Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair years ago.
View related threads:
(in this forum
| in all forums)
|
Logged in as: Guest
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair years ago. - 10/12/2008 4:49:36 PM
|
|
|
cmbl
Posts: 3
Joined: 10/12/2008
Status: offline
|
My grandmother was an evangelist (she passed away 10 years ago), I was very close to her. I had 2 uncles whom are/was preachers, (one passed away) so I grew up in a very spiritual family. Before we got married my then boyfriend, had at least two affairs on me, one of them caused him to get locked up in jail for domestic violence (in which I bailed him out that night), both cases they were women and the sex @ his employment. He ask me to marry him, it will never happen again. My hubby and I have 3 kids, we attended church almost every Sunday, we were tithing every two weeks. I now worked for the same company, not same location. 8 months ago, My hubby was on a phone conversation and didn't know I was listening and I overheard him not only talking with a employee who brought him the phone, but the woman on the phone (both were temporary employees). I heard everything, the woman on the phone was interested in him, and when he gave the phone back the other employee, he was talking about his affair which he had with another temp. employee 13 years ago (while we were married), they had sex at the job on more than one occasion. He also mention he had a playboy magazine @ his employment hidden away. I feel hurt, pain, sadness, bitter, angry and also were was God through all my prayers. I can't trust anymore..
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair year... - 10/12/2008 5:31:23 PM
|
|
|
MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline
|
OHHH I'm so sorry! But you have to confront him that you found out. If you don't, nothing will be resolved and the anger/hurt will turn to bitterness and you will start rejecting him more and more.
As calm as you can, you have to sit down and have an open talk. You can't attack him but you have to tell him how hurt/angry, upset you are at his unfaithfulness.
And you both need to get a little marriage counseling to work out the anger/hurt and hopefully will be able to forgive each other. Its hard to regain the trust, but HE has to take the ball in his court and prove that he can be trusted.
Adultry is hard to overcome in a spouse and there may be more underlying things going on that will have to be addressed and decided if you should stay with him.
Since it happened a long time ago (and hopefully has not occurred recently) you probably would not have to worry about being tested for STD's.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair year... - 10/12/2008 6:03:13 PM
|
|
|
Godsgirrl
Posts: 40
Status: offline
|
cmbl,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I am going through my own issues in marriage right now, but seeking God's guidance in everything. After reading you're post I felt led to tell you that if you hope to work things out with you're husband, please be prepared for all that you might find out.
My marriage was very distant and I wasn't walking with God when I fell to temptation with a man where my business is located. He chased me for two months and I was very nieve. He used the fact that he was married 19 years and would lose his kids...to keep my mouth shut. It took me three months to get away from him and it almost ruined my marriage.
What I'm getting at is that this man admitted to being a sex addict and I wasn't his only conquest. He had a rumored affair with someone before me, left another job in another state to save his marriage because he fell in love with a co-worker there...and told me about countless other little situations that he was in. He seemed to use his career as a place to find and romance women. I am horrified that I was so weak to succumb to him. He supposedly changed and saved his marriage, yet he made a pass at another employee a month ago. I hope that you find God's plan in all of this and I pray for you're healing.
< Message edited by Godsgirrl -- 10/12/2008 6:13:09 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair year... - 10/12/2008 6:48:06 PM
|
|
|
cmbl
Posts: 3
Joined: 10/12/2008
Status: offline
|
That night once I got home I told him what I heard, his cell phone was on and that's how I heard it.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair year... - 10/12/2008 8:58:47 PM
|
|
|
stillovinhim
Posts: 34
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline
|
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had to reply because I know exactly what you are going through. I found out 2 1/2 yrs ago that my husband cheated on my 15 years earlier in our marriage, only about 10 months after we married. I suspected at that time ONLY because he had a mild case of pubic lice. He completely denied it and even got angry that I didn't believe him. I called doctors asking if there were any other ways you could contract pubic lice and although they said yes it would be unlikely, but I held onto that hope that it was the unlikely since they said it "could" happen. I questioned it in my head a handful of times over the years with him always saying he never did anything. He finally confessed 2 1/2 yrs ago. I was devastated, I felt our marriage had been a lie, wondering if there were more. I never suspected again and he said it happened only once, he was afraid he would lose me. I have a hard time trusting him even though he wants our marriage to work and is doing all the things he should but I still have a hard time trusting him every time he walks out the door. I worry if he still has things hidden, he could have cheated numerous other times, but I'm going on my gut that God never put suspicions in front of me. I would talk with your husband found out everything and if he's willing to work on your marriage he needs to make alot of changed, such as not talking with these females and not telling others about his infidelity, that doesn't sound like someone who is sorry. Counseling is a must, I will pray for you to have the right words when you speak with him, it is and will be very hard hearing things, I needed details and it was very hard, especially because he claimed he didn't remember alot because it happened so many years earlier. My husband said it was a relief that I know now because there was guilt (which is hard for me to see, he had ample times to tell me especially when I asked him through out the years) but he says he doesn't regret it. I will pray that your husband will be open and talk with you. You are in my prayers
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair year... - 10/13/2008 12:38:10 AM
|
|
|
vicbhe
Posts: 62
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Arkansas
Status: offline
|
I do have to agree with Dianes comments on this. I only mention this because you closed your post with "where was God...?" I know we can't go back and change the choices we made and I understand you are hurting right now. However God clearly revealed to you the kind of man you were marrying.
My feelings would be that you would do good to admit this to yourself then take it to God in prayer and confess it to him. Then you can ask God to give you direction on what to do now. I can say that because I have been there and done that. Only when I confessed to God that I should have known, as these things were revealed to me before hand and I ignored them or being in my youth I didn't realize how significant they were, only then by accepting my responsibility for my situation was I able to heal.
When I started dating again a few years ago I caught myself always asking God to " 'show' me if this was the right person"..... "break this off if I shouldn't be dating this person" .... blah blah blah, I had all kind of prayers..... finally one day God stopped me while I was praying and said something like "Victor. Did I not give you enough common since to look at things objectively and figure things out for yourself?" Now I pray for wisdom to use the common since that God has already given me.
While I know that doesn't help you now with where you are, but use what God has already given you to move forward in the right direction. Pray for wisdom and discernment as God reveals to you what is happening and has been happening. As some of the other responses have pointed out, I too believe you will be shocked at all you learn in the next few months. Ask God now to prepare your heart and give you wisdom to deal with those things.
_____________________________
“You cannot improve your righteousness by tearing down the righteousness of others”. W.O. Vaught
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair year... - 10/13/2008 9:13:47 AM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1775
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
Attending church, paying tithes, having some family members who preach...NONE of those mean anything at all UNLESS you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour.
Do you? Does your husband? Obviously if he is cheating, lying ,committing adultery, he has a LOT of heart issues that needs to be surrendered to God.
You also have a lot of self esteem issues to marry a guy who would treat you in such fashion to begin with.
What kind of marriage did you think you would have if it started off with that foundation?
For the sake of your kids I strongly recommend you get to know the Lord as your personal Saviour first, then get in some personal counseling to deal with your self worth, bitterness, and anger...and then possibly down the road consider marriage counseling if he is willing to make changes.
The thing is down the road if you go for counseling yourself you may realize this guy isn't worth the effort and you and your kids are too valuable to put up with such garbage.
I hate to tell you this but if I am on the phone talking to other women at my work about how good of a liar and cheat I have been my respect and love for my wife is zero.
Is there somewhere else you can go live with your kids for awhile and seek help? Do you have a Pastor who can give you some direction?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Married for 19 yrs, found out hubby had affair year... - 10/13/2008 2:31:56 PM
|
|
|
jaimestarcross
Posts: 775
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
|
God is still is still God cmbl.... you can trust God.
You had the facts made known to you
BEFORE you and him got married (you admitted he'd had affairs during the time you and him were dating - he'd been
charged with domestic violence in one relationship - you posted his bail?)
His actions/disrespect of you were made known to you during the
dating stages... none of that made you stop and question whether
or not you should marry a guy who'd done you wrong? How much time
in prayer did you spend before making the decision to marry?
*I know you are hurt and bitter over all that came out but
I somehow feel you are more hurt that you trusted your man/husband
more than you trusted what God... the Lord had revealed to you prior to getting married some serious danger signs. Those danger signs were ignored... sooner or later the consequences would occur in both your lives.
It's time to get your relationship with God on solid ground - it's not based on just church attendance, tithing, etc... but on actual heart renewal.
Coming before with a sincere brokenness over sins - asking Him to become Lord and Savior in your life. Asking God to bring about complete
restoration/healing. Letting go of bitterness, pride etc.
Anything that's hindering you from growing in grace and knowledge of our
Lord and Savior.
I also hope and pray your husband will come to do the same thing...
share this with him and encourage him to commit himself to God and to
seek his own personal relationship with God.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
