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LaurainAL -> General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 9:25:09 PM)

The intent of this thread is to move discussions out of the Baby thread, SAHM thread or any other thread the OP feels is getting off topic.

So....here we are[:)]



paulsbride -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 9:35:09 PM)

[:D]



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 9:35:44 PM)

Well, I was about to comment on your second post, but it appears you deleted it. Suffice to say, I love a good dose of sarcasm, but my monitor didn't ... I had a mouthful of water. [8D]

I can understand why you started this thread, but I think I'm going to start repeating myself in all of these threads.



LaurainAL -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 9:42:44 PM)

I thought that last post would get me in trouble.....

Let's talk about the discussion in the Baby Chat thread that was off topic. How should we give encouragement to a struggling sleep deprived mother? Is calling the frustration of motherhood selfish a true statement? Are there mothers out there who truly never get frustrated? If the answer is yes, what prescription is she on? [8D]



Sideways -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 10:08:35 PM)

I've heard the phrase "die to self" thrown around a lot, and I understand the sentiment, but I think if moms die to self to much ... sooner or later, there's no self left.

Every woman finds fulfillment differently. Some don't need a blessed thing but to cook, clean and take care of hubby and kids, and it doesn't matter if they get 2 hours of sleep and haven't had 30 minutes to themselves in years. And THAT'S FINE.

But we're not all built that way, and I think that's okay, too. How to encourage a struggling mom? Well over the internet it's hard. All we can do is say that we care about you, we're praying for you, and we've been there, too.

I personally hate the phrase "This too shall pass", because when you're ready to fall apart from sleep deprivation and loneliness, then it just seems like forever. And once this stage passes, there's always something new waiting for you.

God does provide for us, but often it requires us helping ourselves a bit. Like try to get some fresh air and exercise whenever you possibly can. Try to reach out to neighbors if you see each other on a walk (hey that's how I met a few people). Try the Library reading hour and talk to other moms. Be the first one to speak up and break the ice. Ask for help whenever that's possible.

And ignore anyone who makes you feel guilty for feeling your feelings. A mom is not bad for slipping and falling ... bad moms don't care when they've messed up with their kids. Good moms do mess up, but they care enough to want to be better.



woodwind228 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 10:09:34 PM)

quote:

Are there mothers out there who truly never get frustrated? If the answer is yes, what prescription is she on?


Inquiry minds (moms) want to know!! Especially this one!



PrincessDonna -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 10:28:46 PM)

General Mommy at your service. [>:]<----that's the mean mommy face.

At ease, soldier.

LOL...sorry...the "general" thing gave me a giggle. Thanks! I needed it!

quote:

How should we give encouragement to a struggling sleep deprived mother? Is calling the frustration of motherhood selfish a true statement? Are there mothers out there who truly never get frustrated? If the answer is yes, what prescription is she on?


I don't think any mother is never frustrated. I think some are better at hiding it than others, and sometimes the hiding is not a good thing. We're all human and we need to be a bit vulnerable sometimes to encourage someone else that they are not alone.

Chronic sleep deprivation can cause all kinds of nasty symptoms. Instead of saying, Oh well...that's life with a baby, I think it's more helpful to try to come up with ideas on how to help mom get more sleep, or more downtime, more time to relax and recharge for the wearying hours ahead. That will be different for each mom, but I personally don't think any mom should feel bad for wanting time away from their little darlings. I love my kids dearly, but I also cherish my time away from them, as meager as it sometimes is.

Also, some people are capable at functioning at a much higher stress level than others. We need to know our own limits and not be afraid to admit we HAVE limits! If someone doesn't have those limits...wonderful for them, but I believe most women/moms do have them. I am all for being unselfish and caring for others, but there is a time and a place for mom to state her needs and make sure that she is healthy (emotionally, spiritually, phsyically) so that she can care for her family better.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/4/2008 10:40:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaurainAL

The intent of this thread is to move discussions out of the Baby thread, SAHM thread or any other thread the OP feels is getting off topic.

So....here we are[:)]

[:D][:D]thanks


quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna

General Mommy at your service. <----that's the mean mommy face.

At ease, soldier.

LOL...sorry...the "general" thing gave me a giggle. Thanks! I needed it!


I got a giggle out of that too cause Paul says that's my "rank"...lol. Actually he says I am a "General Sergent Major"...lol

anyway...to the topic...
quote:

I don't think any mother is never frustrated. I think some are better at hiding it than others, and sometimes the hiding is not a good thing. We're all human and we need to be a bit vulnerable sometimes to encourage someone else that they are not alone.

YUP...completely agree...and if you are never frustrated then you haven't been a mother long enough yet...just wait!!!!!

I know that lack of sleep is a biggie for me....HUGE one actually. I MUST sleep enough or I can't function. I have had to learn over the years that that is my #1 priority in life when I need it. I have put myself through so much over the years (emotionally wise) because I haven't put that as #1 and have let other things creep in there...like cleaning the house, or volunteering for things, or whatever else it is. It took a few kids for me to realize that having that as my #1 priority wasn't wrong...even if we were eating off of paper plates and you have to step around things to walk through the house. Those things have their place too, but for me sleep HAS to be #1. I have chosen in many instances to make parental decisions based on that too...such as, mandatory nap time every day no matter how old our kids are...or co-sleeping....or nursing (those two allow me to sleep more...I can nurse or co-sleep and still get my own required sleep...I know some people can't but it is a life saver for me).



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 8:06:44 AM)

quote:

I don't think any mother is never frustrated.


I agree. We all have our bad days. Or bad months. [&:]

And sleep--by the time Gebre was a year old I was starting to feel like I was teetering on the edge of insanity. [:o] For a few months when both he and Biruk were waking multiple times I night, I said some things while crawling out of bed that I really regret. [&o]

How to encourage? Well, IRL if I knew a mom who was desperately in need of sleep, I'd offer to babysit so she could nap. [:D] Online though, the only thing I can offer is the encouragement that this stage of life does *not* last forever, and to rearrange your life so it's as simple as possible in order to maximize rest-time.



KatMack -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 10:03:52 AM)

I think one of the biggest things we can do is truly validate the mom's feelings. So often we validate then qualify and by qualifing we just make the mom feel lousy. I think that's what was happening in the previous discussion that inspired this thread. I know other posters had the best of intentions at heart, but all it ultimately did was inspire guilt (at least in me [&:]).

--Kat



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 10:13:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatMack

I think one of the biggest things we can do is truly validate the mom's feelings. So often we validate then qualify and by qualifing we just make the mom feel lousy. I think that's what was happening in the previous discussion that inspired this thread. I know other posters had the best of intentions at heart, but all it ultimately did was inspire guilt (at least in me [&:]).

--Kat

I agree about validating it, however this thread was started because even with validation it was off topic for the other thread. Some of us weren't "not validating" we just wanted the thread to stay on topic...and that topic didn't go there. If someone needs validation or support there are ways to get that without taking any other thread off topic to do so. So in a way I agree with you....but I don't see how it is wrong of someone to not validate others when the conversation doesn't belong where it is. I also don't feel it was wrong of me (the OP of the other thread) to point that out and ask that it be taken other places. I was not "not validating" her by doing that....just trying to keep things on the topic that THAT thread was started for.



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 11:06:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatMack

I think one of the biggest things we can do is truly validate the mom's feelings. So often we validate then qualify and by qualifing we just make the mom feel lousy. I think that's what was happening in the previous discussion that inspired this thread. I know other posters had the best of intentions at heart, but all it ultimately did was inspire guilt (at least in me [&:]).

--Kat


I agree, and I do try and validate but there are times when I feel like the mother doesn't deserve validation[&o](just being honest) I see across my two forums alot of mothers who are NOT doing what is best for their children, and they aren't working to find solutions to the various problems they are having and instead choose to just whine about it over and over and over and over again. They have children with reflux, or asthma, or eczema and don't care to find the proper help for their child and in that selfishness and negligence I have trouble validating them.

I have gone through having a child with reflux, and I know how much it SUCKS to have to hold them half the night so they will sleep. But I searched out resources and did so much research that I could probably become an allergist. Ha. I sought the support of other mothers who had been through the same thing and asked their advice. I found a wealth of information and "tricks" to help solve our problems.



isaacsmom -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 11:14:21 AM)

quote:

I agree about validating it, however this thread was started because even with validation it was off topic for the other thread. Some of us weren't "not validating" we just wanted the thread to stay on topic...and that topic didn't go there. If someone needs validation or support there are ways to get that without taking any other thread off topic to do so. So in a way I agree with you....but I don't see how it is wrong of someone to not validate others when the conversation doesn't belong where it is. I also don't feel it was wrong of me (the OP of the other thread) to point that out and ask that it be taken other places. I was not "not validating" her by doing that....just trying to keep things on the topic that THAT thread was started for.


Sarah . . . . I don't think this is what Kat's post is talking about at all. I believe she's talking about the discussion itself and some of the responses, not whether it was off topic or not. At least that's the way I read it. I don't think she was referring to you at all. Am I right, Kat?



Room2Grow -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 11:27:11 AM)

I have not slept a full night in 2.25 years. Not one. Fortunately, I am only up twice a night most nights, though it has taken until Anna was 19 months to achieve that, prior to that point is was usually at least five times per night (and of course before that was being pg and peeing all night). There are times I want to curl up in a ball and cry. There are times that I beg God to just make her go back to sleep. Most days, I just suck it up and deal- this is my life right now. Prepetual tiredness- someday, someday, she will sleep. Until then, I just have to do what I need to do to get by, even if that is taking a nap or putting the kids in front of the tv while I doze on the couch for a few minutes- it's about survival. I just pray that she sleeps well before this baby comes so that I'm not up with two[:o][&o]



Karaboo2 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 11:33:05 AM)

Even though the kidlets are all sleeping through the night, I'm still up at least twice to pee ... oh the joys of being preggers ... and inevitably my foot finds a toy which got left on the floor or something like that, so I slip and slide and then I'm AWAKE!!! And I end up staying awake for at least an hour. I don't log on here during those hour sessions, as I'd get too caught up in the CW life ... I usually make a cup of tea or something hot like that and sit and read until my eyes get heavy again.



KatMack -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 12:08:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: isaacsmom

quote:

I agree about validating it, however this thread was started because even with validation it was off topic for the other thread. Some of us weren't "not validating" we just wanted the thread to stay on topic...and that topic didn't go there. If someone needs validation or support there are ways to get that without taking any other thread off topic to do so. So in a way I agree with you....but I don't see how it is wrong of someone to not validate others when the conversation doesn't belong where it is. I also don't feel it was wrong of me (the OP of the other thread) to point that out and ask that it be taken other places. I was not "not validating" her by doing that....just trying to keep things on the topic that THAT thread was started for.


Sarah . . . . I don't think this is what Kat's post is talking about at all. I believe she's talking about the discussion itself and some of the responses, not whether it was off topic or not. At least that's the way I read it. I don't think she was referring to you at all. Am I right, Kat?


100% correct! I agree that the topic was OT. Didn't mean you at all, Sarah! Sorry for the confusion!

--Kat



Mrs.X -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 12:20:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Room2Grow
There are times I want to curl up in a ball and cry. There are times that I beg God to just make her go back to sleep. Most days, I just suck it up and deal- this is my life right now. Prepetual tiredness- someday, someday, she will sleep.


You have explained my feelings exactly. I haven't had a good night sleep since I was 8 months pregnant with Jimmy.



PrudentWife -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 12:24:08 PM)

Thanks for starting this 'general' thread Laura. Sometimes I feel like the topics of other threads are so very specific I don't even post for fear of getting scolded.

quote:

I think some are better at hiding it than others, and sometimes the hiding is not a good thing. We're all human and we need to be a bit vulnerable sometimes to encourage someone else that they are not alone.


I agree wholeheartedly.

quote:

I think one of the biggest things we can do is truly validate the mom's feelings. So often we validate then qualify and by qualifing we just make the mom feel lousy.


Yes! Yes! Yes! Can someone star that woman?

I think sometimes the best thing a mom needs is sympathy & support. I know for me, nothing makes me feel worse than when someone says (IRL, or on here posts or PMs) "Oh. All you need to do is XYZ exactly like me and your baby will straiten out." I tend to be very reluctant to toss out advice and tips. Most exasperated mothers have read all the same books I have and have tried all those wonderful strategies.

I'm still up 6-8 times per night with Lincoln. But that is not the worst part for me. I truly feel for women who don't have the tolerance for sleep deprivation that I do. I struggle with the daily fussing and whining and crying. One of my kids is always crying. Some days I wish I could call in sick [8D]



3tulips -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 1:32:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

I personally hate the phrase "This too shall pass", because when you're ready to fall apart from sleep deprivation and loneliness, then it just seems like forever. And once this stage passes, there's always something new waiting for you.



Me too! It doesn't help me in this moment. I want this to get better, not just pass away. My youngest is now the last one home. (I have a college age one between work and school is rarely home, and my oldest is married.) She is almost a teen. She is bored a lot with the other siblings gone. Or she is bored a lot because she is a teen girl [:D] I am trying my best to make the most of this "just us" time.



Room2Grow -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 1:43:00 PM)

Amen Prudent! I have learned that there are only certain people I can be honest with about our struggles with Anna. She is absolutely a high needs child and no amount of "cry it out" is going to work.ever. I have been fed up several times and tried it against my better judgement- the only thing it does is make us all more miserable for even longer. Honestly, I wouldn't have believed that children like her existed (except from a few people, others would "exaggerate" in my mind) until I had one. They are out there. They are real. They are immune to many/most/all of the "tricks" that books/other moms offer. Honestly, if it weren't for some of the women here, I would be in a rubber room somewhere wondering why I was/am such a horrible mom!



clag4christ -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 4:37:18 PM)

quote:

Chronic sleep deprivation can cause all kinds of nasty symptoms. Instead of saying, Oh well...that's life with a baby, I think it's more helpful to try to come up with ideas on how to help mom get more sleep, or more downtime, more time to relax and recharge for the wearying hours ahead. That will be different for each mom, but I personally don't think any mom should feel bad for wanting time away from their little darlings. I love my kids dearly, but I also cherish my time away from them, as meager as it sometimes is.


A good way for us here in our house to *usually* (but not always) guarantee some downtime and relaxation for me during the day is to have my girls on a routine, which has turned into more of a schedule (since they both go down for naps at the same times every day). That way I get to spend some one on one time with Hannah while Jael takes her first nap and then I get some "me time" while they're both napping in the afternoon. I love my downtime and it recharges me for the rest of the afternoon/evenings.

Of course there are days when things don't go as planned and I just cannot wait until their bedtime...but I do truly enjoy my time with my sweet girlies. Maybe it's because we were made to wait on the Lord for what seemed such a very long time for our Hannah Grace...


quote:

I agree, and I do try and validate but there are times when I feel like the mother doesn't deserve validation (just being honest) I see across my two forums alot of mothers who are NOT doing what is best for their children, and they aren't working to find solutions to the various problems they are having and instead choose to just whine about it over and over and over and over again. They have children with reflux, or asthma, or eczema and don't care to find the proper help for their child and in that selfishness and negligence I have trouble validating them.


I agree...



As far as lonliness during the day and the need for validation, IRL, there is always MOP's. It's a fabulous orginaztion for women to share, love on each other, and encourage each other through this tough season with preschoolers.



LaurainAL -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 4:49:25 PM)

I don't know that dwelling on the hardships of motherhood is very productive, but it never hurts to be honest. Always painting a rosey picture is not honest.



Mrs.X -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 5:14:24 PM)

LOL, love your sig, Laura!



nicole6598 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 6:51:38 PM)

Yep, Sarah I don't think anyone was meaning you personally when Kat said that! I didn't take offence to what you wrote, I knew you were trying to keep it on topic.

Hmm Ryanne- was that a dig at me in your post up there? You mentioned reflux is all.

Laura I agree we shouldn't keep on about the negative but it just makes me mad when people put his falsity on like they are holier than thou and that is not helpful for anyone. I have had people IRL and on the net do that to me and it doesn't make you feel good at all, like Kat said, makes you feel guilty. That is not what we as Christians should be doing to one another at all.

UGH. I don't know why I have to feel like I need to validate things to other people. I am having a hard time. IT sucks. I am trying my best. I am seeking help for my son. But he is just high needs and in pain. I know I have a few more months of this and that makes me mad, scared, anxious.I have a routine. I don't have a helpful or supportive husband which at times I think is worse then having a hubby who is just gone for work. There isn't a mum's group I can go to. When you feel like that the last place you want to be is meeting with strangers.
I think its good I am going away for the weekend.....
Thanks Laura for the thread. And thank you to those who were trying to encourage me and others like me in the baby chat thread.



manda59 -> RE: General Mommy Thread (6/5/2008 8:05:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways
I personally hate the phrase "This too shall pass", because when you're ready to fall apart from sleep deprivation and loneliness, then it just seems like forever.


That's the thing though - it seems like forever, but it can help to be reminded that it actually won't be.

It certainly would have helped me if someone had said that to me when I was in the midst of it all.

quote:


And once this stage passes, there's always something new waiting for you.


Again, that's also the point - at least it's something new, not the same old, same old.

quote:


And ignore anyone who makes you feel guilty for feeling your feelings.


There is also the option of not allowing anyone to make you feel guilty. Even when we're feeling like a wrung out piece of old lettuce, we still have the choice. We are in control of our minds and don't have to look to other people to define who we are and what we feel.



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