my sons break up and his girlfriend (Full Version)

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Leslie_JnJs_mom -> my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 10:16:04 AM)

Well we were on our way to Springfield the other day when Jack drops the bombshell that him and his longtime girlfriend broke up. I kinda knew that this was coming since she is a couple hours away and she is the type to always want to know what he is doing. I could tell by the irritated tone to his voice that he was taking with her a lot that he was nearing the end.
So after Jack got done smiling at my shocked expression I asked him why. He basically is tired of her getting mad if he talks to anyone but her so one night he had enough.
I reminded him of our rule that once you break up with someone you cannot go out with anyone until we say it is OK. That is just our protection measure for him. I also told him that even though I thought she was a sweet girl I really did not like her family. A lot of them party and get thrown in jail for drug possession. To make it worse is her mom is a big time enabler. She pays all their bills and even buys these grown kids of her homes and cars. No matter how many times they tear them up. I did not know any of this when they first went out but really only in the last couple months really found out a lot.
So I am just waiting for her to give us her address so we can mail back the sim card they lent my son so they did not have a super high cell bill every month thinking this is all over with. I get an email from his girlfriend telling me how Jack told her that I did not like her family so I will not let him go back out with her. How she really hopes I am not mad at her. She also told me how horrible she was feeling and misses Jack so much. So I wrote her back saying it was just a rule we had and I was not mad at her. On one hand I was ready to skin my son but on the other I know what he did. She has been begging to go back out and he does not want to. He got tired of saying no so he said it did not matter since my mom will not let me. I really just wish he would not have made her feel worse by saying my mom does not like your family.[:@] It is not even that he wants to go out with some other girl he just wants to be free of having a girlfriend is all.
So now I am scared of my email inbox. I am not sure if this girl is checking to see if he really cannot go back out or is going to resort to begging. Either way I am rather resentful that somehow I got dragged into this.



deermousie -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 11:09:03 AM)

It sounds to me like your son broke off an unhealthy relationship to a gal from a family that has huge red flags waving all over it. That doesn't mean she's a wreck, but it's more likely than a gal from a family that is healthier in lifestyle. Her behavior now is troubling; she's not handling this well. It screams: "I WANT!" not "How does God want me to live my life and what is His provision for me and how can I fit into it?"

Personally, I'd breathe a little easier, as I wouldn't want to see a kid of mine eventually marry into a family that would burden a new marriage with extra drama bombs. I like your rule, as it gives your son some protection. I don't like it that the girl is agitating against your family rule - it's not her family and not her say. I get the impression you fear she's going to stalk him now - another red flag.

You might want to do some homework on this, and get your son to read up on courtship. I think it adds protection of the older, wiser parents to the young people - which you are already doing: the idea is the young people don't start getting involved with each other except that they think this is a potential marriage partner, and it cuts out the culture of dating that is a hang-loose approach to guys and gals being in a relationship that is a great temptation for sexual sin (look how TV and movies promote that) and training for divorce (getting emotionally involved then break up, repeat). So you wind up with young people just getting on with their lives, getting education and careers and spiritual maturity, waiting for God's "chosen one" for them and ready to marry when they show up.

God bless you guys. I'm praying for you all today.



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 11:51:31 AM)

Thanks, I did breathe a sigh of relief when he told me that he broke up with her. She was way to possessive of his time. Jack told me several times that she could not help what her family did but I also know that several of her brothers and uncles were in this lifestyle so it made it all the more likely she would follow suit. I am glad it is over and I did tell my son that he cannot date her again.
As far as stalking goes she cannot do much more then email stalking since she is several hours away. Her parents will not drive her all the way out here just to be a pain especially with these gas prices. But I am so thankful that they are that far apart because if they were not I do think there would be a problem.



manda59 -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 12:01:15 PM)

Am I remembering correctly? Is your son 15, and his (now ex) gf lives in another State - and you were asking a while back for opinions as to whether or not it was a good idea for him to go and stay at her place?



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 12:26:25 PM)

No she is not in another state but she is in the next city over.



Brandy -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 8:59:34 PM)

Here's my problem... you talked poorly about her family and are shocked he relayed that info..

If you don't want your words used against you, don't say them. I personally think it's a poor example to tell your son:

quote:

I also told him that even though I thought she was a sweet girl I really did not like her family. A lot of them party and get thrown in jail for drug possession. To make it worse is her mom is a big time enabler. She pays all their bills and even buys these grown kids of her homes and cars. No matter how many times they tear them up.


He's young and immature enough to repeat that to her, it takes the pressure off of him to stand up to her, it makes you the bad guy. Which you may be fine with but sounds like you aren't.

You could have easily said you were sorry they broke up but here's the rule and let's hope the next relationship ends differently. end of story.

Hopefully he will make better choices in girlfriends in the future. Hopefully, even if he doesn't, you won't say things that can and could be used against you later [&:]



Kat_D -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 9:33:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

Am I remembering correctly? Is your son 15, and his (now ex) gf lives in another State - and you were asking a while back for opinions as to whether or not it was a good idea for him to go and stay at her place?

[sm=aside.gif]

Maybe I'm alone here, but I don't think a 15 year-old has any business dating anyone. 15 is far too young to date. Going out in groups would be acceptable but "alone" dating or going steady?...no way!! Just by what has happened in his break up with this particular girl proves that he is too immature to handle it.



buckifn -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/4/2008 9:50:03 PM)

quote:

that him and his longtime girlfriend broke up.


Just how long is a "longtime" for a 15 yr. old kid to be dating? I can't imagine allowing a 15 yr. old to even begin thinking he/she is ready for a serious one on one relationship.

You mentioned she is too young to drive, so that prob means she is young enough that if your son had a sexual relationship with her he could possibly be charged with rape.

I hope you realize just how much he is playing with fire and so are you if you are in any form or fashion sanctioning such a relationship.



manda59 -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/5/2008 7:46:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D
quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59
Am I remembering correctly? Is your son 15, and his (now ex) gf lives in another State - and you were asking a while back for opinions as to whether or not it was a good idea for him to go and stay at her place?

[sm=aside.gif]
Maybe I'm alone here, but I don't think a 15 year-old has any business dating anyone. 15 is far too young to date. Going out in groups would be acceptable but "alone" dating or going steady?...no way!! Just by what has happened in his break up with this particular girl proves that he is too immature to handle it.





I agree, and said so the last time the OP raised the topic of this girlfriend (and in fact when anyone raises the topic of young teens dating).

I don't even necessarily agree that it's acceptable in groups - several of my daughter's friends have lost their virginity to boys who they were seeing when they all went out in a group. All it takes is for two of them to sneak off from the group ......

But apart from the physical temptations, I think dating brings too much emotional pressure on a young teen. They can get too involved emotionally, feel too responsible, get too deeply involved (and then don't take it well when they break up - as appears to be happening with this young girl), start relating to their bf/gf more than their own parents, and it can all get out of whack so easily. Best just to wait till they're older IMO.



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/5/2008 10:16:24 AM)

I never said she was too young to drive. She is older then Jack. She could have her drivers licence but she does not like driving.
It was in the last few months that I started learning of brothers and uncles who were getting thrown in Jail for drugs. One even ran a meth house. It was at that point I no longer took him up there since I did not want him around that. When he pushed to know why I never take him there anymore I told him of my misgivings of the family. At that point I do not see how I could have gotten out of not telling him. Jack told me that she could not help what they did and I understood that but I still did not want him around that. When they broke up I was relieved and told him so. I also told him no more girlfriends. He told me he does not plan on it.
As far as being too young the only thing I can say is every parent has to decide what they will let their kids do at a certain age. I knew parents that were letting their kids date at 10. I thought that was nuts but I also thought it was that parents choice so what right do I have to say anything. I knew I would make Jack wait until he was at least 15. This girl was far enough away that I could have a whole lot of say when they saw each other so I let him. I also go to a very conservate church and all the teens date there.



buckifn -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/5/2008 2:39:38 PM)

quote:

This girl was far enough away that I could have a whole lot of say when they saw each other so I let him.


If you allow it then I just hope you are as willing to accept all consequences that result in such a decision. As a parent you are just as accountable as your child for their wrongdoing at this age under a court of law in many if not all states.

I can't imagine why you would ok a situation with so many opportunities for disaster. There are some states where sex with anyone under the age of 17 is a crime.



deermousie -> RE: my sons break up and his girlfriend (6/5/2008 7:39:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leslie_Jessicas_mom him and his longtime girlfriend broke up.


He's only 15 and he has had a long-time girlfriend?

He's nowhere near old enough to marry, since he's got 2-3 years of high school yet and can't support a wife and himself on an after-school job. It's hard to get any decent job when a person doesn't have a high school diploma, much less a college degree. A guy's drive to reproduce is supposed to peak at 16-18, and a long term dating relationship puts him at considerable risk to act out with a girl who is in his face (figuratively or literally) for months on end.

You have said everyone chooses how to live their lives, and that's true. But there are compelling reasons why young men need all the help they can get keeping their lives pure. I'm glad you told him he couldn't date this girl anymore.



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