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RE: in need of marriage advice

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RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/20/2008 2:38:42 PM

Sideways

Posts: 3715
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I would love to see those who are so intent on equality hold women *equally* responsible for their behavior. We can do just about anything to our man and find a way to couch it so it's not really our fault--it's him, it's hormones, it's our troubled past.

You and I must see the world very differently, because I do absolutely believe in equality, and I do hold women responsible for acting like decent, respectable human beings, as do most other people I know who believe in equality.

I know there are times when I am not the best wife to my husband, and I know that is my own fault, not hormones or whatever.

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Post #: 51

RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/20/2008 4:44:14 PM

Lycea

Posts: 205
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Kansas
Status: offline

Buttercup,
I would never recommend that anyone seek divorce, but if you are continually in a situation that is dangerous to your well-being, you can separate from him. Sometimes an abusive spouse needs to see that they are not all-powerful. If you separate and he comes to his senses and is willing to get counseling, then great. If not, then stay separated. Divorce is not the only option for someone who is being abused. I know a couple who have been legally separated for years. It leaves the door open for hope and reconciliation while protecting the spouse from living in a volatile situation.

Please consider talking to him, laying out your concerns--with others present if necessary. If he is not willing to listen seriously consider separation.

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Post #: 52

RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/20/2008 4:51:09 PM

mrsrevbob

Posts: 185
Joined: 7/31/2008
Status: offline

My dear child. First, know that my husband and I are praying for you. Second, Know that under no circumstances would God want you to subject yurself to danger. Call your nearest Women's shelter at once. They can help you to become safe, and get the security and safety that you need. The Lord will see this and you will in no way be punished or looked down upon for seeking safety from someone who is abusing you. Know that the Lord will see the blackness in hisheart. Your best bet is to get away safely for now. You can always pray and hope, but FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.
God Be with you, my blessed child.

Post #: 53

RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/20/2008 10:20:57 PM

Hislittleone

Posts: 620
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
Women get a pass. Men are just unredeemable jerks.

I sometimes think that you want to believe that we are all evil, man-hating feminists, and many of us are just not that way. I would give the same advice to a man as to a woman.

From the other side, I see a lot of folks telling women that if they were just more submissive and obedient, then their marriage to a bad man would be just so much better. How much time to we spend talking about female submission and obedience, and how much time is spent on men loving their wives sacrificially? At least here on CW, there seem to be a lot more focus on the man's "rights" and the woman's "responsibilities".

Personally, I think the scales can and do swing in both directions.

I definitely don't consider myself a man-hating feminist.

I completely agree with Sadey especially the part highlighted. I have been extremely surprised by some of the advice given to women here sometimes. In about 26 years of being a Christian this is the only place I've encountered such a mentality.

I've been in a marriage that was very difficult/abusive and God has worked a miracle of restoration in our lives. I wish that everyone could experience such joy. But the truth is that we are given free will and not all situations turn out so well. I hope that the op's marriage is miraculously restored. It's going to take a miracle in her husband's heart and life for this marriage to work out. The op can pray and beg God to intercede for the next 20 years but that's not a guarantee for change. Just as responding to him in love and with respect is no guarantee either. Nothing she does is a guaranteed solution to her husband's abusiveness. If her husband's heart is hardened and he refuses to change then there's nothing she can do. (I am NOT saying that this is the case and that there is no hope here. Just urging caution.) There are certain situations that require professional help and abusive marriages is one of them.

Maggie, I'm not trying to pick on you here and I'm sorry you feel frustrated. I know you aren't saying it's ok to be abused and you aren't saying that she should just be a doormat and not stand up for herself. I would just urge you to use extreme caution and wisdom when you are giving advice to a woman who is in an abusive situation, especially one that used to be physically abusive.

< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 8/20/2008 11:10:49 PM >

Post #: 54

RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/21/2008 5:13:24 AM

3cappuccinosmom

Posts: 2528
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

OneOfHisJewels--thank you! I am glad someone understands.

Hislittleone and others--I'm not mad or feeling picked on, really. I'm just trying to figure out where I wrote *anything* that could be construed as "sit back and take it".

I don't think I used the word "submit" or even the concept in anything I wrote.

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Post #: 55

RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/21/2008 7:30:08 AM

Sideways

Posts: 3715
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I don't think that Maggie is telling us it's ok for a woman to abuse, either. I actually like Maggie a whole lot because she can handle a debate with grace, strength and dignity and she makes me rethink my position more then once.

I think we differ on how verbal/emotional abuse should be handled. (And I earlier said that separation might be the solution, not that it's the automatic first thing.) I do get frustrated with the idea that because I am a feminist that means I am automatically excusing female bad behavior and have a double standard in favor of women. That is just not true.

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Post #: 56

RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/21/2008 1:03:44 PM

3cappuccinosmom

Posts: 2528
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Thanks sideways. And I didn't mean you personally.

But I do see a double standard as far as the number and vehemence of posts when an abused woman posts as opposed to an abused man.

I think I may be particularly sensitive about it because I unwittingly had that attitude earlier in my marriage. So when I see it, it bothers me a lot.

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Post #: 57

RE: in need of marriage advice - 8/22/2008 7:58:12 PM

MC4JC

Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
Status: offline

Since I was abused, I really don't have sympathy for an abuser of either sex. I defend the victim of the abuse - doesn't matter if its the male or the female.

Post #: 58