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Exhausted - 10/23/2009 8:24:02 AM
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Lyrach
Posts: 90
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Hello again Crosswalk family!I have an incident and would love your input. My deal : I get up for work at 4:30 a.m. to get ready & go to work (there by 6 a.m. when traffic is good). Then, I get home to my boys, one of whom is down for a nap, the other usually stays up for a while.....until it's time for the older (napping) child to wake up... anyhew, point is, I have anywhere from 16-18 hour WORKING days. So last evening, my dh was nice in thinking we could all run errands together. So, I did, and then by our last errand I fell asleep in the car...it was 9:30pm... so, by 10pm that night, kids are in bed... and I am literally walking around in the house trying to keep my eyes open. I told my dh that I needed to go to bed (training for my job, if I do not pass their standards, I will lose my job.). He said okay, but then 30 min later, he came into the room and asked if I'd go with him on one more errand. I was like, um, I really need to go to bed. So, he left to go do the errand, I crashed in bed. He got home at like 11:30 pm. He came in our room to hug me  ..but then he lays next to me and says, 'honey,' and I'm dead to the world... so I said,'yes'... and then he shoots back with, 'never mind,' and was literally pouting. So, naturally I said' what's wrong?' and he said, 'oh forget it, you're just sleeping'....okay,  I had TOLD him several times throughout the night that I was tired, dead tired. I am barely able to stay awake at work, take care of the kids, and try to take care of the house, get dinner ready, etc... I feel really upset, because it's like even after I set a boundary, I feel like my dh was being extremely inconsiderate, thinking only of his needs, while I literally feel like I'm dying. My schedule has been this way ever since I went back to work after #2 baby. Besides, it's 11:30pm, shouldn't people (with the exception of night shift) be sleeping??? I don't know, maybe I'm just being selfish, but I literally fight to stay awake every single day. Then, I'm supposed to be a happy, patient, and kind mother, and a "Donna Day" wife. Call me crazy, maybe I'm just not making ends meet with my schedule, but sometimes I really wish my health would fail so my dh would see that this is NOT an easy or healthy schedule to keep. Insight is welcome. Everytime I try to do something or tell my dh I need something to keep myself healthy, he comes back to his needs later. I feel like he does not care about me at all. He says he does, and that he just doesn't want me to be angry. I think that's selfish. The only reason he wants me to be healthy is so HE can have a good life? Call me crazy, but that does NOT sounds like a Christian way of living (which he proclaims he is). Any other view on this would be helpful. I am trying not to be heart broken and upset, I just want God's love to abound in my family!
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RE: Exhausted - 10/23/2009 11:18:03 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4043
Joined: 4/12/2005
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What can you take off your plate? Something clearly needs to go, and it shouldn't be your marriage or your health. 
If your dh is not living your same schedule, he probably has no clue how you're feeling, and if he's a night owl, then being active at 11.30 pm would be normal to him, just like going to bed earlier is normal to you.
I think a discussion with your husband is in order. You cannot keep going like this. But you do not have to frame it as him being selfish. You can frame it this way: "I want to be a responsive wife who has the energy to spend time with you, but I cannot because I am completely run down. We need to brainstorm some ways to change this. We could look at you (dh) taking on a pt job so that my work days can be shorter, or at figuring out chores and errands to that I don't have to be involved so much in doing them. You know the other night? I know you felt rejected and I'm sorry for that, but I was just dying for sleep, and couldn't think beyond that need. Maybe next time you could run the errands while I get the kids to bed early and take a couple hours to sleep, and then when you get home we can "visit" for a while." (that is, btw, how it usually works for us, as my dh is a nightowl and I'm usually ready to conk out by 8 pm)
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Exhausted - 10/23/2009 11:26:51 AM
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stampinlady
Posts: 2956
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Northern IL
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quote:
I think a discussion with your husband is in order. You cannot keep going like this. But you do not have to frame it as him being selfish. You can frame it this way: "I want to be a responsive wife who has the energy to spend time with you, but I cannot because I am completely run down. We need to brainstorm some ways to change this. We could look at you (dh) taking on a pt job so that my work days can be shorter, or at figuring out chores and errands to that I don't have to be involved so much in doing them. You know the other night?
Excellent points Maggie. And I think having the kids on a schedule makes life easier.
_____________________________
Deb
I most certainly understand now that God is not one to show partiality .... Acts 10:34
"When the fufillment comes the types and shadows cease."
Author unknown
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RE: Exhausted - 10/23/2009 7:17:08 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2145
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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A great big YES to the 'completely rethink' plan.
But as to the actual situation... What happened was that you decided on a reasonable bed time, and implemented it. (You didn't need his consent to do that.) Your husband was quite inconsiderate of your decision, but in the situation he seems to have realized it, and decided for himself that he shouldn't be bothering you... but he had the poor taste to pout about it.
As far as boundary setting goes, that's pretty normal, and not really a bad thing. You can't really expect him to be cheerful about this sort of thing. That's asking too much. What's reasonable is that over time he adjust his expectations and become more considerate of you once you have checked out for the night. You can help him with that by simply being consistent about it. Don't try to wake up, perk up, answer questions or do anything for him after bedtime. Just let him get used to the new reality. You can be sleepily pleasant... such as saying with a smile and your eyes closed, "Can't talk.Sleeping."
If you do go to bed at 9:30 each night, that might really be all you need as far as keeping the exhaustion at bay.
But you don't get to be passive-aggressive and petulant about your situation. Running yourself ragged just to try and get him to notice and care is not the answer. You are an adult in a tough situation... so undertake it responsibly, by making good decisions and managing yourself in a wise way. You can't make your welfare someone else's job. Make it your job.
He's as free to talk about his needs as you are to talk about yours... the difference is you plan and intend to get yours met. You don't plan on giving consent to his needs getting a disproportionate amount of family time/energy/resources. That's your choice and your power. Use it.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Exhausted - 10/27/2009 2:12:27 PM
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Lyrach
Posts: 90
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Hey ladies, thank you SO MUCH for your respnoses....
3 capp's - if you can convince my dh to QUIT school, or let ME QUIT my job, that'd be great! Story is - my dh is the worship leader at church, that's his part-time gig. His full time gig is a music major (in his junior year)....now, this means 4 hours A DAY for practicing, not including the other work he has to do for papers & the "regular" load for college work. My job, (the one that takes me away from the kiddos  ) is 32 hrs a week (which, sadly, most of the people in our church don't understand...they think I am a stay at home mom, which is hard enough, but no one in our congregation really knows how to honor a woman, nor really knows all the work they do....that's another issue for me)...anyhew, we also live w/my dh's parents in their upstairs, it's great for not having to go into debt while he's only working pt while going to school to "make things better" (which I am seriously re-thinking....will he have a family after this season is done? ). I agree with ya'll -not to be passive aggressive - I often think , ' well, if I just get sick enough then he'll see....' no so . In reality (we're going to counseling this Thursday - FINALLY!), I'd love to quit my job, and then, when the kids go back to school, go back to work! My dh has a strong conviction about putting the family first, but, in reality, he is getting consumed with his to do list. So, we're going to try & sort things out together. He told me he'd quit school if it ever came before his family, but when I tell him I see this, he tells me he's not putting school above us... . So difficult when we all have our different perspectives. Keep the advice coming, I value your help, and thank you for offering it!
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RE: Exhausted - 10/27/2009 2:24:36 PM
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car2ner
Posts: 2766
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: offline
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So much to do. It is hard to keep a balance. When I have to get up at 4am, m'love gets up with me. Than when I am feeling sleepy he is as well. It helps that we are both morning people.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
http://car2ner.imagekind.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Exhausted - 10/27/2009 2:38:16 PM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 1457
Joined: 11/21/2007
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I don't know exactly why but I have a problem with the verbage to convince your husband to quit school as compared to your husband "letting" me quit my job. I have read many of your posts so I think I understand sort of where you are at. To me, your husband sounds selfish putting his wants and needs above the family's wants and needs.
If it were me, I would probably sit him down and say, "Honey, I can no longer handle the stress of all of this. It is causing harm to me, the children, our marriage, and our family. So I will be handing in my two week notice on Monday. You are going to need to get a full time job to support the family." That really would be how I handled it. He cannot make your work. Obviously it is not a good time for his schooling if he is unable to support your family and take care of his responsibilities. That is bluntly what I think about it.
Karen
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RE: Exhausted - 10/27/2009 2:41:54 PM
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TXRedhead
Posts: 175
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: online
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What time of day are you getting home from work and what are you doing when you get there? You should be doing very little. House cleaning should be relegated to once a week - Saturdays - and everyone, including a child old enough, has to chip in to get it done [even young kids can be handed a Swiffer duster and do some good]. You and your husband can trade off getting the dishes cleaned up, or, even better, get in the habit of eating off disposable plates and drinking from disposable cups during the work week. Do a lot of crock pot cooking that will make meals that are leftovers so you aren't cooking daily; find the websites that show you how to cook meals for 2-4 weeks all in one day and just freeze them to use later. Keep the daily small messes to a minimum by simply limiting what you're doing.
As for errands, let your husband run them by himself. Also, assign errands that are simply his to do, like groceries, or trade off weeks in handling specific errands. If you're a member of Sam's Club, they have an online ordering system where you can order your groceries and they pull them, put them in a cart, and have them ready for you to simply pay for at the service desk. They just ring up the charge from the order form. Again, this is a huge time saver. Look for other areas to shave off time doing stuff you don't need to do.
When it comes to the kids, you don't need to be their entertainment. Certainly, spend time with them, but make a lot of it relaxing - like reading books or doing puzzles. Otherwise, let them play together on the floor while you relax on the couch watching.
I think sometimes people create more work for themselves in order to increase their role as victim. I don't know if this is true of you or not, but it sounds like you really want your husband to pity you and that may mean you are subconsciously making more work for yourself in the hopes he'll see it and feel bad and change things to how you want them.
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RE: Exhausted - 10/27/2009 4:19:52 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3295
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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When do you and your husband spend any time together? How much time in a day do you and he get to just be you and him?
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Exhausted - 10/27/2009 4:43:24 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 4499
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Land o Cheesecake and Pizza
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He practices four full hours a day? Wow, that's more than I did in a week as a music major (then again, I was a major slacker).
Where does he practice? Does he practice at school or at home? Is it possible for him to practice at home while watching one of the "awake" kiddos? I don't know how old they are, and what your husband is practicing (voice, piano, whatever). As a musician it's not the most ideal thing, as it can stir the concentration, but it could be something considered. Or how about if he does some of his homework while watching the kids? He should be able to handle music theory homework while watching a kid.
And then, while he is watching the kids, he can free you up to do some of those errands. It's not much, but it's a start to thinking "outside the box". As a music major, I am sure that he has creative thinking - perhaps it's time to put those creative skills to use so the loads can be lightened.
And by the way, what does your husband plan to do with his degree? Does he have any set plans?
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RE: Exhausted - 10/27/2009 4:55:25 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 4499
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Land o Cheesecake and Pizza
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Also, after looking at some more posts above, I wanted to echo the not being "passive agressive".
Husbands are not mind readers. You don't have to do everything. All it takes is a simple "Honey, can you please ________?"
Don't feel like you have to "cook" dinner every night. There are some nights where I've been so exhausted, I've done the simple "heat up the oven and throw something in". The frozen section has all sorts of varieties of meals that can be done for that purpose.
And one final(?) thing, when your husband DOES help you out, be sure to acknowledge his help and let him know that you appreciate his efforts. It'll go a long way.
_____________________________
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