|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/6/2008 9:55:18 PM
|
|
|
mrphoto776
Posts: 1
Joined: 10/6/2008
Status: offline
|
So, we will all have to come this issue at some point in life. Just as our dear parents watched to make sure life did not swallow us up, we, too will more than likely have to return the favor as our parents get older.
Well, my father, who is retired and lives in another state near my sister and brother-in-law, has called me on four separate occasions (in the past year) asking for large sums of money to help out with his finances. I know that while the money he is asking for is no small chunk of change, it is something I should do, right? Or should I? I battle with this in that while, yes, it is true, he is on a limited income and has no real retirement to speak of, and he only gets about $2000 a month and he still drives a car and owes on two credit cards, he pretty much does not owe anyone else. My trouble, here, is that while I love my Dad dearly, I still do not want to enable his bad choices or hinder good choices he needs to decide for himself when it comes to his finances. Yet, one would think that I owe it to him spiritually and emotionally to care for him when he can not care for himself. UGH! THIS IS SO HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/6/2008 10:29:37 PM
|
|
|
Sadey
Posts: 541
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
|
Is he needing help or is he demanding money? They are two different things.
Why do I have the feeling that if your dad needed help for such things as food, medical, gas or lights, you would be the first in line to help? But a parent demanding money gets your guard up?
I guess the first thing I'd like to know is can you afford to help your dad and if so how much can you afford. Do you have a family of your own?
Does your dad gamble or drink or do drugs? There are lots of things to consider. By the way I and my husband are retired, on a fixed income.
If you and your wife decide together that you want to, need to, should, could or would, help your dad then I think it would be easier all around to decide on your ability to give, (not on Dad's demands) and then tell Dad that you will be able to give him x amount of dollars a month. But that will be all you can do, there can't be any emergency calls for extra cash.
That way you won't have to worry and wonder several times a year and go through all the emotional turmoil.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/6/2008 11:28:03 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 1845
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
|
The way I understand it, we are to make sure our parents have food, clothes and a roof over their heads. And probably prescription drugs.
If you give large sums of money to him, you are financing his poor choices and at the expense of your own family. I'd say, "I'm sorry, Dad, we can't afford to do this."
They took care of us when we were helpless because we were children, not because we were making unwise choices in life.
I know a couple in their sixties who made some bad choices, and they lived two years in upstate NY (get this) in a greenhouse. They stored their stuff at one end, and put a stove and beds in the other end. And cooked on that stove. They used a tarp for shade. It was OK, but noisy in the wind. They had to sweep snow off it so it wouldn't collapse, and a little rivulet ran through it during rain storms. You might point out to your dad that if he can't pay his bills he may have to downsize his expenses.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/7/2008 10:15:49 AM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1584
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
They took care of us when we were helpless because we were children, not because we were making unwise choices in life.
Good point! My MIL used to ask dh for money all the time. He used to give it to her. But he got so fed up with her stupid choices - mainly letting two of dh's brothers live with her because they can't manage to keep jobs. He will not give her money now at all . . . because she gives it to his brother. You're in a no win situation and you can't really help someone who can't help themselves. My dh went from "it's my family, I can't say no" to "I'll give them what I am able and can afford to give without ever expecting to see a dime paid back" (BIL's used to promise to pay him back - NEVER happened) to "it's throwing good money after bad and bad stewarship to keep giving them money."
Your father is a grown man. My thought would be to look at his income and his reasonable expenses and, if you feel so inclined, make a deal to help him by regularly supplementing his income and then don't take the calls asking for big chunks when he gets in trouble by being irresponsible (which is what I'm assuming is happening).
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/7/2008 10:22:28 AM
|
|
|
delete123
Posts: 937
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: mrphoto776
Well, my father, who is retired and lives in another state near my sister and brother-in-law, has called me on four separate occasions (in the past year) asking for large sums of money to help out with his finances.
Does he need the money for his finances? Or does he need the money to help out your sister and bil?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/7/2008 4:39:29 PM
|
|
|
jaimestarcross
Posts: 789
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
|
I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw how much money your dad gets a month... My mom gets less than a thousand dollars a month!
If your dad has credit card debit and it's sucking up much of his income then
you all need to have a family meeting with dad and go over his bills and checking out his spending habits... make necessary adjustments.
No you don't have to give your dad large amounts of money when he asks for it... you can't get your own family in a financial bind.
It's a different story if dad's medicine is too expensive and he needs help but you need to find out what's going on with his finances... look into it soon!
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 10/8/2008 2:30:04 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/7/2008 6:45:41 PM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1011
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
|
If your father can not meet his financial obligations, and he is ready to be dependent on you for his daily living, then it is completely appropriate that you (together with other family members) provide accountability for his spending and financial choices.
It's in everybody's best interests if he learns to live on the income he can depend on -- so perhaps it makes the most sense for his money to cover his expenses, but perhaps if it is not sufficient to pay off the debt you & siblings could help with that... provided that he puts some of his money towards it and is committed to living only on his income without acquiring more debt.
This kind of solid plan for taking care of him (if he really is in over his head) in a predictable, dependable, accountable and limited monthly way is a far better idea than bailing him out from time-to-time with large sums.
Living on his $2000 is what he needs to learn to do... bail outs encourage him to hit rock bottom and receive extra because he 'needs it'. Taking the debt off his hands is gracious, but still encourages his financial stability. It will probably cost you less in the long run.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/7/2008 7:30:10 PM
|
|
|
3tulips
Posts: 328
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
|
Either sit down with him and see where his money goes each month since HE asked YOU for help, or tell him no.
Can he live in a cheaper place? Can he cut down on his food choices? See where that money is going.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/7/2008 8:08:51 PM
|
|
|
his_chosen
Posts: 1030
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
|
For years my grandfather made poor financial choices. He's run up a credit card, then get another. When he couldn't do that anymore, he opened them up in Grandma's name and ran those up. All along, he was asking his kids for money, which they didn't give him.
At age 85yo, he was forced to sell their home. Mind you, this was the home that my great-grandfather had built for them when my mother (the oldest) was a baby... My aunt (their daughter-in-law) bought the house and the money went to pay off bills. Thankfully, my aunt has allowed them to remain in the home and pay rent. That only made a dent in their debt. Within a year or so, the debt had built back up again.
The only thing that stopped Grandpa's spending was his death. The family realized that the best thign to do was to not give Grandpa money, even when they were not able to pay their bills. Had they lived wisely, they would have had plenty of money. Grandpa was spending money foolishly (new car, new clothing, trips).
If someone is spending money wisely, I can see helping out. However, if they are spending it foolishly, bailing them out is only enabling that behavior.
_____________________________
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What to do when your parents need financial help? - 10/9/2008 3:03:05 PM
|
|
|
preserved
Posts: 782
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw how much money your dad gets a month... My mom gets less than a thousand dollars a month!
If your dad has credit card debit and it's sucking up much of his income then
you all need to have a family meeting with dad and go over his bills and checking out his spending habits... make necessary adjustments.
No you don't have to give your dad large amounts of money when he asks for it... you can't get your own family in a financial bind.
It's a different story if dad's medicine is too expensive and he needs help but you need to find out what's going on with his finances... look into it soon!
I have to agree with Jamiecross on this issue...You do need to sit down and find out what is the financial need to help him priortize his finances
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
