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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:15:45 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6023
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nicole6598
Laura I agree we shouldn't keep on about the negative but it just makes me mad when people put his falsity on like they are holier than thou and that is not helpful for anyone. I have had people IRL and on the net do that to me and it doesn't make you feel good at all, like Kat said, makes you feel guilty. That is not what we as Christians should be doing to one another at all.
Rather than automatically assigning negative labels, I've personally found it more helpful/beneficial to try to assume the best about people rather than the worst. Especially on the net where you can't see people's faces, hear their tone of voice, read their body language.
quote:
UGH. I don't know why I have to feel like I need to validate things to other people.
Sorry to be blunt, but the bottom line is that it comes down to approval-seeking. As you grow in yourself and become more self-aware, hopefully you will become more and more able to say to yourself "what other people think of what I do doesn't actually matter!" and maybe also "there is nothing that anyone else can say to me that changes who I am". ROAR!
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I am having a hard time. IT sucks. I am trying my best. I am seeking help for my son. But he is just high needs and in pain. I know I have a few more months of this and that makes me mad, scared, anxious.
I did it for 10 months with my ds, whilst also coping with post-natal depression. I didn't have an older child, but I was as low as I have ever been in my whole life, and I did it without going loopy, and so can you. I didn't have any group to go to either, and my husband worked very long hours.
I would suggest considering a proper, one thing at a time, elimination diet, to see if that helps Nath.
Yes, it would be hard to do, but it might alleviate the very thing which seems to be causing you the biggest problems at the moment.
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:21:55 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3716
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
There is also the option of not allowing anyone to make you feel guilty. Even when we're feeling like a wrung out piece of old lettuce, we still have the choice. We are in control of our minds and don't have to look to other people to define who we are and what we feel.
That's true about letting others make you feel guilty and controlling your mind, but that can be difficult when extreme fatigue hits. It's possible; it's just real dang hard. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as an "aggressive interrogation" technique.
It doesn't matter if someone got pregnant on the very first try or waited 15 years for their baby, no one can walk in your exact shoes, though some are closer then others.
I'm tired today, too. Nathan has developed a fever again, right when I had a play date with a neighbor I've just started to become friends with. Nathan spent most of the day dozing on my chest, so I don't know how much he'll sleep tonight. Though I spent half the day on the couch, I feel tired... Actually, that's not that surprising. Being sedentary will just make you more tired, but less able to sleep.
I don't like MOPS because the local group asks that you leave your child in their daycare while you attend the meeting with other moms. I'm just not comfortable yet leaving him with a stranger.
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:22:31 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 5075
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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quote:
Hmm Ryanne- was that a dig at me in your post up there? You mentioned reflux is all.
There are lots of people who have reflux babies, no need to take everything personally.
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:33:10 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6023
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
That's true about letting others make you feel guilty and controlling your mind, but that can be difficult when extreme fatigue hits. It's possible; it's just real dang hard. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as an "aggressive interrogation" technique.
It doesn't matter if someone got pregnant on the very first try or waited 15 years for their baby, no one can walk in your exact shoes, though some are closer then others.
Perhaps I am just particularly bloody-minded, even when I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, which I was post-partum. I know I had made a whole lot of progress in the area of "growing out of approval-seeking", so that probably helped. Though I was still very fragile - I used to hide behind the couch if anyone knocked at the door, and would even go and shut myself in the loo if the phone rang. I couldn't cope with the thought that anyone needed anything from me at all, even if it was just a few words or brief conversation.
My ds would cry/grizzle most of the day (never slept for longer than 90 minutes per day (and not all in one go either); he'd also be awake several times a night.
What kept me going was that it wouldn't be like this forever, and that it was just a matter of getting through each day one day at a time. I know it's a cliche, but it worked for me. 
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:42:34 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3716
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For me personally, I would simply want the chance to vent, a shoulder to cry on. If someone had been through the exact same situation, I would be open to suggestions on what worked for them. Most of all, it would give me strength to know that I'm not alone.
If someone (not Nicole) had repeated opportunities to make their life better, and was not even trying ... then I could definitely see where that would get old real fast.
But that's just me. Like Manda said, other things would've been more comforting for her.
< Message edited by Sideways -- 6/5/2008 8:54:23 PM >
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:44:08 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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Sorry, Ruth. I will edit my comment if you will edit it in your post for me. It was harsh...
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:44:59 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 2396
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
Then what do you prefer? For someone to climb down into your muddy hole of self pity and commiserate with you?
I wouldn't necessarily prefer that ... but I'd prefer IRL people keeping quiet, rather than using tired cliches ... which would in turn probably result in an IRL backhanding ... as was previously mentioned by another gal. Just hand me a cup of hot tea and give me the chance for 5 minutes of peace and quiet ... time for just me ... then life becomes a bit more manageable.
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Kara
Tea Drinkers Anonymous
<-- Caleb
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:47:05 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 5075
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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quote:
Just hand me a cup of hot tea and give me the chance for 5 minutes of peace and quiet ... time for just me ... then life becomes a bit more manageable.
But we cannot do that online, so it become a bunch of "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's to bad things suck so much, blah blah blah". In our "validating" we are not really helping anything. There truly is a day as a mother(and I have had it already in our 9months) where you just have to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:52:52 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10417
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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quote:
There truly is a day as a mother(and I have had it already in our 9months) where you just have to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.
Nice mental image. 
I wish our computers could transport chocolate. I'm sure that would help.
Bottom line...we all have bad days. Sometimes really rotten, horrible days. Sometimes they come in bunches of bad days too. But when the bad days start to outnumber the good, it's usually time to look at your life and see what needs changing, IMO.
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:54:44 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 2396
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From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
quote:
Just hand me a cup of hot tea and give me the chance for 5 minutes of peace and quiet ... time for just me ... then life becomes a bit more manageable.
But we cannot do that online, so it become a bunch of "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's to bad things suck so much, blah blah blah". In our "validating" we are not really helping anything. There truly is a day as a mother(and I have had it already in our 9months) where you just have to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.
While that's true that I can't drink a cup of virtual tea, there are still more helpful comments than "this too shall pass" and other cliches like it ... how about helping brainstorm a list of things that *could* help in that situation ... even if they are only to serve as a diversion (such as going for a walk)?? It could still be enough of a mental break to refocus, rather than just telling a person to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and "get over it".
For example, my 7yo dd is being weaned off of her bipolar meds right now, and is starting back into the rages and meltdowns. I have three other (younger) children plus one due in August, when dd will be 100% med free -- they are doing a trial dry run over the summer -- so I have those days when I'm trying to keep her 'storms' in check, while dealing with other children who are sick, needing me, whatever ... and the absolutely last thing I need to hear is a tired cliche or someone telling me to 'get over it' ... better would be suggesting things to do to help deal with everything (such as "How's the weather ... nice enough to go play outside and allow dd to try to run off some frustration while the needier ones cuddle with Mommy on the steps/bench?")
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Kara
Tea Drinkers Anonymous
<-- Caleb
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:57:00 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3716
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
quote:
Just hand me a cup of hot tea and give me the chance for 5 minutes of peace and quiet ... time for just me ... then life becomes a bit more manageable.
But we cannot do that online, so it become a bunch of "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's to bad things suck so much, blah blah blah". In our "validating" we are not really helping anything. There truly is a day as a mother(and I have had it already in our 9months) where you just have to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.
True dat. But even when we are pulling up our panties and getting on with life, it can still be helpful to have some company, even online.
I don't think we always need to help, per se. It's often seen as being a male trait to want to fix the problem, but women can certainly feel that way, too. We see a woman going through months of struggle, and we just want to fix the darn problem already!
I still remember a day when I was sick, but Nathan was active and healthy. I still remember having to pick myself up off the floor to follow him, into another room, 'cause I was afraid he was getting into something. He's not the kind of boy to play quietly in one room for very long. Oi that was rough.
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 8:58:49 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6023
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
But we cannot do that online, so it become a bunch of "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's to bad things suck so much, blah blah blah". In our "validating" we are not really helping anything. There truly is a day as a mother(and I have had it already in our 9months) where you just have to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life.
Which is precisely what I had to do - otherwise I would have driven my husband crazy (or out of the house), had my child taken away from me, and been sent to the funny farm.
Maybe I am tougher because as a child I had a gutful of my mother's sympathy-seeking pity parties, all designed to make me feel (falsely) responsible for her and how she felt. I am always hard on myself, because I don't want to end up like her, always looking for other people to meet her needs, always blaming others for lacks in herself .... it was kind of aversion therapy.
As a fridge magnet once said "If you can't be a good example, be a terrible warning". That's my mum. 
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 9:02:08 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6023
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Karaboo2
For example, my 7yo dd is being weaned off of her bipolar meds right now, and is starting back into the rages and meltdowns. I have three other (younger) children plus one due in August, when dd will be 100% med free -- they are doing a trial dry run over the summer -- so I have those days when I'm trying to keep her 'storms' in check, while dealing with other children who are sick, needing me, whatever ... and the absolutely last thing I need to hear is a tired cliche or someone telling me to 'get over it' ...
Hmmmm, I've read most if not all of your posts and I have *never* seen anyone say anything like that to you.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 9:09:36 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 2396
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Hmmmm, I've read most if not all of your posts and I have *never* seen anyone say anything like that to you.
Not online ... those tend to be IRL comments ... I was just using that situation as an example of what wouldn't help versus what *could* possibly help. And I've seen far too many people become offended by what is said to them online (even if the OP meant for it to help, not hurt) that they end up staying away from the forums for quite awhile, instead of sticking around and getting the support they want/need. A lot of people end up feeling worse when people make comments about sucking it up, or by using cliches ... if people would just get together and make a list of things that could help in the situation, the person having the troubles would (hopefully) end up feeling better about the outlook, rather than worse.
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Kara
Tea Drinkers Anonymous
<-- Caleb
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 9:13:22 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6023
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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The main (if not sole) contexts in which I've seen "This too will pass" used here in these folders, are in relating to a baby not sleeping at night and it probably being down to teething, and in terms of a baby being clingy. To me it makes absolute sense to say "This too will pass" in both cases - because with the former it's giving hope that the night disruption isn't permanent, but just down to temporary teething issues, and with the latter it's letting the mum know that it's likely to be just a phase, and that they don't need to be unduly concerned.
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: General Mommy Thread - 6/5/2008 9:25:28 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 2396
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
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I'll be the first to say that yes -- you need to be willing to act on the advice you receive. But also when you are in the midst of the "crisis" some things end up being more hurtful than helpful ... and when you see them said over and over, that's what frustrates *me* to no end.
And unfortunately, it isn't always easy to have a bunch of "people and other services" in place for whatever reason (ie. you just moved and know no one in the community yet ... you are military and don't stay in one place long enough to get to know anyone, etc) So sometimes the virtual world IS the only means of support.
Sometimes hearing what worked for other people can be the most helpful thing of all ... and getting a varied response (what worked for 99% of the population may not work for you ... but hearing that one other person can join you in that lonely 1% can be a tremendous relief)
I mean, Manda gives great advice about homeopathic remedies ... more than once one of her suggestions (while not directed at me personally) has helped in our situation, when everything else had failed. So we just need to keep giving useful advice ... and be willing to give it a shot when we are on the receiving end!!
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Kara
Tea Drinkers Anonymous
<-- Caleb
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