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Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/21/2008 2:36:18 PM
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joy2give2u
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Last last night till early this morning I was talking to Kimber.
She had gone to Chicago with a friend of her mothers and had asked me to call her when she got back since she knew the day would be highly charged emotionally.
As we talked she shared a list she was compiling of things she was finding out or realizing about her mother. Things, which now that she is gone, stand out about their relationship.
While in Chicago Kimber visited the stain glass museum. Not that she had any big desire to see the stain glass pieces nor that she was drawn to their beauty.
No she wanted to visit because it was one of the place she and her mother had planned to visit when she next came home.
While giving a few details about the exhibit Kimber said something which really struck me as profound.....
She said, "As I looked around the different pieces I saw such beauty in them, not because I found them beautiful but because I knew my mother would have and somehow with her things which I did not find beautiful became beautiful to me as well."
I thought.......what a beautiful picture of love.
The more Kimber and I talked more I saw what a gift her relationship with her mother had been to her and how it has prepared her for marriage.
In the relationship Kimber learned what many, married and single, never learn.........how to walk in oneness together.
As I think back on my life I wondered who, in my life, has God used to prepare me for marriage?
In which relationships have I grown in understanding of what it means to walk in such closeness?
With whom have I been given a small glimpse of what marriage will be like?
What did God teach me through the relationship that I will carry through in my marriage.
Two relationship really stand out for me.......
1. My father.
Before my father I would have said, and probably most people as well, that I was very giving to my family and spent a lot of time with them. For the most part this was true but as I reflect back on who I am today, who I was with my father, compared to who I was previously to moving in to take care of him I realize how very self absorbed I was in how I lived my life.
I loved serving my father.........I loved cooking for him and reading the newspaper or knitting while he watched his TV shows............I loved the comfortable silence and how we would laugh at the same things even if no one else found it funny.
I loved being his confidant and was honored that he valued our relationship enough to share his deepest hopes and dreams.......his worries and fears.........and his special golden nuggets from the Lord.
I loved the knowing looks over everyone else head when we shared a secret..........and I loved that giving to him made me so much a better person.
He would often get these ugly wounds on his arms and legs. Many times the doctors would want him in the wound care ward at the hospital to treat the wounds but my daddy refused (he hated the hospital) and though it was hard for him to ask me he would ask me to take care of his wounds, to clip his toe nails and other task.
I hated all those things and still do except with him.......somehow I didn't see cleaning and bandaging his wounds as gross or disgusting..........no I saw it as beautiful because it gave me such joy to be able to express my love to him through caring for him......
I will stop here because I am sure you have the idea......and I could ramble on forever about my daddy.......
In my relationship with him I learned, the more I died to me, the more our relationship lived and thrived.
2. the girls.
I learned from them the greatest gift I can give is me.........I learned the greatest gift I could receive is them.
I learned that seeing them enjoy life makes my life so much more enjoyable.
I learned that love hurts and sometimes it doesn't feel like love.
I learned I would rather spend time doing something I hate with them then something I love without them.
I learned when I love abundantly God blesses me abundantly.
I learned through my relationship with the girls giving your heart is a great investment.......the returns are more then you can imagine.
As you reflect back on your relationships how would you answer the questions I posed to myself?
Who has God used to prepare you for marriage?
In which relationships have you grown in understanding of what it means to walk in such closeness?
With whom have you been given a small glimpse of what marriage will be like?
What did God teach you through the relationship which will be important in your marriage?
My hope is this thread will encourage us to each take stock of our past relationships and seek God to show us how he used those relationships to prepare us for marriage.
I realize some have been married in the past and have much to share from those relationships as to how God prepared them for their next marriage......and please do share.... as well as take the time to reflect on relationships other then the one with your spouse and share how God used those as well. thank you
< Message edited by joy2give2u -- 8/21/2008 3:26:23 PM >
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/21/2008 2:55:08 PM
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John_O
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quote:
Who has God used to prepare you for marriage?
In which relationships have you grown in understanding of what it means to walk in such closeness?
With whom have you been given a small glimpse of what marriage will be like?
What did God teach you through the relationship which will be important in your marriage?
I have an advantage over many here. I had a previous marriage where I made all the mistakes and learned all the right things (OR at least a large number of right things).
So the answer to questions 1-3 are my first marriage. The answers to question 4 are too numerous to relate.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/21/2008 3:17:06 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
The answers to question 4 are too numerous to relate. I have ample time to read......
I've not the time to write at the moment. May revisit it later
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quote:
I have an advantage over many here How so?
18 years prior experience
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So the answer to questions 1-3 are my first marriage. I would love to hear what you learned from other relationship as well.... 
Almost nothing. I was lost during those relationships and my motivations were entirely different. I wasn't looking to be married at that point in my life. I was more focused on scoring than being a good husband. Two very different skill sets
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/21/2008 3:24:10 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
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From: Indiana
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quote:
Almost nothing. I was lost during those relationships and my motivations were entirely different. I wasn't looking to be married at that point in my life. I was more focused on scoring than being a good husband. Two very different skill sets As seen by my post God can use many different types of relationships to prepare us for marriage.........Even my relationship with Kimber is teaching me how to walk in a marriage relationship..........I am learning how support someone through their pain instead of trying to take it away.........An important lesson to learn and apply in marriage don't you think?
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/21/2008 4:26:05 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
Who has God used to prepare you for marriage?
In which relationships have you grown in understanding of what it means to walk in such closeness?
With whom have you been given a small glimpse of what marriage will be like?
What did God teach you through the relationship which will be important in your marriage?
I have an advantage over many here. I had a previous marriage where I made all the mistakes and learned all the right things (OR at least a large number of right things).
So the answer to questions 1-3 are my first marriage. The answers to question 4 are too numerous to relate.
John, this is me, too. Do you ever think "if God ever brings me another spouse I'll never (fill in the blank) like I did before"?
I try not to, because I'm just human and such a doofus so I know that I will most likely...
...take him for granted
...forget what it's like to have to kill my own bugs
...correct him in public
...forget what it was like to listen to the silence in my bedroom instead of his snores
...impatiently fix his meal instead of thanking God I have someone to feed
...forget that I prayed to have to put the toilet lid down just one more time
yadda, yadda.
But maybe I really will learn from this time of emptiness and appreciate another spouse should God grant me one.
shallbe
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/21/2008 4:49:15 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ShallbeRebuilt
John, this is me, too. Do you ever think "if God ever brings me another spouse I'll never (fill in the blank) like I did before"?
Yep! I remember the mistakes I made and won't be making those again. I also remember the good things I did and will be workingon doing more of them.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/21/2008 8:16:45 PM
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humbleinspirit
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I'd say that all of my online friendships have helped me prepare for marriage, that is if I ever get married at all. I do have one good friend on here who has helped me feel much more comfortable with myself and thus make me feel more comfortable around women in general.
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/22/2008 2:30:21 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
it is my understanding (as I read through Joy's post) that she is asking what relationships outside of a marital relationship has helped us to prepare for marriage.
Is this right, Joy?
quote:
I think I am reading that she wants to hear from those of us who have previously been married.........I'll have to come back though. I'm a bit too tired to respond to this right now.
Actually you are both correct.
Rach I am asking people to share, outside of the marriage relationship, examples of how God has used a relationship to prepare them for marriage.
Nadine I would love to hear examples, from marriage ( especially healthy, happy marriages) how God used those marriages to prepare for the next marriage.
The key word is how........How did God used the relationship, who it was with and what did God teach through it.
quote:
I have an advantage over many here. I had a previous marriage where I made all the mistakes and learned all the right things (OR at least a large number of right things).
So the answer to questions 1-3 are my first marriage. The answers to question 4 are too numerous to relate.
Not to pick on John_O ( Ok maybe it is to pick on him but can you blame me since he is so easy to pick on and his point is a perfect example to use) What I am not really looking for is a statement such as the one quoted.
Though I am glad you posted, since I respect your wisdom and experience in marriage, plus you tend to draw readers more so then I do, I admit I am a little confused for what purpose you posted.
Your words, I have an advantage over many here, seems to me to discount others, who have not been married, experiences and seems to apply that you have a better grasp of intimate relationships then the rest of us since you were married.
I am not making light of the marriage relationship and admit I do not know the depth of loving a spouse since I have never been married BUT unless a person has experienced the depth of bonding and partnership, similar to marriage , with someone you were not married as well it is impossible to know if there is an advantage one over another.
I know many married couples, together long and short, who do not have the type of intimacy or oneness that Kimber had with her mother. I know many who though having said I do and having a marriage certificate never walked as one.
The thing which gives the advantage is not being married but the actual relationship built, the intimacy achieved, the bonding as one and two becoming one in partnership........these things ,though God's desire for marriage, are also His desire for our relationship with Him.....and a non marriage relationship, such as with my father, can reflect God's intent for relationships.
Those ingredient, when mixed together, are what makes a relationship not saying "I do" and I believe I learned more about being married, what it means to love in a way a wife was designed to love,in a relationship outside of marriage then many people I know have learned in marriage.
My hope is just as we, non married, will read and hopefully grow through reading what God has taught others through marriage those who have been married will listen to us, who have never been married, with the same understanding that it is possible to have as deep a relationship, partnership and bonding with another who is not your spouse.
The second thing I want to comment on.......sorry John_O
Why post if only to acknowledge that you have learned much?
I have no doubt you are well prepared for marriage and am sure you will make a wonderful husband to your new wife but how does stating so add to the thread?
I, for one, would love to read more examples of what God taught you.
Please share.........
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/22/2008 2:56:28 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
I have an advantage over many here. I had a previous marriage where I made all the mistakes and learned all the right things (OR at least a large number of right things).
So the answer to questions 1-3 are my first marriage. The answers to question 4 are too numerous to relate.
Not to pick on John_O ( Ok maybe it is to pick on him but can you blame me since he is so easy to pick on and his point is a perfect example to use) What I am not really looking for is a statement such as the one quoted.
Though I am glad you posted, since I respect your wisdom and experience in marriage, plus you tend to draw readers more so then I do, I admit I am a little confused for what purpose you posted.
Your words, I have an advantage over many here, seems to me to discount others, who have not been married, experiences and seems to apply that you have a better grasp of intimate relationships then the rest of us since you were married.
Not intimate relationships. A marriage relationship.
quote:
I am not making light of the marriage relationship and admit I do not know the depth of loving a spouse since I have never been married BUT unless a person has experienced the depth of bonding and partnership, similar to marriage , with someone you were not married as well it is impossible to know if there is an advantage one over another.
In this section you bring up a very good point. It is not just marriage which I was talking about, but a good marriage. If both partners are working to make it a good marriage there is no other relationship on earth that approximates it. That is why God uses marriage to describe our relationship to Him in Heaven. (Marriage of the Lamb).
I know lots of married people who are not living up to what their marriages could be. In a good marriage you can attain a level of intimacy in every facet of your being. Only in marriage can two become one.
quote:
My hope is just as we, non married, will read and hopefully grow through reading what God has taught others through marriage those who have been married will listen to us, who have never been married, with the same understanding that it is possible to have as deep a relationship, partnership and bonding with another who is not your spouse.
You can have a great relationship with someone you are not married to, but it won't be as deep as a good marriage would be. God designed us that way.
quote:
The second thing I want to comment on.......sorry John_O
MOM!! She's picking on me again!
quote:
Why post if only to acknowledge that you have learned much?
That's all you asked for in questions 1-3. In 4, where to start?
1. I am not always right. OK I know it's hard to believe but sometimes I am wrong. This was a very hard lesson for me as I am used to being smarter and faster on my feet than almost everyone I ever hung around with. (Ouch! Hey it's not my fault! Ow! But it's true. Ouch)
I need to point out that inmy younger days I intentionally hung around with people who barely had the intelligence of a turnip. That way my broccoli level intelligence would look good.
2. (Ties closely to 1) When you're married you cannot escape a conversation or an argument. It will always continue until it is settled. Maybe not today, but then tomorrow or the next day etc. The bible says to not let the sun set on our anger. Which brings us to point 3
3. It is far easier to fix something immediately than to let it fester for a while. When you are wrong, admit it quickly, else you have to dig back through all the excuses, pride etc that piles up on things in order to fix it. And eventually you will have to fix it so do it now.
4. Both of you can be right. And equally important, both of you can be wrong. It's important to recognize that even if you prove them to be wrong, you still could be wrong too.
5. If you both put the lid down everytime you use the stool then no one has a chance to complain (or fall in)
6. Your spouse will have habits that drive you berzerk. Some are worth dealing with, others are just things to thank God for. (Thank God you have a spouse who can have habits. They could be catatonic or you could be alone)
7. Take your time with each other. In the bedroom and everywhere else. Indulge yourself in your spouse in every circumstance. Appreciate how wonderful they are, even if you're just watching them drive the boat or something. Life is too short to miss opportunities to spend quality time with each other
8. Prefer your spouse to yourself. Sacrifice is the middle name of marriage. And in a good marriage, when both are sacrificing for each other, the results are amazing.
9 Husbands, clean the house. Nothing is sexier to most wives than a man pushing a vacuum. (I'll admit that I stole this one but I've also found it to be true in my life)
10 A woman can be incredibly strong. She can also be incredibly fragile. Unfortunately she can switch from one to the other at a moments notice or even be both concurrently. Pay close attention to her and you'll be able to see what she needs/wants from you.
11. Make the study of your spouse part of your life's work. When you can answer her needs before she speaks them, and she does the same to you, life is amazing.
12. Listen with more than just your ears. (I don't know how to really explain this. I could "feel" when M needed me or needed to talk or even when she needed me to be out of her face for a while.)
(edited to fix many typos. I'm a horrible typist. (Hey OH, does that earn me humble points? Ouch!! I guess not))
< Message edited by John_O -- 8/22/2008 3:03:56 PM >
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/22/2008 3:29:45 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
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From: Indiana
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quote:
You can have a great relationship with someone you are not married to, but it won't be as deep as a good marriage would be. God designed us that way. How do you know? I am not trying to be smart I am really wondering. Unless another has experienced a relationship as deep as I had with my father, or kimber had with her mother how can they know their relationship is ot as deep?
I agree it is different but I am not sure it is not as deep.
God designed us to desire and need deep intimate relationships.........he designed us to be in such a relationship with him.......he used the marriage relationship as an example of what our relationship with Him should look like but does that mean that same relationship can't be experienced outside of marriage? Is the marriage showing us how our relationship with God should look or is our relationship with God showing us how the marriage should look? If it is the relationship which is showing us what a marriage should look like isn't it possible that the relationship shown could exist outside of marriage?
Someday I will marry and when I do I will give myself completely to my husband......I will love him more then I love myself, his heart will be my most precious treasure and I will be a better wife because I know what a intimate relationship should and does look like with one you love.
Last night I was talking to a friend. She is in a relationship and they are planning to marry.........
Yet since the relationship is so different then what she has experienced in the past there are many actions, experiences and words which don't seem to reflect the relationships she has had in the past.
Why? Because she has never had a healthy relationship. Though men have said the right words and she has felt loved she is unable to recognize the little things which speak such love.........
As we talked she shared examples and through my experience with my father I was able to shine a different perspective on the action and I hope helped her see that those little things speak louder then all the big words spoken in the past.
For example.......She has her horse at her boyfriends house so often takes a shower there after working in the barn........if he takes a shower before her and he noticed only two clean towels on the rack.......one being a hand towel and the other a body towel......he will take the small towel, though he has the bigger body, so that she can have the bigger one.
I know that speaks of love.....it shows he is thinking more of her........that she is on his mind........and that her needs are more important then his.........how do I know because I learned, through my relationship with my father, how much doing such a small thing spoke to the love I had for him.
I have never been married but I recognize, because of relationship with my father, the importance of such a small action. By loving him I learned to think of someone else's comfort over mine........thus I am better prepared for marriage then before taking care of my father.
Even the list you made John_O (thank you by the way) by changing a few words obviously I could post it as my own of the things I learned in my relationship with my father and I know kimber could say, even more so then I, those exact lessons were learned through the relationship her mother and her built the last five years.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/22/2008 3:53:41 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
You can have a great relationship with someone you are not married to, but it won't be as deep as a good marriage would be. God designed us that way. How do you know? I am not trying to be smart I am really wondering. Unless another has experienced a relationship as deep as I had with my father, or kimber had with her mother how can they know their relationship is ot as deep?
The relationship with your father, or Kimber's with her mother lacked the physical component. You could not be one. Likewise a "shacking up" arrangement may have the physical but not the spiritual (or emotional since there is no commitment). From what I've read, and what I know of myself, men are at their most open after making love with their wives. Sex with someone who is not their wife does not produce the same openess (It's not as safe). Only a husband and wife can be one flesh.
quote:
I agree it is different but I am not sure it is not as deep.
It might be as deep in one way or another, but not in all ways.
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Is the marriage showing us how our relationship with God should look or is our relationship with God showing us how the marriage should look?
Both.
quote:
If it is the relationship which is showing us what a marriage should look like isn't it possible that the relationship shown could exist outside of marriage?
No because that level of intimacy is impossible outside of marriage. You always hold something back.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/22/2008 4:10:03 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
Yes. Physical intimacy is that added component that no other relationship brings. And that side of it just meshes with all other sides.
I can think of a few relationships in my life which has prepared me for marriage. Unfortunately I don't have time right now and will come back later. lol.
Above_all so do you believe a married couple, who due to physical limitations, can not have the physical intimacy of making love, can not be as intimate or one as a couple who can?
I look forward to reading what you write..........
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 8/22/2008 4:16:41 PM
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John_O
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RE: Marriage preparation through relationships - 
But I hope that they will be few and far between. 
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