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RE: :'( - 2/2/2009 2:30:47 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
He called dd last night and she was pretty upset after he called. When he called a few minutes ago I took the call so I could get an idea of what she was so upset about. He told her that he isn't pitching in for her prom dress or driver's ed and that if I can't foot the bill for her much needed glasses, then she's out of luck. I am so furious that he would tell her that!
What a .... well, I shouldn't say. "piece of work" doesn't cut it, too tempting to say a piece of something else  for taking it out on her like that, and trying to put her in the middle.
quote:
I think I've got the prom dress covered for free. Driver's ed covered or glasses covered. She can't do driver's ed without the glasses, she won't pass the eye exam.
I'd say go for the glasses, and let her get a job to save up for/pay for the driver's ed herself. That's what we did with our ds, and will do with our dd.
IMO 16 is far too young to be driving anyway. Over here the minimum age is 17. My son started saving when he was just under 17, and took his test at 18.
Personally, I reckon it's a good principle to make kids pay for their own driving, their own car, their own insurance, their own petrol (gas) etc - I think it make them think more, be more responsible, appreciate it more.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: :'( - 2/2/2009 2:40:43 PM
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magdaleine
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I hope your daughter can see her dad for what he is and that her desire to return to Indiana is waning. {{{{{{{{{{Roberta}}}}}}}}}}
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RE: :'( - 2/2/2009 3:15:46 PM
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hnt
Posts: 661
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Roberta - I'm so glad you are out of the toxic zone of living with that 24/7. He would be doing similiar things, but going at it differently. His brokeness is showing so well right now, and I just don't understand how a person can live without a sense of compassion, empathy and with such entitlement. I truly struggle with how they can live with themselves.
This is the stuff you can't hide from your support system. This is the stuff you family needs to see. I know some people would say go back, and maybe he will stop....and ignore that is the reason you left! These are the reasons you should feel good about NOT going back to him, or giving him that 'chance' they asked you to give. He wasn't going to give it a chance, and that is because he is in denial of his ways. He will play the game long enough to gather some support, but shows his true ways once the plan doesn't go the way he wanted it to. I don't know HOW people can think like this!
If you can I would start to deal with him via email alone. Build up the documentation to show what you are dealing with. Get your paper trail going. I don't think most people grasp how nasty this can get, and how much they can break your spirit dealing with this all the time when living with it. They truly don't care how they use people, and what effect is has on them. I still can't wrap my mind around that type of thinking. Its to irrational.
Go with the glasses, and deal with him via email alone. If he insists on leaving voice mails - keep them! Its shows pattern. You may never need it, but cover your basis anyway. This stuff is hard to prove, and you may need to have all you can if the volume is pumped up more later on.
He is hurting so he trying to hurt back. I'm sorry he hurt his daugther as well. You all will continue to be in my prayers.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: :'( - 2/2/2009 8:30:28 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1736
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quote:
I am so furious that he would tell her that!
Good. Now do something about it and let the courts order child support and slam the door shut on this guy who is not even worthy to be called Dad based on what you have posted here.
Talking to him is an absolute waste of time and energy and your daughter deserves better as much as you do.
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RE: :'( - 2/2/2009 9:45:52 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1755
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From: Canada
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You might tell your daughter that you are so sorry that her father is doing this to her. Every child deserves two good parents, and she's only got the one. And one can't always do the job of two.
She needs the straight goods:
(1) Given the situation, drivers ed will not be happening this year. It may not happen any year -- besides which, if she got her lisence, you could not afford to insure her as a driver, so she couldn't be driving anyways. In fact, depending on how your budgeting goes, you might not even be driving much yourself. There there might be some options, and you are open to her ideas.
(2) You will be buying her glasses. They are a medical necessity, and can not be regarded as if they were optional. She should be prepared to choose low end cheap frames -- because there won't be a lot of stylish ones within your price range. Hopefully you can find some that at least suit her face shape.
(3) In addition, you have chosen firmly that you will protect her from the harassment and abusive words of her father. You will no longer allow him to talk to her on the phone. This is non-negotiable. If she wishes to send him emails or letters, you will pre-read hers, and read his responses before deciding whether she can receive them.
This puts you in control and out of the place of guilt. You are placing yourself on the same side as your daughter, empathizing with her wishes and regrets -- wishing and regretting right alongside her. You are treating her like an adult that can handle the truth of a difficult situation and the challenge of a serious downgrade of standard of living. You are still the parent, but she's not a powerless little girl. Your up-front-ness enhances both your personal power and hers.
Oh, and be sure to journal about cutting off the phone contact and exactly why. In legal discussions, he might say "I'm not even allowed to talk to my little girl." and you need to be able to be clear about the substantial grounds on which you made that decision.
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 6:24:17 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 7968
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From: land of limbo
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Roberta, does she have vision (or any) insurance through her dad? If not have you applied for medical assistance for her? That will probably include a vision plan. I get my kid glasses for free. There are 3 levels of frames to choose from and they could all (even fashion plate #2) could find ones they liked in the free level.
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L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:36:52 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: zoebob
Roberta, does she have vision (or any) insurance through her dad? If not have you applied for medical assistance for her? That will probably include a vision plan. I get my kid glasses for free. There are 3 levels of frames to choose from and they could all (even fashion plate #2) could find ones they liked in the free level.
Yes, but I still had to pay some money out of pocket.
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:39:02 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 7968
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At least you won't be paying full cost.
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L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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:'( - 2/3/2009 12:42:26 PM
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PinkCarnations
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The are paid for. It cost me about $70, which was no easy to scape up at all.
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:42:37 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Roberta
Would your dd consider getting a part-time job to help with the finances? My ds did at 16, and it's been a great help for us financially, meaning that he's been able to pay for his own clothes, toiletries, haircuts etc.
My dd is 16 in August, and she is already looking round to see where she might be able to work.
(I had a Saturday job at 14, and worked Saturdays through till I was 18, by which time I'd saved enough to buy a car!)
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"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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:'( - 2/3/2009 12:44:30 PM
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PinkCarnations
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She's got a Saturday job.
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:46:13 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
She's got a Saturday job.
That's good - so presumably she's helping out with the cost of the glasses?
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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:'( - 2/3/2009 12:48:30 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10784
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She paid 50%
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:49:03 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 1836
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From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
She's got a Saturday job.
That's good - so presumably she's helping out with the cost of the glasses?
Or her prom dress?
Have you explained to her why your finances are this super tight yet?
_____________________________
<-----Jael as Tinkerbell - Halloween 2008
Capitalism is the Marxist term for Christian Society. -David Chilton
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:51:56 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10784
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quote:
ORIGINAL: clag4christ
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
She's got a Saturday job.
That's good - so presumably she's helping out with the cost of the glasses?
Or her prom dress?
Her grandpa (my dad) said that he'd pitch in $200 for prom. (She doesn't know about that yet.) She finally picked out her dress yesterday. Its' $109 plus $10 for a matching jacket. I don't think that alterations will put me over that.
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:52:09 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
She paid 50%
Excellent - so you only had to find $35?
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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:'( - 2/3/2009 12:53:00 PM
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PinkCarnations
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yup
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 12:55:21 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 1836
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: clag4christ
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
She's got a Saturday job.
That's good - so presumably she's helping out with the cost of the glasses?
Or her prom dress?
Her grandpa (my dad) said that he'd pitch in $200 for prom. (She doesn't know about that yet.) She finally picked out her dress yesterday. Its' $109 plus $10 for a matching jacket. I don't think that alterations will put me over that.
That's wonderful of your dad! Don't forget shoes and a purse...
_____________________________
<-----Jael as Tinkerbell - Halloween 2008
Capitalism is the Marxist term for Christian Society. -David Chilton
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RE: :'( - 2/3/2009 5:49:00 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 4851
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You might be able to find the right shoes and purse at a thrift store. That's so nice of your dad to be helping!
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Maggie
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Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium
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RE: :'( - 3/8/2009 5:46:50 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 1836
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From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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How are things lately?
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<-----Jael as Tinkerbell - Halloween 2008
Capitalism is the Marxist term for Christian Society. -David Chilton
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RE: :'( - 3/8/2009 11:29:54 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10784
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He has been paying his child support. That is only because my mom called him. She works for the DA's office (different county) in the child support division.
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RE: :'( - 3/9/2009 6:19:52 PM
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Abbreviated
Posts: 1252
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From: Kansas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: anonym1
He has been paying his child support. That is only because my mom called him. She works for the DA's office (different county) in the child support division.
Good for her ....
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