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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 1:00:36 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Has he said anything to your daughter, do you think?
He didn't. Someone else told her at the same time they told me. That someone who told her feels that I should give him another chance.
I am so sorry, Roberta. It really wasn't that person's place to tell her and it must just add to the pressure you're already under. I imagine that you might feel that if you say no, you're going to look like the baddie with all these people knowing, and especially your daughter. (((hug))
Thanks. If my dd didn't know, then I would probably just say no. She really wants to go back. I was thinking about casually talking about the Egyptians wanting to turn back when life got hard. They remembered all the good things but forgot about being in slavery.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 2:06:01 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8172
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
Thanks. If my dd didn't know, then I would probably just say no. She really wants to go back. I was thinking about casually talking about the Egyptians wanting to turn back when life got hard. They remembered all the good things but forgot about being in slavery.
Even more now, I can't help wondering if your husband knows this and did things this way to put you under more pressure.
But this isn't just about her, and it wouldn't necessarily do her good to move back anyway.
It seems then that her feelings about the reconciliation may not totally be about the reconciliation, but about the move back to Indiana. I wonder which is more important to her. She might not be so keen on the reconciliation if, say, you decided to stay in CA regardless.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 2:08:23 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
Thanks. If my dd didn't know, then I would probably just say no. She really wants to go back. I was thinking about casually talking about the Egyptians wanting to turn back when life got hard. They remembered all the good things but forgot about being in slavery.
Even more now, I can't help wondering if your husband knows this and did things this way to put you under more pressure.
But this isn't just about her, and it wouldn't necessarily do her good to move back anyway.
It seems then that her feelings about the reconciliation may not totally be about the reconciliation, but about the move back to Indiana. I wonder which is more important to her. She might not be so keen on the reconciliation if, say, you decided to stay in CA regardless.
You bring up an excellent point. She's talked a lot about going back to IN. I haven't asked her how she would feel about her dad and I reuniting and living here.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 2:08:39 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 6996
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It would be good to explain to your daughter exactly why you do not trust your husband and why what he is doing now is showing that he is not truly repentent. Going behind your back, trying to surprise you with a visit when you ran away from him, not making any effort to apologize to you, etc. are all examples of an unrepentant man. Repentant people don't do things like that. Going behind your back shows that he is unwilling to talk to you and listen to you before making a decision about what to do; he is unconcerned about what you think and feel in relation to his decision making. Trying to surprise you shows that he either doesn't understand or doesn't care that you ran away from him and that he has not recognized the damage he has caused to your life. Not apologizing shows that he doesn't think he needs to apologize.
It is possible that he is on the road to repentance, but he clearly has not arrived there yet. Keep praying for him, forgive him, but do not trust him until he has proven over the course of time that he loves you and has repented of his attitudes that caused him to sin.
< Message edited by cynthia -- 12/15/2008 2:27:04 PM >
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 2:31:51 PM
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Memaw.
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Roberta,
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do have some cocoa and a (((HUG))) for you :)
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If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/15/2008 11:44:00 PM
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PinkCarnations
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He knows that I seldom go anywhere without my cell phone. I went on a walk today. I wanted to be alone. He called three times. The first two times I sent him to vm. The third time I answered, thinking it must be really important. It wasn't, he just wanted to chat. I told him that I didn't want to talk to anyone. He kept asking what was wrong. I kept telling him there was nothing wrong, I just didn't feel like talking. After about five minutes we lost connection ..... that happens when I hit the red button. 
I sent him to vm every call after that.
I'm thinking that I'm not being wooed back by that behavior.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 12:21:07 AM
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bootsNspurs
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That's a definite red flag, Roberta.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 3:08:37 PM
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hnt
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
He knows that I seldom go anywhere without my cell phone. I went on a walk today. I wanted to be alone. He called three times. The first two times I sent him to vm. The third time I answered, thinking it must be really important. It wasn't, he just wanted to chat. I told him that I didn't want to talk to anyone. He kept asking what was wrong. I kept telling him there was nothing wrong, I just didn't feel like talking. After about five minutes we lost connection ..... that happens when I hit the red button.
I sent him to vm every call after that.
I'm thinking that I'm not being wooed back by that behavior.
I don't blame you. Those are good boundaries.
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 3:22:35 PM
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PinkCarnations
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It is a definite red flag. It's very hard with my dd knowing that he wants to get back together.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 6:40:12 PM
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myka
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You would think that if he had really changed, he would respect your feelings and your words.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 6:58:17 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 6996
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
It is a definite red flag. It's very hard with my dd knowing that he wants to get back together.
This part of you teaching her good boundaries. She thinks his behavior is normal. It is your job to explain to her how it is rude and inconsiderate, glaring signs that he has not repented.
I don't want to discourage you from praying that he will repent. I would encourage you to do so. Sometimes when someone wants to repent and they are so far gone in the wrong direction, they have no idea what right even looks like. I remember being in that place and telling the Lord that I was so clueless He would have to take me every step. He did. He is so wonderful.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 8:19:45 PM
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delete123
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I definately agree with others, but also want to point out something. In California they do nothing! I mean nothing about domestic abuse.
I lived in Burbank in the 1980s and my abusive b/f cracked my skull and almost broke my ear drum. Yup they made it look good, took photos, called the ambulance and waited 2 weeks to send out detectives to tell me that when I go to court all the judge was going to do was slap him with a $200 fine that would hurt the "family" budget!
The pushed me into not going through with it as to not waste their time.
I would keep this in mind if he moves there.
I can also share about a friend of mine whose live in b/f who was abusive, possive, jealous, the whole nine yards. He set her on fire and it took the police over 30 minutes to show up. It was her neighbors that held him until they arrived and others to who put the fire out.
Just a reminder to recheck the laws on these issues.
Said a prayer for you
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 10:08:06 PM
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bolt.
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Really? The American State-based system is really weird.
In Canada, assault is assault, whatever Province you live in, whether you share a home with the person who assaulted you or not.
Hopefully progress has been made in California since the '80's -- but last I checked any woman was free to leave an abusive relationship and take responsibility for her own safety... in any state. If the OP has her own place, isn't any unwelcome person a trespasser?
In any case it doesn't take police or laws on to just pack up and leave the man... What that takes is emotional support (and usually financial support too) but it doesn't depend the justice system, whether it is helpful or unhelpful.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/16/2008 10:12:37 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
In any case it doesn't take police or laws on to just pack up and leave the man... What that takes is emotional support (and usually financial support too) but it doesn't depend the justice system, whether it is helpful or unhelpful.
Absolutely, and Roberta has family in CA, whereas she'd be isolated and far away from them back in Indiana, and could end up right back at square one.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/17/2008 10:07:18 AM
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delete123
Posts: 547
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Really? The American State-based system is really weird.
It is true and in 2006 they flew a federal agent to my home, because they were trying to get his death penalty overturned to life imprisonment.
Manda~ I hope I did not give the impression that she should return to Indiana. I would never suggest that.
I was suggesting that the laws may not have changed and something she should check out, so she can best prepare herself in case an incident arises.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/17/2008 9:22:51 PM
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PinkCarnations
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I've dealt with dv in CA before, but thanks for the info.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 2:02:54 AM
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PinkCarnations
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My stepmom asked me today how I feel about him coming out on the fifth of next month. I told her that I thought it was a shock since he had never told me a definate date.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 2:17:15 AM
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cynthia
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
My stepmom asked me today how I feel about him coming out on the fifth of next month. I told her that I thought it was a shock since he had never told me a definate date.
Has he spoken to you about coming out at all?
Roberta, I sincerly hope that your husband repents and that you two can work through things, but enabling him isn't going to get you there. If he is giving this information to various people, but not discussing it with you, I think you should confront him on it. Tell him that he is not welcome to come visit you until he repents and you are ready to see him; neither of which as happened. If he shows up anyway, refuse to see him. Do you have an attorney?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 2:26:56 AM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10784
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
Has he spoken to you about coming out at all?
He has told me that he doesn't know when he will be out, just sometime between January and April.
quote:
Do you have an attorney?
No.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 3:16:57 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 6996
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
Has he spoken to you about coming out at all?
He has told me that he doesn't know when he will be out, just sometime between January and April.
Did he ask if he can see you? Is he expecting to see you?
How do you feel about this? Do you feel threatened or pressured?
Who brought it up, you or him? How did that go?
What has been his overall attitude about this?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 3:20:59 AM
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PinkCarnations
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He's told the rest of my family that he plans on seeing me and talking about reconciliation. He hasn't said a word to me about it.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 3:23:33 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 6996
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
He's told the rest of my family that he plans on seeing me and talking about reconciliation. He hasn't said a word to me about it.
I don't get it.
You said:
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
He has told me that he doesn't know when he will be out, just sometime between January and April.
If you told you that he is coming out, that is why I asked:
quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
Did he ask if he can see you? Is he expecting to see you?
How do you feel about this? Do you feel threatened or pressured?
Who brought it up, you or him? How did that go?
What has been his overall attitude about this?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 1:28:30 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10784
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: Cynthia
Has he spoken to you about coming out at all?
He has told me that he doesn't know when he will be out, just sometime between January and April.
Did he ask if he can see you? Is he expecting to see you?
How do you feel about this? Do you feel threatened or pressured?
Who brought it up, you or him? How did that go?
What has been his overall attitude about this?
He's just telling me that he'll be out sometime between January and April. That's all he has told me.
He has told my family the other things. He has no idea that I know when he'll be out or that he wants to discuss reconciliation, etc.
I don't like the fact that he went behind my back. I don't like the fact that he told a family member who is a known blabber-mouth and that person told my dd. She doesn't give a hoot about her dad, but she's been telling me how much it would mean to her to move back to IN and be with her old friends and in her old school. I think that was sneaky and underhanded and it hurt our dd.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 2:59:18 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 6996
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
He's just telling me that he'll be out sometime between January and April. That's all he has told me.
He has told my family the other things. He has no idea that I know when he'll be out or that he wants to discuss reconciliation, etc.
I don't like the fact that he went behind my back. I don't like the fact that he told a family member who is a known blabber-mouth and that person told my dd. She doesn't give a hoot about her dad, but she's been telling me how much it would mean to her to move back to IN and be with her old friends and in her old school. I think that was sneaky and underhanded and it hurt our dd.
Why haven't you confronted him on that?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 12/22/2008 5:17:07 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 1836
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Roberta,
Like the others I hope that you two are able to reconcile after he's truly repented and changed. I'm not sure if this has been mentioned before...but has he gone through any type of counseling to change his behavior (Christian or otherwise)? Is it possible that he's just feeling sorry for himself, especially now that it's Christmas time, and that he's alone?
You know some of the history with my mother but his actions sound very very much like hers after Joel and I moved to New Jersey. She was planning a visit out to visit us without telling us she was coming! She told my sister so of course Ker told us. I was appalled at my mother's behavior. A person just doesn't come 3000 miles (especially if there's a 'history there) for a surprise. So, the day she came (she actually was 2 days early) we didn't answer the door. She knew our car was there and probably figured that we were home (she tried looking through all our apt. windows and knocked at the door) but she hadn't told us she was coming and we felt it rude, inconsiderate and manipulative to just 'drop by' on us with no warning. She had no idea what our plans were for that weekend or even if we would be home. We did end up seeing her the following day but it was on our terms and not hers.
I'm not sure if my anecdote relates completely to your situation but if your husband has told everyone under the son his supposed date of arrival then he probably assumes that you do know when he's coming. If I were you I'd ask him when/if he was planning on clueing you in so that you guys could make plans to chat if that is his real desire.
I also think it's a good idea if you can tell your family members not to talk to your daughter about your marital difficulties (if that's possible). It's your marriage, and though it does affect her, it's not really her business unless you choose to make it so, about possible reconciliation. To me it does sound like she wants to use any means of getting back to IN. Have you tried to gently remind her that if your husband, her father hasn't really changed, and you have good reason to believe that he's not, that she's going to be miserable, even with her old school and old friends, just like she was before you moved to CA? I remember you mentioning that she was either suicidal or very close to that because of the (to put it mildly) uncharitable attitudes and behaviors of her father towards her. Has she considered any of that?
Blessings,
Kim
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