|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/2/2009 10:09:14 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2433
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
... what does it mean to you?
Is it rejection, is it a sign to slow down, is it potential to become more later?
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/2/2009 11:56:17 PM
|
|
|
APZR
Posts: 1017
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: offline
|
Many, many moons ago when dating, to me that phrase was flat out rejection. In the back of my mind I knew we'd hang out for maybe a couple or few months before she found a BF, then all communication ceased. That scenario happened a couple of times before I figured out to cut off all communication upon the "let's be friends" talk.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/3/2009 2:08:20 AM
|
|
|
_Don_
Posts: 220
Joined: 5/13/2007
From: Close enough to the mountains.
Status: offline
|
Good question...I have found that the "Let's be friends" response to an expression of romantic interest is almost always used as what is thought to be a polite way to say "No, I'm not interested in you." And I think many (most?) guys interpret it that way. This response isn't seen as better than a clear rejection by the guys I know. We'd rather a definite "No!" One can compare the responses to removing a bandage slowly or ripping it off quickly. The "friends" answer may leave hope where there is none and drag the awkwardness and pain out. The "No!" answer gets the rejection over quickly and just feels better even though it is initially scary.
Further, in my experience usually the woman isn't really interested a friendship anymore having learned of the guy's romantic interest. I'm of the opinion that friendships that have a significant interest differential don't turn out to be good friendships for either person anyway.
If a woman really IS interested in a guy and really does want to be friends with the aim of exploring and developing that interest then she should be very careful to clearly state this in her response as many (most?) guys will interpret any "Let's be friends" response as a resounding "No!" Actually, just need to hear the word "friends" to trigger the "No!"
It could just be me and I could be really be sensitive to the whole "Let's be friends" thing but I think there is an inverse relationship between the frequency a female friend or acquaintance uses the word "friend" to describe our current relationship and her romantic interest (The more she emphasises the friendship the less she is interested in a romantic relationship). What do you guys think?
As an aside, I interpret "I think of you as a brother in Christ," and frequent use of the term "brother in Christ" similarly as a rejection and as another distancing tool. Oh yeah, "nice guy" is another phrase that makes me and my friends cringe and discount any possibility of a romantic relationship...
_____________________________
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dummy Robot #2
My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself. from Futurama
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/3/2009 4:29:41 PM
|
|
|
mrtigger
Posts: 221
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
... what does it mean to you?
Is it rejection, is it a sign to slow down, is it potential to become more later?
Way back when I was dating, it was meant as "not interested in you romantically now nor probably ever".
Maybe it means something different these days.
_____________________________
Tom
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 12:08:40 AM
|
|
|
Gigem08
Posts: 225
Joined: 10/9/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: _Don_
Good question...I have found that the "Let's be friends" response to an expression of romantic interest is almost always used as what is thought to be a polite way to say "No, I'm not interested in you." And I think many (most?) guys interpret it that way. This response isn't seen as better than a clear rejection by the guys I know. We'd rather a definite "No!" One can compare the responses to removing a bandage slowly or ripping it off quickly. The "friends" answer may leave hope where there is none and drag the awkwardness and pain out. The "No!" answer gets the rejection over quickly and just feels better even though it is initially scary.
Further, in my experience usually the woman isn't really interested a friendship anymore having learned of the guy's romantic interest. I'm of the opinion that friendships that have a significant interest differential don't turn out to be good friendships for either person anyway.
If a woman really IS interested in a guy and really does want to be friends with the aim of exploring and developing that interest then she should be very careful to clearly state this in her response as many (most?) guys will interpret any "Let's be friends" response as a resounding "No!" Actually, just need to hear the word "friends" to trigger the "No!"
It could just be me and I could be really be sensitive to the whole "Let's be friends" thing but I think there is an inverse relationship between the frequency a female friend or acquaintance uses the word "friend" to describe our current relationship and her romantic interest (The more she emphasises the friendship the less she is interested in a romantic relationship). What do you guys think?
As an aside, I interpret "I think of you as a brother in Christ," and frequent use of the term "brother in Christ" similarly as a rejection and as another distancing tool. Oh yeah, "nice guy" is another phrase that makes me and my friends cringe and discount any possibility of a romantic relationship...
Dude,
You nailed this one on the head. I couldn't have put it any better myself.
I resoundingly agree with everything you said here.
_____________________________
Jonathan S. Wilder
I only ask that you be real...
(Me)
(Please call me Jonathan, THANKS!)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 12:25:30 AM
|
|
|
warpspeed10
Posts: 52
Joined: 8/18/2009
Status: offline
|
If its with a girl you barely know and just asked out or told you that after a few dates or something then what _Don_ said. Can't say its true for every girl, but most of them are like that.
quote:
Further, in my experience usually the woman isn't really interested a friendship anymore having learned of the guy's romantic interest. I'm of the opinion that friendships that have a significant interest differential don't turn out to be good friendships for either person anyway.
This, also makes them of weak character. (wo)man up and just say the truth. All this kind of hypocritical, awkward, shy stuff is immature.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 3:07:48 PM
|
|
|
9drtr
Posts: 821
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Toronto the Good
Status: offline
|
"Let's be friends" is a polite way of saying "I'd rather date a serial killer than you."
_____________________________
Edwin
When we know who is coming, how can we worry about what is coming? When the last hour belongs to us, how can we worry about the next minute?
Ross Crighton
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 6:00:39 PM
|
|
|
StephenJ
Posts: 403
Joined: 12/3/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: 9drtr
"Let's be friends" is a polite way of saying "I'd rather date a serial killer than you."
Pretty much.
It means drop dead looser. That and "I'm waiting on God's timing."
_____________________________
Rock on!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 9:11:33 PM
|
|
|
uncabeeil
Posts: 4715
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Joisey. Got a problem wit dat?
Status: offline
|
quote:
Way back when I was dating, it was meant as "not interested in you romantically now nor probably ever". Yup, that's what it means all right.
_____________________________
PLAY BALL!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 10:21:45 PM
|
|
|
lightbeamrider
Posts: 224
Joined: 6/6/2008
Status: offline
|
If i wanted a friend i would get a dog. They are far more loyal. Course i don't remember the last time a female said that to me. The ones i am attracted to usually tell me ''drop dead looser'' and i love em for it!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 10:41:01 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 6218
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I hate that I'm getting in so late on this. This is one of my favorite rants.
_Don_ had a great post. Right on the money.
StephenJ was also right on.
"Let's be friends" or "friends first" is teh kiss of death to most men. We've all heard some woman we desired use this on us and most of us had hung around "being friends" while she went out with other guys and cut out hearts out with a dull plastic knife.
Eventually we learn that "let's be friends" does indeed mean "drop dead loser. Dry up and blow away and never let me see you again"
It is one the cruelest and most inhumane things a woman can say to a guy who likes her. It is far kinder to just spit in his face, call him a loser and let him get on with his life rather than wasting time waiting for the girl who wants to "be friends"
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/4/2009 11:27:48 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2433
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: 9drtr
"Let's be friends" is a polite way of saying "I'd rather date a serial killer than you."
ROTFL
Well, then I blew it, guys: I used this on a guy who was coming on strong but was very immature. I could see this turning to marriage after he grew up some (a lot) but not the thoughtless, untrained way he was at the time. I was scared to tell him how much I liked him for fear that he would take that as encouragement and come on even stronger. He was in no position to follow through, but that might not have stopped him, either.
Too bad; I really liked him, but he wasn't interested in even a friendly fatherly hand on the shoulder that would have meant a discipling situation and a fix of his problem.
Maybe it's rare for a woman to act like I did. I hope his life will be good.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/5/2009 10:52:55 AM
|
|
|
jn1010lf
Posts: 443
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline
|
Hello deermousie
In essence it means that a guy is being told to keep his hands withing three feet of her and his heart turned off toward her.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/5/2009 6:35:11 PM
|
|
|
9drtr
Posts: 821
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Toronto the Good
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
It is far kinder to just spit in his face, call him a loser and let him get on with his life rather than wasting time waiting for the girl who wants to "be friends"
It is far kinder to kick him between the legs.
_____________________________
Edwin
When we know who is coming, how can we worry about what is coming? When the last hour belongs to us, how can we worry about the next minute?
Ross Crighton
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/5/2009 7:48:56 PM
|
|
|
dnp200450
Posts: 610
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline
|
Women, for future reference, use one of the following words to get rid of a guy:
The “F-Word”: “We should just be friends.”
The “B-Word”: As in, “you are my Brother in Christ”. Another one I have heard, “you are like a Brother to me.”
The “S-Word”: “I am Spirit filled and don’t desire to ever be involved with the fleshly matters!”
The “A-Word”: As in, “you’re an Angel.” We all know that Angels are genderless.
The “J-Word”: This is the hydrogen bomb take-no-prisoners word. It has the fallout of, um, eternity. The “J word' is actually worse than any combination of; the above words, a spit in the face and a well placed kick. It is used comparatively to show what a small insignificant parasite a man really is direct relation to the Son of God. I will use it in a two sentences to better illustrate my meaning:
#1) “I have Jesus, why would I want you?!”
#2) “What can you do for me what Jesus can’t?!”
This are the only ones I can think of that have been used against me, though I maybe missing some. Perhaps some of the others on this thread can post words that have been used against them as well. Remember to use discretion because this is a Christian website 
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/10/2009 7:18:49 AM
|
|
|
ajlewis
Posts: 137
Status: offline
|
Yeah, it generally means "get lost".
If you're really friends, you shouldn't have to say so.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/10/2009 10:16:50 AM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2433
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: jn1010lf
In essence it means that a guy is being told to keep his hands withing three feet of her and his heart turned off toward her.
Well, I did mean that... for now. I told him, "Just stay friends so the relationship could last a long time." I was afraid to say he had a future so I just implied it; I guess he never got that part. My bad. I didn't want to commit in case he never got his act together later and I'd have to turn him down anyway (as it turns out, I would have had to).
It's ironic - his good friend did do it the way I was trying to steer this guy, and it turned out well for all involved.
All in all, it worked out the best in the end, since marriage with a guy who isn't capable of being well-married yet is a deal-breaker. I have to trust God on this one, because I don't see the whole picture, but God promises to not withhold any good thing so He's not holding out on me. Ps. 84:11
Thanks for the input, guys; I've learned a lot from this. 
And needed to. I am a moron.
< Message edited by deermousie -- 10/10/2009 1:19:50 PM >
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/11/2009 7:23:54 AM
|
|
|
ravneskrik
Posts: 99
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
yeah, it definitely means:
"i have absolutely no interest in you in that way ... i also don't really have any interest in being your friend either, but I am trying to be polite and am hoping you realise that i actually mean 'get out of my life for good, but please don't make a big scene since we are technically still 'friends' ... but yeah, go away'".
_____________________________
Domine Iesu Christe, Fili Dei, miserere mei, peccatoris.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/11/2009 10:47:25 AM
|
|
|
makarizo
Posts: 2221
Joined: 4/13/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
... what does it mean to you?
Is it rejection, is it a sign to slow down, is it potential to become more later?
I have the different response!!!!!
when I hear those words, I experience relief. I am very reject-able, and would rather see up front honesty than ingratiating complacency that can reduce one to the level of "pest"
I am certain that I will never be the "coming on too strong" type.
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/12/2009 10:05:20 AM
|
|
|
dnp200450
Posts: 610
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
The “S-Word”: “I am Spirit filled and don’t desire to ever be involved with the fleshly matters!”
Oh, I almost forgot. There is another "S-Word" that should be avoided. "I feel safe around you".
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/12/2009 11:46:37 AM
|
|
|
jhuperetes
Posts: 1579
Status: offline
|
Although the rest are right on the money, this one I have some doubts. I would interpret it as they do feel safe around me. I would want my future bride to feel safe around me. Maybe this is very situational, as opposed to the others.
quote:
Oh, I almost forgot. There is another "S-Word" that should be avoided. "I feel safe around you".
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/12/2009 12:43:24 PM
|
|
|
dnp200450
Posts: 610
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
Although the rest are right on the money, this one I have some doubts. I would interpret it as they do feel safe around me. I would want my future bride to feel safe around me. Maybe this is very situational, as opposed to the others.
quote:
Oh, I almost forgot. There is another "S-Word" that should be avoided. "I feel safe around you".
Safe, is another word with multiple meanings. Is is not the word itself that is the issue. Of course you would want your bride to feel safe around you. You would want to go to a safe place as well. On the flip side, I have heard the word used to refer to the male stragglers that you sometimes see that hang around women but are always dateless themselves. They may have asked her out in the beginning and were told, "no, but let be friends". So they hand out with the woman. Meanwhile she gets to use him as a safety to block advancements from other guys. If she is on a date with man she is protected by her boyfriend.
In my circles, (greater N.Y.C. area) these guys are referred to as safe by women. Safeties are always single men with enough social skills to get by. Though no one in their set of female "friends" would actually ever date them. He is relationally passive and non-assertive. If he tries to take a friendship to the next level he will get the response, "you are such a good friend, I feel so safe around you". In essence safe might as well mean he is a eunuch, a gay guy friend or an asexual. None of these is perceived as a 'threat'. Though neither is seen as boyfriend/husband material either. Now you see the more negative meaning of that word.
There are a lot of safeties among Christian groups. Though is this circle you are more likely to hear the friend referred to as a Brother instead of a safety. He is always dateless. When he does ask a woman out he is always rejected. Which makes him depressed and he then looses self confidence. When he asks a woman out on a date she senses his low esteem and says no. After serial rejections he gives up and prays for someone to love him and a wife. But nothing happens because he is now uncomfortable asking women out. So he talks to a woman as if she was just another male friend. So she does in fact become his friend. But he hopes the relationship will turn in to much more. It doesn't of course because he does not act like a real man, just one of the girls.
Before you try to flame me, I must tell you I have actually seen this happen time and time again. So this is not some theory I have read out of a book or heard talked about in a seminar. It is sad but not unexpected. These guys never ever have dates because they lose hope.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/12/2009 1:30:41 PM
|
|
|
jhuperetes
Posts: 1579
Status: offline
|
dnp200450, I understand and with your second paragraph explained it well.
Safe in your context refers to an individual who will not attempt to ask for a real date or court. Which, presumably, puts the woman at ease. In essence puts the man into the "one of the girls" group.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When she says "Let's be friends" - 10/12/2009 1:51:48 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2433
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
Safeties are always single men with enough social skills to get by. Though no one in their set of female "friends" would actually ever date them. He is relationally passive and non-assertive. If he tries to take a friendship to the next level he will get the response, "you are such a good friend, I feel so safe around you". In essence safe might as well mean he is a eunuch, a gay guy friend or an asexual. None of these is perceived as a 'threat'. Though neither is seen as boyfriend/husband material either. Now you see the more negative meaning of that word.
There are a lot of safeties among Christian groups.
Before you try to flame me, I must tell you I have actually seen this happen time and time again.
No flames here, but a corroboration: this accurately describes my husband. He had tons of gals he'd go out with for coffee, and they'd cry on each other's shoulders that they didn't have a bf/gf.
Then he met me, asked me out, I told him to wait five weeks (I was student teaching and maxed out) and he did (better than a no, I guess!). We went out and discovered we were practically a perfect match. Whoo-woo! Neither of us was a spring chicken. We've been married over two decades now, and are still in love and have a great kid, by God's grace.
Maybe being a safety is God's way of protecting guys until God's choice of woman comes into his life. I heard a pastor say as much: God is protecting you until the right one comes along. That would mean it's not a bad thing.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
and decent in their rejections. 
