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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 10:37:09 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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Thanks for the comments and kind words. You guys make good points that I will take into consideration.
I pressed her to talk to me tonight. This is her official position:
She wants to stay married so that she can stay here...in our home. Her reason is purely selfish. She doesn't want to have to move and find a place for her animals...she doesn't want to give up our perfect location for horseback riding.
She can't love me anymore because from her perspective my love is too limited. She says I can only love her or any woman so much...because I will always put my kids first...my "blood" as she put it. She says in order to love her (or any woman) the right way...I must be willing to forsake my children for her. She also out and out told me that in her ideal world, she "wants the boys out of the house"...gone.
She will only pay 1/4 of the bills, she will not take responsibility for anything. She will wash clothes if she feels like it...she will cook dinner if her conditions are met...and she "does not care" if I don't like it...and she will not leave...and short of filing for divorce myself...I can't legally make her.
She is content to live like this. Married, but not a couple. She is even willing to have sex...as long as I don't expect her to "love me" in order to do it. It would be strictly a physical thing...a stress reliever...
Things will never be able to go back...she feels that I have hurt her too deeply by not backing her 100% of the time on disciplinary issues. (sorry...I cannot back someone who is being ridiculous and harsh) She has absolutely convinced herself that I am not the man she thought she fell in love with...because the man she fell in love with would be there to defend her against anyone...anywhere...whether she was right or wrong. I am...I have been in the past...even when I thought she was wrong...but I just WILL NOT choose to abandon my kids...for her or anyone.
The woman is possibly one of the most selfish people I have ever met.
I have tried to not disparage her here...just to describe events and situation as they presented themselves...but by golly...I just cannot even begin to pretend to know who this woman is. I have seen signs of her selfish behavior in the past...but I have chosen to forgive and forget...but now...this is just........I don't even know what to say....
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 11:34:27 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
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Would you let anyone else treat your boys this way?
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/13/2008 10:58:12 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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OK...I'm really confused now.
First off...sex is now off limits...but then I expected that.
She finally told me that all of this is because I "allowed" (her word) my son to physically accost her. I believe I posted about this in another thread...
http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_2743838/mpage_2/tm.htm
She can never trust me again...never feel safe in our home. At first this evening...she told me that she was re-examining our 21 year relationship and thinks she may have never loved me...just was fond of me...but towards the end of the conversation...she told me that she loves me too...BUT...nothing can fix our problems.
I initiated the conversation because today after thinking about it...I realized I wanted to tell her that I love her...and I always will..no strings attached.
It became more...talking, arguing...sniping...griping......talking some more...
Even when she chose to be condescending towards me...I made it a point to tell her that I still loved her...she kept saying "I know."
What confuses me is that she is SO convinced that DS17 (18 now) accosted her...that she is willing to throw away 15 years of marriage...and 21 years of love. Who would do that?
I know what I saw...and what I believe happened when I couldn't see was pieced together based on what he told me, she told me and what my youngest son heard and then saw. Colored by the way she has acted in the past, my picture of what happened is the best I can surmise.
The only thing now she will accept to begin to smoothe things over is for me to acknowledge her version of the story as absolute fact and to "do something" to my eldest son...AND to throw him out of the house and basically never let him back in.
She will not (despite many requests tonight to do so. I even told her that it would be a much better investment than to spend 20k collectively for a contested divorce) attend counseling with me. She asked me if the counselor and I can guarantee that she will be safe in our home...she asked facetiously...and then informed me that there was no way that would ever happen...so there was no way she was going to go.
I tried to set down a boundary tonight...I told her that she was to decide by the end of this month whether she was;
a. Going to be my wife and start BEING my wife...or;
b. Make a decision to leave and file for divorce.
Of course she challenged me with "Or what?"
Or the decision will be made for you...because I got married to be her husband...not just her roommate.
*Sigh*
I don't know if that demand/boundary was the correct thing to do...but I feel myself waning already...I want more time....we need more time....
(I should add that things are relatively calm and there are few conflicts now because she has been staying away from all of us when she is home...so I don't anticipate many problems...so we should have time to work on things)
I have spent 15 years patiently putting up with a LOT of things that other men or women would not...and in order to not disparage my wife...I will leave these things undiscussed...and so I think I can wait awhile longer...maybe I'm a fool...since she has already said that there is basically no way to restore our marriage...
I will give it more time. I'm going to have to trust God to heal my marriage and family...
Man....this is hard...
I know I said in other posts and threads that I am "looking forward" to getting on with my life...and I will adopt that attitude in order to survive if she does divorce me...but it was premature bravado to imply that I already was....I am so scared...
My heart is broken...and I know hers is too. She believes so strongly in her perspective on this that she will destroy both of our lives over this...I don't know how to counter that.
All I ask is for your prayers.
Thank you.
< Message edited by swagedsoul -- 3/13/2008 11:05:37 PM >
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/14/2008 12:38:50 AM
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TMeeks
Posts: 2131
Joined: 1/27/2007
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You don't have to live this way... either of you.
Your thinking is toxic (blaming her) and her thinking is toxic (blaming you) and all either or both of you have to do is to turn from your fear based thinking to faith based thinking. And, that is accomplished in a FAR more practical way than you ever imagined.
You aren't fighting. You're BRAINS are fighting... as are all the old negative memories in each of you that go right on back to when you were wearing diapers!
You've indicated that you are both Christians. So, the Holy Spirit is IN each of you. And, I can assure you that He is NOT liking any of this!
The Holy Spirit wants to RENEW your minds... and that is NOT just words in a book we call the Bible. It is a REALITY. He wants both you and her to take EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE. And, again that is not just some platitude or cliche thrown around to sound spiritual. It's a REALITY.
And, the quickest way I know for you to understand the reality of BOTH of these promises is to watch the DVDs by Dr. Leaf that I already mentioned in this thread. I'd say the book; but, in this case the DVD has a lot more information that I think will help diffuse the situation you find yourself in. I'd actually get both.
I don't know if it will save your marriage. That is up to you and your wife. But, right now, I do not know ANYTHING that has greater potential for good in your marriage and lives than this DVD series or the book.
Please, stop wasting time arguing and use the time to change your brains and change your lives! 6 Sessions, 30 minutes or less per session, equals an investment of just 3 hours to begin to put all this turmoil behind you! 
Come on, wagedsoul, you CAN do this!!! I KNOW it! 
< Message edited by TMeeks -- 3/14/2008 12:50:34 AM >
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/14/2008 11:53:49 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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I can...I would...
After discussions last night and tonight...it is painfully clear. She has flat out stated she is not willing to work this out. She will not go to counseling (because she predicts that I will not change) and she will not talk about it anymore.
It's over...barring a miracle from God....it's over.
Thanks for all of the advice and the opportunity to share.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/15/2008 12:02:34 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 7697
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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Good luck and know that we are praying for you.
_____________________________
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/15/2008 2:01:45 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 2131
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quote:
ORIGINAL: swagedsoul
I can...I would...
After discussions last night and tonight...it is painfully clear. She has flat out stated she is not willing to work this out. She will not go to counseling (because she predicts that I will not change) and she will not talk about it anymore.
It's over...barring a miracle from God....it's over.
Thanks for all of the advice and the opportunity to share.
To be honest, I am beginning to understand how she feels.
There are over 30 posts in this thread and I have offered you what I am confident is your best hope, for both you and her. But, as far as I can tell, you've not made one move to explore the advice even though it would cost you just $15 on the low end and $79 on the high end.
At the very least that is cheaper than a divorce!
So, after 30 posts, we hear, once again how SHE has a problem... and that problem is that she thinks YOU are unwilling to change. Are there some similarities here?
The miracle from God, it appears to me is that you actually make a move to save this marriage by committing yourself to some changes instead of just talking about how your wife is at fault for your marriage's collapse!
So, let's review her last complaint and how you could have nullified it. On the 3rd of March, I wrote to you about a book that I thought would help HER change HER toxic thinking. Had you immediately acted on that advice, gotten the book and read it YOURSELF first, she would, by now, have evidence that you DO want to change even if that change was not immediately evident or even if you totally disagreed with the book. At least she would have seen that you were trying.
This should be your most important goal right now if you truly want to grow as a person and save your marriage. In fact, I think it's reaching a critical state for you... not her. You have to decide that you aren't going to be a person of whom it can be said that you are unwilling to change. DO something to change that reality or perception.
IF you don't like to purchase things online and you have a bookstore nearby, hop in your car and go look for a book called, "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Daniel Amen. It's a secular book that will explain, by way of actual brain scans, some of what is going on in both of you. Your current situation is the result of years of TOXIC thinking and Dr. Amen's book shows you what this toxic thinking does to the brain as it relates to both physical structure and attitude. His terminology would say that both you and your wife need to exterminate the ANTS in your brain.  ANTS = Automatic Negative Thoughts
This negative brain activity is, at least in part, the FLESH that the Bible talks about and seeing how it harms us will be an eye opener!
Later, you can pick up Dr. Leaf's DVD set for the Christian and Biblical applications confirmed by the medical research that Amen's book talks about.
It appears to me that you need to step up and take some ownership of the problems you've described and only then will you be a person that she can trust WILL be willing to change. Right now, I tend to understand where she's coming from and only YOU can turn that perception around.
This isn't just for your marriage. This is for YOU. I know you can do it, so let's get to it!
I don't mean to jump on you when I know you are in mental and emotional pain; but, we're talking about some life-changing stuff here no matter where this goes. Wouldn't it be better to see that life-changing process have a POSITIVE result rather than a NEGATIVE result that divorce would bring to both of you?
< Message edited by TMeeks -- 3/15/2008 2:12:22 PM >
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/15/2008 2:24:29 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 2131
Joined: 1/27/2007
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Some short observations...
quote:
ORIGINAL: swagedsoul
She will not go to counseling (because she predicts that I will not change) and she will not talk about it anymore.
Toxic Thinking: Fortune Telling
This type of thinking bases present actions on perceived future outcome. We're not God so how do we REALLY know the outcome of ANY future event.
Prescription - Learn to refuse to be a fortune teller. God condemns it. Apply the truth, that is that we CAN'T predict the outcome so anything is worth a try.
quote:
It's over...barring a miracle from God....it's over.
Toxic Thinking: Failure to take ownership
This type of thinking sees ourselves as victims. It looks for solutions that are external either from another person or from God. It results in the person not looking inside for ways to change their situation and results in immobility.
Prescription: Take ownership of our own attitudes and actions that have contributed toward our own toxic thinking. Then look for ways to change this toxic thinking and instill new attitudes and actions that will change the external situation. See God as working on US as well as others.
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/20/2008 11:20:37 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TMeeks
To be honest, I am beginning to understand how she feels.
OK...no offense...but I don't really care. That was just an unnecessary thing to say to me.
quote:
ORIGINAL: TMeeksThere are over 30 posts in this thread and I have offered you what I am confident is your best hope, for both you and her. But, as far as I can tell, you've not made one move to explore the advice even though it would cost you just $15 on the low end and $79 on the high end.
At the very least that is cheaper than a divorce!
So...you get a commission on this product or what? How do you know what I have tried, bought or discussed with my wife? You don't.
Read on.
quote:
ORIGINAL: TMeeks
So, after 30 posts, we hear, once again how SHE has a problem... and that problem is that she thinks YOU are unwilling to change. Are there some similarities here?
Let us NOT forget that I am the one seeking counseling...and SHE is the one that quit essentially after one session...and then sat stubbornly staring at the wall through the second...not I brother...not I.
quote:
ORIGINAL: TMeeks
The miracle from God, it appears to me is that you actually make a move to save this marriage by committing yourself to some changes instead of just talking about how your wife is at fault for your marriage's collapse!
Like I said...you have no idea what I have read, said or done...and I never said she was "at fault"...just that she was the one deciding to end our marriage...to not seek medical help for our sick marriage...
quote:
ORIGINAL: TMeeks
So, let's review her last complaint and how you could have nullified it. On the 3rd of March, I wrote to you about a book that I thought would help HER change HER toxic thinking. Had you immediately acted on that advice, gotten the book and read it YOURSELF first, she would, by now, have evidence that you DO want to change even if that change was not immediately evident or even if you totally disagreed with the book. At least she would have seen that you were trying.
SHE refused to read anything...participate in counseling...talk to anyone except some secular friends of hers about what was really bothering her.
I was trying...I was praying and trying to trust God. I was reading other material that we already own on the subject...and I was refusing (even against all apparent odds) to give up completely.
quote:
ORIGINAL: TMeeks
It appears to me that you need to step up and take some ownership of the problems you've described and only then will you be a person that she can trust WILL be willing to change. Right now, I tend to understand where she's coming from and only YOU can turn that perception around.
Her mistrust is misplaced and based in a significant amount on her abuse as a child. She is mistrusting me...because a man she once trusted hurt her...tremendously....and because I would not do her bidding with regards to my child...to MY FIRST OBLIGATION...then she decided to compare me to her abuser...
Now the good news.
God is AWESOME!
We're not out of the woods yet...but we had a miracle last Sunday.
I went to a lunch meeting with a dear Christian friend that was once a ministry candidate...and I trust his opinion implicitly.
We were to meet at 2pm...and DW and I were having a heated discussion up to the minute I walked out the door and headed out to meet my friend.
As of the time of my departure...she was still adamantly refusing to go to counseling with me.
The last thing I told her before I let was that she needed to let me know by bedtime whether or not she would go...if she could not do that and have that answer be in the affirmative...then I would accept her inevitable departure...mourn for the death of our marriage...and then begin to move on with my life.
My friend...?
He told me that I needed to move on...IF she was unwilling to participate in seeking the cure for our ailing marriage.
She called me several times...sounding quite smug...asking what my friends advice was...telling me (seemingly arrogantly...which I discovered later was intentional) that she "couldn't wait" to hear his thoughts.
I was steeling myself to make the necessary decisions...
Little did I know...
Now...the miracle.
I arrived home around 7pm...to a fancy dinner including NY strip steak...and a smiling wife. 
Seems she has had a complete change of heart in 6 short hours...she now WANTS to go to counseling...WANTS to be my wife....DOES love me...and WANTS to resume having an emotional and physical relationship...
She was trying to sound cocky and arrogant when she called me so that I would still be expecting the worst when I got home...so she could surprise me with the dinner and her change of heart...
Now yes...I am a bit confused...and as I said...we aren't out of the woods yet...but if this is not a miracle ordained by God...then I don't know what would be.
We will be at the counselors at 0830 Saturday morning...thank you SO MUCH for your prayers!!!
Don't stop them now...we need all the help we can get!
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/21/2008 8:59:21 AM
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mene19
Posts: 5
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Long Island, NY
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She is playing you like a violin. She is manipulating you. Can you really not see this? Please. Open your eyes. I will pray you have a moment of clarity and discernment.
Susan
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/21/2008 9:06:25 AM
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christsgirl
Posts: 29
Joined: 12/28/2005
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swagedsoul,
All I can say is....been praying for you...now REJOICING with you!!!!!! THANK OUR HEAVENLY FATHER WHO IS STILL IN THE BUSINESS OF WORKING MIRACLES!!!!!!
And by the way...you have been a champion through this whole thing...so admirable. God will reward you for your faithfulness!
Christsgirl
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/21/2008 9:42:36 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2371
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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swagedsoul,
How did it go? Did she attend the counseling session?
_____________________________
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Every generation has to learn how to protect and defend it, or it's gone
and gone for a long, long time."
Ronald Reagan
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/21/2008 2:20:35 PM
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itsnotwhatuthink
Posts: 111
Joined: 3/19/2008
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I think you all need some time apart. By the way, that dinner?
It's not a miracle - it's called manipulation - your wife is unstable and has you on a nasty see saw. You need to get off. You need to do what is good for you and your sons. She seems to be very vindictive and VERY emotionally unstable. Double minded = unstable in all her ways. This whole mess is very draining on you and your wife is loving every minute of it - by the way, I don't think you are dealing with just flesh and blood here. You need to have someone praying with you about this whole thing.
I don't think she should be left alone with your sons and after they are gone, if you are still "together" she will start accusing you. Hope you get this worked out before you find out what I just said is true. I understand your confusion - been there myself. You will never be able to 'satisfy' this person - she does not really even want you to.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/21/2008 3:21:01 PM
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MrsOliver
Posts: 88
Joined: 3/19/2008
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Hello...this is all very good advice!! I have read through all of it..including your "books"..lol
As a wife of a Minister and a VERY LONG HARD ROAD in our marriage...I will say:
1. protect your children from her abuse..verbal, emotional, physical
2. like mentioned before..seperate your financials...don't pay her bills, feed etc. let her fail and fall on her face. Your job is your household..not the extras!!
3. pray. pray, pray, pray and did I say pray!!!!
God did not call you into a position of being verbally, emotionally and physically abused! so no shame or blame in getting your head on straight now...it sounds like you have been very passive and probably co-dependent for some time.
God will give you the grace to deal with her, until the situation merits immediate change.
She truely just needs her butt whoooped by God!!! So get out of the way..and let HIM have his way with her.
Read about David and Michal!!! God was so displeased with her disrespect and contentious attitude towards David that she was unable to EVER HAVE CHILDREN!! (that was huge for that era in time)
God will open the doors you need and close the ones you don't!! trust HIM....spend a lot of time with your sons!!!!
YOur wife is not acting like your wife!! so when she is not acting right....you be the man of God you were called to be..be respectful and kind in your words. " A gentle word turns away wrath" however, you don't have to stand there and take it!!! find something else to do.
And Don't ask her again what she is going to do about the relationship..or her plan....Let it be. She is planning, you better believe it..on how to get the best out of this. She is not treating you with love, respect or kindness. Don't tolerate it in your house..you are THE HEAD OF YOUR HOME!!! Pray with your sons for forgiveness for her as well. you don't want them to walk around with that type of resentment and anger.
In the End!!! Iwill pray for you and God will guide you!!!
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/22/2008 12:40:25 AM
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TMeeks
Posts: 2131
Joined: 1/27/2007
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quote:
So...you get a commission on this product or what? How do you know what I have tried, bought or discussed with my wife? You don't.
No, I don't get a commission. But, I have bought multiple copies to give away and plan to buy 10 more copies of the DVD set to give to local pastors dealing with situations in their flock like your own. I believe in its value that much.
Most Christian books on marriage, etc. cover surface issues... how she treats you... how you treat her... etc. But, they don't get to the root of the problem, which is how each of us think.
When we deal with the roots of how we and our spouse process and attach meaning to things done and said to us then we have a whole new perspective on why we cause each other pain and how to get rid of that pain.
You posted about the change in her in a 6 hour time period. Was this real? Was it NOT real?
Some, when they heard it, thought you were being duped. But, all any of us had was the SURFACE level behavior to go on. Did you know that some people will always do the OPPOSITE of the direction they think you want to go? You want to stay, they want to leave. You want to leave, they want to stay. It's actually got a name, "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" and it's associated with a problem in the cingulate system of the brain. Perhaps she suspected that you were going to get the advice that you got from your friend. If this is a problem for your wife, no wonder your life is confusing.
I don't usually give advice to stay or go, what to say or what not to say. The advice I give is to point people to the best tools that I've discovered that will allow them to make that decision with greater information and intelligence. I'm guessing that the problems you and your wife are experiencing are really problems with thought patterns of thinking that make both of you percieve the other's actions with some distortions based on past memories that where laid down well before you ever met each other.
When you each reach down and deal with those baseline, foundational thoughts with the forgiveness and restoration of Jesus Christ, then you can deal with each other more directly in the here and now and the suggestions in the other books on marriage that you may have read will prove more effective.
Finally, when we think of praying in conflict situations like the one you are in, we are encouraged to pray, pray, pray. And, that is good advice... but, with one caveat. Usually we take that to mean that we should cry out to God in fervent and lengthy petitions. I'd actually caution you against that. I would simply tell God that I'm resting in Him to do His Will in my life and my wife's life. And, here is why.
When we pray, we activate our brains AND we generate chemicals.
If we pray in FEAR and get too emotionally overwrought, our brains may generate the very chemicals that cause us to do exactly the wrong things and say exactly the wrong things. But, if we pray in FAITH and restfulness in God's faithfulness to do good for us, our brains generate calming chemicals. There is nothing unspiritual is this. It's the way God made us. That is why we are commanded to pray in faith and rest in His mercy. It puts YOU in a better position to be receptive to God's Word and the Holy Spirit's leading.
< Message edited by TMeeks -- 3/22/2008 12:55:26 AM >
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/22/2008 1:48:19 AM
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prodigalchild
Posts: 17
Joined: 1/26/2008
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Short, sweet, and to the point. We are to love one another, but we are to have and enforce BOUNDARIES. As someone has already mentioned, get the Cloud/Townsend book on boundaries.
Your wife is unhappy. You are unhappy. She sounds like a difficult person to deal with. Pursue peace. BUT MAINTAIN YOUR BOUNDARIES and quit giving into unreasonable demands, like paying ALL the bills.
I'm going to pray for you. Please take your focus off of her for a little bit. I hope you post about yourself and what boundaries you feel would be reasonable. Your wife is to respect you and you are to respect your wife. If she thinks she can walk all over you and keep you endlessly confused, she won't respect you.
B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/22/2008 11:18:48 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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We went to the counselor today...and without using the term boundaries...the counselor told DW she was overstepping her bounds and she needed to stop.
She told DW to stop disrespecting me...to stop with the manipulations...which DW admitted that she was doing.
We talked about communication (at my insistence) and HOW to communicate better.
Time will tell...but things have been better since last Sunday...and today was a pretty nice day...we spent most of it together.
TMeeks...I agree and practice the short and sweet...to the point prayers...and though I didn't say it before, thank you for pointing me towards the materials. Though I have not purchased them...I may yet.
We have agreed that I will manage the boys and the counselor gave her several stern "suggestions" as to how to properly deal with them when the are being typical teenagers. (which is dramatically different than the way she has been dealing with them)
I guess we'll see if I can help her to implement the counselors suggestions...in a loving way.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/23/2008 1:45:47 PM
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terryjohn
Posts: 470
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline
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Do nothing save be all Christ expects you to be! Your wife is doing all she can to hurt you. The insults are real and intended. I don't beleive there is anything you can do as her mind is set on a course of ultimate destruction and as such you should not seek to accelerate her madding headlong fall.
Be strong! And God says this is a creative sense. What this means is that you have to develop a vision of who you want to be in Christ for without this we all shall perish. Be filled with energy for your kids and wife and dismiss quickly all her foolishness for in light of eternity it is nothing. Do not let her get you down for then she really will dispise you. No love demands you no longer keep a record of her wrongs but love also means that you do not let her destroy our faith.
Let her rage burn itself out but be blameless in all things. Rejoice that you are innocent and that your love is insulted for you both have one that will judge and reward you according to your faith, love and righteousness.
Hence use your quite time to pray and build yourself up for the onslaught of evil and sin that will be thrown at you for this baptism of fire is one satan hopes you will fail. Above all else do not be worried but in all things give thanks for the things of this world are beginning to fade from view and soon some of us will have eternity to rejoice over our love, faith, courage and purpose of this life.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/23/2008 3:33:46 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2371
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
Status: offline
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There is a saying that goes:
Hurting people hurt people.
Your wife is hurting from something deep within her and the way she "feels" better is to hurt you and your children.
She may or may not want to uncover her hurt to allow healing to begin, but just know that God can heal and does heal broken hearts and spirits. Pray for her as you pray for yourself. Love her as you love yourself and allow God to deal with what hurt is inside.
_____________________________
"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.
Every generation has to learn how to protect and defend it, or it's gone
and gone for a long, long time."
Ronald Reagan
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/25/2008 2:24:40 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 2131
Joined: 1/27/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: swagedsoul
We went to the counselor today...and without using the term boundaries...the counselor told DW she was overstepping her bounds and she needed to stop.
She told DW to stop disrespecting me...to stop with the manipulations...which DW admitted that she was doing.
We talked about communication (at my insistence) and HOW to communicate better.
Time will tell...but things have been better since last Sunday...and today was a pretty nice day...we spent most of it together.
TMeeks...I agree and practice the short and sweet...to the point prayers...and though I didn't say it before, thank you for pointing me towards the materials. Though I have not purchased them...I may yet.
We have agreed that I will manage the boys and the counselor gave her several stern "suggestions" as to how to properly deal with them when the are being typical teenagers. (which is dramatically different than the way she has been dealing with them)
I guess we'll see if I can help her to implement the counselors suggestions...in a loving way.
I'm glad that you are going to counseling and considering the DVDs (or book). Counseling will buy some time while you learn the underlying root causes for both her and your actions. You'll be fascinated by what you learn and, I'm guessing, so will your wife. Again, the DVDs have some extra information about the differences in why women think differently than men and also how we best think.
I found out, for instance, WHY I feel so alert, free and alive when preaching. It's because my primary memory storage area is in the area of the brain that directs MOVEMENT. I'd realized that something was special about my creativity when I stood and walked around. But, this is the first time I'd found out WHY! This is really empowering because I always had to find an excuse to stand in meetings and now I'll simply explain WHY I need to stand. If they want the best from my brain, they'll let me get up and pace while adding to the conversation. Very cool!
I'm happy to see things cooling down a bit. :)
Lord, continue to move this couple clsoer and closer to the center of You will! We praise you for what you have already done in their lives and give you all the Glory for the changes that we've seen.
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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