Relationships, blah. I could use some help

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pureevil -> Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/4/2008 11:33:27 PM)
Up until recently I've been a real loner. Never desired affection or relationship from anyone. Was just as happy being home alone for weeks (sometimes even months on end) without any outside relationships aside from work. That's all begun to change as God has been working on me. I find myself more and more craving the companionship of others, especially believers. From what I understand that is relatively normal (wanting to be around other believers), but my issue is that I'm socially retarded. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way it's just what I am. I have absolutely no social skills. I'm scared to death to talk to other people unless it is one on one and even then it takes a long time to warm up to them. When I do talk I find myself stumbling over words, talking under my breath, wringing my hands, and feeling very much trapped. Obviously I'm self conscious to the Nth degree. And honestly I doubt it would matter much at all other than two areas both of which a relational. First and foremost I find it affecting my relationship with God. I often find myself directly disobeying Him especially when it comes to talking to other people and giving them a word from the Lord. When all is said and done they don't get the word and I feel like absolute garbage. I can't explain it, but it isn't a good feeling. The other way this affects my relationship is in trying to find a helpmate. For some reason girls don't seem to interested in guys who clam up and just can't talk. There's one girl in particular who I will talk about in another thread, but for this thread I'm just looking for some prayer and advice. Either God needs to break this bondage off of me or he needs to settle in my heart that my purpose may not be to have more than 1 or 2 friends and no meaningful relationships. Since the God I know is a God of relationships I full expect him to deliver me but I really don't know my part in it (if I even have one)? After all that here's the questions: How can I learn relational skills? I'm 34 years old and have pretty much none. Not joking either. I've been on one "date" in my life, and in 3 relationships. All of which ended (by the Grace of God) relatively quickly. Is it possible at this point and time in my life to learn things I should have learned as far back as 11 or 12 years old? Sounds stupid I know, but the skills simple aren't there. Do you have any advice to make what I'm going through more fruitful?

Kat_D -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 12:22:36 AM)
Just wondering why you picked that handle? It certainly isn't very welcoming and doesn't do much to attract friendships here on CW. This may be part of your lack of social skills and changing it to something more pleasant might be a fist step to improve in that area.

acknwldgeverygdthing -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 12:29:41 AM)
get a pill dude Most doctors would be willing to prescribe something for anxiety after hearing your story, I think. But Pray about it first. Remember that a lot of things can be said without talking. Practicing an open posture and good eye contact will go a long way to make others' feel more comfortable with you.

deermousie -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 4:19:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pureevil First and foremost I find it affecting my relationship with God. I often find myself directly disobeying Him especially when it comes to talking to other people and giving them a word from the Lord. When all is said and done they don't get the word and I feel like absolute garbage. I can't explain it, but it isn't a good feeling. Take heart, pureevil; your only job is to open your mouth and speak. It's God's job to change people's hearts. Sometimes you could be a link in the chain that yields fruit later on, but to speak is your only job, thankless as it often is. Your paycheck will probably come later. quote: The other way this affects my relationship is in trying to find a helpmate. For some reason girls don't seem to interested in guys who clam up and just can't talk. There's one girl in particular who I will talk about in another thread, but for this thread I'm just looking for some prayer and advice. God intends for us to need Him (fine with me) and need each other (oh, wait a minute!). I'm a lot like you, and it's only the last couple of years I've learned how to talk. Oh, I could chatter, but talking is hard for me, and I've mostly learned it on the internet. This is a pretty non-threatening place to experiment, so let me encourage you to step out a little. Besides, pretty soon you may find it fun. It's God's will for most people to marry, and to find a wife is to find a good thing, according to Scripture. The skills you'll for relating to her you will need to relate to others as well, so experiment on us, OK? [:)] The only things I'll add to that is 1) a smile says "you are welcome to me" and 2) everyone or nearly everyone is afraid of rejection, so work on your body language that says "I don't reject you." Find courtesies to say that help relate to others. Be helpful when you see someone struggling. When others talk, listen to what they say (if you aren't already) and talk about them. Everyone loves talking about themselves and will open up if you key in on something they let leak and you ask questions about it (just mention collies to me and I'll talk your ear off. All you have to do is smile and nod occasionally, and I'll think you're a great conversationalist!). quote: How can I learn relational skills? I'm 34 years old and have pretty much none. Not joking either. I've been on one "date" in my life, and in 3 relationships. All of which ended (by the Grace of God) relatively quickly. Hang out with people at church who are good at this. If they are mature Christians, you can probably find an older man to disciple you. Tell the pastor your concern and ask him who might help you. Get involved in groups (Bible studies for college/career might be good, or adult groups that a single would be comfortable in) and watch how others relate. They've probably been doing it since childhood, so it will take you and me longer to figure it out, but we'll get there and I'm sure God will bless. quote: Is it possible at this point and time in my life to learn things I should have learned as far back as 11 or 12 years old? Sounds stupid I know, but the skills simple aren't there. Yes. It's harder for us but we can do it and God wants us to be a blessing to others. I think my social development stopped at three, so that's where I start. The people in my church are kind and helpful because they know I'm trying, and I don't put my foot in it near as often as I used to. But I still trip and need people to explain things to me. Embarrassing, but I'll never learn if I don't ask, eh? Here's something that I think will help you and be easier - volunteer your help somewhere. Be giving to others. My kid and I work the kitchen at the local rescue mission, and we feel useful and appreciate it when the staff say thank you. The homeless folk coming through the line with a tray are grateful (often) and will say so; it's nice. So I learned that it's good to help, and that it feels good when someone notices that I'm trying to help. So I watch, and try to appreciate others when they're doing something helpful. They like kind words, too. This isn't exhaustive (because you're reading a beginner here) but maybe this will help you. God bless you, brother, and may He heal you from the inside out! I am praying for you today.

ebony101 -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 5:30:18 AM)
Learning relational skills Pray a lot for God's help in developing social relation skills. Try to start slowly. Observe others and try to imitate their gestures, until you can develop your own. Try to avoid groups where the onus is on you to participate or lead the conversations. Practise the art of conversation before the mirror. These are just my tips - Hope that it helps.

Vently -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 9:49:59 AM)
Wow, I could have written this post, well ten or so years ago. Shyness can be over come. Prayer is the starting point. Realize that you're not weirder than anyone else. Here's a few things you can do and be prepared to come out of your shell. Yes it will be scary, yes it will be uncomfortable. When you speak to people, look them in the eyes. Yes, even people you don't know. Look people in the eyes when you are in among them. (shopping, working, playing) I know this is a dangerous, you may have to gasp say "hello" to a few. Which leads to you greeting people, yes, people you don't know. A simple "Hi" or "Hello" isn't going to make you burst into flames or cause the other other person to pull out an lazer and melt your face off. And no wimpy under the breath ones allowed. A real normal voice "Hello" I know this one is a toughie, but you can do it. Past the butterflies in the stomach, the lump in the throat and pounding heart you can do it. And not just once. But keep doing it. An even tougher assignment. Introduce yourself to 2 new people a week Yep, you'll goof it. The words will get stuck, your brain will freeze, the brightest spot light ever will be on you, However you can press through and actually talk to someone new Other things to consider: Karate or judo classes. Nothing builds confidence like being able to chop a board in two. Public speaking or speech class. No its not the death sentence you think it would be. Past the anxiety, Its another confidence builder. Get involved at church. Be a Greeter, if your church has them. Confidence is the key here. Confidence in yourself and your abilities. And like muscle, takes exercise to build. quote: First and foremost I find it affecting my relationship with God. I often find myself directly disobeying Him especially when it comes to talking to other people and giving them a word from the Lord. When all is said and done they don't get the word and I feel like absolute garbage. I can't explain it, but it isn't a good feeling. Although connected this is a stronger issue. You need an accountability partner. If I were him, " God understands your failings and even forgives them, But what are you doing (going to do) to make sure it doesn't happen again?" Sudden deliverance is great. bang, done. More often we have to work through our troubles. that is "walk through the valley" The thing that has you all bound up is fear. Face down that monster and you have the battle. Build your confidence and you have victory. V

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 2:55:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kat_D Just wondering why you picked that handle? It certainly isn't very welcoming and doesn't do much to attract friendships here on CW. This may be part of your lack of social skills and changing it to something more pleasant might be a fist step to improve in that area. Hi Kat! Perhaps you're right. I was reading a lot about the depravity of man at the time a few months back when I took it and it seemed fitting. But I can see why it would cause concern.

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 2:57:07 PM)
Thanks all for the advice. I've been praying about it quite a bit over the past few days. Will continue in that direction.

ChoirDJ -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 3:14:25 PM)
If it weren't for your age, I would have wondered if you were one of the members in the choir I direct. He doesn't appear to be inhibited quite to the same degree but you could tell he has a hard time interacting socially with others. Recently, he asked to sit down and talk about some things on his heart and we had a great talk. What he learned is that he was not all that different from anybody else in theat we all have our flaws and insecurities. He e-mails me regularly about the things on his heart and our friendship is budding slowly but surely. I always knew he had things going on but it broke that wall down a bit when he started putting himself out there and talking about some of those challenges (which are quite understandable by the way). My best guess is that the more you establish friendships and open up about the things on your heart, the more you will find that so many others can relate to you. You can even choose to keep posting here to build up that confidence.

crankius -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 3:23:38 PM)
Hello, I'm very interested in what you have told us. I'm a person who thoroughly enjoys my alone time and I only have a few very close friends, but I have great social skills--I can carry on a conversation with a rock. [sm=icon_smile_approve.gif] Help me know how to help people like you. What helps? Do you want people to be friendly to you? Do you feel nervous when others look you in the eye? Do you want people inviting you over for dinner or activities? Do you want people to sit by you and talk with you and ask you questions? Thanks for being willing to share! When it comes to genuine mutual friendships, I agree with C.S. Lewis--friendship happens best between two individuals who are complete individuals--distinct, healthy, unique--their own persons. When these two people share a common interest, they have a meeting of minds and something which they can bond over, like music, a sport, a political interest, etc. And as believers, we have the Lord in common and that immediately bonds us as friends. quote: ORIGINAL: Vently Realize that you're not weirder than anyone else. There's a whole lot of truth in that.

GladForGRACE -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 5:54:51 PM)
Hi PE! I also am an introvert and when I was younger, struggled with being awkward around people/not knowing what to say. I think that you have been given some really good advice. I agree with Kat- change your screen name or what ever it is. You sound like a nice guy after reading your note, but your name is a bit scary. : ) The way to get better at conversations/people skills is to practice. I encourage you to BEGIN! I like what vently said about the fact that you will flub up. That's okay. Just by practicing, you are on a road to getting better. Know too, that sometimes a little silence is okay as well. Don't feel like you ALWAYS have to fill in the blanks. Others can do that too. : ) Deer Mousie was right on when she said that most people really like to talk about things that interest them. People LOVE to talk about themselves. Ask open-ended questions that people need to to say more a few words in a response. This will help you get to know them better and give you more to comment on. examples: what did you think of ___?, what do you like to do for fun? I am excited for you in this area! Relationships have been the greatest encouragement to me in general, but especially in my walk with the Lord. The fact that you see your need for relationships is a GIFT. Praise God for it and know that he will equip you for what he calls you to do.

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/5/2008 11:53:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ If it weren't for your age, I would have wondered if you were one of the members in the choir I direct. He doesn't appear to be inhibited quite to the same degree but you could tell he has a hard time interacting socially with others. Recently, he asked to sit down and talk about some things on his heart and we had a great talk. What he learned is that he was not all that different from anybody else in theat we all have our flaws and insecurities. He e-mails me regularly about the things on his heart and our friendship is budding slowly but surely. I always knew he had things going on but it broke that wall down a bit when he started putting himself out there and talking about some of those challenges (which are quite understandable by the way). My best guess is that the more you establish friendships and open up about the things on your heart, the more you will find that so many others can relate to you. You can even choose to keep posting here to build up that confidence. I certainly see what you are saying about putting yourself out there. I do that with a few select people and I find it helps a little. Problem is I never get beyond the few select people. I can talk for hours with them one on one but bring a 3rd party into the crowd and I clam up and get agitated. Which of course makes it very uncomfortable for everyone. Even when it's two really good friends with me I can't handle it. I know that's a pretty weak excuse, but it's what happens.

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 12:07:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crankius Hello, I'm very interested in what you have told us. I'm a person who thoroughly enjoys my alone time and I only have a few very close friends, but I have great social skills--I can carry on a conversation with a rock. [sm=icon_smile_approve.gif] Help me know how to help people like you. What helps? Do you want people to be friendly to you? Do you feel nervous when others look you in the eye? Do you want people inviting you over for dinner or activities? Do you want people to sit by you and talk with you and ask you questions? Thanks for being willing to share! When it comes to genuine mutual friendships, I agree with C.S. Lewis--friendship happens best between two individuals who are complete individuals--distinct, healthy, unique--their own persons. When these two people share a common interest, they have a meeting of minds and something which they can bond over, like music, a sport, a political interest, etc. And as believers, we have the Lord in common and that immediately bonds us as friends. quote: ORIGINAL: Vently Realize that you're not weirder than anyone else. There's a whole lot of truth in that. Man, if I knew the answers to those questions I'd be way ahead! I'll do my best to answer them for you... 1) Do you want people to be friendly to you? I believe everyone wants other people to be friendly to them. So, yes I do. To a reasonable extent. 2) Do you feel nervous when others look you in the eye? Not with other men, but sometimes with women. It's not as bad as it once was, but it is still there. 3) Do you want people inviting you over for dinner or activities? I get invited over all the time for dinner and activities... When there's a group event. Two problems occur with this. First, as I mentioned it's only group events which absolutely horrifies me. Secondly it's always as an afterthought. I always get a phone call from one of them that goes something like this. "Hey man, sorry I forgot to tell you about 'such and such' we're all doing today. Why don't you come join us?" "Oh, well when does it start?" "About 30 minutes ago, come on over!" I suppose I should feel blessed to be asked, but I can't help that gnawing feeling that it's just an after thought. Am I off base? Now granted there are times when I'm included in the planning of the event so I know about it, but I'm talking about just a friendly get together. 4) Do you want people to sit by you and talk with you and ask you questions? Yes and no. I don't mind it at all, but the people who try it get frustrated trying to draw me more into a conversation than a question/answer exchange. I'm working on it, but still not there yet.

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 12:20:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Vently Wow, I could have written this post, well ten or so years ago. Shyness can be over come. Prayer is the starting point. Realize that you're not weirder than anyone else. Here's a few things you can do and be prepared to come out of your shell. Yes it will be scary, yes it will be uncomfortable. When you speak to people, look them in the eyes. Yes, even people you don't know. Look people in the eyes when you are in among them. (shopping, working, playing) I know this is a dangerous, you may have to gasp say "hello" to a few. Which leads to you greeting people, yes, people you don't know. A simple "Hi" or "Hello" isn't going to make you burst into flames or cause the other other person to pull out an lazer and melt your face off. And no wimpy under the breath ones allowed. A real normal voice "Hello" I know this one is a toughie, but you can do it. Past the butterflies in the stomach, the lump in the throat and pounding heart you can do it. And not just once. But keep doing it. An even tougher assignment. Introduce yourself to 2 new people a week Yep, you'll goof it. The words will get stuck, your brain will freeze, the brightest spot light ever will be on you, However you can press through and actually talk to someone new Other things to consider: Karate or judo classes. Nothing builds confidence like being able to chop a board in two. Public speaking or speech class. No its not the death sentence you think it would be. Past the anxiety, Its another confidence builder. Get involved at church. Be a Greeter, if your church has them. Confidence is the key here. Confidence in yourself and your abilities. And like muscle, takes exercise to build. quote: First and foremost I find it affecting my relationship with God. I often find myself directly disobeying Him especially when it comes to talking to other people and giving them a word from the Lord. When all is said and done they don't get the word and I feel like absolute garbage. I can't explain it, but it isn't a good feeling. Although connected this is a stronger issue. You need an accountability partner. If I were him, " God understands your failings and even forgives them, But what are you doing (going to do) to make sure it doesn't happen again?" Sudden deliverance is great. bang, done. More often we have to work through our troubles. that is "walk through the valley" The thing that has you all bound up is fear. Face down that monster and you have the battle. Build your confidence and you have victory. V All you wrote is very sound advice. Even I recognize it. If I'll manage to actually implement it only time will tell, but after reading it yesterday I tried the saying hello thing. After praise and worship tonight I turned around and said hi to a girl I know but haven't said but 2 or 3 sentences to in the past 8 months. I must say I was a little shocked by her reaction. She said hi, smiled, and started talking to me like we were old chums. It was a little much for me, but that's on me not her. So tomorrow I'll try another one (or two depending on how things are going) at our praise and worship service. I'm not quite ready for completely random strangers in the market just yet... As for public speaking it's funny you bring that up as I've been wondering about joining toastmasters just for the confidence building. Not sure if I'm actually ready for that yet, but your suggestion bears consideration.

crankius -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 12:44:36 AM)
Thanks for answering my questions. I have a few more, just because I am curious. [:D] Were you social when you were a little kid? Did your parents talk with you lots, interact with you, discuss at the dinner table, etc.? quote: I suppose I should feel blessed to be asked, but I can't help that gnawing feeling that it's just an after thought. Am I off base? I would feel that way too. It would be awkward. However, I think some people just function very casual and last minute that way, so it would depend on who was doing it and if they are only doing it to me or to everyone. quote: Not with other men, but sometimes with women. It's not as bad as it once was, but it is still there. Okay, this helps. I'm female [sm=redhairsmile.gif] and friendly and I have noticed some shy men get extra shy around me. I'll try to be more careful.

Rasico -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 1:18:11 AM)
Well I'm only 20, but like 2 years ago I was like in the exact same position as you. I had no friends, no relationships, just school and my parents/younger brother. Nothing terribly close, and I couldn't keep a conversation to save my life. For a long time I just didn't care, but of course all of us want to interact with people, especially believers, its what we're made to do!! So of course I was a total social failure, but I made friends who didn't care, and were perhaps as weird as me, just all in very different ways, its really quite beautiful how that works [:D] I did have a slight advantage since I was saved in College, and there was a fellowship on my campus. The trick is to join a fellowship, churches have them and its a great way to make new friends! Trust me, all of us who love the Lord are pretty much completely nuts. I have an excellent friend your age who acts like hes 12 around us, but can be very very wise and mature when called for. Don't be afraid to break age barriers! My Church is filled with a wide variety of ages, and we have some awesome fellowship together. This is where all my believing friends come from, and the Lord will bring you close to people he wants you to spread the Gospel too :). Prayer is key! So is thinking about what Love is, being patient, etc. etc. I'm sure you know all that already! What works well for developing close relationships is honesty, and kindness and joy! People love Honest Kind and Joyful people, and many will return it in Kind. The best part about being a Christian, theres whole groups of us everywhere who just love everyone so finding sweet fellowship is actually quite simple if you're willing to go to a couple churches and try :). I wish you luck!

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 1:20:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crankius Thanks for answering my questions. I have a few more, just because I am curious. [:D] Were you social when you were a little kid? Did your parents talk with you lots, interact with you, discuss at the dinner table, etc.? quote: I suppose I should feel blessed to be asked, but I can't help that gnawing feeling that it's just an after thought. Am I off base? I would feel that way too. It would be awkward. However, I think some people just function very casual and last minute that way, so it would depend on who was doing it and if they are only doing it to me or to everyone. quote: Not with other men, but sometimes with women. It's not as bad as it once was, but it is still there. Okay, this helps. I'm female [sm=redhairsmile.gif] and friendly and I have noticed some shy men get extra shy around me. I'll try to be more careful. From what everyone who knows me and tells me I was extremely social and outgoing until I was about 12 years old. I don't honestly remember enough to agree or disagree. Not really as a family. My dad was an alcoholic so was rarely there. Sometimes he and I would talk on the way to the bar after which I had the pleasure of watching him drink for 3 or 4 hours and then drive us home... It was a different era, don't ask lol. Seriously though the only time I recall him ever wanting to talk was when he was drinking. Then he became a great philosopher or so he thought. As far as my mom went she tried, but little boys need men not mommas to talk with. It's part of developing as a man and she tried to fill both roles of mother and father which left everyone really frustrated. They're not at all spur of the moment type people. They plan things out to the last detail. If they were spur of the moment I wouldn't mind at all. I'm very spur of the moment myself. I just know they're not. I'm not a big believer in tiptoeing around to make everyone else comfortable. As much as I'm uncomfortable in relationship situations I'd never ask nor expect others to adjust themselves to suit my needs. I can't speak for others but I'd say don't be more careful, just be yourself and people like myself will either come around or we won't.

Kat_D -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 10:07:04 AM)
Hi Pure (I'll leave the "evil" part off, because since you are now a believer, through Christ you are no longer evil in God's eyes)![;)] I found this post of your's from last year where you speak of getting saved: quote: I don't remember the exact date. Sometime last August. All I remember was sitting there in front of the computer watching a Slayer video for the song "Bloodline", and smoking pot. All of a sudden I had to seek God. It was like night and day in the blink of an eye. You say you were social until the age of twelve. May I ask when you started smoking pot and spending your time watching Slayer type videos on the computer?

evryknee -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 11:21:30 AM)
A lot of good posts - I just have slight different spin - The anxiety of people, in my opinion, seems to be more of a "Fear of man" issue. You are probably afraid of what they say & think of you and this matters more than anything - to the point of inaction. I'd suggest you focus primarily on your own worth & identity in Christ. His thoughts of you, His words for you, His love for you, His choosing you, His actions for you on the cross trumps what man (or woman) may say about you. May I suggest a few resources to help you in this: The Search for Significance (Robert McGee), When People Are Big & God is Small (Ed Welch), Running Scared: Fear, Worry, & The God of Rest (Ed Welch), Relationships: A Mess Worth Making (Paul Tripp/Tim Lane).

crankius -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 11:43:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YZGUY The anxiety of people, in my opinion, seems to be more of a "Fear of man" issue. That is an excellent point.

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 3:03:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kat_D Hi Pure (I'll leave the "evil" part off, because since you are now a believer, through Christ you are no longer evil in God's eyes)![;)] I found this post of your's from last year where you speak of getting saved: quote: I don't remember the exact date. Sometime last August. All I remember was sitting there in front of the computer watching a Slayer video for the song "Bloodline", and smoking pot. All of a sudden I had to seek God. It was like night and day in the blink of an eye. You say you were social until the age of twelve. May I ask when you started smoking pot and spending your time watching Slayer type videos on the computer? I've always liked darker type music from as long back as I can remember. Not necessarily metal, but just more "depressing". Hank Williams Sr., Black Sabbath, etc. I've also had an interest in horror movies as far back as I can remember. At least from the age of 5 when I distinctly recall watching Friday the 13th II. As far as smoking pot up until maybe 2 months (possibly 3) before I was saved I had never touched the stuff.

pureevil -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 3:05:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YZGUY A lot of good posts - I just have slight different spin - The anxiety of people, in my opinion, seems to be more of a "Fear of man" issue. You are probably afraid of what they say & think of you and this matters more than anything - to the point of inaction. I'd suggest you focus primarily on your own worth & identity in Christ. His thoughts of you, His words for you, His love for you, His choosing you, His actions for you on the cross trumps what man (or woman) may say about you. May I suggest a few resources to help you in this: The Search for Significance (Robert McGee), When People Are Big & God is Small (Ed Welch), Running Scared: Fear, Worry, & The God of Rest (Ed Welch), Relationships: A Mess Worth Making (Paul Tripp/Tim Lane). I think you are 100% correct. There's a huge fear of man in me. And for the life of me I don't understand why. I'm full aware that there is nothing in man that I need fear.

Elena1030 -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 4:52:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YZGUY A lot of good posts - I just have slight different spin - The anxiety of people, in my opinion, seems to be more of a "Fear of man" issue. You are probably afraid of what they say & think of you and this matters more than anything - to the point of inaction. I'd suggest you focus primarily on your own worth & identity in Christ. His thoughts of you, His words for you, His love for you, His choosing you, His actions for you on the cross trumps what man (or woman) may say about you. I agree with this assessment. Also... what helped me is the truth that we aren't empty love tanks. Our need isn't to be loved but to love others. And that is a truth I learned by reading the book highlighted in red below. quote: May I suggest a few resources to help you in this: The Search for Significance (Robert McGee), When People Are Big & God Is Small (Ed Welch), Running Scared: Fear, Worry, & The God of Rest (Ed Welch), Relationships: A Mess Worth Making (Paul Tripp/Tim Lane). I have the first three in your list. Have read the 2nd one. Very, very helpful. Pure, I so appreciate your saying that you don't expect others to adjust to you. Already God is honing your servant-heartedness. Praising Him for His steadfastedness to us!!! And thanking Him for being such a skilled, wise Teacher for us, One who never gives up on us (Philippians 1:6). And... some anti-anxiety medication or an antidepressant would aid in stopping the emotional roller coaster that helps impede right thinking when you are in what are now stressful situations (group social setttings). My meds have helped me be more even-keeled and then I was more in a right mind to be able to cooperate with God as He shed light on the thought patterns that led to and fed my fear of man. Blessings as you seek Him and are conformed to His likeness!!! (Matt. 6:33; Romans 12:1-2)

Elena1030 -> RE: Relationships, blah. I could use some help (6/6/2008 5:04:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pureevil quote: ORIGINAL: YZGUY A lot of good posts - I just have slight different spin - The anxiety of people, in my opinion, seems to be more of a "Fear of man" issue. You are probably afraid of what they say & think of you and this matters more than anything - to the point of inaction. I'd suggest you focus primarily on your own worth & identity in Christ. His thoughts of you, His words for you, His love for you, His choosing you, His actions for you on the cross trumps what man (or woman) may say about you. May I suggest a few resources to help you in this: The Search for Significance (Robert McGee), When People Are Big & God is Small (Ed Welch), Running Scared: Fear, Worry, & The God of Rest (Ed Welch), Relationships: A Mess Worth Making (Paul Tripp/Tim Lane). I think you are 100% correct. There's a huge fear of man in me. And for the life of me I don't understand why. I'm full aware that there is nothing in man that I need fear. Fear of man is part of the flesh nature. How that fear manifests itself in each person varies from person to person. Part of the process for you might be that God will show you how what you have experienced in life has colored your "lens" and then how you view subsequent experiences through that lens. He will show you why you "fear" humans (that is, holding them in awe, looking to them to define you and your worth) and how you are worshiping them instead of Him. And He will show you the truths of the Truth (John 8:32; John 14:6), setting you free from lies. Your truth (your experiences, past and present) + God's Truth = freedom (hat tip to Breaking Free,* by Beth Moore) It's a process --- to see what thoughts and reactions you've had and how those thoughts have built up into values, beliefs, opinions, goals, expectations, assumptions, prejudices; and then to "pull up" those (like pulling up weeds and digging up those stubborn roots) and then "plant" biblical truths in their place. And it's a battle ... read 2 Corinthians 10:4-6 and Ephesians 6:10-18. May the harvest of God's work in your life be much fruit that elicits the praise of His people to Him ... and the recognition of Him as the one true God, Savior of all people, and Lord of every nation, by those who yet do not know Him. [sm=praying.gif][sm=icon_smile_fish.gif]

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