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How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 12:57:12 PM
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sefjchc
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I have had a struggle with my wife for years about having an artistic outlet. althought i only expect to put in a couple of hours a week, this is way too much for her. There is a lot of history that goes back with this, but i was just wondering if anyone had any general scriptural advise on this topic.
thanks
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 1:11:58 PM
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garsyt
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Does she get time ON HER OWN to pursue her hobbies or is she expected to "find" time amongst caring for children and the home?
Has your couple hours a week often turned into 4 or 5 hours or more in the past?
Do your artistic pursuits tend to take priority over family time or have they in years past conflicted with something that was extremely important to her?
Is the hobby you want to pursue something that is out of your budget?
I don't have anything scriptural at this time.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 1:44:33 PM
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Zhi
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There's not really much in Scripture about hobbies that I can think of. We know, for instance, that David had a hobby of playing music while he watched the sheep. We know that the Proverbs woman is commended for weaving beautiful things, but I'm not sure if that's really a hobby since she sells her creations.
I guess the important part is... why exactly does your wife not want you to have the hobby? Perhaps in looking at the motivations of the resistance of your wife, we can come up with scripture to talk about that particular issue.
Is it that she's jealous of the time you will spend? If so, is it something you can do together or while she's in the room?
My husband and I handle hobby time by basically being in the same room with our hobbies (and sharing some hobbies). He might sit and watch TV or play a computer game or read or chat with me while I knit, I might hand him tools while he's working on a "project car", or just hang out in the garage and chat with him.
There's nothing that says that "hobby time" must happen without your spouse. Sometimes just a little quiet togetherness as we mess with our own stuff is enjoyable.
I also think a big part of it is that we encourage each other in our hobby pursuits. He probably doesn't actually care all that much about my stitching, but he's still willing to look at my projects and comment positively. I don't particularly care much about Unreal Tournament, but I'll still give him kudos when he wins a game. Part of the reason he plays guitar is because I encouraged him when he mentioned that he had always wanted to learn. If you don't encourage her in her hobbies, or if she thinks you don't like her having hobby time herself, then she might resist on that basis.
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The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:10:33 PM
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sefjchc
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this is the basic idea. I am in a band. we try to practice once a week. she has no desire to be any part of it.
Since we have been together she has made no effort to get a hobby of her own.
the bigest reason this causes so much conflict is that she consideres it an inconvenience of her own time. She would rather have us sitting around watching tv... i dont like to watch tv very much, so i dont really consider that quality time
we have had issues in the past, with the music taking too much time or effort, and it taking away from the family, but even she admits that has not been an issue for years...
I honestly believe that because she has no hobby, she just doesnt feel like i need to have one either... its a tough one...
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:19:12 PM
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Zhi
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So, compromise. Practice in your living room a few times and tell your wife that it's so you can be near her like she wants. She can have the television on, even, though if it's the kind of band my husband and I have been in before, she's going to need to turn on closed captioning.
After a few weeks she will probably be delighted to have you practicing for an hour or two a week ELSEWHERE. ;)
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The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:21:59 PM
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laura...
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Do you find time for your hobby yet can't find time for your wife?
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:24:26 PM
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laura...
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Schedule specific time with your wife doing something together. You could make it a habit that after band practice is date night.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:27:16 PM
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car2ner
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Hmmm, a band includes not only practice regularly to stay to top of your skill but also performances. My daughter is a performer, on stage and in a band. This is a very time consuming hobby.
I can understand that you would rather share the fellowship of band members and the joy of being creative and performing. It is heady stuff. I wonder why she would rather just sit and watch t.v. Perhaps she is tired after the day is done and just wants to relax, not run off to a gig. Does she like your style of music? Does she like going to the venues you perform at?
I personally changed my performing for my husband. He became my priority. Interestingly, God then used my creative juices in a venue I used to only dream about and it seldom took time away from m'love. We have since moved and I am waiting to see where He sends me next.
To be fair, we have alot of shared hobbies as well.
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"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:34:03 PM
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Hislittleone
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Once you marry your time is no longer your own. It becomes our time. It sounds like you think if she'll just get her own hobby she'll leave you alone to do what you want to do. That does not speak of oneness in marriage. Tell me this. Is your music so important to you that you are willing to cause a rift in your marriage over it?
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:36:06 PM
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Zhi
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Well, it does kind of depend on what you mean by "a band".
Hubby and I served on the worship team together until we moved, and a couple hours a week for band practice (not counting performances in church, which we would have been at anyway) pretty much is the norm. We've also been in a loose "band" with friends and it was mostly just a once-a-week jam session. How much time you spend depends on how serious you and your friends are... lots of people have jam-session type "bands" that are just for their own enjoyment and they don't intend to make anything of it per se. The fact that he calls it a hobby makes me think it's the "laid back, just for our own enjoyment" version.
I sew as a hobby. This does not mean that I'm going to open a tailoring shop or a fashion designing studio. ;)
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 2:54:48 PM
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Wild-Rose
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The scripture verse that comes to me is to love each other as we love ourselves. If you love somebody you want them to be happy.Being married means that the two become one, but it does not mean that you stop being an individual person. We all like our hobbies. Hubby likes his wood working but I don't try to cuddle up when he's using the chainsaw. I let him have his space. When I said I wanted to learn guitar he bought me one as a birthday gift. That was so sweet and generous. Even though he has no interest in learning music or guitar he bought it so that I would could enjoy it. It's good to have some hobbies that both enjoy but it is unreasonable to think that all hobbies are going to be enjoyed by both. He can have his stuff and she should have some of her own interests also.
As long as a hobby does not interfere with quality time together or eat into the finances too much, hobbies are good. It adds to the quality of life.
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 3:09:47 PM
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IonMoon
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sefjchc
we have had issues in the past, with the music taking too much time or effort and it taking away from the family, but even she admits that has not been an issue for years...
I think this is the key.
My dh & I (who are headed for divorce, so learn from our mistakes!) have had a similar problem. For him it was video games. It was a HUGE problem for a long time. He stopped playing for quite a while. THEN... he decided to go out and buy the game again when the newer version came out...
Yes I absolutely had a problem with this, because it came down to trust (he had broken my trust in him by his past behavior) and respect. And it did become a problem again.
BUT it is important to point out the the problem was not really the time he spent on his hobby, but a lack of concern for my feelings, a lack of committment to our relationship, and a lack of fulfilling responsibilities regarding our home/family. He allowed these things to suffer in order to feed his desire to play.
So, for your wife, this is likely not at all about what is happening now, but hurt about what happened in the past and fear about what could happen in the future. And a lot of the comments you made about her were very dismissive.
This isn't about your wife being jealous or controling, or overly sensitive, etc. This is about you having lost her trust by your past actions. She has good reason for feeling the way she does!
Under normal circumstances, no, it should not be a problem for a spouse to have some time to devote to hobbies (with the understanding that family obligations came first), but you are not operating under NORMAL circumstances. You are in a position where past hurts have not been healed and you need to take responsibility for that.
It is YOUR responsibility to PROVE to her that she/your family is the most important thing in your life.
Does that mean you quit the band? Not necessarily, but 1) at least acknowledge the mistakes you've made and that her feelings are valid 2) make sure you really can put your family first and not allow this to interfere as it did before. You might want to have her or (even better) someone else in your life help keep you accountable. Set boundaries and stick to them. Let her know that you are sorry for whatever pain you caused her and that you will not let it happen again and show her the steps you are taking to ensure that.
Tara P
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 3:21:30 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
ORIGINAL: IonMoon
quote:
ORIGINAL: sefjchc
we have had issues in the past, with the music taking too much time or effort and it taking away from the family, but even she admits that has not been an issue for years...
I think this is the key.
My dh & I (who are headed for divorce, so learn from our mistakes!) have had a similar problem. For him it was video games. It was a HUGE problem for a long time. He stopped playing for quite a while. THEN... he decided to go out and buy the game again when the newer version came out...
Yes I absolutely had a problem with this, because it came down to trust (he had broken my trust in him by his past behavior) and respect. And it did become a problem again.
BUT it is important to point out the the problem was not really the time he spent on his hobby, but a lack of concern for my feelings, a lack of committment to our relationship, and a lack of fulfilling responsibilities regarding our home/family. He allowed these things to suffer in order to feed his desire to play.
So, for your wife, this is likely not at all about what is happening now, but hurt about what happened in the past and fear about what could happen in the future. And a lot of the comments you made about her were very dismissive.
This isn't about your wife being jealous or controling, or overly sensitive, etc. This is about you having lost her trust by your past actions. She has good reason for feeling the way she does!
Under normal circumstances, no, it should not be a problem for a spouse to have some time to devote to hobbies (with the understanding that family obligations came first), but you are not operating under NORMAL circumstances. You are in a position where past hurts have not been healed and you need to take responsibility for that.
It is YOUR responsibility to PROVE to her that she/your family is the most important thing in your life.
Does that mean you quit the band? Not necessarily, but 1) at least acknowledge the mistakes you've made and that her feelings are valid 2) make sure you really can put your family first and not allow this to interfere as it did before. You might want to have her or (even better) someone else in your life help keep you accountable. Set boundaries and stick to them. Let her know that you are sorry for whatever pain you caused her and that you will not let it happen again and show her the steps you are taking to ensure that.
Tara P
Excellent insight and advice. I agree that it's about more than one personn wanting to do something for a couple of hours each week.
Also, depending on what stage of life your family is in just a couple hours a week can make a big difference. If you have young children who have school and extra curricular activities during the week and ball games or other events on weekends it just doesn't leave much time for each spouse to go off on their own for a hobby. But when that's the case we just need to remember that it's only for a season of our lives.
ETA: I think Car2ner gave a wonderful example of how it should work. She gave up her desire in order to put her husband first and in the end it all worked out so she could have both a healthy marriage and her hobby.
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 3:32:01 PM
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Zhi
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But if you never give them another chance, then they never have a chance to prove that they've learned their lesson and can control themselves this time.
My husband had a serious problem with school... not doing the work, not attending classes, in a couple of cases just quitting going for no good reason. Twice, in fact. So much so that when he wanted to go back, it was very, very hard for me to be okay with it. But, he had improved. And, he was motivated. And, he put limits (he wasn't going to quit his job this time, he would start with just one class and see how it went) and promises (he would work hard this time, he had learned his lesson) on it. So, I trusted, and I encouraged as best I could, despite my trepidation and inner struggle. He worked hard. He made straight A's. It got a lot easier for me quick. Now I'm very excited about him going for his masters'.
If I had never been willing to give him another chance, he could never have proved to me that he could do it this time. It healed a lot of hurts from back then as well.
So, if your spouse has had a problem with something he really loves before, this does not mean you should never let him ever do it again. It probably means you should take it slow, it probably means that there should be conditions, but banning a loved or useful activity for life simply because he screwed up once (or twice) is, imho, highly inappropriate.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 3:56:32 PM
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Hislittleone
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I don't think anyone is saying that he should never be allowed to play in a band for the rest of his life. But for now it seems to be coming between them and causing problems. So maybe he should willingly give it up for now. The more he fights for his right to have a hobby the more problems it's going to cause because his wife will interpret that as him showing that the hobby is more important to him than their relationship (and correctly so IMO). It bothers his wife so until it's no longer a problem he needs to focus on something else.
ETA: Taking it slow is a good idea....as long as the wife is on board.
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 4:33:01 PM
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sefjchc
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Listen, I appreciate all of the help, but i really cant elaborate, I give my family %100... it's just hard for her to give up any time... even though it is a ministry... it was just a though i was throwing out there... in more of a general sense...
thanks
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/9/2008 5:34:10 PM
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IonMoon
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Zhi
But if you never give them another chance, then they never have a chance to prove that they've learned their lesson and can control themselves this time.
But she wasn't the one asking for advice, had she been, that is what I would have said, give him a chance, but make sure tehre are boundaries in place.
quote:
So, if your spouse has had a problem with something he really loves before, this does not mean you should never let him ever do it again. It probably means you should take it slow, it probably means that there should be conditions, but banning a loved or useful activity for life simply because he screwed up once (or twice) is, imho, highly inappropriate.
I agree.
Tara P
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/10/2008 11:00:54 AM
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all4aremine
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My husband gets as much hobby time that he wants. He is a big bow hunter, so his passion is to learn how to build the bows and arrows. He goes to the local bow shop and makes arrows or strings a bow for hours at a time. Then all weekends during hunting season are taken up with hunting.
I don't have a problem with this because the house, bills, and kids are well taken care of and we all get a lot of family time. Also we like to hunt together so if I can go I will go. He makes sure to come home after his hobby and sit on the couch and cuddle with me. We share moments like that all the time even in the woods. We also take time in the morning with each other while we both get ready for work. We stop and talk to the kids before we head off to work and they head to school.
You have to find balance in your life. I am a very independent person but I never neglect my family and neither does husband.
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/10/2008 4:55:57 PM
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garsyt
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My hubby LOVES sitting down and watching movies. His choices don't always thrill me, but since I KNOW this is something he enjoys doing I do make a point of sitting down with him and watching one from time to time. I do so and he likes it. He just wants to have me near and when I make the effort to do so ESPECIALLY when I would much rather be in another room doing something else, it shows him that I think he's important enough to me that I will make a sacrifice to be with him. Then when I do decide to work on my hobby (scrapbooking/papercrafting) he is more supportive.
The way you are making it sound is that your wife is being completely selfish and simply wants you to sit with her all the time. I don't think this is the case. What I think is the case is that you would rather do ANYTHING then sit with her in front of the TV and just be together.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/10/2008 10:50:34 PM
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buckifn
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I don't think it is a subject you can approach by setting forth a demand of "X" amount of time each day, week, month , or year.
The two of you have to communicate your needs to one another and work together to come to an agreement on how BOTH sides will have their needs met.
For instance with us- my number 1 area is sports- she knows I am going to watch football and respects that..thankfully she loves watching some of the games with me, but if she would rather go shopping or something that's fine...I still have a choice to watch the game...
and basketball...I have got to have certain times to hang out at the gym and play ball...However, that time is not a big issue, it's when my work schedule and home schedule allows...
It's no big deal if I have to change my playtime from Mon. mornings to Sat. because of something happening at home....it's optional, but to tell me "you can never go to the gym" is not an option. Nor would I even think of telling her that about shopping, meeting a friend, or something else she likes to do.
The great thing for us is almost all of our likes and dislikes are the same so we share a lot of common interests.
Have the two of you prayed about it together and discussed it openly?
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/11/2008 7:58:06 PM
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1love1God1way
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Once you marry your time is no longer your own. It becomes our time. It sounds like you think if she'll just get her own hobby she'll leave you alone to do what you want to do. That does not speak of oneness in marriage. Tell me this. Is your music so important to you that you are willing to cause a rift in your marriage over it?
I have heard many happily married people say that one of the reasons that their marriage was a success is that they knew the importance of solitude.
Being married should not mean that you are no longer yourself, or able to enjoy the things you did. Clearly, sacrifices are made, but you shouldn't lose your identity.
_____________________________
love.ben
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/11/2008 9:27:10 PM
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Wild-Rose
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quote:
I have heard many happily married people say that one of the reasons that their marriage was a success is that they knew the importance of solitude.
Yes, true! I've been married for 32 years, so trust me on this. We have things that we enjoy together but there are some hobbies that he likes himself without too much involvement from me. There are things I like that he doesn't. In fact, you don't even have to understand why the other person likes something, just accept that they do. Why does a rock collector love rocks? why do bird watchers go nuts to see some new species that is migrating through? Why do bowlers bowl? what does that accomplish anyway? My point is that you don't have to understand, you don't have to agree, you just have to accept that the other person likes some things that you may not like. Give them their freedom, as long as it doesn't hurt the family. This is part of love. When you love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if you don't understand it yourself.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/11/2008 11:45:53 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 1love1God1way
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Once you marry your time is no longer your own. It becomes our time. It sounds like you think if she' | | |
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