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Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 12:40:16 AM
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Above_All
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What do you think it means to honor your parents? We are instructed to honor them but what does that mean and what does it "look" like? Paul also tells parents to not provoke your children.
Here are some scenarios to get us started...
- Still underage vs being an adult
- Adult but living with your parents
- Married and living with your parents
I'd really like to know what it means to honor your parents vs. biblical and appropriate boundaries. KWIM? I realize that parents can differ in their opinion as to what is considered honoring.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 12:49:04 AM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Above_All
What do you think it means to honor your parents? We are instructed to honor them but what does that mean and what does it "look" like? Paul also tells parents to not provoke your children.
Here are some scenarios to get us started...
- Still underage vs being an adult
- Adult but living with your parents
- Married and living with your parents
I'd really like to know what it means to honor your parents vs. biblical and appropriate boundaries. KWIM? I realize that parents can differ in their opinion as to what is considered honoring.
Gee, you don't want much, do you? 
This has been or should have been the subjects of numerous books, and this covers a lot of ground.
I'll add just a little to get the ball rolling: the word for "honor" in Hebrew means to weigh or take under serious consideration. I think it implies deference, but I'm not sure. But it's not despotic obedience.
For my adult kid (how's that for an oxymoron?), she listens when I tell her something, and leans heavily in the direction of my advice. She figures God will use us to guide her so she pays attention to whatever her parents say. However, if she chooses to go a way other than the one we indicate, we don't force her to go down our path. She will discuss things with us, and I see her using her knowledge of Scripture to bring up things I hadn't taken into consideration. Yeah, I've had to change my mind a few times. But still, in the end, the two generations were in agreement. It's sweet.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 2:23:12 AM
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Above_All
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
This has been or should have been the subjects of numerous books, and this covers a lot of ground.
I'll add just a little to get the ball rolling: the word for "honor" in Hebrew means to weigh or take under serious consideration. I think it implies deference, but I'm not sure. But it's not despotic obedience.
For my adult kid (how's that for an oxymoron?), she listens when I tell her something, and leans heavily in the direction of my advice. She figures God will use us to guide her so she pays attention to whatever her parents say. However, if she chooses to go a way other than the one we indicate, we don't force her to go down our path. She will discuss things with us, and I see her using her knowledge of Scripture to bring up things I hadn't taken into consideration. Yeah, I've had to change my mind a few times. But still, in the end, the two generations were in agreement. It's sweet.
Very good start deermouse! BTW, cute handle. 
My parents are not believers and we tend to be very unequally yoked at times. They even offered my future husband and I to stay with them once married for awhile so that we could save money. At first we went with it but now we have made the right decision to be on our own. They don't like this idea really because all they can think about is saving money and I know that it also has to do with the fact that they would feel "empty". The funny thing is that my mom said that they are trying to understand where we are coming from. lol I currently live with my parents at this time.
So in a nutshell, it has been hard for me to "weigh in" and take things into serious consideration with them because it turn, they provoke me. And when I say provoke, I don't mean threaten. I mean that they push me, even when I have already voiced an opinion on something. I know they want me to change my mind. It's rather stressful at times. I have even been resentful towards them at times and act horribly, even if they don't say anything. It's a bitter attitude that I need to work on.
The next time they bring something up like, "Why? You both would benefit staying with us by saving money. It's so expensive.", I will just simply say, "Because that is what the bible teaches, that we are to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. The first years of marriage are the most important and it is important to get to know each other alone." How's that?
::
This is one example and scenario. Any others that can help us determine what is honoring and dishonoring?
< Message edited by Above_All -- 5/14/2008 2:44:51 AM >
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 9:19:42 AM
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stampinlady
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I hope this discussio n grows because this is a hard topic to discuss, especially for those of us who are just learning how to talk to our parents! At 44 I struggle with this and makde it a daily prayer request. I grew up thinking my opinion meant squat and when I did decided to speak up it was looked at as disrespectful, even as just a few years ago. I've read Deermouse's defenetion before and have appreciated it very much because it help me to decern certain issues I was going through. I heard a pastor speak on this and he commented that christian parents need to make it easy for their children to honor them and I really believe this is what God meant when he spoke about not provoking your kids to anger. I would love to read a good book on this.
Here's another question: What if you feel that you are honoring your parents, but they think the opposite?????
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 9:47:32 AM
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HisCovenant
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You rest in the fact that you have acted rightly. You can't control how others view your actions and feel about them. You have to either let it go or please them instead of God.
Deermousie stated what I believe the Bible means about honoring. To me, it also means that I will help my parents with their needs (true needs, not guilt tripped up wants) and that I am open to real reconciliation in the relationship no matter how bad it gets. I'm talking about true repentence where consequences of lack or trust are not ignored, here, not pretending to get along so we can be manipulated by parents.
I've struggled with this quite a lot because my father is manipulative and I don't feel respect for him. According to the Bible, respecting and honoring are two different things. Honoring is "giving weight" and respecting is "submitting in fear of authority." One thing both words have in common is that in Biblical use they aren't feelings, as we use them in Modern English.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 5:56:44 PM
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preserved
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I am thinking more in the line of respect...I have high respect for my parents as they have high respect for me...Although we do not always agree...but we all respect each other in our opinions.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 9:58:06 PM
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SavedByGraceMD
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I think honoring our parents means a lot of things.
Respect comes to mind first, giving them the respect they deserve. As providers, teachers, helpers, and the many other aspects of being a parent.
Also doing as told when you are a child, and taking their advice when you are older. I think as we grow older our parents become less of parents and more of friends, and our respect should only grow for them, as we learn what it really takes to provide for a family.
I also think honoring them means that we should take care of them as they get older. Do everything we can to help them out, as they always did for us.
Personally i am almost 32 and don't remember when the last time was that I said no to my father, if I ever did. As for my Mom, I have said no to her a couple of times, but always do whatever I can to show how much I appreciate all that she did and does for me. Out of respect, love and appreciation towards them, we honor them.
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Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/14/2008 11:44:05 PM
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Above_All
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Goes to show how the relationship goes both ways huh.
I wonder about the taking care of parents part. Is that honoring them though, being that it means to take things into consideration? Is it truly biblical? Nothing wrong with taking care of them of course. It's a good thing to do. But it makes me think about what it was likes in biblical times.
I know of families where care for elderly parents have put much strain on their own marriages. We don't live in a society where communities come together to care for one another. So the stress of wondering who will take care of us when we get older is present. As I think about it, if I had kids, I wouldn't expect them to care for me. It would be nice. But I would rather have them make their marriages take precedence over me. Perhaps this is why I ask this question.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/15/2008 9:53:24 AM
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HisCovenant
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I think there is a point where you can go past caring to enabling or idolatry. I also thing it's wrong to neglect other responsibilities to care for a parent.
I feel the same as you about having others care for me. I expect that I will go through many seasons of life and will have to lean on God to help me adjust. I don't expect anyone to neglect their own families to care for me. And I don't expect to be a child when it comes to changes that happen in my life.
Dh and I went through a hard time caring for my father & mother when he was very ill. Both the circumstances of the illness and my father's behavior as he got better was a trial. However, Mother, Dh and I stuck to meeting his real needs and not his demands. Dh and I stuck together and I didn't allow the fact that it was my father to blind me to his manipulations. If either myself or my mother had been taken in by him, we would have had 100x more stress.
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My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/16/2008 1:04:43 AM
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vicbhe
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Read this one in a book. The author explained it this way, he liked long hair but his mom was very much against it. So the one time a year he would travel home to see his folks he would stop and get a haircut before he got there, out of honor and respect for his mom's feelings.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/16/2008 7:49:16 AM
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Sadey
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How you honor your parents depends on what kind of parents you have.
If you have had good parents then honoring them just flows from you.
If your parents have been awful then I think you can still honor them biblically but its tough. And you might need some help in deciding how to do it without being swallowed up by them.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/19/2008 2:09:37 PM
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3tulips
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
You rest in the fact that you have acted rightly. You can't control how others view your actions and feel about them. You have to either let it go or please them instead of God.
Deermousie stated what I believe the Bible means about honoring. To me, it also means that I will help my parents with their needs (true needs, not guilt tripped up wants)
Good point. For too long in my marriage I thought I still had to do everything my parents way. They were Christians, so all their input must be good, right? Wrong. For a very short while it crossed the path into control and my hubby and I had to back away. We are on the right track now.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/19/2008 5:00:58 PM
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Above_All
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For me, my parents and I are unequally yoked; but unlike the example of dating a non-believer, you can't say no, I don't want a relationship with you. Unequally yoked or not, we can't just make our relationship non existent (unless the relationship is really really conflicting). That is what's unique about the parent-adult child relationship from other kinds of relationships.
The other big issue that some go through with parental relationships is the whole empty nest syndrome thing. I don't have kids but I can imagine how hard the transition can be when a child leaves the family. As an only child and with the difficulties my parents go through letting me go, I have learned a great deal about what G-d said when He said that man is to leave their parents and cleave to his wife. I have learned that it is not good to linger on, delaying your independence from your parents, no matter how convenient it would be financially. I know for most of you, living with parents after you get married is not a good idea at all. So why would anyone consider it? I suppose it's because of where I come from. In Hawaii, it is not totally uncommon for families to live with families. The biggest reason is a combination of financial and cultural. The cost of living is very high here. So it's not a foreign idea for this kind of lifestyle. But I know the other reason for wanting us to stay with them has to do with dealing with an empty nest.
I no longer want to get into extended discussions with my parents about all of this. I have listened to what they have said, considered it and made a decision to go another way...G-d's way and 100% cleave to my husband. In the future, I would be sure that when they get married to help them by carrying out boundaries on my end. That's another thing. My parents don't put much boundaries on me at all. It's all me that has to. If they are single, I won't push for them to stay or leave. If they want to stay that's fine. If they want to leave that's fine as well, no matter how emotional I may get. Ha.
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RE: Honoring your parents...what does this mean? - 5/19/2008 5:16:35 PM
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HisCovenant
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A good parent should be planning for independance. They should be teaching their child to be more and more independant through the years and they should not be neglecting all other priorities, such that when the adult child makes a decision that is independant they should not be devistated by it. Of course, I'm not speaking of mistakes that affect the parents directly or unlawful decisions... but rather things like where to live, what sort of job to have, what Christian to marry, what hobbies to have, etc. That doesn't mean you won't mourn the passage of time and the changes of life or that a mother won't miss her child.
These things don't preclude living in a communal family setting... you can still leave and cleave while living together, but it has to be done maturely by all parties and boundries have to be set and respected.
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My friends call me Zippy!
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