|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/22/2009 7:14:54 AM
|
|
|
haywood5150
Posts: 2
Joined: 11/22/2009
Status: offline
|
This is my first post here, so bear with me.
I am happily engaged with my fiance of 10 years and will be getting married in March 2010. I am faithful and have never considered doing anything to hurt her. My situation is as follows:
I recently had back surgery and am attending physical therapy. Over the last couple months, my therapist, a female, and i have become fairly social and get along great. She recently has gone through a divorce and as a fellow christian, I felt that I may be able to help keep her close to Christ. I have prayed with her and spoke with her regarding her situation. Everything seemed to be going fine until tonight, when I saw her at an event. I said hello and we spoke for a little while. To make a long story short, I began feeling that my supportive shoulder was something that she was looking to escalate to a serious relationship. I explained to her that I was committed to my fiance and could only offer her support. She told me it was hard to see me because she was beginning to have serious feelings for me. She also said she was willing to give up her job for me (Can't date patients). Again I told her that I would not commit to anything with her and felt that it was best we no longer see eachother. I am asking to be transfered to another office to prevent any discomfort for either of us.
My problem is that I think I overstepped my boundries by trying to help, and have made her situation even worse. What, if anything can I do to help this girl that is in desperate need of support that she is not recieving from others?
Thank You and sorry for a long post
Matt H.
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/22/2009 12:12:26 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 2126
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
|
Cut off all contact with her. Direct her to family or friends (are you saying that she has no absolutely no family and friends?Even though she goes to church?)There are plenty of things she can do to get support such a divorce recovery group,counselling etc etc.She doesnt need you to help her.
When you have been through a divorce you are very vulnerable and looking for affirmation etc and you wrongly gave that to her.
Yes you have gone WAY over the boundaries here. A man should never counsel or talk to a women about personal issues if either are committed to another.The same the other way round. Also praying together in private ia a no no. As you are going to be married soon,this is a VERY good lesson on what not to do, do learn from it.
However you do need to make sure you dont see her again, ever.Nip it in the bud if you dont want to loose your fiance.This other lady isnt your responsibility, your fiance is.Get another thearapist.
By the way just wondered. Why have you been engaged for 10 years? That does seem like an extreemly long time to me.
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 11/22/2009 12:20:59 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/22/2009 3:33:03 PM
|
|
|
trinigirl722
Posts: 961
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Dallas, TX
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103
But, for future reference, a lonely, unhappy person in a bad relationship will see a kind, helpful person of the opposite sex as the person who will make their life better. It happens all the time.
Very true! I've discovered this the hard way too. It's wonderful you want to help her. As others have said, right now the best way to help is to cut off contact so she won't be confused. The only other way to help is to pray for her; there's a lot of power in prayer.
_____________________________
Save the earth! It's the only planet known to have chocolate.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/22/2009 3:33:24 PM
|
|
|
Kat_D
Posts: 1445
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103
See, this is why men need to counsel men and women need to counsel women.
You had the best of intentions. You did not mean to do anyone harm.
And now you are doing the right thing by cutting off contact.
But, for future reference, a lonely, unhappy person in a bad relationship will see a kind, helpful person of the opposite sex as the person who will make their life better. It happens all the time.
Next time a sad woman seeks to unburden herself to you, tell your fiancee to talk to her. 
(And for heaven's sake--10 years engaged? Marry, already!  )
Couldn't have said it any better than that! 
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/22/2009 4:11:07 PM
|
|
|
mvic
Posts: 1341
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline
|
Sorry to add another perspective to this:
Do you tell your fiancee or not?
_____________________________
My Book
Time For Reflections The Blog you'll like !
Visit http://www.holyvisions.co.uk
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/22/2009 5:49:31 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 2145
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
quote:
you have gone WAY over the boundaries here. A man should never counsel or talk to a women about personal issues if either are committed to another.The same the other way round.
I think this is a false construct. Many pastors and teachers effectively counsel people of both genders. Many friends are able to be close without becoming attracted. There are ways of doing this wisely (avoiding seclusion, being well plugged into community at large, and keeping an eye on your own emotions being three key parts of that)
But if we avoid all close relationships with believers of the opposite gender, if we refuse to offer compassion, wisdom and support to someone due simply to their male-ness or female-ness, then we disobey Christ and divide the Church into two separate single-gender groups. Christians love one another... and sometimes it is loving to avoid intimacy with someone whom you could 'lead on' and damage. But it's not loving to keep your distance from an entire gender that needs your gifts and service.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/23/2009 1:24:04 AM
|
|
|
Redjasper
Posts: 407
Status: offline
|
quote:
Many pastors and teachers effectively counsel people of both genders.
This is very true. At the same time, in this post it is a 'simple' friend-friend counseling, not as a professional. We can never know what sort of feelings the other person may start developing, for which we can only be accountable on our own part, we can't have control over the other person's feelings. So the best course to be taken is, in my opinion, (when it is not a professional situation, like pastors and teachers), it is more difficult to keep boundaries when the counseled person sees the opposite sex friend like they are the ones who really and truly understand their feelings, so to them it means that it could be a sign that they should have a serious relationship with that person who gives a listening ear.
< Message edited by Redjasper -- 11/23/2009 1:34:12 AM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/23/2009 10:35:09 AM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 2126
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
quote:
you have gone WAY over the boundaries here. A man should never counsel or talk to a women about personal issues if either are committed to another.The same the other way round.
I think this is a false construct. Many pastors and teachers effectively counsel people of both genders. Many friends are able to be close without becoming attracted. There are ways of doing this wisely (avoiding seclusion, being well plugged into community at large, and keeping an eye on your own emotions being three key parts of that)
But if we avoid all close relationships with believers of the opposite gender, if we refuse to offer compassion, wisdom and support to someone due simply to their male-ness or female-ness, then we disobey Christ and divide the Church into two separate single-gender groups. Christians love one another... and sometimes it is loving to avoid intimacy with someone whom you could 'lead on' and damage. But it's not loving to keep your distance from an entire gender that needs your gifts and service.
Many churches and ministries have boundaries in place. My pastor will never go to see a women alone and will always take another women with him. Billy Graham made sure that he was never alone with another women. I dont think you can say he didnt change peoples lives. It is common sense. Women shoud always counsel women and men men.No room for temptation or innappropriate behaviour. This story alone shows how necessary this is.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/23/2009 4:23:56 PM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 3294
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: ames01
I did read the OP.
quote:
Over the last couple months, my therapist, a female, and i have become fairly social and get along great.
quote:
She told me it was hard to see me because she was beginning to have serious feelings for me. She also said she was willing to give up her job for me (Can't date patients).
quote:
I am asking to be transfered to another office to prevent any discomfort for either of us.
The point I was trying to make is that a PT who realizes she is starting to have feelings for a patient is professionally and ethically obligated to transfer that patient's care to another therapist. Not keep seeing the patient and then confess to him out in public that she has feelings for him. I realize it's the patient who wrote the OP, just addressing that PT should have transferred care long before the situation got to this point, rather than the patient having to be the one to do so.
And, professionally and ethically the PT should never have discussed struggles in her personal life with a patient. The PT crossed boundaries way way way before Haywood did.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/24/2009 9:55:54 AM
|
|
|
hnt
Posts: 665
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
My problem is that I think I overstepped my boundries by trying to help, and have made her situation even worse. What, if anything can I do to help this girl that is in desperate need of support that she is not recieving from others?
I think you have done all you can do. It was smart to leave that location, and get reassigned. Pray for her to find the support and encouragement she needs, and its clear you need to just stay out of the way. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I do think its smart to just get out of the way and allow God to take the wheel at this point.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Tried to help friend, but made situation worse - 11/25/2009 8:13:27 PM
|
|
|
haywood5150
Posts: 2
Joined: 11/22/2009
Status: offline
|
Thank you all for the help. To address some questions that were asked...
quote:
ORIGINAL: mvic
Sorry to add another perspective to this:
Do you tell your fiancee or not?
Yes, I told my fiance about what was going on. She told me to do what my heart and God tells me.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ps103
(And for heaven's sake--10 years engaged? Marry, already! )
This was a mutual agreement. We wanted to make sure our careers were solid, our home was built and complete, and that we were 100% sure. It would have happened a long time ago, but we were both suffering from major health issues (Both of us had to have major back surgery, thus the reason I'm in physical therapy).
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
