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Friendship may be over - 9/18/2008 11:34:53 AM
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kiara_tiara
Posts: 4
Joined: 9/18/2008
Status: offline
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I started working with a friend back in June. I thought it was a bad idea, but I spoke with my husband about it and we decided together that it was the best approach (we had twins...3 kids now). Although my friend is a follower of Christ, I started to learn more about her at work and it started to disturb my peace.
She used to be a military officer...I was enlisted. She has been in charge for quite some time. However, the military let her "go" because of they could not pay for her salary (this happened to a lot of people, it's called Air Force Shaping-also because the president needs money to continue funding the war). It is obvious that she has not adjusted to that; I have seen her struggle to understand that nobody needs to "salute" her anymore, and that her accomplishments are not rewarded anymore with medals. Well, now we work in a company where there are no hyerarchical (did I write that correctly?) levels and it is driving her nuts. She says that managers are managers, and peers are peers. And that she needs to mentor the younger generation to be leaders. She always speaks about how she is a leader, and our company executive lack the skills she has as a leader.
Our boss once told her she would "lead" some assignment, and she took it very far. She thought he would fire the girl that is currently working on this project and place her there. However, she was placed there to "assist" rather than to be in "charge". She yelled at our boss repetedly over "you told me I would be the leader of this project." It was a constant battle that has lasted for about 6 months now; meanwhile, I listened to her stories on a daily basis. I thought that as a good friend I should listen.
Meanwhile, I thrived on the project and people started to praise my writing. She told me "well, you are a great writer but you should work a bit more on it to get better." I thought she was giving me great advice, I am a strong believer that nobody ever stops learning. However, once our coworkers started to praise me, she immediately started to criticize my work badly "oh you wouldn't be asking this if you read this thing I wrote" comments like that. Eventually, she realized that our boss was not giving her the "lead" that she said she deserves more than him because he is "weak, and does not like confrontation". Things got bad, she started to make some negative comments about our boss. Still, I separated myself from the incidents.
Finally, one day she scheduled a meeting without asking the manager and this is where it all started. My boss asked the next day about some "meeting" he saw on the calendar. I said, Oh yes "friend" scheduled it here's a copy of the topics" I had not idea he would be furious, plus my friend was already going to speak with him about ways to improve the project (which nobody at work is comfortable with her doing because they are uncomfortable with her). Anyway, he got on the computer and basically corrected her, and let her know that she was not the manager that he was, and to remember her role. Also next time let him know before doing this.
She finally snapped so badly that she was told to "leave" the project and focus on something else. She was also told to stay home for a week of "break". Now, she doesn't talk to me and treats me very differently. It's all strange. I do not understand this reaction. Last time I saw her and gave her good news about the project. She was annoyed when I told her that I have been able to break through some communications barriers that existed between the client and the company. I feel awful, but angry. I do not understand how this is all my fault. We prayed together over her problems at work, I even called my family for group prayer. I even sent her flowers as a feel-good gift. You know, as a sister more than a friend.
Please help me understand my  faults.
< Message edited by kiara_tiara -- 9/18/2008 12:51:09 PM >
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Hugs! Kiara_Tiara
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RE: Friendship may be over - 9/18/2008 11:58:40 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1893
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kiara_tiara
I started working with a friend back in June. I thought it was a bad idea,
Why was it a bad idea? There's a lot of this story missing, and that makes it hard to understand.
quote:
(we had twins...3 kids now).
Wait, you had twins with this woman?
She was also told to stay home for a week of "break". So this is military? You said company but what company can tell people what to do when that person is no longer employed by them?
quote:
Now, she doesn't talk to me and treats me very differently. It's all strange. I do not understand this reaction.
It's envy. She wanted that job and to be in charge, and now she doesn't have the job and you do. Plus, you're doing well and fixing some of the things that she tried to bulldoze and got fired for.
quote:
I do not understand how this is all my fault.
She envies your success - it's a sin. Hers, not yours. Knowing she's struggling with this, I wouldn't tell her another thing about it.
quote:
We prayed together over her problems at work, I even called my family for group prayer. I even sent her flowers as a feel-good gift. You know, as a sister more than a friend.
Sorry, I didn't realize you were a woman. That changes things. But she still envies you. Her sin, not yours.
quote:
Please help me understand my faults.
In her eyes: you're breathing. In God's eyes (as far as I know): none.
I suggest you don't talk shop with her anymore, though, because it hurts her. To knowingly hurt her would be a sin.
You might want to back your friendship down with her, as she's not as committed to you as you have been to her. And she's pushy and selfish. Pray for her - this could be a good learning time. God uses hard times to get our attention.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Friendship may be over - 9/18/2008 2:28:06 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Stop talking to her about your accomplishments at work. Its rubbing salt in the wound. Granted its a self-inflicted wound, but still a wound. It just doesn't sound like much of a friendship to me. Sounds like you don't really like her and visa versa?
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RE: Friendship may be over - 9/18/2008 7:24:12 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 778
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: online
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Your "friend" is smarting from being put on report so to speak,
then you came along and made her feel bad because you
made accomplishments she didn't - jealousy reared it's ugly head in her.
To your friend, it looks like you made her look bad.
A strong alpha type female thinks like that... that's why she doesn't get along with too many people in the civilian world ... her skills were appreciated in the military... she needs to learn how to get along with regular people.
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RE: Friendship may be over - 9/19/2008 8:59:37 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1549
Joined: 4/25/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
Your "friend" is smarting from being put on report so to speak,
then you came along and made her feel bad because you
made accomplishments she didn't - jealousy reared it's ugly head in her.
To your friend, it looks like you made her look bad.
A strong alpha type female thinks like that... that's why she doesn't get along with too many people in the civilian world ... her skills were appreciated in the military... she needs to learn how to get along with regular people.
I totally agree with this. This is an excellent time for her to learn about how the civilian world works. You'll have to determine if you still want to be friends with her. She might come back and tell you that she is sorry after she has had some time to cool off. She might not. Don't be so quick to think that the relationship is over ... this is kind of a tumultuous time. And, I wouldn't talk about work anymore ... it would be rubbing salt in the wound. Instead just pray for her and continue your work.
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RE: Friendship may be over - 9/20/2008 5:27:52 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 934
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
Status: offline
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Maybe you need to stay away from her for a while. give her some alone time to think and bring things into proper perspective, about a week or so. During this time you could keep her in prayer. Also, when you do re-initiate the friendship try to avoid bringing up work-related topics.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Friendship may be over - 9/20/2008 7:33:42 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1788
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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What qualities made you become friends with her? What do you have in common outside of work?
Everything you mentioned about her was negative. Are there any positives that makes it worth pursuing?
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