Marriage Counseling appropriate? (Full Version)

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isaiah6524 -> Marriage Counseling appropriate? (5/16/2008 4:16:55 PM)

I have been married for 8 years. Shortly before we were married, my husband became a Christian. It seemed authentic at the time. About 2-3 years later, he slowly started drifting in his faith, having doubts, sliding back into previous behaviors. I've never known him not to drink a little, but at the time he seemed to have a pretty good handle on things and was more of a social drinker.

I was probably naive and/or immature about my expectations, but I was surprised when he didn't "settle down" when we got married. Anyway, I came to realize he was an alcoholic and I was his perfect mate, having grown up in a "secretly" alcoholic home. I say secretly because we never saw my parent drink, but it was true. (I was offered to go to Ala-Teen at one time and didn't see the point because I thought we were normal!) I grew up learning just how to be the perfect enabler/co-dependent spouse.

I realized last week that my husband just tells me what he thinks I want to hear. Even after it has been proven that he's lying, he continues insisting he's right! I'm so mad at myself for being blind to this for SO LONG! And I've also realized his "conversion" may even have been fake. I never pressured, or even asked him to consider it, but he's no idiot! While we were meeting with our pastor about our plans for our wedding, he accepted Jesus as his Saviour. I was so thrilled! Now I realize this was likely just pretend for him, and feel so stupid.

I've been asking him to come to marriage counseling with me for a year and a half. I finally said I wasn't going to start a family with him until we worked with a counselor through some of the issues we're having.

He started asking me to find a counselor, and I finally got a good referral from MY counselor (I've been seeking my own counseling for a year, and have been going to Al-Anon all this time too.)

I gave him the contact information for the marriage counselor two months ago and he hasn't called. He is very insistent that we start a family, but even that consequence hasn't been enough to motivate him to participate.

Now, realizing that he just tells people what he thinks they want to hear, is it even worth engaging in counseling?



SavedToo -> RE: Marriage Counseling appropriate? (5/16/2008 6:26:16 PM)

A counselor can not force anyone to change and can't be there 24x7 to make sure he does what he recommends or suggests. If your counselor is not a leader(i.e. not sappy), it will not be worth your time.

Have you watched Gary Smalley's Keys to a loving relationship video series? If not, I would with your husband.

Does your husband go to church?



evryknee -> RE: Marriage Counseling appropriate? (5/17/2008 9:00:54 AM)

quote:

A counselor can not force anyone to change and can't be there 24x7 to make sure he does what he recommends or suggests. If your counselor is not a leader(i.e. not sappy), it will not be worth your time.


I mostly agree there - a counselor cannot change him, but the Wonderful Counselor can. A counselor may help him see into his wounds of life, point out that he is lying, etc. etc. But it is up to your husband to humble himself and be repentant, and the HS can move him to do that. So, more hope should be placed in the HS to work in his heart, and less expectation on a counselor - That does not mean that counseling will be ineffective, but He can use a counselor to show your hubby a few things that might awaken his spirit.



isaiah6524 -> RE: Marriage Counseling appropriate? (5/19/2008 4:31:36 PM)

Thanks for the input so far.

No, he doesn't go to church with me now, and I don't ask him to anymore either.

I think right now I have to be responsible for my own self taking the counseling seriously and leave it up to him to be responsible for how seriously he takes it. It's worth a shot, and seems better than any of the alternatives.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Marriage Counseling appropriate? (5/23/2008 11:45:09 PM)

The only person who can make the actual change is your husband. But it could take someone else seeing that he is making mistakes, for him to wake up and pay attention. I recommend biblical counseling. God is the ultimate counselor, yes, but it doesn't hurt to have someone else show you practical ways to make the change. You are doing a good thing by going to counseling alone. If he sees you wanting and needing a change, it could cause him to desire it as well. Above all else, PRAY!!! You probably already do that anyway but it can and will change things.



isaiah6524 -> RE: Marriage Counseling appropriate? (5/28/2008 7:16:23 PM)

Am I overreacting?
We spoke at length a week and a half ago about some of the issues in our marriage...priorities, emotional absenteeism, the alcoholism (he brought that one up actually!). And yet he still stays out late with the guys, spent Saturday night at his cousin's because he wasn't fit to drive, and again tonight is out.
I feel like locking him out of the bedroom when he comes home, saying "if you can't make it home at a decent hour, you can sleep on the couch." Or even going to a friend's house for the night (myself).
But then I wonder if I'm overreacting. I do tend to be impulsive when I'm pushed too far. And I didn't really think much of it (because it's so normal for us!) until I was sharing with a friend and she was astounded at his behavior.
So I guess my question is: what is overreacting and what is a healthy boundary?



isaiah6524 -> RE: Marriage Counseling appropriate? (5/28/2008 7:18:49 PM)

As for the counseling, I don't expect the counselor to change him, I don't believe I can change him, I just hope it's not a waste of time. (Which was my concern in the first place)
I have made an appointment, he has agreed to go, and we'll see what happens...



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