Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (Full Version)

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Homegrownkids -> Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 10:03:45 AM)

I am curious if you let your children do the msn, or yahoo instant messenging? Do you let them have email? How do you control this, so that your children don't meet a predator? What are some of the rules you have?

Also, do you let them go to Youtube?

My children are 10,12, and 13. I just get concerned when they talk to a "friend of a friend".



IonMoon -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 10:11:02 AM)

Yes. They have been allowed for years... they are 19 & 16 (well, technically I no longer "allow" the older to do anything!).

When they were younger, the rule was only talk to people YOU know in real life (no FOAF). When we believed they were old enough to be smart about it and understood the dangers, we started allowing them to talk to whoever, but they are not allowed to give ANY kind of personal info, and are instructed to lie about identifying stuff like where they are from, etc.

We also keep the computers in common areas and often peek over the shoulders. We have installed tracking software so that we can go back and look at their texts. Knowing this makes them guard their words, even if we don't often check.

Tara P



IonMoon -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 10:13:07 AM)

Oh- YouTube... My kids do use YouTube, but at the ages of 10-13 I would not allow it. They WILL encounter R rated material on YouTube.

I take that back, I would allow them to use it under direct supervision of an adult.

Tara P



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 10:17:59 AM)

We have AOL. I love it because it has very good parental controls. If anything it seems to be too restrictive. But when the boys find a site that they want to go to, they can send me an email and I can approve it.

Yes, the do instant messaging-I believe I have their accounts set so that they can only IM with people in their address book, so a stranger couldn't IM them.

They may only use YouTube when I am there.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 10:26:21 AM)

Mine are 11 (will be 12 next month) and 8 and my oldest is allowed to IM people but only people I know of and approve. He's not allowed to close any doors (the computer at my parents house is in an office) when he's online. As far as youtube videos go, he's allowed to watch them when I'm around but I'm starting to find out that he watches them at friends houses so I really need to see about having that curbed.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 10:59:28 AM)

My oldest is 8. He hasn't asked to be able to IM yet, but I would only let him IM with someone that I knew and approved. I would also save conversations and make sure he knew I would do so and might look through them at any time. These will probably be the same rules until he is an older teen (16??) and has demonstrated responsibility enough to be let loose a little bit.

Our computer is in our livingroom and will remain there, where my husband and I can keep a close eye on whatever is going on on it.



Auben -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 11:17:13 AM)

We are a tech saavy household since my husband works with software.

Boys are only allowed to IM with relatives and we always start the discussion for them.
They don't have their own email and probably won't until my oldest is closer to his teens.
Internet only under direct supervision. I'm more relaxed if they only use their Favorites list (which I approved). A parent has to be watching the screen any time they type in a new address.
Youtube only under direct supervision.
Computer games only after chores are done. Game must be approved.

A recent addition is that my husband set up a Twitter account for them. It's kind of like a mini-blog where you can put down random sentences about what you are doing each day. So now 'barf' can write about his/their activities each day. My husband and his cousins (who are also on Twitter) subscribe to 'barf's' account and read about their day.



Karaboo2 -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 11:33:26 AM)

Mine are 7, 5, 2, and 1 right now, so it's kind of a non-issue at this point. We do, however, have a webcam, and once a week we make a date with my MIL for the kids to have "Nana-cam" time via MSN. Dd (age 7) is the only one who really reads well, so while Nana is verbally talking with the younger three, dd and she will message back and forth (dd is obviously a LOT slower than Nana at typing, though ... so 9 times out of 10 Nana will type a question and dd will just verbally respond.)

The kids each have their own email account, which we set up through Hotmail, and it is only for sending messages back and forth to Nana. (They get a weekly e-card from her). The kids don't know how to use email themselves, so everything is done with our direct supervision and help.

Once they are nearing their teen years, then we will re-evaluate our stance on the internet ... in the meantime, this works for us.



garsyt -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 11:34:00 AM)

My 10 and 14 year olds have their own e-mail accounts but only my eldest has instant messaging. He has a limited account set up only to talk to friends and relatives we know in real life. My eldest two also have blogs that are unlisted and open only to people we invite to view them. We also have to approve ANY and ALL messages and comments sent to their blogs. My hubby and I monitor their computer use all the time as their computer is in the living area and can look over shoulders all the time. Our eldest has a laptop but as I've said, we monitor his usage and just recently set him up with IM capabilities.

Blessings,

Garsy



paul_j_preston -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 12:13:58 PM)

Yes, they can use email and IM. But they can only email family or friends that I know. They also use email sometimes for school work. As for ground rules: they have a limit on how much time they can be on the computer; they can not close the door to the study; I approved their profiles and check them from time to time; they can not post their email address or IM nickname online. It is a good idea to know how to check activity on your computer just to be on the safe side. Your kids will be able to IM from any computer, so they may be chatting when over at friends' houses. Make sure their chat activity will be monitored when at friends' houses. As always, you have to know your kids' friends and their parents.

Youtube has some very useful videos for school, but it is easy to stumble on inappropriate material. So mine use Youtube only under direct supervision. Be in the room and help your kids search. Watch the videos they watch. Stop videos that are inappropriate.

Good luck



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 1:18:18 PM)

my kids (all of them) have an email account set up...they share it. The name is only given to a select few individuals (grandparents, family friends, etc) who will want to send the kids things...like birthday wishes or a note saying hi. I am the one that signs them in though and they don't know the password or the email address to give out to anyone. Mostly it's just to introduce them to the world of the internet without them having much control over it right now.

youtube....the only stuff they ever see from there are things we find and have seen that we think they would like...we will either email them a link for later or will call them into the room right then to watch it. They don't "surf" around anywhere yet. There are a few select kids games sites that they can go to, and that's it



Homegrownkids -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 2:02:03 PM)

I feel like my daughter (13) has too much control over things. I know she has IM's from friends of friends. I'd like her to get these off, but I know she is already so mad. I told her some rules and she was upset that I read her mail once in a while. She has way too much control here, I tried to explain to her that it is no different than if I let her go hang out with friends... I would want to check in, or have her check in and I would need to know them. I don't know if she fully understands.

I have been upset lately, it seems like the world has way too many things to pull our kids away from us. I know a lot of worldly attitude is coming from the computer. I know I need to put a stop to it and be more strict with the time limit and stuff... but I feel sorry for her. She doesn't have a lot of friends close by to play with during the day. Most families are so busy that it is hard to find friends for her. And, recently, she has become so picky with who she wants to hang out with. She tends to like the "popular type", or ones that dress a certain way. I don't want this to turn into a battle....



manda59 -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 2:45:54 PM)

Mine (18 and 14) both have email addresses - I know the passwords. Well I did know them, I haven't accessed my son's since he turned 18, and don't plan to. But before he was 18, I did, from time to time. I know my daughter's and she will often ask me to check her email for her if I am on here. I told my children from the start that though I would not be reading their emails every day, I would be from time to time, and they got their accounts on that basis. Same with their phones.

Neither have IM. My son never asked to have it, so it wasn't offered [;)]. My daughter talked about it with me, but she noticed that with MSN, the preferred IM amongst her friends and peers, there was a lot of gossip and a lot of nastiness that went on in the conversations, so she decided to get me to tell her she wasn't allowed to have it. [;)] It was just as well, because at one time someone signed on as my daughter and said some pretty nasty things about someone, ie they impersonated her. Because she didn't have MSN, she was completely exonerated; the school helped out here, and managed to find out who the likely culprit was, and all the trouble stopped. But it was enough to reinforce to my daughter that it really wasn't a good idea.

My son has Facebook, and has had that since he was 18; my daughter has Bebo and also Facebook, which she has only got in the last couple of months. I have the passwords to both, and she asks me before she adds someone or before she approves someone who wants to add her. Her profile on each one is set to "private", so no random people can see her details. My son regularly shows us things on his Facebook, and has no problem if he leaves it logged in and we read it.



Roberta_ -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 2:59:53 PM)

I read my dd's e-mail all the time. She's 15.

However, she lost her Internet privileges for the summer because she got caught sneaking on once when she thought everyone was asleep. It was her second offense. I take the cable to bed with me now.

She has a Go phone. It's my old phone. She has to pay to have it activated. She has to earn the money to pay for it. That gets turned into me every night at 9 pm.



paul_j_preston -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 3:00:50 PM)

Homegrownkids, it is always good to avoid battles, but you do need to lay down rules for computer use and make sure the kids stick to them. All of the computer technology is with us to stay. It has brought good, but like all technology, it has drawbacks. So you need to let her use email and IM but get more control over it. You are right, you do need to check up on your kids both in the real world and the virtual world. That may mean reading mail; seeing who is on friends lists; checking profiles. Try to explain that kids her age are pulled in a lot of different directions: you want to protect her and make sure she stays on the right path.

As for her not having friends close during the day, are there group activities she can participate in? Something like a karate class or painting group. Whatever she likes to do. Also take this as a chance to talk (not preach) to her about choosing friends. Mention some potential friends and if she says, I don't like the way that girl dresses, ask her what good qualities the girl has. Help her to see that almost everyone has something to offer.

I probably have not told you anything you don't already know. It sounds like you know what you want to do--get control over the computer. You just need to stay the course and do what is best for you kids in the long run.



Roberta_ -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 3:06:22 PM)

Oh, Liz did have a MySpace. However this mama bear saw a picture of her baby bear who was way too bare and closed out that account. That was about a year ago.



manda59 -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 3:10:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Homegrownkids
I feel like my daughter (13) has too much control over things. I know she has IM's from friends of friends. I'd like her to get these off, but I know she is already so mad. I told her some rules and she was upset that I read her mail once in a while. She has way too much control here, I tried to explain to her that it is no different than if I let her go hang out with friends... I would want to check in, or have her check in and I would need to know them. I don't know if she fully understands.


Whoa!

I suggest you say that she can only keep the IM if you have the password; same with the email. I also suggest that the computer is kept in an "open" area, where anyone can pass by, where her internet activities are on full view, and that she earns her time on the computer, that it is regarded as a privilege, not as a right. I'd suggest you regularly check the message archive from her IM, just to make sure.

If she doesn't want to be this open, then IMO she shouldn't be allowed the privilege of IM and email.

She doesn't have to understand, she just needs to know that you're doing this for her protection.

IMO it's a worry that she was upset that you read her mail. If she has nothing to hide, there should be no problem. The danger is that by having these private conversations she is entering into a world where you have no input; she is effectively bonding to these people in a closer way than she is bonding with you, and will likely be more easily influenced by them than by you.



Roberta_ -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 3:16:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59
She doesn't have to understand, she just needs to know that you're doing this for her protection.


You've been eavesdropping on conversations with my dd and I.

quote:

IMO it's a worry that she was upset that you read her mail. If she has nothing to hide, there should be no problem. The danger is that by having these private conversations she is entering into a world where you have no input; she is effectively bonding to these people in a closer way than she is bonding with you, and will likely be more easily influenced by them than by you.


When Liz tried to pull that with me, I didn't like it and it was an uphill battle. I often wondered if it was worth the fight. I never thought about the part of your post that I bolded. After reading that, I know the fight was well worth it. Thanks Manda!



Focusing -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 4:09:13 PM)

My son is 12. No IM or email for him. If someone wants to email him some information, they may use my email account.

I do allow him to go to YouTube ... but his interests tend to be focused on how to do tricks with his Tech Decks and yoyo.

No texting on the cell either. Cell phone rules are that it's mainly for calls to/from his dad (who lives in another state), he may call family members, and he uses it when he goes on trips with his uncle to call me.

The rules have been pretty ingrained, and I haven't had any problems with him feeling a need to push the boundaries. I sure hope it stays this way as he enters his teen years.



Karaboo2 -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 5:37:05 PM)

Hey all ... somewhat related to this topic, I've started another thread in Parenting because Cdn Courts have decided that a father was in the wrong for forbidding his 12 year old to go on a school trip because she violated the household internet rules ... weigh in on that story if you would like!!



kohls356 -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/18/2008 6:00:54 PM)

My kids have email accounts, instant messenger, facebook, and myspace. When they were younger they used to be on IM quite a bit but they don't use it now at all. I don't think they use their email much either. They do get on their facebook and myspace but what they do most is texting. It seems that took the place of their IMing.



zoebob -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/19/2008 9:47:15 AM)

My kids all have their own logins on the computer and their own emails. They can put up their own wall paper that I approve of. They know that I may read their emails at any time. They go to websites like clubpenguin and cereal companies to play their games. They know not to open an email if they don't know who it is from.

They mostly get emails from their grandparents or their dad. Oh, and DS gets emails from Donna's son



artemis -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/19/2008 9:51:55 AM)

Parents beware... 11 years ago, my husband asked me out over IMs [8D] Fortunately, he proposed in person [;)]



IonMoon -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/19/2008 10:05:05 AM)

Homegrownkids...

My kids understand that in order to have the privelege of AIM/email/internet use (and they have relative freedom in that use), they must exchange their right to privacy.

IOW- they have a choice of 1) use those items but know that I have the right (responsibility) to read anything at any time OR 2) not use them.

They don't have to understand or agree.

There are certain things that I, as a parent, MUST give my children--food, water, shelter, basic clothing, basic health care. Everything else I am granting them out of generosity.

Tara P



PrincessDonna -> RE: Do you let your children do Instant Messenging? (6/19/2008 10:08:12 AM)

quote:

Oh, and DS gets emails from Donna's son


LOL...whenever Noah remembers that he HAS email.[8D]

We are raising our kids without the expectation of privacy on the computer. I personally don't think adults need complete privacy on the computer. There are too many dangers and it is our job as parents to keep our kids to a high standards. Even my husband and I expect that the other will check the history and read whatever has been typed by the other in any form...email, IM, forums, etc. Why would I expect less from my children than I expect from my husband?



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