Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (Full Version)

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ScarletFury -> Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/14/2008 10:43:27 AM)

Toss A Topic is a fun writing exercise for all the writers here-if you have time to participate, it'll be fun! I promise that you’ll pick up a little something-such as weekly writing practice, meeting a deadline (the topic cutoff), writing within a word count and writing on topic. Great skills for any writer!

Once a week, a topic will be posted. Write between 100 – 500 words about whatever it brings to mind. Think about what happened to you this week, or dig into your cache of memories.

Entries that are too short/too long will not be reviewed![:(]

Only ONE entry per writer. Previous winners can still participate.


You may write a short fictional piece, a memoir, a poem, or a song as long as it relates to the current topic.

At the end of the week, a poll will be posted and members can vote for the one they liked best.

It might not be the 'best'; grammar, spelling, or formatting, etc. … but the thought that appeals to you, something that makes you laugh, or touches your heart, that's a keeper! [:D]

Please be fair and do not pick your own entry! [8D] Be honest and look for the story behind the words. Making the entries anonymous would be possible, but a lot harder right now. It may be considered later if necessary.

The winner of the poll has the privilege of “tossing” the next topic.
They may choose a noun, a verb, or an adjective. (e.g. – music, driving, laundry, etc.)

If the winner doesn't choose a topic by the end of Monday, I will choose one Tuesday morning, to keep this going. [:)]

PLEASE READ:
Be sure to check the topic clarification before beginning your piece, so you know whether you are on topic.
Read the Timetable-so you know the deadline.
Don’t forget to assign a title to your piece.
Do NOT edit your piece after posting-this is unfair to the other participants. Unless there is something (e.g. missing title) or you wish to add an Author’s note, (word limit for author’s note is 100 words-but may be counted as part of a whole if your entry is under the word count). Think of it as a contest where your entry was submitted and cannot be changed. [;)]

Timetable (I'm working on this time table to expand it to a full week for each topic, so only pay attention to the current deadline, May 20th for now.)


Topic
Searching

Topic ends on Tuesday, May 20th.

Clarification: Must clearly illustrate searching for something. You must use the word "searching" at least once.

For now, I shall read every qualifying entry and leave a bit of feedback on them. My reviews follow in the format of MY NOTES, RED INK, and MY IMPRESSION. Notes correspond to formatting or title issues, Red Ink covers basic editing-without altering the entry content!-and Impression is simply what I thought of your entry, overall.[:)]



hvt -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/15/2008 8:53:19 PM)

Ephraim

I was heard by the Lord,
While searching in the wilderness.
It was His hand of chastening
That smote me… leveling me in tenderness!
Though an untrained calf…He brought me back
By way of repentance and humiliation;
And if I must bear the reproach of my youth,
I will have as consolation
His Word saying, “Is Ephraim My dear son?
Is he a delightful child to Me?
Indeed he is, though against him I have spoken!
Yet…in mercy he will be free.
For My heart yearns for you, O Ephraim.
In My chamber have I wept for you.
Yea, through mercy you will surely be released…
To show mercy to My chosen few!”



Novalist -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/18/2008 7:03:41 PM)

Daunting Decision




Grass tickled the sensitive skin between her toes as she entered the clearing, the hard dirt underneath cooling off the sensitive bottoms of her feet. The trees closed around her blocking out the rest of the farm and she let her breath out in relief as she allowed her weary body to sink to the ground.

Her brown skirt floated in the wake of her movement like a cloud covering the sun, pooling across her calves and pushing softly against the ground. She played with the drab material, her work hardened fingers needing something to do, and let all the emotions that had built up inside of her voice themselves.

Tears glimmered in her eyes and hopelessness wound its way around her heart. They didn't understand, not her parents, not her brothers, not even her best friend and especially not him. She couldn't tie herself down like a heifer for branding when she knew in her heart that she was still searching for….something. Ever since that dreadful proposal by him she had been gyrating between shock and depression and hopelessness.

Her soul longed for so much more than he could offer, Ed was nice but he didn't make her pulse surge or her heart sing for joy when he smiled at her. He didn't affect her more than the wide open star strewn skies on blustery nights or excite her more than the wild wolves she could hear howling every winter when the full moon made the snow turn ethereal. But most importantly he couldn't catch her attention like the urges to run out into the wild and never be seen again which tugged at her heartstrings did.

A rustle caused her to turn and she caught sight of a familiar male shape as it stepped out into her secluded glen, her heart plummeted and her throat ached as she looked at him hopelessly. Ed just returned her gaze and shoved his hands into his pockets self-consciously his mild blue eyes more intense than she had ever seen and his posture hunched as if he were uncomfortable. "You rushed out here so fast I didn't get the chance to tell you the news" he stated mildly and she felt curiosity buoy her spirits upward a little as she replied "what news?"

He scuffed the toe of his work boot into the ground as he sighed and then looked up at the sky "I'm not staying here, I'm leaving, going west out into the unclaimed territories. I don't want to run a farm I want to be a settler, there is a part of me that feels drawn to the wild and the unknown and I can't ignore it any longer. Your father said that you've always had your heart set on farming so I figured to ask you if you still wanted to marry me?"

Her heart flipped over at his words and sudden excitement suffused her entire being shining from her eyes as she replied "I still do."



Ganheim -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/19/2008 1:17:04 AM)

Life of the Silver Tear:
Informant

For what seemed the tenth time, Shugojin thrust himself into the main storage compartment of his backpack, the half-dwarf momentarily looking like he was going to disappear into the clothspace. A few paces away, his elfling friend snickers at him and jokes, “You’re out of sticky notepads of death, aren’t you?”

The dwarfling still shuffling through his pack, growls in response, “They’re called ofuda.” The sound deadened by the heavy wool-like material.

Reiko merely giggles, appearing even more like a pre-teen than she normally seems. “Not much of a cleric if you keep running out of those things, huh?”

“That’s Paladin, and at least I tried while we were at the Paladin Academy,” snaps his muffled voice as he pulls himself back out of the pack.

Reiko crosses her arms and sticks her nose in the air, succeeding in looking childishly pouty. “The most boring three years of my life, and it’s not like they really prepared us for hunting rayku,” responds the girl. “Giniro’s probably better prepared for it than us, and he’s never even set foot in the holy grounds.”

Shugojin tries not to look cross as he starts replacing the vials, tomes, and other things he drew while searching his pack. She’s just bored and immature, she’s not intentionally trying to start a fight. “Well, you weren’t really paying attention back then. Either way, we really weren’t planning on hunting those monsters then, were we?”

The elfling crosses her arms, her gaze dropping silently to the ground by her feet. She had just been trying to strike up a conversation to pass the time, but now things are aiming at targets just a little more personal than she’d rather discuss in front of the others. He knows damn well I went to the Academy because I’m afraid of what happened to mother...of her selling her soul. Reiko uncrosses her arms, then recrosses them and throws out a little more seriously, “It’s not like we’ve found any, either way. Even with your ability to feel the Black Wind and Kokeyera saying she’s a seer.”

Rather unexpectedly, Giniro comes to the healer’s defense. From his spot watching the spit over the cooking fire, the mismatched troop’s tracker states, “We’ve run across a few signs of rayku, but they’ve all fled before we could get there. Somehow, they’re finding out about us long before we’re identifying them. Unfortunately, there aren’t exactly many monster hunters that we could go to for help.”

Shugojin pauses, one hand inside the pack and another reaching for a vial of blessed water. “Actually, there may be someone – or a couple people – we could ask. Faneer hunters. They’re retired now, but they might be willing to help us get on our way.”



ScarletFury -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/20/2008 1:41:34 PM)

HVT'S REVIEW

Thanks for your entry to the Toss A Topic Writing Challenge-SEARCHING!

Sorry I’ve gotten so behind in this-life has been incredibly busy this week. Anyway, here you go!

MY NOTES: Don’t forget to add your copyright-it helps to protect your work!
The review should follow in the exact order of sentences as I read it.

You'll find your review below in RED INK:
and MY IMPRESSION: . Please take my words with a grain of salt. Use what you can and chuck the rest! [:D]

RED INK: (this red ink may cover minor grammar/punctuation.
)

You are definitely improving!
The opening lines are great and I liked your reference to searching in the wilderness.

This is great freestyle poetry. This lines “I will have as consolation ”

Read a little awkwardly. It could be the flow, because the line before it is long, and so is the one after it. I understand the idea-it’s pretty clear, but perhaps there is a word you can add to even out the length/rhythm?


Next: “Indeed he is, though against him I have spoken!”

It would read smoother if you simply said it as is: “Indeed He is, though I have spoken against Him”

Also note your capitalization, I notice that you capitalize “He” “Him” earlier, then later, it drops back to lowercase letters. Then you have “MY” capitalized and I’m wondering if the POV has changed from the character to the Lord, or vice versa. Try to be consistent with that, so there is never any question of who’s who. ^_^


MY IMPRESSION: Very well done! (And definitely on topic!) I liked the raw emotion in here, it read like a psalm. My favorite lines were the last two-the note of hope is wonderful! Great job!



ScarletFury -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/20/2008 2:44:05 PM)

NOVALIST'S REVIEW

Thanks for your entry to the Toss A Topic Writing Challenge-SEARCHING!

Sorry I’ve gotten so behind in this-life has been incredibly busy this week. Anyway, here you go!

MY NOTES: Don’t forget to add your copyright-it helps to protect your work! The review should follow in the exact order of sentences as I read it.

You'll find your review below in RED INK:
and MY IMPRESSION: . Please take my words with a grain of salt. Use what you can and chuck the rest! [:D]

RED INK: (this red ink may cover minor grammar/punctuation.)

1st Paragraph: Pretty good opening, again-excellent descriptions! You pull the writer straight in and keep them there. That’s good.
Watch out for being wordy though, in the second line “The trees closed around her blocking out the rest of the farm and she let her breath out in relief as she allowed her weary body to sink to the ground.” You could use ‘breathed’ for her breath of relief, weaving it in there to fit right, and that would omit the little words of “let” “her” and “out” + “in” depending, it’s good to vary the flow with larger words, then smaller, larger, smaller, etc.

2nd paragraph: 2nd line, the first line is good, the second line, you have a lot going on here. First she’s just settled down and she’s playing with her fingers, etc. second you have her thoughts that just need to come out. Separate the actions and add some commas, a few breaks in the lines would help. i.e. : “She played with the drab material, her work hardened fingers needing something to do, and let all the emotions that had built up inside of her voice themselves.”
Comma after “do” change, “and” to “as”, so it will seem more fluid, “…as she let all the emotions…” see?

3rd Paragraph: Last line, watch using “Hopelessness” so close together. Just a moment ago she used it for the same feeling, use a different word here to convey what she’s going through.

4th paragraph: Little bits of grammar here, commas, and reversals would make this really come alive, such as: “He didn't affect her more than the wide open star strewn skies on blustery nights or excite her more than the wild wolves she could hear howling every winter when the full moon made the snow turn ethereal.”

Try for something more like: “He didn’t affect her more than the wide open, star-strewn skies on blustery nights. Or excite her as the wild wolves she heard howling every winter” All I’ve done is group it together, add some commas, a dash and added “as”. The descriptions are great, but try to put as much feeling into the words as you do with the surroundings.

5th Paragraph: 2nd line, omit the “just” from the line with Ed, it slows down the climax a bit.
“he stated mildly and she felt curiosity buoy her spirits upward a little as she replied "what news?"
Each speaker needs their own line and tag the dialog to them. So it would read like.
"You rushed out here so fast I didn't get the chance to tell you the news" He stated mildly.
She felt curiosity buoy her spirits upward a little as she replied. "What news?"

That way the reader always knows who is speaking and when. This helps tremendously later on in tagless dialog pieces.

6th paragraph: Very good here, I was hoping for a little something more from Ed though. After all that build-up with the suspense, the despair, etc, I wanted more from him-but good job. I didn’t see anything that jumped out at in me in this line, except to break the sentences up a tad shorter. Men tend to speak in shorter sentences.

7th Paragraph: This is also pretty good, but watch the old clichés of “heart flipping over” and “shining eyes” it’s a tried and true visual, but it’s also used so often it doesn’t carry the same effectiveness when you’ve been using many different words in the beginning.


MY IMPRESSION: This was very good! You wove a lot of suspense into here and we got to know this nameless MC as if they were a friend. You did good with the atmosphere and especially with your opening! Great job! ^_^



ScarletFury -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/20/2008 4:32:27 PM)

GANHEIM'S REVIEW

Thanks for your entry to the Toss A Topic Writing Challenge-SEARCHING!

First off, welcome! I’ve been behind this week, but I’ve finally got a few mintues. You’ll find your review below in the appropriate sections.

MY NOTES: Don’t forget to add your copyright-it helps to protect your work! The review should follow in the exact order of sentences as I read it.

You'll find your review below in RED INK:
and MY IMPRESSION: . Please take my words with a grain of salt. Use what you can and chuck the rest! [:D]

RED INK: (this red ink may cover minor grammar/punctuation.)

1st Paragraph: A good opening-it appears this is set in present tense, correct?

2nd paragraph: Okay, but the present tense is still a bit iffy, past tense usually works best for short stories.

3rd Paragraph: Reiko is the one speaking right? In the very beginning of a short story, it’s all right to use a few dialogue tags if you want, to help clarify first. It’s all right how it is though.

4th paragraph: Awkward line “snaps his muffled voice as he pulls himself back out of the pack.” Is his voice snapping, or him? ^_^

5th Paragraph: “rayku,” responds the girl.” If you’ve already assigned the character a name, it’s best to use it, so the reader doesn’t get confused with who’s who. In longer stories, when switching POV’s you can refer to them like that-you don’t have to, but generally, it’s better understood that way.

6th paragraph: “Shugojin tries not to look cross” How do you try not to look cross? Do you bite your lip, cross your toes, etc. Showing little details like that, make your character more real. Good job with putting the thoughts in italics.

“Well, you weren’t really paying attention back then. Either way, we really weren’t planning on hunting those monsters then, were we?”
Does Shugojin usually use “really” so often? It’s used twice in the same line of dialog, generally when speaking, we don’t use words like that as often as we think we do.

7th Paragraph: “The elfling crosses her arms,” This is Reiko, right? You’ve already mentioned that she was an efling earlier, no need to repeat it, or the reader tends to skim over parts that could carry hints of emotion, like her crossing her arms.

“He knows damn well I went to the Academy because I’m afraid of what happened to mother...of her selling her soul.”
If she’s an elf, I was expecting something more creative than “damn”. Isn’t there a particular phrase or something that would add some culture to this?

8th Paragraph: “Rather unexpectedly, Giniro comes to the healer’s defense” Unexpected is right-where did he come from? There isn’t too much setting here, so I was left wondering where Giniro came from and how he got there. The next few lines explained some, but it would be better to insert a few clues earlier on if setting/atmosphere details would bog the story down.

9th Paragraph: “Shugojin pauses, one hand inside the pack and another reaching for a vial of blessed water.” This made me double-check for a moment, I know it’s physically possible to reach for two things at the same time, but it simply struck me as awkward. It could fit his character though, I just wanted to point it out.


MY IMPRESSION: Creative! Very, very creative! I love the fantasy element that is present, and I enjoyed the easy way it began. The storyline is interesting and I am curious as to what will happen next with them. I liked how you fit the topic with Shugojin searching for something-well done!



ScarletFury -> RE: Toss A Topic-Writing Challenge #8 (5/20/2008 4:38:30 PM)

This topic is now closed.

The new topic will be posted on Friday, May 23rd. Voting is open until Thursday the 22nd. Thank you for your participation.

Please see thread marked poll for Toss a topic "Searching" and cast your vote for the winning entry.[:)]



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