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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 4:25:43 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7419
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: myka
quote:
How would that be your fault? Did you ignore him and take over when he wanted to participate?
I took over things so efficiently and fully, that there was not really anywhere that he could participate. When he was at home there wasn't anything that he needed to do. He didn't recognize it as a problem until he had a mental health crisis. He said that he didn't want to have to be responsible for the household duties as well as his work responsibilities--until the crisis.
He told you what he wanted. You did an excellent job. He had a meltdown. I still don’t see how that is in any way your fault. Neither of you could have known at the time, but as your husband was feeling uncomfortable, it was his responsibility to face his discomfort, get to the bottom of it and work towards solving it. You are not a mind reader.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 4:27:31 PM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 1457
Joined: 11/21/2007
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Myka, I really agree with Cynthia. I don't think you should feel responsible because you excelled at your work. That is a good thing.
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Karen
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 4:44:31 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2145
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
I'm reading this and sadly my husband just told me to go out and get a job. We had decided jointly that I'd stay home with our child once we had one. Our son has enjoyed having me around everyday and I have been blessed to have been with him as he hit all his big milestones (crawling, walking, talking, etc). I grieve that I will not be able to be with him, but my husband and his family and members of my own family have all weighed in a said "get a job". In today's world if you want to stay home with your child and work inside the home you are looked down upon.
Friend, sister, this kind of thing is a very personal decision.
It's not a decision your husband makes for you. It's not a family vote. It's not a public opinion poll.
It's your son, your life and your God -- and you need to choose a course of action that suits those things much better than it suits the world at large.
If you believe that you belong at home, then you need to do that. You need to be faithful where you are called. Which means you will need a thick skin to deal with pressure from others, and even to stand up to your husband and hold him to his word. If what you say is true about your Church and the area where you live, you will also have to deal with public scorn.
By all means count the cost of your decision. But remember it is yours.
If it's about money, there are lots of ways to be frugal as a stay-at-home parent. Not the least of which is not having to pay for child care off the top of your post-tax wages. Some families actually loose money by earning two incomes. Every little bit counts. Have you potty trained yet? When you do, that will save you $100 about per month.
Let me do a pretend calculation for you (you'd have to research the real numbers):
You make $12 per hour
You are taxed 33% on that amount
You work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week
You pay $40 per day for child care
In this case, you make a net of $23 per day... which is $3 per working hour.
Yielding $460 per month
You make $14 per hour
You are taxed 33% on that amount
You work 6 hours a day, 4 days a week
You pay $40 per day for child care
In this case, you make a net of $15.50 per day... which is $2.50 per working hour
Yielding $248 per month
You make $7.65 per hour
You are taxed 33% on that amount
You work 8 hours a day, any number of days you like
You pay $40 per day for child care
In this case, you make nothing. OK, well, you make 12 cents a day.
Yielding an unparented child for no reason whatsoever.
If it really is that your family can not provide the basics of life, and what you could make per month is the difference between sinking and floating - for food, shelter and survival needs, then yes, I would hope you would decide to do it. It's your call, though, and nobody elses.
If you do choose to get a job, be careful to get one that's worthwhile... meaning at least $3 per hour. Making $460 a month is at least a dent in things, but making $250 is pretty pointless, considering the parenting time it costs you... and considering that you could 'earn' $100 of it per month as soon as it is the right time for potty training.
(BTW, I know they don't tax minimum wage at 33%, but your non-income is subtracted from your husband's taxes, taking money off his top rate, wherever that is, so that is the net-tax effect of your wages in your combined situation.)
< Message edited by bolt. -- 11/9/2009 4:51:57 PM >
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 7:30:19 PM
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Mollymouser
Posts: 5218
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: california, land of the happy cows
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: doinkdom
If it's inside the four walls - it's under my management.
If it's outside the four walls - it's under his management.
Course...I delegate quite a bit. 
 OK ... this made me smile.
When my wonderful DH is home (not working 12-hour days, not TDY elsewhere in the state or the US, not deployed overseas), he takes the trash cans out, scoops the cat boxes, kills bugs, hangs pictures, moves furniture, "organizes" the garage, deals with the cars, climbs on ladders, and operates the power tools. When he's gone, pretty much all tasks become my responsibility to do, delegate, or place on hold until he IS back. I handle all the "paperwork" in the house, and make sure everything keeps running smoothly.
I delegate, too!
_____________________________
  MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT  PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS!
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 8:52:34 PM
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myka
Posts: 834
Status: offline
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quote:
He told you what he wanted. You did an excellent job. He had a meltdown. I still don’t see how that is in any way your fault. Neither of you could have known at the time
The thing is that I knew that it was a problem before he had his crisis... It took a while before he realized it.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 9:09:11 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7419
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: myka
quote:
He told you what he wanted. You did an excellent job. He had a meltdown. I still don’t see how that is in any way your fault. Neither of you could have known at the time
The thing is that I knew that it was a problem before he had his crisis... It took a while before he realized it.
{{Myka}} sigh I hope you have let this go and moved forward. It sounds like you really care about your husband and want what is best for him and your family.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 9:48:09 PM
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myka
Posts: 834
Status: offline
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I have let it go; there are some good changes that have happened in our marriage as a result.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/9/2009 11:32:08 PM
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Anon101
Posts: 200
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
quote:
I'm reading this and sadly my husband just told me to go out and get a job. We had decided jointly that I'd stay home with our child once we had one. Our son has enjoyed having me around everyday and I have been blessed to have been with him as he hit all his big milestones (crawling, walking, talking, etc). I grieve that I will not be able to be with him, but my husband and his family and members of my own family have all weighed in a said "get a job". In today's world if you want to stay home with your child and work inside the home you are looked down upon.
Friend, sister, this kind of thing is a very personal decision.
It's not a decision your husband makes for you. It's not a family vote. It's not a public opinion poll.
It's your son, your life and your God -- and you need to choose a course of action that suits those things much better than it suits the world at large.
If you believe that you belong at home, then you need to do that. You need to be faithful where you are called. Which means you will need a thick skin to deal with pressure from others, and even to stand up to your husband and hold him to his word. If what you say is true about your Church and the area where you live, you will also have to deal with public scorn.
By all means count the cost of your decision. But remember it is yours.
If it's about money, there are lots of ways to be frugal as a stay-at-home parent. Not the least of which is not having to pay for child care off the top of your post-tax wages. Some families actually loose money by earning two incomes. Every little bit counts. Have you potty trained yet? When you do, that will save you $100 about per month.
Let me do a pretend calculation for you (you'd have to research the real numbers):
You make $12 per hour
You are taxed 33% on that amount
You work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week
You pay $40 per day for child care
In this case, you make a net of $23 per day... which is $3 per working hour.
Yielding $460 per month
You make $14 per hour
You are taxed 33% on that amount
You work 6 hours a day, 4 days a week
You pay $40 per day for child care
In this case, you make a net of $15.50 per day... which is $2.50 per working hour
Yielding $248 per month
You make $7.65 per hour
You are taxed 33% on that amount
You work 8 hours a day, any number of days you like
You pay $40 per day for child care
In this case, you make nothing. OK, well, you make 12 cents a day.
Yielding an unparented child for no reason whatsoever.
If it really is that your family can not provide the basics of life, and what you could make per month is the difference between sinking and floating - for food, shelter and survival needs, then yes, I would hope you would decide to do it. It's your call, though, and nobody elses.
If you do choose to get a job, be careful to get one that's worthwhile... meaning at least $3 per hour. Making $460 a month is at least a dent in things, but making $250 is pretty pointless, considering the parenting time it costs you... and considering that you could 'earn' $100 of it per month as soon as it is the right time for potty training.
(BTW, I know they don't tax minimum wage at 33%, but your non-income is subtracted from your husband's taxes, taking money off his top rate, wherever that is, so that is the net-tax effect of your wages in your combined situation.)
Oddly enough we jointly came to the decision that I should quit my lucrative job. I couldn't hand over our child to total strangers to raise while I went to work. I can't imagine someone else being the first person to see my son sit up for the first time, crawl, walk, etc.
We are doing o.k. financially so that isn't the issue. It is something to throw in my face during an argument. He's just jumped on the bandwagon with everyone else that believes I should be working. My father-in-law told me to get a job as a cashier as the grocery store near our house and this is 2009 not 1950. My aunt brought it up to me to yesterday, so this is a fresh disagreement. I quit my Marketing/Promotions job to become a cashier at our local grocery store. What?
I'm the only SAHM in my family and in my dh's family so they don't understand. My cousin had a baby at the same time and she has her in daycare and she is sick all the time. My son is never sick other than the occasional tummy ache. I've been able to tape my son's first time crawling, and walking. These are memories and moments that are priceless.
It costs a lot of money (in daycare bills and doctor bills) to put your child in daycare and unless mom HAS to work to keep the boat afloat then I say stay home w/your children.
I can guarantee that if I went to work he'd want me back home. I just know it.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/10/2009 9:06:41 AM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 1457
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: online
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Culture is such a different thing. Around here, most people think that being a sahm is a great deal of work. I have two friends that do not want to be sahm because they think it would be too much work. I am sorry your families are behaving that way. Personally I would tell them it was none of their business and refuse to discuss it. But then, I am just a big ol' meanie.
_____________________________
Karen
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/10/2009 9:14:04 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3543
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
Culture is such a different thing. Around here, most people think that being a sahm is a great deal of work. I have two friends that do not want to be sahm because they think it would be too much work.
My brother's wife got a full time job because she thought being a SAHM was to hard. I'm so sorry for how rotten your inlaws are being, Loirlynn. That's awful.
My mother inlaw stayed at home for 8 years till her youngest started preschool, so that's helps her to support her daughters in law as they stay home.
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Come to the dark side. We have cookies.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/10/2009 9:30:09 AM
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Anon101
Posts: 200
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
Culture is such a different thing. Around here, most people think that being a sahm is a great deal of work. I have two friends that do not want to be sahm because they think it would be too much work.
My brother's wife got a full time job because she thought being a SAHM was to hard. I'm so sorry for how rotten your inlaws are being, Loirlynn. That's awful.
My mother inlaw stayed at home for 8 years till her youngest started preschool, so that's helps her to support her daughters in law as they stay home.
I must add that I finally agreed to go back to work to end the stone throwing. I did tell my husband that he'd have to pick up the slack, though. That means no more sleeping for 10 hours a day. My husband doesn't work a standard 40/wk job. He works for his dad third-shift delivering ads/flyers and local newspapers, so he'll have to take care of our son while I work. I kind of want my husband to understand that taking care of our son and the house day in and day out IS A JOB. Maybe if he gets a taste of that responsibility he will back off.
It is easy to say that being a SAHM is not working if you've never done it.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/10/2009 9:34:53 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3543
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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You know, I'm a big believer in having dads take care of the kids by themselves every once and a while. This could be a blessing in disguise for your family. Pray that God will use it to His glory, to bring dad and son closer together and to give Dad a new appreciation for you.
_____________________________
Come to the dark side. We have cookies.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/10/2009 10:13:30 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 7419
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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Whether or not it is easy is not what should determine whether a parent stays home with the children. What is best for the children is what ought to determine who instructs them and cares for them during most of their waking hours.
Lorilynn777, I was reading an article yesterday about the top work at home jobs. One of them was marketing. Had you considered working from home and employing a mother's helper while you are working? That might be a good compromise for the two of you. It does seem very unfair that your husband would change his mind and conveniently not remember that this was a joint decision for you to stay at home with your son, but it would be a difficult situation to live in a situation where your husband is begrudgingly bringing in all of the financial support for the family. It is much different to expect a man to support his family financially if that is what he wants to do, but if it is against his will that is a whole other story.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/10/2009 11:47:32 AM
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Zhi
Posts: 742
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: offline
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Hmm. I'd check to find out what the average daycare owner makes as a salary, and start billing your husband for it. Also give him "the check" for dinner. See if he figures out that you ARE working.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/12/2009 1:11:32 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7419
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LovemyAdonai
I must add that I finally agreed to go back to work to end the stone throwing. I did tell my husband that he'd have to pick up the slack, though. That means no more sleeping for 10 hours a day. My husband doesn't work a standard 40/wk job. He works for his dad third-shift delivering ads/flyers and local newspapers, so he'll have to take care of our son while I work. I kind of want my husband to understand that taking care of our son and the house day in and day out IS A JOB. Maybe if he gets a taste of that responsibility he will back off.
quote:
ORIGINAL: LovemyAdonai
We kind of had it out today and if I leave to go work outside the house things will turn chaotic real fast. Nope. Things are fine as they are and he can complain all he wants to his family. I don't care anymore.
This situation is a perfect example of a husband and wife at odds with each other. Neither the husband nor the wife are honoring or submitting to one another or even working together. Every time on spouse reacts to the other without respect and submission, but in a controlling manner, the marriage is damaged. This continues to cause the marriage to deteriorate until either they end up living a miserable life together or they divorce. There is a better way. One party needs to stand up and follow what the Bible has to say about marriage. That way the other spouse will not be responding to an angry, controlling attitude and behavior, but to a godly attitude and godly behavior.
So what does the Bible have to say about this? First off, each of us is responsible for our own attitude and behavior. The only person one can control is himself. In the situation that LoriLynn has described, they are each trying to force their opinion on the other. At the moment they are at a stalemate. A better way is to follow what the scripture has told us about the roles of husband’s and wives. That is to do our best to be in unity and in peace. Consider the other person’s perspective and try to find a solution that will work for the family. Demanding one’s own way is not loving or effective. As Eggerichs says, someone has to be the mature one first. Each of us, in our own marriage, has the option to be the first to do the right thing. That is the only hope for healing. Someone has to step up and follow what the Lord to say or the marriage will not improve.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/13/2009 8:45:15 AM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 1137
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
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Hi. I am working now (a teacher), but I did stay home for awhile. I think it IS easier to go to a job than stay home - that was hard work!! I don't get why anyone would say SAHM's are lazy.
When we first got married, my family had a hard time cutting the strings. They will still try to sort of "take over" if we let them. I had to realize that my H, my kids and I are our own family. We love and respect my parents and his, but what we do is really none of their business. Controlling families don't like this, but it is better for everyone.
I think that if you are going back to work, you need to sit down and work out a written plan of how household duties will be divided. I say this because (no offense men) a H might say he will pick up the slack, but often that means taking out the garbage and washing dishes once every 2 months. You will need regular teamwork with a life change like this. And I would have both of you sign it and make copies so there is no "forgetting" the agreement. I read on another forum that if a H is going to expect his W to be a "modern woman," he had better be ready to be a "modern man."
Before I stayed home and after my first was born, I HATED working. I had to for $$ reasons, but I despised it. Luckily I was able to stay home awhile with our 2nd. Working because you HAVE to is a whole different ballgame from working because you WANT to.
I really hope everything works out. I truly hope that your H will think more about this and back off the idea of working, because it seems like you staying home works best.
_____________________________
Jer. 29:11, II Tim. 2:13, Jude 24, 25
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Eihstein's IQ may be higher than mine, but God's IQ is higher than anyone's.
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RE: Men's/Women's roles in the Home - One Stop Thread - 11/13/2009 11:59:09 PM
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flyingsheep2009
Posts: 1
Joined: 11/13/2009
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No fix rule for this. I think the most important thing is "to respect each other".
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My jaw just dropped. WEagreed on this, not just me. I know the guys he works with and his side think a SAHM is just lazy. My mother in law called me that over the phone because I need to "get a job" and stop relying on my husband. 
