years and i have three beautiful healthy children (4, 2, 8mos) my husband has been unfaithful in the past and we went to marriage counseling. I thought things were better but he recently started on online affair with a woman he met at work. He was to meet her to have relationships but changed his mind. Now he says he doesn't love me and if i want we'll get a divorced. I'm so angry and hurt and while our marriage has not been the best (except for the kids) i really thought God could do a miracle but instead he cheated AGAIN and he doesn't want to fight for our marriage and frankly neither do I. I guess i just needed some encouragement because i really feel lousy. I feel bad for the kids and i guess i feel bad that i didn't get my happily ever after.
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RE: Divorce in future - 8/30/2008 8:51:02 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16958
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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Attention: Moderator's Note:
Before things head that way, please remember that this is not the place to discuss the right or wrong of divorce. You may offer encouragement and ideas to help her marriage, but if you want to discuss the actual topic of divorce, you will have to take it to the One Stop Thread. Thanks!
Please email community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments or concerns.
Please do not respond to this post within the community or PM me.
Karlie,
Forums Moderator
_____________________________
1 day of coal...364 days of fun. I'll take my chances!
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RE: Divorce in future - 8/30/2008 9:18:01 PM
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shadowspring
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((((((((light4christ))))))
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"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Divorce in future - 8/31/2008 12:04:59 PM
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p.progress
Posts: 149
Joined: 12/23/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: light4christ
I've been married for 10 years and i have three beautiful healthy children (4, 2, 8mos) my husband has been unfaithful in the past and we went to marriage counseling. I thought things were better but he recently started on online affair with a woman he met at work. He was to meet her to have relationships but changed his mind. Now he says he doesn't love me and if i want we'll get a divorced. I'm so angry and hurt and while our marriage has not been the best (except for the kids) i really thought God could do a miracle but instead he cheated AGAIN and he doesn't want to fight for our marriage and frankly neither do I. I guess i just needed some encouragement because i really feel lousy. I feel bad for the kids and i guess i feel bad that i didn't get my happily ever after.
Dear Light4Christ (LFC),
I rose very early this morning, so I got up and went online. I saw your post, read it and then wrote to you, to encourage you. Right at the end as I was trying to proof-read, the battery went out and that was that.
I have a little time now to try to restate, but in more crude form what I thought of and desired to encourage you in.
You say you want some encouragement - here it is:
"Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed." [Heb.12:13]
You know where the writer of the letter to the Hebrews got that exhortaion from? Here, in Isaiah:
"Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees.
"Say to them [that are] of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come [with] vengeance, [even] God [with] a recompence; he will come and save you.
"Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
"Then shall the lame [man] leap as an hart, and the tongue of the dumb sing: for in the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert.
"And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habitation of dragons, where each lay, [shall be] grass with reeds and rushes.
"And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it [shall be] for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err [therein]. [Isa 35:4-8]
Let me add here another powerful and sobering reminder of the good thoughts that God has for those that get out of the way, either through sin and rebellion or else lack of initial wise and good direction, or else having this, but in the midst of trials and tribulations, they become "weary in well-doing" and have "forgotten" the exhortation of God to them as children (sons/daughters) that you can read, meditate and receive wisdom and comfort from in the Hebrews passage (read Heb.12:1 thru 15 and on) quoted from above.
And her is that other powerful passage:
"Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where [is] the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk [therein]." [Jer 6:16]
You need to fight! Fight the good fight of faith sister! For not only your husbands sake and your childrens sake but for your sake and the sake of those that later on in time, God would desire to use you to encourage to do the same and prevail over the trials and tribulations and the sufferings that we all must endure in this world to enter the kingdom of God:
Hear the Word of God speak of this to us all. Was this ONLY for the first century believers? Let us not be so foolish to think so:
"Confirming the souls of the disciples, [and] exhorting them to continue in the faith, and that we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God." [Act 14:22]
I do understand what you are going through, though a man, I too have faced great hopelessness, and that does not only rob you of the strength you need to carry on, but IS WHAT robs you of God's strength. I am not pointing any finger at you, that I have not already had to allow the Word of God point IT's Finger at me first. It is an issue of our failure to be in the power of God's grace; and that occurs becaue we become too preoccupied with the things of this world, and lose to some appreciative degree of our absolute NEED, dependence and requirement to "abide in Christ", abide in His love, and Word of God.
Have to go now to soon, but go to your knees; allow yourself to be broken before God. But this takes some time to come to this, so cry out to him and in good time as you do so having faith he will answer your pleas, he will break in on you in a way you will afterwards find yourself regretting you did not do so much earlier. I know what I am speaking about here. Please do not be angry with me in being too quick or too blunt. Think of all this, read the passages above on your knees. Love your husband even though he has done all this to you and the children....and to your 'dreams' and expectations. DO NOT ALLOW your dreams and expectations that have seemingly crumbled before your very eyes casue you to become angry and bitter with your husband - he is lost, he is lost in some way, that you need to be compassionate about while hating the effects of his sin. DO NOT allow yourself to become bitter at him, NOR...NOR at God. Be real before God. Just be ready to realize that he did not cause any of this, sin did; but he permits things to occur to teach ALL involved to learn and be comformed intoi his image. Have to go. Bless you fight...fight the good fight of faith. What are the alternatives?
P.P.
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RE: Divorce in future - 8/31/2008 10:22:34 PM
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Alegra
Posts: 13
Joined: 8/28/2008
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((((light)))) Wow! I know your pain. My h had an affair too - yuck. I hate to hear news of others going through the same thing. I know you must be out of patience, I found a lot of help and comfort through divorce busting. If you google it, you can link to the divorce busting website. the founder is extremely pro-marriage and offers help to anyone facing marital trouble. At the very least there is a forum of folks all fighting for their marriages - you aren't alone in your battle! You don't have to decide today to get divorced. Just take it one day at a time. Time is on your side. I'll be praying for you!
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RE: Divorce in future - 9/13/2008 6:07:56 PM
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divorcingmyself
Posts: 20
Joined: 8/25/2008
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The primary thing that I can say is remember that the Father may hate divorce (you will hear that a lot), He loves His Children. It takes discipline to focus on that assurance, but it needs to become your bedrock. Hold onto the Father's Grace with white knuckles. I encourage you to avoid hanging around fellow believers who encourage you to bash him (though it certainly sounds like he deserves it), as while this may feel good in the moment, it will be a cancer eating away at your ability to forgive, love, and show grace towards him. Each of these are things that we are called to show to all. And especially important as you have children.
Does he have Christian friends that he values? Try to talk to them without coming off as undermining him. This is possible and I'm praying that if this is an option, the Lord will lead him and you to a mature brother who can help him see his actions more clearly.
Divorce always involves feeling bad, among other emotions. Divorce should be avoided, but when you can say from your heart and before Your Creator that you have done all that you can, separation may be the only option. Reads to me that you are at this point. If your husband won't agree with separation, then divorce is often the only alternative in most US states.
If the both of you agree to separate, then be certain to get a legal agreement, carefully defining both of your responsibilities to the children and financially. There are Christian attorneys that can help you in this process. Keep in mind that to be consistent with the Scripture, you should remain sexually inactive during separation.
I have friends that have been separated for over 14 years (they have been married for 30), both Christian and both realize that they can't live with each other. Been through decades of new ideas in counseling, pop theology, you name it. This is not the best situation, but through it, at least the woman has been able to develop quite a ministry of her own through her example to other of Christ-like love towards people that are hard to love.
So divorce is not inevitable, even if living together is impossible.
"Father, I pray that you take this sister into Your Hands and give her wisdom as she determines what her path should be in this situation. Please remind her that through Your Grace, You love her and have called her to show that love and grace towards her husband. Direct her path towards loving support for her family in this difficult time. In Your Son's Name, I ask this. Amen."
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RE: Divorce in future - 9/30/2008 3:42:10 PM
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leesw
Posts: 23
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline
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Please, before you divorce, take a look at http://www.marriagesaver.com
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RE: Divorce in future - 10/1/2008 12:37:35 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 781
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Divorce won't solve his real problem... he needs to address the issue
of promiscuity.
Being single will not make his problem(s) go away - he will still be doing
the same thing... being a man engaging in sexual activity with other women!
He will still have a family to support, bills to pay, children to raise and a job to work.
The only thing different will be him living in a different place with his divorce papers and the knowledge his three children are with their mother who's facing an economy that is sinking in debt, banks failing, homes are falling into foreclosure at an alarming rate...(is divorce the better way?)
Are you both wanting to be divorced so badly that neither of you can muster enough strength to fight for your marriage?
You want a happy ever after... really? you want a happy ever after - then pull yourselves up by the boot straps and fight for your marriage!
Happy ever afters aren't handed to you on a silver platter!
People who've been married a long time have been through some stuff! I know many couples who have been married for a long time... more than 30 years - they've been through adultery, children on drugs, cancer, heart disease and they are still together... and they are together because they fought for their marriages... many tears were shed, egos got bruised and rear ends got kicked... they kept working on their problems! Many of them separated a time or two but they continued working on the issues until things got worked out.
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RE: Divorce in future - 10/30/2008 1:35:53 PM
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tn1
Posts: 167
Joined: 9/22/2008
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Light4Christ,
A good book to read, "Surviving An Affair" by Harley and Chalmers is an excellent resourse.
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