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I just don't know..... - 12/13/2008 11:05:28 PM
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PinkCarnations
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My husband and I separated just over a year ago. He is in Indiana and I moved to California with our dd, who is now 15. He says that he wants to reconcile. He says that he has changed. He is coming out in January. He wants to talk about it then. I've been praying about this for a week now and I have no clear answer. I really don't know what to do.
_____________________________
Tact is the knack of winning a point
without making an enemy.
Our Daily Bread, August 11, 2008
Roberta
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/13/2008 11:47:57 PM
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kidV1
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Just take it for what it's worth. God will give you the path to take with what happens. Not knowing the reason for leaving I hope that you two discuss what needs to be talked about calmly. I will pray that you have guidance during this. If you really care for this person then you may be able to reconcile your differences. If you feel as if you have moved on and are living a life now that you are happy and don't want to relive the past then tell him that. I pray for peace inside your mind and heart because I know from experience that it can tear you a part. God bless you.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/13/2008 11:51:16 PM
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PinkCarnations
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Hi kidV1- I left because he was emotionally abusive to our dd and myself. He says that he has gotten counseling and changed. Our dd went to spend a few weeks with him over the summer. She said that he is a lot nicer now.
_____________________________
Tact is the knack of winning a point
without making an enemy.
Our Daily Bread, August 11, 2008
Roberta
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 1:25:13 AM
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deermousie
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I'm afraid that's what every abusive husband says, Roberta. Maybe he has changed and maybe he's trying to trick you by lying.
If he is lying, he can keep it up long enough to talk you into coming back, but then fall back into his old patterns.
Here's a key thing: has he shown any remorse for the emotional abuse? Did he ask for your forgiveness? Without that, I would doubt he's changed at all. And even if he does these things, be skeptical until you see how he is over the long run.
Ask him for the counselor's phone number, or let him give your number to the counselor to call you. I'd also ask his pastor how he's doing.
Personally, I'd demand a formerly violent man show two to five years of good behavior before taking him back; they can't keep up the act that long and will show whether they've changed or not.
Do not accept his words that he has changed without the counselor's and pastor's say that it's true.
When he comes out next month, only meet him in a public place like a restaurant. He's been violent before so he doesn't get trusted not to get violent again (personally, I wouldn't have let my kid visit him). Let him prove the "new him" by acting decent for years.
If he's not a Christian I'd wait until he was, seeing that you separated because of violence. He is dangerous to you, and he wasn't afraid to hurt you before so he could easily do it again.
And I wouldn't be intimate with him without protection; he may have picked up some VDs along the way. You don't know.
The goal is reconciliation, but violence is a deal breaker. Don't compromise on the counseling or take him back without talking to a trained and licensed counselor; his violence-loving buddies don't count. If he can't provide a contact with a living, talking trained counselor, I wouldn't meet with him in CA. I'd take a trip while he's supposed to be in town, and ask neighbors to call the cops if they see him breaking in to your house.
Move slowly, and God bless. I am praying for you guys.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 1:39:34 AM
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kidV1
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I am glad that he has done that and I pray that God does lead you to a path that creates a good future for you and your family.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 10:59:14 AM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
I'm afraid that's what every abusive husband says, Roberta. Maybe he has changed and maybe he's trying to trick you by lying.
If he is lying, he can keep it up long enough to talk you into coming back, but then fall back into his old patterns.
Here's a key thing: has he shown any remorse for the emotional abuse? Did he ask for your forgiveness? Without that, I would doubt he's changed at all. And even if he does these things, be skeptical until you see how he is over the long run.
He hasn't asked for my forgiveness.
quote:
Ask him for the counselor's phone number, or let him give your number to the counselor to call you. I'd also ask his pastor how he's doing.
The therapist he is seeing is the same one that we both saw before. The pastor of our old church is no longer there.
quote:
Personally, I'd demand a formerly violent man show two to five years of good behavior before taking him back; they can't keep up the act that long and will show whether they've changed or not.
Why that time frame?
quote:
Do not accept his words that he has changed without the counselor's and pastor's say that it's true.
See above.
quote:
When he comes out next month, only meet him in a public place like a restaurant. He's been violent before so he doesn't get trusted not to get violent again (personally, I wouldn't have let my kid visit him). Let him prove the "new him" by acting decent for years.
I didn't want her to go, but legally I couldn't stop it.
quote:
If he's not a Christian I'd wait until he was, seeing that you separated because of violence. He is dangerous to you, and he wasn't afraid to hurt you before so he could easily do it again.
He has been a Christian for years- longer than I have been.
quote:
And I wouldn't be intimate with him without protection; he may have picked up some VDs along the way. You don't know.
Thanks, I don't plan on it, even though we've both been celebate.
quote:
The goal is reconciliation, but violence is a deal breaker. Don't compromise on the counseling or take him back without talking to a trained and licensed counselor; his violence-loving buddies don't count. If he can't provide a contact with a living, talking trained counselor, I wouldn't meet with him in CA. I'd take a trip while he's supposed to be in town, and ask neighbors to call the cops if they see him breaking in to your house.
There wasn't violence, it was emotional. I've been trying to think of who I could contact in that area that would give me a non-biased opinion. The problem is that he has been living four days a week in Chicago (where he works) so he hasn't been around a lot.
Also, he had his set of friends and I had mine. I mainly hung out with married women in our age group and he mainly hung out with men who were in their 70s and 80s.
I really can't think of any one that we both really knew well.
quote:
Move slowly, and God bless. I am praying for you guys.
Thank you.
_____________________________
Tact is the knack of winning a point
without making an enemy.
Our Daily Bread, August 11, 2008
Roberta
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 11:33:27 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
There wasn't violence, it was emotional.
Roberta,
I am trying to remember here - wasn't there something he broke in anger, like a photo frame? Or was it a glass pane on a door?
Whatever it was, that is violence.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 11:33:32 AM
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hnt
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Roberta:
Deermousie has a point, and it also applies to Emotional Abuse.
quote:
He hasn't asked for my forgiveness.
How has he changed then? A repentant person who has turned from his ways doesn't have an issue with this. There is not BUT you could have done this, etc. They are very upfront about how you leaving was a good thing, and how they were clearly wrong and very damaging. They act truly remorseful, and they are willing to talk about how their behavior has damaged you. They know you need to talk about it.
One thing I have noticed with so many is that they tout communication, but part of communication is resolution. There is no resolution with an abusive mindset. If they don't get what they feel is needed they get defensive - and it could go into an all out rage. For some reason they feel its a personal attack, and just giving in to them is enabling. Sadly, I have seen far to many people encouraged to do this. They read to many articles about filling their love tanks, emotional needs, one of their characterics that makes them feel loved, etc. There is a time and place for those of course, but not when you know what you are dealing with. Its not honoring your husband to allow them to get their way out of fear of the rage, etc. That's enabling also.
If he can't come with a humble and meek spirit, and willing to hear how his abusive ways had hurt both of you - and NOT give you excuses about how you need to HUSH about them now...he hasn't changed enough. That's not true repentance of his past. You need that part to heal from this, and this is one aspect they truly have a hard time with.
quote:
Why that time frame?
If you spoke or read anything when it comes to the abusive mindset, and there are peices out there from reformed abusers - they will tell you its a long battle. Its habit patterns they have picked up in life, and its not always easy to just STOP them. If they fall off the wagon - to take a saying from other addictions - it could be very harmful to you and your daugther. His rage in the past was targeted towards you both, and when he falls off the wagon it will be again.
If forgiveness hasn't been asked for, and no true signs to show you remorse for his actions have happened yet - WHY not the time frame? We are talking about the reasons you left to begin with! You took a HUGE step that was HARD, but needed for both of you. YOU should be applauded for that! 
I think for alot of us part of our healing path is learning NOT to enable any portion of that abusive tendencies because they are so dangerous. We tend to mininize the damage because we had to in order to survive emotionally within the relationship. Our own BAD habit pattern! Fear of consquences for standing up for one's self - another bad habit pattern. Benefit of the doubt, rationalizing it away, saying he didn't mean it that way, etc. other good forms. We do this out of our own brokeness and fear. SOME of which is understandable due to the circumstances, but you have walked away from that.......you need to be crystal clear you aren't walking back into it.
A truly repentive man will allow that wait to happen, because he knows WHY this is happening. He also knows he placed that there, and its one of the consquences of his actions.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 11:35:54 AM
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manda59
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IMO if he really and truly wants to reconcile, he will do whatever it takes, even if that means finding a new job in CA, living there on his own, still seeing a counsellor, and giving you the chance over time to see whether or not he has changed.
Anything less than that and he could just be getting a bit sentimental because Christmas is coming and he wishes he wasn't on his own.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 11:42:00 AM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
There wasn't violence, it was emotional.
Roberta,
I am trying to remember here - wasn't there something he broke in anger, like a photo frame? Or was it a glass pane on a door?
Whatever it was, that is violence.
I forgot about that. Yes, he did slam the front door hard enough to shatter the window.
hnt, I will think on what you've said, but I probably won't respond until tomorrow because I'm off for church and then two Christmas parties and then church again.
Have a great day!
_____________________________
Tact is the knack of winning a point
without making an enemy.
Our Daily Bread, August 11, 2008
Roberta
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 4:16:33 PM
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cindybode
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
IMO if he really and truly wants to reconcile, he will do whatever it takes, even if that means finding a new job in CA, living there on his own, still seeing a counsellor, and giving you the chance over time to see whether or not he has changed.
I would second that. If he's serious, let him move to where you are, start seeing each other again, and take it slow. He would have to prove his changed behavior over time before I'd let him move back in.
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 7:32:29 PM
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bolt.
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Roberta, I'm hearing some things "on your end" that you might want to address before / while your separated-husband visits you.
You seem to be in a 'space' where what he wants from you is somehow something you should be giving to him. It seems like you think he can visit you without your permission, and talk with you if he wants to. This is a common dynamic in situations of emotional abuse. Please remember that your ears belong to you, as does your time and your space.
If you choose to take this chance of possible reconciliation, you are free to. You are also free not to. There is no debt or obligation in this situation. With the history of abuse, you do not even owe him common social courtesies or manners.
I also see that you have a confusion between beliefs and facts. Your separated-husband has told you some things (such as him having been celibate) and you believe him to be speaking truthfully, so you said "we've both been celibate." -- In fact, that is not a fact. The fact is that you believe him to be telling the truth about his celibacy. (Not just about the celibacy thing... just in general... since you believe he is being truthful, that's fair enough, and you should trust your own judgment... but after using your judgment what you have is an opinion or a belief, not a fact. You believe a lot of things, but you know very little. You have to be comfortable with that.)
You are also confused as to who's job the major repair work of reconciliation is. If he wants to rebuild your trust in him, simply tell him what might help that happen, and leave the ball in his court. If talking to his counselor or someone else might help you, just let him know that. Let him rack his brains for a suitable person to vouch for his change of heart and lifestyle.
I do agree with the others, though, that if he wants to rebuild, he's going to have to move near to you and build the relationship from scratch, in a variety of social situations, through good times and bad, with good boundaries, plus counseling. Once you have 'dated' for a year you might consider renewing your vows and restarting your marriage. (But no hanky-panky if your covenant is not intact.)
All this restoration is in his court, beginning with open acknowledgment of sin and true repentance towards both you & God. If he doesn't want to, that shows you how much steam this 'plan' of his has. It's a hard road for him, so you might as well be clear about that at the outset.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 9:02:07 PM
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hnt
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If you have a support system where you are please don't allow him to encourage you to move away from it. I just hear the words, "We can't work on our relationship without you moving back home" etc. Dont be quick to jump on that.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/14/2008 9:05:42 PM
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cynthia
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I believe in reconcilliation. I also believe that if a truly repentant spouse goes to his Christian wife and seeks reconcilliation that she should participate. I was an abusive wife. People who know me today that didn't know me back then find that shocking and bizzare. The Lord has changed me significantly over the years.
Based on that, I would have to heartily agree with pbaribeault:
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
All this restoration is in his court, beginning with open acknowledgment of sin and true repentance towards both you & God. If he doesn't want to, that shows you how much steam this 'plan' of his has. It's a hard road for him, so you might as well be clear about that at the outset.
From my experience, in my own life, intereacting with others and in watching other people, it is clear that a person who truly sees their own sin and is repentant is not going to confront the other party on their sin, unless it is a completely separate issue that needs to be addressed and it is not part of the apology. Not always does the offended party need to address it. That is usually the job of the offender, even if it went both ways. If your husband is making these statements, but has not even told you he is sorry and is seeking your forgiveness, that is a big red flag. If he told you, rather than asking you, that he is coming out, that is also a big red flag. At this point, I would tell him that I would not be willing to see him as he has so far only shown himself to have not really changed.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 12:11:48 AM
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PinkCarnations
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hnt- so much of what you've said just sounds like him...... or at least how he was a year ago. And you're right, I don't know if he's been celibate. He has made no mention of seeing anyone else. I haven't asked. It wouldn't matter anyway because I would have no way of knowing if he was telling the truth or not.
He actually hasn't told me directly that he wants to talk about reconciliation. He told my mom, my dad, my sister and my step-mom. I'm sure he'd have talked to my brothers too if he knew where their phone numbers were.  He was planning on surprising me with the news that he's ready to work on things. They told me that he was planning on surprising me with this discussion. They told me so that I'd be prepared.
I did realize something today. I haven't forgiven him. I've felt that "nudge" to forgive him many times and I've ignored it. I was talking with a lady at church today. She told me that God leading me to forgive him does not mean that God is leading me to reconcile with him.
_____________________________
Tact is the knack of winning a point
without making an enemy.
Our Daily Bread, August 11, 2008
Roberta
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 12:22:44 AM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Anything less than that and he could just be getting a bit sentimental because Christmas is coming and he wishes he wasn't on his own.
That's possible. But I just sent him his Christmas gifts. That will have to tide him over for a while.
_____________________________
Tact is the knack of winning a point
without making an enemy.
Our Daily Bread, August 11, 2008
Roberta
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 1:28:53 AM
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magdaleine
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Roberta, I'm sorry that I just now managed to get here. You're in a very difficult position to be sure. I don't think you need to make any decisions at this point, and you certainly shouldn't let it ruin your Christmas. All the second-guessing in the world won't give you the answers you need.
quote:
Here's a key thing: has he shown any remorse for the emotional abuse? Did he ask for your forgiveness? Without that, I would doubt he's changed at all. And even if he does these things, be skeptical until you see how he is over the long run.
Ask him for the counselor's phone number, or let him give your number to the counselor to call you. I'd also ask his pastor how he's doing. I'm sorry, but showing remorse is not beyond an abusive person who hasn't changed. After four years of marriage, I left my husband and was gone nearly 2 1/2 years. He seemed to be very remorseful (and cried on everyone's shoulder); yet when I returned so did the abuse. Many years later I left him again, this time for about six weeks. The leadership at my church was convinced he had changed so I went back. He hadn't.
quote:
When he comes out next month, only meet him in a public place like a restaurant. This is very good advice, I believe. For one, being in public will keep both of you more civil to each other--if only because others are around. The last time I left my husband, it was for 24 hours. I refused to come home until the issue was resolved and I refused to discuss the issue at home, insisting we meet over tea or a meal. That was the only time in our 35 years of marriage that we actually resolved a conflict and it had permanent results. My husband never behaved that way to me again. It still boggles my mind how effective that was. But I did have to push to resolution and stick to my guns about not coming home until it was resolved.
Deermousie, perhaps you know more than Roberta has posted in this thread because I don't read that he was violent, only that he was emotionally abusive. That is serious to be sure but not violent or life-threatening.
quote:
I wouldn't be intimate with him without protection Frankly, I wouldn't have sex with him until you are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is time to return. Sexual relations can convince the emotions that all is well when the mind knows otherwise. It would also send a message to your husband that all is well before it truly is.
I believe reconciliation is always desireable if possible but deermousie has some good points. Just because he and/or others say he has changed, doesn't mean he has. I don't think you should make a decision based on one visit of his to California. You can use that time, however, to begin discussion on what is required before you are willing to return.
quote:
A repentant person who has turned from his ways doesn't have an issue with this. There is not BUT you could have done this, etc. They are very upfront about how you leaving was a good thing, and how they were clearly wrong and very damaging. They act truly remorseful, and they are willing to talk about how their behavior has damaged you. They know you need to talk about it. I agree wholeheartedly.
hnt's post was exceptional. I particularly agree with this:quote:
I think for alot of us part of our healing path is learning NOT to enable any portion of that abusive tendencies because they are so dangerous. We tend to mininize the damage because we had to in order to survive emotionally within the relationship. Our own BAD habit pattern! Fear of consquences for standing up for one's self - another bad habit pattern. Benefit of the doubt, rationalizing it away, saying he didn't mean it that way, etc. other good forms. We do this out of our own brokeness and fear. SOME of which is understandable due to the circumstances, but you have walked away from that.......you need to be crystal clear you aren't walking back into it.
quote:
Anything less than that and he could just be getting a bit sentimental because Christmas is coming and he wishes he wasn't on his own.
quote:
Anything less than that and he could just be getting a bit sentimental because Christmas is coming and he wishes he wasn't on his own. I chuckled about this but Manda has a point.
quote:
Yes, he did slam the front door hard enough to shatter the window. That is violence. Yikes! Would the next thing he slammed be you or your daughter?
quote:
If he wants to rebuild your trust in him, simply tell him what might help that happen, and leave the ball in his court. If talking to his counselor or someone else might help you, just let him know that. Let him rack his brains for a suitable person to vouch for his change of heart and lifestyle. I agree.
quote:
All this restoration is in his court, beginning with open acknowledgment of sin and true repentance towards both you & God. If he doesn't want to, that shows you how much steam this 'plan' of his has. It's a hard road for him, so you might as well be clear about that at the outset. Yes. Absolutely.
quote:
If your husband is making these statements, but has not even told you he is sorry and is seeking your forgiveness, that is a big red flag. If he told you, rather than asking you, that he is coming out, that is also a big red flag. At this point, I would tell him that I would not be willing to see him as he has so far only shown himself to have not really changed. That makes a lot of sense to me.
quote:
She told me that God leading me to forgive him does not mean that God is leading me to reconcile with him. Forgiveness and reconciliation are NEVER the same thing.
Roberta, a book you need to obtain and read is "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson (of Focus on the Family). It is exceptional and navigates between the two, seemingly opposed poles of improving a marriage and refusing to be in a position of being abused. It gives very good guidelines on deciding what is needed before a couple is reunited and it gives you permission to be very hardlined about waiting and about setting criterion for reconciliation. Dobson would agree with the posters here who say it is incumbent upon him to demonstrate that he has changed.
I'm troubled by the fact that your husband plans to surprise you with his visit. To me, that seems very unfair and gives him the upper hand. From a psychological point of view, it puts you in a weak position and at a distinct disadvantage because he's making the decisions. If he has told your family things, that he hasn't yet told you, that tells me that he's a coward. He's counting on them to pass his messages to you because he's too scared to do it himself. He could also be banking on the idea that you hearing things from them would make you more favourable towards him than if he said them himself.
Before we were married, I broke up our relationship. He made my mom his ally and had her convinced that I should return to him. She apologized for that a few years ago. Your family should not be intermediaries between you and your husband. If he can't tell you himself, what he's told them, then he's not ready to be in real relationship with you.
{{{{{{{{{{Roberta}}}}}}}}}}} I wish you didn't have this on your plate and your mind before Christmas. You don't need the added stress. I will be praying for you.
_____________________________
Maggie
Civility Pledge
Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 5:24:33 AM
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manda59
Posts: 7962
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
He actually hasn't told me directly that he wants to talk about reconciliation. He told my mom, my dad, my sister and my step-mom. I'm sure he'd have talked to my brothers too if he knew where their phone numbers were.
quote:
ORIGINAL: magdaleine
I'm troubled by the fact that your husband plans to surprise you with his visit. To me, that seems very unfair and gives him the upper hand. From a psychological point of view, it puts you in a weak position and at a distinct disadvantage because he's making the decisions. If he has told your family things, that he hasn't yet told you, that tells me that he's a coward. He's counting on them to pass his messages to you because he's too scared to do it himself. He could also be banking on the idea that you hearing things from them would make you more favourable towards him than if he said them himself.
Roberta,
I agree with Maggie.
I also couldn't help wondering if it could be a manipulative ploy on his part - as if he might be thinking that it might be harder for you to say no to him with all these family members knowing. Kind of like recruiting reinforcements in advance.
Has he said anything to your daughter, do you think?
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 9:02:52 AM
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hnt
Posts: 666
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
I also couldn't help wondering if it could be a manipulative ploy on his part - as if he might be thinking that it might be harder for you to say no to him with all these family members knowing. Kind of like recruiting reinforcements in advance.
I'm glad you said that, and I didn't have to!  I knew I would get it if I did! 
Roberta:
I know you may be a bit scared or intimidated - goodness knows I would be! I will be praying for you very hard!
I remember once knowing I was going to have to get into a conversation with someone that doesn't do conflict resolution to well. I truly had no choice in the matter. I like the idea of being someplace public, because that will show him you have taken some of your control back in a way. It wouldn't surprise me if he does wish the upper hand. He may not appreciate it, but if he has anything worthy to say he will go along with it. If he outright refuses you know it can't be that important. You have reason to be like this no matter what he mentions to you. Its okay for him to know you don't trust him. He will have to rethink his approach at that point.
ANYWAY - Remember to pray and pray - to keep calm. To keep focused. I remember NOT reacting to little 'dings' that were to trigger me, and I noticed they were used to get me off track within the conversation. They came in all different forms, because this person knew what I would react to. I had to get to the point of the conversation, and I didn't really defend myself to much because I knew it was tool. That tool was being used to confuse and divert the conversation, and I refused to bite. God showed me this the more we got into the conversation. I was constantly trying to reel the conversation back to point, and they were trying to pull the opposite direction. Remember - its okay to say ENOUGH, and walk away. You head may be swimming at first, but you will feel empowered later. It will make it easier if you need to do this again. God revealed to me a different person that day, and it helped me in the future. He removed vices that this person had on me, and that was the best thing in this world.
I pray that NONE of this comes to pass. If you plan for the worse, and a better senerio happens all the better! Just stick to your guns as far as what you are comfortable with. EVEN to the point of him not agreeing. LOL You know what I'm talking about - I'm not saying you need to be a control freak here! Don't allow him to talk you into a corner, or into something you KNOW you don't want to keep the peace. You paid enough for now, and its his time to bend.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 10:11:33 AM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10738
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Has he said anything to your daughter, do you think?
He didn't. Someone else told her at the same time they told me. That someone who told her feels that I should give him another chance.
_____________________________
Tact is the knack of winning a point
without making an enemy.
Our Daily Bread, August 11, 2008
Roberta
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 10:46:19 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 8008
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
Status: online
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Roberta, don't rush anything if you don't feel comfortable or safe with it.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 11:35:19 AM
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hnt
Posts: 666
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
That someone who told her feels that I should give him another chance.
That makes sense! No one wants to see you hurt if they care about you! I think they feel that they want your pain to end, and they don't always understand the consquences if its not the proper time.
I do think they mean well!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 11:50:30 AM
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bootsNspurs
Posts: 1273
Joined: 1/24/2007
From: Wisconsin, but currently in the desert!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
I believe in reconcilliation. I also believe that if a truly repentant spouse goes to his Christian wife and seeks reconcilliation that she should participate. I was an abusive wife. People who know me today that didn't know me back then find that shocking and bizzare. The Lord has changed me significantly over the years.
Based on that, I would have to heartily agree with pbaribeault:
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
All this restoration is in his court, beginning with open acknowledgment of sin and true repentance towards both you & God. If he doesn't want to, that shows you how much steam this 'plan' of his has. It's a hard road for him, so you might as well be clear about that at the outset.
From my experience, in my own life, intereacting with others and in watching other people, it is clear that a person who truly sees their own sin and is repentant is not going to confront the other party on their sin, unless it is a completely separate issue that needs to be addressed and it is not part of the apology. Not always does the offended party need to address it. That is usually the job of the offender, even if it went both ways. If your husband is making these statements, but has not even told you he is sorry and is seeking your forgiveness, that is a big red flag. If he told you, rather than asking you, that he is coming out, that is also a big red flag. At this point, I would tell him that I would not be willing to see him as he has so far only shown himself to have not really changed.
That needed repeating. I agree with Cynthia.
I also very much agree with zoebob:
quote:
ORIGINAL: zoebob
Roberta, don't rush anything if you don't feel comfortable or safe with it.
While I don't feel that I really have much to offer at this point that hasn't been said, I will definitely keep you and your family in prayer, Roberta.
((((((( Roberta )))))))))
_____________________________
<~~ Briezers
Ziva - "There is a smurf war."
Tony - "Turf war."
NCIS Zividioms
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 12:09:01 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8008
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
Status: online
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I would also say that if he tries to push you then he's not really concerned about your feelings.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 12:50:00 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7962
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Has he said anything to your daughter, do you think?
He didn't. Someone else told her at the same time they told me. That someone who told her feels that I should give him another chance.
I am so sorry, Roberta. It really wasn't that person's place to tell her and it must just add to the pressure you're already under. I imagine that you might feel that if you say no, you're going to look like the baddie with all these people knowing, and especially your daughter. (((hug))
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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