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What was I thinking? (Dating a separated non-Christian) - 5/12/2008 7:04:18 PM
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mochatini
Posts: 4
Joined: 5/12/2008
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I know that these past few years I have been struggling in my faith, but never have I sunk to such rationalization. For the past several weeks I have been on several dates that have gotten quite physically intimate with a man who is legally separated. His soon-to-be-ex already is in a relationship, but legally, they are still married. Divorce papers were filed but aren't "official."
I've never had sex with him or anyone, but now I just feel so dirty. I've repented but having a hard time forgiving myself.
At this point, I'm just going to let him down easy. There were other issues there too - he has children and wasn't a Christian. I think I have just gotten to the point where I was just really lonely and he picked me up when I needed male companionship.
How could I do such a thing? I have the hardest time letting things go, and even though I know God has forgiven me, I just don't know what else to do. I still have feelings for this man.  I keep thinking of him and then labeling myself as an adulterer.
I have to stop posting and pray some more, but I just need some wisdom and encouragement right now. I haven't been on this site in a while, but I know it has helped me in the past.
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RE: What was I thinking? (Dating a separated non-Christ... - 5/12/2008 8:03:14 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1265
Joined: 6/12/2007
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If you truly repented then it would not be hard to forgive yourself...You really can not forgive yourself...You need to go back and ask for forgiveness of your actions and to this man as well as to God...
You need to explain to this man that you cannot continue to see him in the circumstances that he is in...Like you've stated he is still MARRIED. On top of this he also has children...what does that make you? Why is he separated in the first place?
You know what you have to do...give him up...you are not going to received any peace from God until you do...
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RE: What was I thinking? (Dating a separated non-Christ... - 5/12/2008 10:56:59 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/26/2007
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You feel guilty because you pursued pleasure in a place that's off-limits and went against God: He's not a Christian so he is totally ineligible to you. Plus he's married; ditto. Your feelings aren't lying to you - you're guilty.
You're having problems because, frankly, before you found him, you were having problems. No slam there, just background (we all have problems). Then maybe you gave your heart away (God says to guard your heart) and made some emotional bonds. It hurts to break them.
Hang in there; the feelings will fade in time. Give yourself up to a year to get over him, and meanwhile, confess to God what you did, turn away from it, and start living the way you think God would have you live (no non-Christian guys, no married guys, no feeding your pleasures that God doesn't allow, no intimacy of any kind before marriage or giving your heart away). It beats finding you've married the wrong person and have to live with that the next 50 years!
We all blow it. I John 1: 8,9 covers what to do. God's not surprised since when Christ died for us we were then lost in sin. We trip a lot.  God loves and forgives us a lot.  Pick yourself up, Christian, confess and repent, take God's hand and step out in a new day. You are loved. Go tell someone that God loves them, too. (hug) And go tell that guy it's over. Period. Be strong and courageous in the Lord.
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RE: What was I thinking? (Dating a separated non-Christ... - 5/14/2008 12:24:42 AM
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Dakotasunbeam
Posts: 1144
Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
Status: offline
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What she said.
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
You feel guilty because you pursued pleasure in a place that's off-limits and went against God: He's not a Christian so he is totally ineligible to you. Plus he's married; ditto. Your feelings aren't lying to you - you're guilty.
You're having problems because, frankly, before you found him, you were having problems. No slam there, just background (we all have problems). Then maybe you gave your heart away (God says to guard your heart) and made some emotional bonds. It hurts to break them.
Hang in there; the feelings will fade in time. Give yourself up to a year to get over him, and meanwhile, confess to God what you did, turn away from it, and start living the way you think God would have you live (no non-Christian guys, no married guys, no feeding your pleasures that God doesn't allow, no intimacy of any kind before marriage or giving your heart away). It beats finding you've married the wrong person and have to live with that the next 50 years!
We all blow it. I John 1: 8,9 covers what to do. God's not surprised since when Christ died for us we were then lost in sin. We trip a lot. God loves and forgives us a lot. Pick yourself up, Christian, confess and repent, take God's hand and step out in a new day. You are loved. Go tell someone that God loves them, too. (hug) And go tell that guy it's over. Period. Be strong and courageous in the Lord.
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RE: What was I thinking? (Dating a separated non-Christ... - 5/14/2008 11:02:13 AM
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mochatini
Posts: 4
Joined: 5/12/2008
Status: offline
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Although I disagree - I think it's possible to still have feelings of guilt long after God has forgiven you. We are human after all...thanks for the encouragement. I wasn't getting notifications for this so I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner.
Since I posted I did tell him that I can't be with someone who is separated, even if it is legal in the eyes of man. He is hurt, and I've apologized for basically freaking out on him and walking away, but I know that it was the right thing to do.
Whenever I begin to mope and think about him, I try and turn it into prayer. Maybe I will hear from him again, maybe I won't. Maybe his life will change and he will come to know God. Whatever happens, I will be okay.
I've resigned myself to the fact that I may eventually have the life of Paul - lifelong singlehood and never having sex. But lately, I've been starting to realize that even if the Lord comes back before any of this happens, heaven will be far better than any relationship on this earth.
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RE: What was I thinking? (Dating a separated non-Christ... - 5/15/2008 6:00:26 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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quote:
Although I disagree - I think it's possible to still have feelings of guilt long after God has forgiven you. We are human after all...thanks for the encouragement. I wasn't getting notifications for this so I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner.
It is "possible" to have feelings of guilt "long" after God has forgiven you but it's a surefire indicator that something is incomplete in your understanding of God's grace. As Deermousie pointed out, you felt guilty because your were guilty so the feeling of guilt was appropriate at the time. However, when God has forgiven you and you continue to give in to feelings of guilt, it shows that you have not accepted God's grace and forgiveness as being sufficient and you somehow feel you have to add to it by continuing to beat yourself up for a while. This is an offensive affront to the God who gave you your righteousness through Christ and it does not stem from the godly sorrow God wants you to have. Decide to accept God's forgiveness as being enough and don't allow Satan to lie to you anymore about how you should feel about this incident. What the Lord wants is for you to repent, not mope around in guilt as if Christ's blood wasn't enough to cover your sin. Accept God's forgiveness and demonstrate your gratitude to Him by being obedient to His will.
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 5/15/2008 6:08:31 PM >
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Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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