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RE: What I have done. - 6/5/2008 4:18:11 PM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 50
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline
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HUGS lightshineon!!
I have a quesiton for you. Can you tell us about your relationship with your mother?
As you all know, I have posted a couple of threads about my own mother and how terrible our relationship is. I don't have any children yet and I am literally scared to death to have kids. I scared to death that I won't know how to bond with them and make sure they have the self esteem they need to make it in this world today.
My self esteem was terrible as a child and even now at the age of 29, I still struggle. I started a terrible habit with being bulimic in the 7th grade and it was all a result of the things that were (or lackthereof) going on at home.
When I picture having a daughter in the future, I picture myself making sure there is not a day that goes by that I literally tell her how beautiful she is DAILY. DAILY. DAILY. And I picture marryng a MAN who will be the first MAN in my daughters life to tell her how beautiful she is and what she's worth. It's not just the mother's job to do this. And I picture exposing my children to people and activities that will help build their esteem as well. I picture giving my daughter the communication that I so desperatley needed from my mother. There won't be any topic that will be off limits. (I will monitor the information that I give depending on her age and what stage she is at in life)
Is this a realistic vision? Or am I being naive do to lack of experience?
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RE: What I have done. - 6/5/2008 6:23:06 PM
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Nia621
Posts: 1
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline
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I have two pieces of advice:
1. Check out the book (with your daughters) Captivating by Staci and John Elderidge. I think that may help in giving SOME insight into where the self esteem issue comes from and where we as women need to go in terms of embracing who we are as women created by God.
2. i know as i began reading God's word and trying to affirm the things that He said, I had a hard time accepting them. Yes God says, I'm beautiful, but it doesn't feel like it or I don't feel it. Then one day, I thought to myself, "What if..."
What if I am beautiful, what am I going to do now?... And then I said, well I'd do my hair like this and I'd dress up like this and I'd walk like this. etc.
And God whispered to me, "Try it, just for me, Try it"
Literally that's what took place in every area.
I didn't think I was talented enough to be recognized for a position. I read God's Scripture, "when you are weak, I am made strong". I thought to myself, "What if that Scripture applied to me, what would I do?" I'd apply for the position. I did... and yep you guessed, I got it, but even better, since then I've been honored with several recognition for outstanding work... Yeah, I wasn't talented enough... but the God in me is.
I might not beautiful enough, but the God in me is.
I might not be skinny, but the God in me is sexy and He and I are working out together!
I agree with so many of the threads posted. I have a daughter and I don't want her to grow up dealing with self esteem issues like I had. Her father and I are no longer together, however, I am grateful that when we were, we discussed my self esteem issues and he vowed to love our daughter and validate her beaty until she grew to understand that her true beauty comes from within and is validated by God. (you've got to read "Captivating") Praise God, because he has kept to his word on doing that and she is very self confident...as most little girls are until they reach their teens (read Captivating)
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RE: What I have done. - 6/6/2008 10:32:50 AM
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elastic
Posts: 2456
Joined: 4/15/2005
From: NYC
Status: online
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the more i think about this thread, the more i think about how dangerous it is to go the opposite way with our daughters and constantly tell them how beautiful they are. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and when that daughter meets the first guy that she's interested in and he doesn't think that she is beautiful...well..it could cause just as much damage.
i think instead of reassuring my daughters with daily platitudes and telling them how beautiful they are, I will tell them that they are other things also..strong, smart, hard working, diligent and if i tell them they are beautiful, it will be in addition to all of those other things. but i will also tell them that beauty isn't the only thing that is important, and that what one person finds beautiful, another person might not...and they shouldn't value themselves any less if they don't fit someone else's standard of beauty.
in our society, a woman isn't worth much if she isn't beautiful.
I'm reminded of some lyrics to a song :
quote:
As long as you're a man,
You're what the world will make of you.
Whereas if you're a woman,
You're only what it sees.
A woman is a flower whose purpose is to please.
Beauty is power
i'd like to say that this doesn't happen now, but it does. i'd like to change such notions in my own children. Beauty is nice to have, but it's not everything. not everyone is beautiful and we can't tie our self worth to it. (or at least we shouldn't)
you are worth something because you are made in God's image....just read all of Manda's verses on page one...there is verse after verse after verse of who we are in Christ. That's all we really need to know. Unfortunately, we don't always believe this. we believe that if we can fit into designer clothes we would be special...if we could have the latest hairstyle, if we were more popular...whatever it is.
it's a sad state we are in, and I can only hope to stop the madness with my own children. lightshineon, it's really not too late to change. just make the decision and do it.
_____________________________
Whoever said "Nothing is Impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.
 I Stand with Israel!
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RE: What I have done. - 6/6/2008 1:12:42 PM
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Striving2BVirtuous
Posts: 50
Joined: 3/15/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: elastic
the more i think about this thread, the more i think about how dangerous it is to go the opposite way with our daughters and constantly tell them how beautiful they are. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and when that daughter meets the first guy that she's interested in and he doesn't think that she is beautiful...well..it could cause just as much damage.
i think instead of reassuring my daughters with daily platitudes and telling them how beautiful they are, I will tell them that they are other things also..strong, smart, hard working, diligent and if i tell them they are beautiful, it will be in addition to all of those other things. but i will also tell them that beauty isn't the only thing that is important, and that what one person finds beautiful, another person might not...and they shouldn't value themselves any less if they don't fit someone else's standard of beauty.
in our society, a woman isn't worth much if she isn't beautiful.
I'm reminded of some lyrics to a song :
quote:
As long as you're a man,
You're what the world will make of you.
Whereas if you're a woman,
You're only what it sees.
A woman is a flower whose purpose is to please.
Beauty is power
i'd like to say that this doesn't happen now, but it does. i'd like to change such notions in my own children. Beauty is nice to have, but it's not everything. not everyone is beautiful and we can't tie our self worth to it. (or at least we shouldn't)
you are worth something because you are made in God's image....just read all of Manda's verses on page one...there is verse after verse after verse of who we are in Christ. That's all we really need to know. Unfortunately, we don't always believe this. we believe that if we can fit into designer clothes we would be special...if we could have the latest hairstyle, if we were more popular...whatever it is.
it's a sad state we are in, and I can only hope to stop the madness with my own children. lightshineon, it's really not too late to change. just make the decision and do it.
Well of course we are not talking about beauty in the physical sense.
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RE: What I have done. - 6/9/2008 8:44:28 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
Posts: 897
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline
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I am not in parenting much so I missed this one. ((((((((((hugs)))))))) I am sorry you feel this way and I will pray that God will show you what you look like to him.
Teenage girls usually go through this am I pretty phase. My mom mentioned to me that she did but her parents told her she was ugly.  My mom had lots of counseling to do the best job she could with me. She still had major errors but she always told me how pretty and precious I was to her. I hope God whispers to you as you fall asleep how precious you are.
quote:
ORIGINAL: lightshineon
I am typing this late at night, with a very heavy spirit, just so depressed, that I wish I could just sleep ( not die) but just sleep and not wake up tommorow. I have such a low self worth, and have passed on to my three beautiful girls. I hate what I have done to them, without really realizing it. I do not like anything about myself, I can never be smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, or perfect enough, my house clean enough.
When my eldest daughter was a baby, I had a friend that said "you will pass your low self-esteem to your daughter." I did not pay much attention to that, because the way DD was doted on by me and grandparents. It did effect all three of them, and I am so sorry for that. My youngest is always saying " mom am I pretty, mom am I skinny?" All of them the girls do this, as they have heard me put myself down, year after year, day after day. I am my own worst critic. I depise what I have done, and wish I could turn the clock back, but I cannot. I try and not say negative things about myself, infront of them, it is such a stronghold, I believe many of us women are bound with. I was just reading the marriage folder where women, excuse bad behavior by husbands because of the things I am writing about. This is deep for me to share, I always smile, and act like things are wonderful. Sometimes the smile is real, I truly love others, and build them up, because I want to, many have had it much worse than I have.
My main reason for sharing this deep depresion of mine,is to encourage people, that they are not alone, and I know God can and will restore our souls, that is my hope. I also want to encourage women not to put themselves down in front of their daughters, it becomes their childrens stronghold also. I have done a very bad thing to my daughters, without meaning to. I am asking the Lords help, for them, and for myself, and others. I also want to know if anyone has done this mistake, and if anyone has a overcomer story. Thanks for listening.
_____________________________
<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: What I have done. - 6/11/2008 8:32:51 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Well I can relate to your feelings. All my life I've felt less than. Finially one day I realized that I was sick of thinking and agonizing about MEMEMEMEMEMEMEM. I was just sick of it. Then I realized how easy it is to be so self absorbed and self obessed. Isn't Satan sneaky? God has helped me get my mind off of me and thinking about him and other peoples needs. I think Satan loves to tie us up in knots so that we will be ineffective. God created me and he loves me and I'm beautiful to him. I don't have anyone in my life who tells me I'm pretty or even that I look nice and I think God made it that way so I have depend on him for my self worth. When I think that I'm precious enough that he died for me, well what could be better than that?
I feel so bad for you because it is a struggle and I know God will help you break free of all of this.
God bless you
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RE: What I have done. - 6/12/2008 7:49:18 PM
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imit8him
Posts: 235
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lightshineon
I am typing this late at night, with a very heavy spirit, just so depressed, that I wish I could just sleep ( not die) but just sleep and not wake up tommorow. I have such a low self worth, and have passed on to my three beautiful girls. I hate what I have done to them, without really realizing it. I do not like anything about myself, I can never be smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, or perfect enough, my house clean enough.
When my eldest daughter was a baby, I had a friend that said "you will pass your low self-esteem to your daughter." I did not pay much attention to that, because the way DD was doted on by me and grandparents. It did effect all three of them, and I am so sorry for that. My youngest is always saying " mom am I pretty, mom am I skinny?" All of them the girls do this, as they have heard me put myself down, year after year, day after day. I am my own worst critic. I depise what I have done, and wish I could turn the clock back, but I cannot. I try and not say negative things about myself, infront of them, it is such a stronghold, I believe many of us women are bound with. I was just reading the marriage folder where women, excuse bad behavior by husbands because of the things I am writing about. This is deep for me to share, I always smile, and act like things are wonderful. Sometimes the smile is real, I truly love others, and build them up, because I want to, many have had it much worse than I have.
My main reason for sharing this deep depresion of mine,is to encourage people, that they are not alone, and I know God can and will restore our souls, that is my hope. I also want to encourage women not to put themselves down in front of their daughters, it becomes their childrens stronghold also. I have done a very bad thing to my daughters, without meaning to. I am asking the Lords help, for them, and for myself, and others. I also want to know if anyone has done this mistake, and if anyone has a overcomer story. Thanks for listening.
Hey light, 
I very much empathize with you and just wanted to say that God does care and love you very much! And remember He made you perfectly just the way He wanted. That means no matter how we feel or what society thinks that we can always know we are loved and worth enough for God to make.
Now I'm not sure I have any specific answers for you, but I too have had a similar sentiment of low self worth growing up and have allowed it to negatively affect my life as well. I could definitely feel your pain as you described your experiences and just wanted to offer my words of support.
I don't know if it helps to hear about other's experiences, but for me the low self-worth manifested itself in different ways and led me to respond differently than you. I think sometimes it can create two possible extremes. One is to kind of go into a shell and become very reserved, while the other is to try to overachieve and become competitive to try to "earn" or "win" others love and respect, etc. It sounds like you may fall into that first category, whereas I fell into the second. I still feel I have this inner voice in me that always tells me I'm not good enough in life and I greatly dislike how it influences my thoughts. ......I've always significantly overacheived in life as a result of this (did very well in sports and academics), but have also suffered from the consequences of it. I've neglected friends and family (to be competitive) and have been overly harsh and critical of others, because I myself do not always have good self-esteem. I tend to see others flaws very easily, yet try to cover up my own and have tried to focus upon perfectionism in life, as opposed to loving others and experiencing that love myself. There's always times when I feel I need to do more, more, and more, rather than just be....and to enjoy life and love others. That's how a low self-worth affected/affects me.
I do know that it is something we have to work on and possibly seek help for if it is very severe. And along those lines, I've found that the only permanent medicine has been a relationship with Christ. Only God knows the type of abuse (and accompanying hurt) I experienced growing up and only He has the right image of me and the perfect love to cast out all doubts and fears. I know it is very hard and I can tell you feel terrible about allowing your struggles with self-worth to impact your children negatively, but as much damage as it may have done, I do know that God is more than enough to heal those wounds and bring you back to a place of love and wholeness more than anything or anyone else can. 
Please be encouraged and know that you also are not alone. Everyone here too is part of your Christian family and supports you.
I thought you might also like this too:
http://fathersloveletter.com/flltextenglish.html
Jesus loves you. 
-Imit 
< Message edited by imit8him -- 6/12/2008 7:58:26 PM >
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RE: What I have done. - 6/12/2008 10:17:05 PM
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frances67
Posts: 83
Joined: 10/17/2006
Status: offline
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To Lightshineon: You can not change yesterday so please don't waste anymore time on worrying about it. You can only change things from this moment on and it sounds like you are getting on the right path to do so. I will be praying for you and your family.
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