13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (Full Version)

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Annie64 -> 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/22/2008 4:40:28 AM)

I have a question I'm dealing with. My 13-year-old son has expressed that he wants to go back to homeschooling as opposed to going back to his Christian school because he "can't be himself with his friends," or they "will think he is a 'nerd.'" On further questioning,(and because we know our son), it became clear that, while he may be hanging around some of the wrong people, the problem is more with himself, and how he sees himself. When he is confident, he is a great person to be around, funny and friendly and smart. But more often than not, he is very shy, and would rather hide who he is, rather than let the world see him and possibly disapprove. He's a whole lot like somebody else I know was at that age--namely, me.

Because I was that way, I know that to tell a 13-year old he should have more confidence, that he is actually as capable and acceptable as anyone else, is like water off a duck's back. I really don't think going back to homeschooling for that reason is a good one. I think this is something he's going to have to face. Homeschooling is good for a lot of things. Hiding from yourself is not one of them. When we were homeschooling before, we made sure the kids had a social life. We don't do it to keep them away from people.

For a while, it looked like my husband's job may be going overseas, and the one he has still is, but he may be getting another, safer one, within the same company. If he gets it, we plan on re-enrolling our kids in their Christian school for next year, and if not, we will return to homeschooling for financial reasons. Ironically, because we've homeschooled before, if he goes back to homeschooling he will have friends he can be with, just not as often. Friends he will bring over, though he never brought any over from the private school. Either way, I really need to know something that will help boost his confidence, or help him get through this. I think it's been building for a long time, really. I'd at least like to ask people to pray for him.

The reason I'm putting this in the parenting folder rather than one of the school folders is because I see it as more about how to help him develop confidence wherever he finds himself than just about school. Does anyone have any ideas?

He does have two big interests; music and dogs. But he dropped out of 4-H dog obedience a year ago, after I had to push him to finish the year, because he didn't have a close friend in the group. He'd been really enjoying it and the dog was really good at it too and so he'd had some success. But he refused to make friends with the kids in the group. Most of them were girls, and the only other boy was quite a bit older than him. But they were friendly and really tried to draw him into the group. He just wouldn't be part of it, and that was his own fault. I'd like him to go back, but he's not too interested. He's not atheletic, so for him to join a sports team, especially as old as he is to be beginning, would be to make him feel even more like a failure and different from others.

One of his biggest problems is that he is so short. For most of the time in his childhood, his height was so low it was literally off the chart--the charts that plot height and weight by age. He's always been very sensitive about that. Adults have tried to encourage him by saying he'd hit a growth spurt and catch up, but that isn't going to happen. He's had growth spurts, but they didn't catch him up to his peers. My husband is 5'3" and my son isn't going to end up a lot taller than that. I haven't measured him lately, but we think he's finally reached five feet, now, at age 13 and a half, because he was finally taller than his 4'11" grandmother when she visited us recently.

Sorry for the novel. If you've made it through reading it, has anybody else been there with their kids? Does anybody have any tried and proven ideas on building confidence in young adolescents?



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/22/2008 11:17:14 AM)

My 12 year old complains of this phenomenon at youth group and such (he is homeschooled). He does not change to fit the group--he's the same person there that he is at home. However, because of his refusal to strive to be like everyone else, many of the other kids are rude, ignore him, or are cruel.

It isn't going to be any better at a private school, I am afraid, and if your son has not gotten to the point where he can let it all roll off his back, then I would say home is the best place for him. He seems to feel the same way.



Ellie-Mae -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/22/2008 11:31:28 AM)

My ounger brother also had a hard time socially. After my mom started homeschooling he finally started to improve, because she was able to walk him through situations and work with him until he could stand on his own more. My brother was terribly overwhelmed with too much "socialization" when he was in school and didn't have any friends.

Maybe you could work out a deal where you will homeschool, if he will work with you to improve his social skills. Assure him that you will help him through it.

Also, Maybe making a pen pal might help him to learn how to be himself. He won't have to worry about how he looks.



iluvatar -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/22/2008 4:04:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Annie64

He does have two big interests; music and dogs. But he dropped out of 4-H dog obedience a year ago, after I had to push him to finish the year, because he didn't have a close friend in the group. He'd been really enjoying it and the dog was really good at it too and so he'd had some success. But he refused to make friends with the kids in the group. Most of them were girls, and the only other boy was quite a bit older than him. But they were friendly and really tried to draw him into the group. He just wouldn't be part of it, and that was his own fault. I'd like him to go back, but he's not too interested. He's not atheletic, so for him to join a sports team, especially as old as he is to be beginning, would be to make him feel even more like a failure and different from others.


What about something music related? Public music schools often have ensemble classes; I've seen music stores that offer lessons group their students into bands for recitals.

And his height isn't a disadvantage for playing instruments (actually, it may be an advantage) - you wouldn't believe how many rock stars are short.

-Dan.



stateofgrace -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/22/2008 8:08:08 PM)

Annie64, I encourage you to keep an eye on the short statue over the next year or two, especially if there's also delayed puberty involved.

My nephew had that problem, and for years the doctor didn't take it seriously because he was still showing growth. Finally when he was 16 1/2 and only 4 ft. 8 in. the parents pushed for testing. Turns out his pituitary gland was only working at about 30% of what it should be. They've given him human growth hormone, and he has grown to 5 ft. 3 in., and may get to 5 ft. 6 in....and has finally hit puberty at almost 18. Right now they're racing against time as far as the growth because at a certain point it just won't happen any more. This boy's younger brother is like 6 ft. 2 in.!

Imagine how this kid must have felt all these years! Although he's also got Asperger's Syndrome so maybe he didn't pick up on things as much as another kid would have.



Annie64 -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/23/2008 1:55:06 AM)

Thanks for the comments. And yes, I know his music interest is the thing to cultivate now. If we homeschool next year, he will probably get keyboard lessons. His older brother has been teaching him to play guitar. He hasn't found a way at school yet to use his music interest. For reasons beyond the scope of this thread, we don't feel that public school is an option. We're also trying to cultivate his friendship with the pastor's son. They were close when my son was in 6th grade and homeschooled, but because the pastor's son is a year and a half younger than my son, he didn't move up to teens when my son did, and then my son went to school (pastor's son is also homeschooled) so their friendship sort of lagged. We're taking him swimming with my son later this week. The biggest thing my son needs is a friend he can be himself with. I wish he had one his age, and the school apparently didn't provide him one last year. As I'm thinking about it, I think that really is his biggest need. He had a friend in the neighborhood who moved to Kentucky, and wasn't the best kind of a friend anyway. He's always been highly social, always wanting to be with his friends, but going to a new school in seventh grade just made things difficult. He made friends, but not one he felt comfortable enough around to really be himself. And without close friends he has suffered, because of how he is oriented. No wonder his self-esteem suffered!

As for the height thing, we expected a delayed puberty because he was diagnosed when he was 3 with a developmental growth delay, but his voice has already changed, so we're not worried about that anymore. He just got his dad's genes and is going to be short.



iluvatar -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/23/2008 9:15:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Annie64

For reasons beyond the scope of this thread, we don't feel that public school is an option.


Actually, what I meant by "public music schools" was not regular public schools, but an organization that focuses on only music and the arts, for example: either community arts organizations or a private music school.

-Dan.



Annie64 -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/26/2008 11:42:31 PM)

Thanks for the clarification, Iluvatar. If he goes back to homeschool, we do plan on getting him some private music lessons.



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/28/2008 7:03:56 PM)

I don't know where you live but here in CA we have public schools that are magnet programs. My 13 year old attends a performing arts school. She is active in choir and has been since 3rd. grade. It has really helped her blossom. There will always be bullies and kids that make fun. But if your had the opportunity to be in a group type activity it might really help his self esteem.



Auben -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/29/2008 5:23:30 PM)

I think parents also need to realize that with some personalities it also takes some time to find someone with whom you can be completely yourself. Some people don't make acquaintance-type friends very easily or enjoy that kind of friendship.

I didn't really find people I felt completely myself with until college. And college helped me take my other friendships deeper as I learned more about myself and about other people.

It may be worth it to talk to him (or have his father talk to him) about what he wants out of a friendship so he can think about his expectations and what he thinks friendship is. What the ultimate friend would be like. How we accept people as being less than perfect friends. Giving people a chance to be our friend (at least on an acquaintance level).

There's not much you can do to speed this process up other than encourage all of his interests which take him into a social setting, especially smaller groups where he can find himself. And encouraging him, loving him, reaffirming him.

Love, time, and practice are the best tutors.



sen10tious -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/29/2008 5:49:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Annie64

Ironically, because we've homeschooled before, if he goes back to homeschooling he will have friends he can be with, just not as often.


Major piece of information missing here:
Are you saying he had a friend(s) when you homeschooled? Why can’t he bring over these homeschooled friends now? This week? Why can’t he see his old friend once or twice a month? A friend is a friend even if they go to different schools.


(BTW, I would not label it as being “his own fault” when a 13 year-old boy is reluctant to socialize with a nearly all-girl 4-H club. My daughter had a reverse situation with a riflery club. She was a crack shot, but the “socialization” was too stressful.)



Annie64 -> RE: 13-year-old says he can't be himself with his school friends (6/30/2008 1:03:26 AM)

You're right, he can still socialize with his homeschool friends, one in particular, because he is our pastor's son. And this summer we're making sure that happens. But his problem is the thought of going back and spending all that time with those friends that he says he can't be himself with.

One major reason that this is a problem is that he feels he can't be as smart as he really is. If he makes too good of grades, his friends think he's a "nerd." And last year, his grades weren't that good. He insists he didn't do this on purpose, but his grades were worse last year than they've ever been before. I'd like to see him go back to the school and make different friends, but he doesn't want to go back at all.

I liked the idea of talking with him about his idea of friendship and what he expects out of a friendship. That was a very good suggestion and I think I'll try that.



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