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RE: When to get married - 5/15/2008 12:37:39 PM
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emon7
Posts: 2
Joined: 5/15/2008
Status: offline
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Hello, please, please before you get married get some intense Christian counsel!!!I just married a man 11 months ago. we thought we knew each other and that we were perfect for each other. NOT SO!!! Sadly to say getting married too soon was one of the biggest mistakes of my life! Marriage is beautiful, and I'm not saying you shouldn't get married. But you need to really find out who your boyfriend is(and vice versa). DONT RUSH!!! I did'nt heed to the many warnings GOD placed before me, listen and be patient. Let your love grow and mature....TAKE YOUR TIME!!!
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RE: When to get married - 5/15/2008 12:44:02 PM
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bride48
Posts: 5350
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Near Boston
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
Amymelissa, it looks like you've got responses from both sides of the argument.
First understand that I have no problem with young marriage. I married at 19, and I don't regret it.
*However* it's not like you're going to be an "old maid" at 20.  And the truth is, your boyfriends idea to pay off the loan and save some money before marriage is a very, very wise idea. Financial problems *are* hard on a marriage, no matter how much you love each other, and if you pressure your bf into marriage, and then have struggles (as you will, most likely) he may resent you.
You can wait another year or two. It won't kill you. But you will need to set things up so that you are not alone together if you two are tempted to impurity.
Before you break up with him if he still wants to wait, consider this--if you leave him, you won't be getting married in the next 6 months anyway. Even if you run across a fine young man the very next day, it would be insanely unwise to marry him on the rebound. So you will be waiting a while anyway.
Now, otoh, if you compromise and agree to wait, perhaps he can compromise and move the wedding date to something closer than 2 years? If you go to him with respect for *his* position and a willingness to wait, he may soften a little on the timeline.
Believe me, I know exactly how you are feeling. I was in your position, having to wait, and very unwilling to wait, 6 years ago, and it's no fun.
Very excellent post!
I'm thinking a lot about the account in Genesis of Jacob working seven years before he could marry Leah, and than another seven for Rachel. That's a lot of waiting, folks!
_____________________________
Joyfully,
DebbieLynne
The General and the Poet (blog entry)
<--Taken on August 24, 2008: our 6th anniversary
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RE: When to get married - 5/15/2008 12:53:55 PM
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chrystar
Posts: 47
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline
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opps, heh-heh - hit the button too quick
Waiting to get out of debt is not a valid reason to not get married; I mean let’s face it if we did that hardly any of us would have gotten married. I was a little disturbed that someone actual threw out a bible verse saying that we should not be in debt as some sort of rule or law, I mean dose that mean we should never own a house or a car, because unless your uber wealthy your going to have take a loan for that. So I think that you do need to point out to your bf that putting off the wedding simply because of waiting to get out of debt is really not a very strong argument.
In my opinion, as a man, I think doing the ultimatum is an extremely bad idea. If he gives in and he wasn’t ready then he will be feeling that he was trapped or forced into a marriage or he would loose you, and if he calls you on it...well then you have lost him forever, it is a loose-loose option. From your post I think that you and he have been handling this actually in a very mature fashion by simply talking about it. You have already learned the first lessons of marriage in that you will not always agree on everything. Keep talking, give it some time
As for the issue of the” hormones”….I can offer no advice to you as me and my wife, failed miserably in that regards, and now even after 8 years of marriage we are reaping some of that. The only thing I can tell you is that God grace is sufficient for everything
and that we all fall short from time to time. You are wise to see that that this is a problem, and pray for his strength when those “hormones” start to go a bit haywire. It is hard, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, but that is the only advice I can give, -Don’t- -give up!
Best wishes and prayers
_____________________________
zug-zug
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RE: When to get married - 5/15/2008 2:52:36 PM
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Fritzpw_Admin
Posts: 7685
Joined: 2/28/2005
From: New Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
Hi Amy!
I am going to change hats here and go into "daddy" mode and give you some advice that probably will run counter to what many are saying. I have 4 children, the youngest is in his 3rd year of college (22 yo) and the oldest 2 daughters are married.
Back in my college days the senior pastor of the church I attended strongly opposed long engagements. He also opposed casual dating. (much more vehemently than I do) He saw both as leading ourselves into temptation and sin. While I see his take as overboard, he did have a good point. His words: "God does not call you to be engaged, He calls you to be married." If you both are sure that your bf and you are in God's will for marriage. then by all means get yourselves ready and get married. Do not wait for years. If you are pushing boundaries now, in 2 years you will slip even farther. It is not natural nor is it God's overall plan for any of us to be in a place of tension and temptation for months and years with no way of legally fulfilling those needs. It is a recipie for disaster.
Over on themarriagebed.com, many young couples come there with the same question you have: how can we stay pure (especially in our thoughts) over the next 2, 3, 5 years of engagement? We have already gone too far....
The advice is the same: get married sooner before you go any further.
Amy: please pray about this and see if there is any way to move the date closer.
I completely agree with this advice.
_____________________________
Fritz
Senior Manager of Social Media
fritz@salemwebnetwork.com
Want to see my latest online project? Check out http://twitter.com/crosswalk_com
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RE: When to get married - 5/15/2008 5:22:03 PM
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starvin.artist.gurl
Posts: 79
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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First off, let me say, ultimatum is a very BAD idea. If you want to break up with him, break up with him; but do not threaten to break up with him to get what you want. This is NOT the pattern to set for marriage. Even if you get what you want, you won't really be getting what you want - which is a happy, healthy marriage.
I have no problems with young marriage. I was 20 and my husband was 22 on our wedding day. We have been very happily married just about 2 years now. (Second anniversary in 2 weeks  ) And I really whole-heartedly completely know and believe that if a couple keeps God as their focus, He will take care of every need they have. God amazingly orchestrated mine and my husband's life together. Jobs literally fell in our laps. Our house practically knocked on our door. Barely a year after we were married we were able to purchase a brand new construction for practically a third of the selling price - now that's a God thing! If you trust God, He'll take care of things you didn't even foresee as a possibility.
Having said that, it is going to be incredibly hard - actually impossible - for God to bless a relationship if you two are continuing to "go too far" as you said. God cannot bless sin, and that is what it is. I think you know that and I think maybe you want to use marriage as a bandaid - hurry up and put it on and then everything we're doing will suddenly be ok. Even if the only premarital sex you have is with the man you intend to marry, you will still do damage to your marriage and your relationship. You need to stop wishing you knew how to stop and actually start DOing something about it. You have the power to say NO. And yes, the Bible does say it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
I think you need to realize though that the way you two handle this situation will help to set the tone of your marriage. From what I can tell, he needs to learn to value your opinions, and you need to learn how to let him be a leader. I hate to say it, but the fact that you would threaten to break up with him in order to get him to marry you shows that you're probably not ready for the challenges and commitment involved in joining your life with someone. And the truth is... no one is ever truly ready. If you two are considering marriage, I would not say "I do" until you have had a good round of pre-marital counseling. (I think everyone should do premarital counseling. My husband and I did, and I'm really glad.)
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RE: When to get married - 5/18/2008 11:32:51 PM
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amymelissa
Posts: 2042
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: South Australia
Status: offline
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Hi everyone,
Thank you for your advice and opinions and input, it's been really good to hear what you all have to say. I sat down with my bf on Saturday (I gave him a print-out of most of the posts - up to #24 or 25 - to read Friday night) and he told me what he thought about all of this.
1. Most of it is a pride issue...if we get married too early and then can't afford to save for a house deposit because we've moved out of home too early and have so many more expenses then he's not going to feel like a very good husband. And then if I get pregnant he's going to regret getting married because if he can't support his wife how is he going to support a child as well. He wants us to get a good start at ouf life together unlike some other couples we know who married when both partners were studying.
2. About the car...his dad is forcing him to learn how to budget. He is paying off the car at the rate a house payment would be, which is good interest-wise, and also good for his money-management skills. ($15000 in 1 year) When we do get married we plan to live off one salary and save the other (most likely save mine as I earn a lot less) so knowing how to budget his salary is a good thing.
3. About breaking-up...I didn't mean it as a threat. This was mainly in response to my horrible lack of self control & temptation. If we're not going out then I can't be tempted, right? I guess I wasn't thinking straight when I typed that out. I apologise.
4. To emon7...we're not rushing into things too much. We've been dating for over 4 years now and I've know him for almost 5 1/2 years.
5. To 3cappuccinosmom...thanks for your post, I'm tending to agree more and more with waiting now.
Another thing that has been an issue with us before is my independance. When marriage has come up before he has pointed out to me that he doesn't think I'm ready to move out of home/am not really able to live on my own. He doesn't want my "dependance" on my parents to transfer straight to him when we get married. I totally understand that. And while I may not be very good at it, but I probably could move out of home. The only reason I don't is because I save so much more money by living at home.
Again, to everyone, thank you for your advice and comments. It's really given me a lot to think about and use to grow myself a little more. I guess I can wait a couple more years.
_____________________________
~Joshua 1:9
I now have a blog: here
Come and join our new Christian RP forum!
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RE: When to get married - 5/18/2008 11:57:11 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2546
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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Wow, Amy, that is such a mature response. It wasn't the result I was hoping for, but I can see where he's coming from. This maturity you have displayed will no doubt help you when you do marry.
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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