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in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 4:08:18 PM
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buttercup75371
Posts: 2
Joined: 8/6/2008
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okay.. I'm 20 years old and I've been married for 3 in a half years. Ever since I got married I felt like it was a mistake.. when I was dating him, he was great, but it all changed when we became married. First he was verbally and physically abusive for the first year in a half-- that was a really hard time for me. We haven't argued very much for the past year, but neither one of us is happy with our marriage. Things I'm having problems with is if I do something on accident he rubs it in my face until I feel like I'm the worst person on earth and yesterday he told me the reason he never will tell me that I'm beautiful is because he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I'm happy he was honest but it hurts to hear that especially since I dont think I'm fat or ugly. I'm a little bit chubby, but I'm happy with myself and happy being me.. I also don't have any friends because when I got married he made me get rid of all my friends because he was jealous.. I was young and wanted to be with him so I did what he wanted. last thing I wanna say is I've prayed a lot and I know that God that wants me to be with my husband, but I'm having a hard time because I don't want to be with him anymore. Does anyone have any advice or encouragement?
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 4:21:17 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6282
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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Do you attend church?
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 4:30:49 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10985
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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You both need to mature and hopefully will do that under the guidance of a biblical teacher.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 4:54:40 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 411
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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If you don't already go to church, you should start. This will give you a support system in addition to a good Bible class and Biblical teaching. Also join the women's group. You need to have women friends. Don't let your husband bully you about this. It is not healthy to go through life with no friends.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 5:29:33 PM
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CheshireMuse
Posts: 90
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buttercup75371
okay.. I'm 20 years old and I've been married for 3 in a half years. Ever since I got married I felt like it was a mistake.. when I was dating him, he was great, but it all changed when we became married. First he was verbally and physically abusive for the first year in a half-- that was a really hard time for me. We haven't argued very much for the past year, but neither one of us is happy with our marriage. Things I'm having problems with is if I do something on accident he rubs it in my face until I feel like I'm the worst person on earth and yesterday he told me the reason he never will tell me that I'm beautiful is because he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I'm happy he was honest but it hurts to hear that especially since I dont think I'm fat or ugly. I'm a little bit chubby, but I'm happy with myself and happy being me.. I also don't have any friends because when I got married he made me get rid of all my friends because he was jealous.. I was young and wanted to be with him so I did what he wanted. last thing I wanna say is I've prayed a lot and I know that God that wants me to be with my husband, but I'm having a hard time because I don't want to be with him anymore. Does anyone have any advice or encouragement?
Honey, you are being abused. And it's not right. God may hate divorce, but I do not believe He expects a wife to be a punching bag for her husband.
Get somewhere safe... please.... look into some counseling for yourself... find a good solid church...
I'm praying for you...
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 5:48:34 PM
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huckfinn327
Posts: 312
Joined: 1/30/2007
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Dear Young Lady,
At least you are trying to get some help ... and I recommend that you find a good evangelist ... some one to lead you to the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ ... or some one to help you in the Lord if you are "saved" alredy. Your marriage is a wonderful thing in God's eyes and I'm sure God wants you and your husband to be saved and to be happy together. Don't give up ... you are doing the right thing by trying to save your marriage.
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. (Jn. 3:16))
Huckfinn
_____________________________
NO-REMARRIAGE-THIS-SIDE-OF-DEATH .... JESUS TAUGHT CREATION MARRIAGE
www.jesusremarriagekeller.com
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 6:47:44 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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Girl, I was married to a man for 17 yrs who was verbally and mentally abusivie to me. PLEASE end this marriage. I never tell anyone to stay in a marriage with abuse involved.
I didn't know what was wrong for 15 yrs - and it was only thru other people's experience online that I even learned about verbal abuse. Once I started reading about the signs I knew I could not stay in the marriage. Please do not suffer like I did. You are young, you don't have to stay. Get out while you can. He will not change, he will get worse. You cannot change him. He will do whatever he needs to keep control. First it might be verbal, but many times this leads to physical abuse.
Get out the book Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans. If he has the signs of an abuser after you read this book - get out. Don't stay. Believe me things will get worse. I had one child with him. I stayed longer then I should have because he threatened to take my child if I walked out. My son was 12 yrs old when the marriage ended. IMO my son saw and heard far too much that was not good.
I will pray for you that you get out of this situation now.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 9:42:35 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 531
Joined: 7/25/2007
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Things I'm having problems with is if I do something on accident he rubs it in my face until I feel like I'm the worst person on earth and yesterday he told me the reason he never will tell me that I'm beautiful is because he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I'm happy he was honest but it hurts to hear that especially since I dont think I'm fat or ugly.
Hon he wasn't honest with you, he was trying to hurt you with his words.
Thats what abusers do, they control with their words or their fists.
I certainly don't think this is hopeless but I do think you have to learn how to deal with living with a man who is abusing you. As you get healthier you will be able to stand up to him and not let him treat you so badly. No one deserves to be treated like this but you have to get healthy so you can see that you don't deserve this either.
If you have a pastor please go to him you'll be surprised how much help there is out there and how many people will come along beside you and hold you and your husband up in prayer. God bless you and your husband.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/6/2008 10:36:44 PM
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keepitreal
Posts: 74
Joined: 12/21/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: huckfinn327
Your marriage is a wonderful thing in God's eyes
Huckfinn
An abusive marriage is NOT a wonderful thing in God's eyes, and I find it a gross representation of God to say that it is.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/8/2008 9:16:10 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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I agree with you 100%. My husband saw the results of his mother staying with an abusive spouse "because the Bible/God hates divorce" My MIL has no self esteem, people walk all over her, she cannot do things by herself. Her husband passed away about 10-15 yrs ago, and she never got counseling or anything.
My husband left home for good when he was 16 because he could not stand the abuse to himself (physical/verbal) and his mother. He too does NOT recommend anyone stay in an abusive marriage.
IMO those of you who are saying to "stay" have never experienced abuse or the consequences of staying.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/9/2008 12:00:49 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1893
Joined: 9/26/2007
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I agree with the responses here that say this is an abusive marriage - because it has some of the hallmarks of typical abuse:
- a guy who is nice until the girl is "stuck" with him and then turns abusive
- a wife who is unable to fight off an abusive husband because she is very young and naive, or small, or easily intimidated, or easily made to feel guilty for his selfishness
- violence escalates from verbal to physical over a period of time. If the wife allows it to continue (doesn't leave or call the police and report it, and doesn't verbally say "this isn't right and I won't take it") it might escalate to death
- the abuse may follow a pattern of building tension in the husband who explodes, beats the wife, and then life returns to "normal" and he might be extra solicitous. For a while. Then the tensions starts building and again he looks for an excuse to explode. Repeat over and over
- the husband isolates his wife either physically (she must stay in the house or he moves her to a place where there are no other people or people she doesn't know) or emotionally and cuts off her friends and family. He might not have a phone so she can't call for help or go to the police.
- the husband further controls his wife by making her feel guilty ("I wouldn't hit you if you didn't _____ "- fill in the blank) or worthless ("You are ugly. You are no good. No one loves or cares about you.").
Are you in America? If so, call the police and ask them how to get to a battered woman's shelter (they are hidden so husbands can't find them). I think they are free, and there are people who will help you. You can call a taxi or the police will give you a ride if it's dangerous leaving your house. Get some clothes, a few important possessions (because your angry husband may destroy your stuff to "punish" you for being "bad" - his way of saying you aren't controlled by his abuse anymore) and get out of there. You can always go back later if you choose to.
Are you a Christian? The Bible says a husband is to live with his wife in an understanding way, Christians aren't to be "hitters," and God says a man who doesn't provide for his family (that would be in love as well as food and shelter) is worse than an unbeliever and has denied the faith (is faithless to God like an infidel). He's in big trouble with God, and he has broken his marriage vows to love you. I'd give him several years of living like a godly man before consenting to move back in with him. He's already shown himself to be a liar, because as soon as he married you he started abusing you. He was only nice when you could leave. He's a liar about his intentions.
If he ever hits you again, CALL THE POLICE AND MAKE A COMPLAINT. Ask to have him arrested (and move out while he's in jail. They might only hold him a few hours). You want this guy's bad deeds on record so you can get a restraining order (you have to have proof he's hurt you) or if it goes to court. They want documents. Take pictures of bruises.
Can you safely move back in with your parents? Do they know what is going on? How do they look at this marriage that has been fraudulent to their daughter? Will they help you? Can your church offer counseling and a place to go? Do you need to hide from him when you leave as he is violent?
Stay safe, Buttercup. This guy is in trouble with God, and with people, and you are in danger. God bless you, dear heart. Let me say again - this guy is lying and it's his choice to be bad, not your fault. All of us make our own choices, and no one is holding a gun to this guy's head to make him be bad to you. He chooses to be bad because that's the kind of person he is - bad. Sinner. Get out of there - flee like a bird. Let the police and battered women's shelter help you. They've seen this before, they'll care about you, and they know who you should go to for more help.
God bless you, dear one. I am praying for you today.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/9/2008 1:45:16 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 289
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MC4JC
I agree with you 100%. My husband saw the results of his mother staying with an abusive spouse "because the Bible/God hates divorce" My MIL has no self esteem, people walk all over her, she cannot do things by herself. Her husband passed away about 10-15 yrs ago, and she never got counseling or anything.
My husband left home for good when he was 16 because he could not stand the abuse to himself (physical/verbal) and his mother. He too does NOT recommend anyone stay in an abusive marriage.
IMO those of you who are saying to "stay" have never experienced abuse or the consequences of staying.
ABSOLUTELY!!! It is SO easy to say "stay" and spew all those scriptures about how God hates divorce, when you've NEVER been in that situation. I would ask all of those to please re-read Ephesians 5 about how HUSBAND are supposed to treat their wives...and then tell me again how an abused woman is supposed to stay with the man who is NOT treating her in the manner that Christian husbands are supposed to treat their wives.
To the OP...please, please...get out, get help, get away...
and for all those who claim this would be a sin...doesn't God forgive? And, wouldn't the husband have to answer for HIS sins???? Don't put it all on her...
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/9/2008 2:05:15 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2528
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
and for all those who claim this would be a sin...doesn't God forgive? And, wouldn't the husband have to answer for HIS sins???? Don't put it all on her...
I don't see that anyone has.
His behavior is abominable. If he is still physically abusive, she should be calling the police, pressing charges, and setting up serious restrictions and an accountability process in order to return to the marriage. She needs to involve someone who has some kind of authority over this man, to teach him what God requires of him as a husband and hold him accountable for his behavior.
However, it is possible to redeem even a marriage such as this. But because it's the wife posting, it is she who is going to have to do some work. Not in trying to please him and not in becoming some kind of pathetic doormat/victim, but in building her own inner strength, making sure that she is doing what God commands her as a wife to do, and doing the right thing at all times, no matter what he does or says. In some situations the right thing may be to leave for her physical safety. In others it might be responding to his nasty talk lovingly, respectfully, and with firm disagreement or *refusing* to engage in an argument or fight.
_____________________________
 Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/9/2008 6:21:28 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
quote:
and for all those who claim this would be a sin...doesn't God forgive? And, wouldn't the husband have to answer for HIS sins???? Don't put it all on her...
I don't see that anyone has.
His behavior is abominable. If he is still physically abusive, she should be calling the police, pressing charges, and setting up serious restrictions and an accountability process in order to return to the marriage. She needs to involve someone who has some kind of authority over this man, to teach him what God requires of him as a husband and hold him accountable for his behavior.
However, it is possible to redeem even a marriage such as this. But because it's the wife posting, it is she who is going to have to do some work. Not in trying to please him and not in becoming some kind of pathetic doormat/victim, but in building her own inner strength, making sure that she is doing what God commands her as a wife to do, and doing the right thing at all times, no matter what he does or says. In some situations the right thing may be to leave for her physical safety. In others it might be responding to his nasty talk lovingly, respectfully, and with firm disagreement or *refusing* to engage in an argument or fight.
Have you ever been in an abusive marriage/situation?
Physical abuse is obvious; mental/verbal/emotional is NOT obvious - unless you've been thru it and know the warning signs. My ex was never physically abusive to me (tho he put a few holes in the walls) - but he was verbally/emotionally abusive to me for most of the marriage. I didn't even know what verbal abuse was for 15 yrs because I never dealt with it before or saw it happening.
Believe me you cannot stay in a marriage and expect to stand up to an abuser who tears you down - it doesn't work that way. An abuser will do whatever it takes to keep you around - they do not want to lose control over you. You cannot respond in a gentle/loving way. I tried to get my ex to go to counseling. He never would cause it was not necessary (to him) and nothing was wrong (to him). He threatened to take our son if I left - so I stayed out of fear. But I built up a wall to protect myself emotionally from him. I had no other choice at the time.
The only way to heal from abusive is to leave the situation - to get out of the same house (or for the abuser to leave). The day he left permanently was like a great weight off of me. Believe me I cried and cried. I hated him for a long time, but knew the only way was to let God take charge and give me the strength to forgive him. That didn't mean I needed to stay in the same house with someone who would never admit to what he did wrong. He still doesn't to this day.
The only way I could forgive was for God to let me see WHY my ex did what he did (something I never saw before in the marriage) - the fact that his father was verbally abusive to his mother and she didn't have the courage to leave either (because of the Bible saying about divorce). She did admit one time after the divorce that maybe she should have left - but she didn't. I can see there was no love in their marriage - it was obvious.
And I realized that after the divorce, I never loved my ex - not the way love is supposed to be according to God. But God blessed both my husband and I with a wonderful loving marriage that is God focused.
The OP has to get out of the situation now. She needs to call the shelter. Abusers don't change their spots. They may change for a short time, but they really do not change.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/9/2008 6:28:54 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6282
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
Status: offline
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quote:
The only way to heal from abusive is to leave the situation
I disagree. God can do amazing things. That isn't an admonition to be a doormat, just a fact. Yes, many times divorce is a person's only option, but there are other possibilities.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/9/2008 9:23:28 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 289
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
quote:
The only way to heal from abusive is to leave the situation
I disagree. God can do amazing things. That isn't an admonition to be a doormat, just a fact. Yes, many times divorce is a person's only option, but there are other possibilities.
Jenny...in an abusive situation, staying is NOT a safe nor sane option. The abuser will find a way to destroy his "target"...and unfortunately, I have seen the broken women and children who have chosen to stay...and some of the dead ones too...
God can do amazing things...and He can do them from across town and across the country. There is NO reason to keep yourself in harm's way...
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/9/2008 9:24:21 PM
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buttercup75371
Posts: 2
Joined: 8/6/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
Can you safely move back in with your parents? Do they know what is going on? How do they look at this marriage that has been fraudulent to their daughter? Will they help you? Can your church offer counseling and a place to go? Do you need to hide from him when you leave as he is violent?
First I should mention that my husband and I are both Christians. Second, he's not been physically abusive for a year in a half, but he's still verbally abusive. Yes I can safely move back in with my parents and yes my mom knows whats going on and she's been trying to get me to leave him for a long time. The reason I haven't already left is because I prayed a lot about my marriage and God answered my prayers.. The following day, a complete stranger came up to me and first asked me how long I'd been married then he told me to not give up on my marriage. He said things will get hard but I need to hang in there.
God knows what's best for me, so that's why I'm still with him.. And right now I have no intentions of leaving. What I need is encouragement and advice on how I can help my marriage get better.
Thank you to everyone who have took the time to read this and respond.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/10/2008 1:03:56 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 776
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: online
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I don't want to be with him any more.... your words.
Then tell him that his treatment of you isn't going to be tolerated -
and the next time he attempts to abuse you verbally or physically - you are leaving! Report any physical abuse!
Christ commanded men to love their wives - just as he loved the church and gave himself up for the church. Your spouse's treatment of you isn't OK!
You can part for a season - make it clear he needs to get help and until he's gotten into a treatment program and shows that he's able to be the Godly husband he's suppose to be - you will live elsewhere. The Bible calls for us to live in peace with one another.
You don't have to divorce - but you don't have to live in an abusive home either!
Pray for your husband and encourage him to get help... get church members to pray for him too! You can live in peace! Get into a woman's Bible study group at church... so you can make friendships or get re-acquainted with former friends
who are Christians. Seek counseling for yourself as well.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/10/2008 8:44:13 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3715
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
The OP is not in physical danger. Emotional abuse is horrible, but it is not automatically a warrant for divorce, nor a hopeless situation.
I agree with much of what Maggie has said. A wife is responsible for herself and how she responds to her husband. But just because the danger is not physical does not mean she has to stay in that house with him.
A long-term separation giving him the chance to change (and demanding to see a real, lasting change before you move back in with him) might be the best option. If you've honestly given him every possible chance, then proceed to divorce with a clear conscious.
But just because he isn't hitting her doesn't me he isn't placing her in danger. Emotional abuse can bring with it a whole host of lifetime problems. Haven't you ever heard the saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words hurt worst of all"? Depression is only the beginning of what this man could do to this woman.
The husband could easily destroy this women without ever laying a hand on her. She doesn't automatically need a divorce right away, but she should still leave and seek shelter.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/10/2008 11:53:27 AM
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hnt
Posts: 530
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: online
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quote:
Things I'm having problems with is if I do something on accident he rubs it in my face until I feel like I'm the worst person on earth and yesterday he told me the reason he never will tell me that I'm beautiful is because he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I'm happy he was honest but it hurts to hear that especially since I dont think I'm fat or ugly.
That isn't being honest buttercup - that's being mean. Tell me something how do you think he would react if the shoe was on the other foot? Would he be thankful for your honesty? I'm sure he can handle that part of the time, but how about most?
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