|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: I just don't know..... - 1/16/2009 7:10:25 PM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 6999
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
We're hanging in there. I had finally started to realize that I made the right decision by not going back and then a family member called me and started telling me that I needed to give him another chance today.
Roberta, I think you need to make this a closed subject with your family. Obviously they do not have understanding. You have given him another chance and he blew it big time. He followed you to where you had run and badgered you and made you cry. Anyone that thinks you should go back to him obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart. Until he stops being mean to you, he's not a safe person for you to be around. Hopefully he'll get a clue, but until he does, you need to be safe by continuing to stay away from him as much as possible. If your family is trying to talk you out of appropriate and safe boundaries, you should tell them that you are not longer open to discussing it with them and then stick to it.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't know..... - 1/16/2009 7:13:37 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8180
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
If your family is trying to talk you out of appropriate and safe boundaries, you should tell them that you are not longer open to discussing it with them and then stick to it.
Hear hear!!
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't know..... - 1/16/2009 9:05:23 PM
|
|
|
PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
Status: offline
|
Right now I just want to get away from all of them. We have company coming next week that I haven't seen in about 30 years. Hopefully that will distract them. DD has some three day weekends coming up next month and I'm looking at taking her to visit some friends of mine who are several hours away.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/16/2009 11:51:55 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8180
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
I thought I had this all in perpective Wednesday night after talking to my therapist. I thought I had it all behind me. Then this person called me today about it. I really don't care anymore. I'm terrible and asserting myself and setting boundaries. I always have been. It would be better to just let them say what they want and ignore them.
Nope, that's just not true at all. You may think it would be better, but actually it takes more toll on you in your mind, because all it does is gives people power over you, makes you feel powerless, pushes your true feelings down inside you and leads to depression. Empowering yourself, taking back the control over your life, is what lifts the depression and helps you move forward.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 9:37:43 AM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1760
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
quote:
It would be better to just let them say what they want and ignore them.
I suppose this might be true, if you actually could ignore them. But I don't know anybody who can ignore personal pressure from family, and your posts show that you are not ignoring it. You are taking it in, thinking about it, feeling the need to 'argue' with it in your own mind. It is making you unhappy and unstable.
If it wasn't hurting you to let other people use your ears as if they owned them, then, fine... but it is hurting you. And I'd bet it's making you not so capable as a parent, which hurts your daughter, when you are moody or just not really focused and thinking clearly about her needs.
You own your ears, and other people have no right to fill them up with words that are unwelcome.
Can you imagine if you lived in a country that had a national radio station, and each person was required-by-law to listen to it for at least one hour every day? Some people would say, "I can turn it on and listen, but I can ignore what it says. It's only an hour." Other people would say, "No way! I' not going to let anybody control me and tell me what I have to listen to!"
Tell me, O beautiful freedom and independence loving American Roberta -- which response is right?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 1:39:33 PM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 6999
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
People are not naturally born with appropriate boundaries. It is hard to establish appropriate boundaries. It is a learning process. Some people tend to put up walls, which are inappropriate boundaries. Some people have no boundaries. Others learn to establish good, healthy boundaries through good instruction from their parents, experience and from the word of God. I am still learning and sometimes I fail. We all do. When you look around and you see people that seem to have good boundaries you see what is likely the fruit of hard work. Not only that, but it continues to be a work in progress in continuing to learn and grow in understanding what are and are not healthy boundaries and how to walk in them.
I'm sure I'm not the only one here that has gone through a lot of very serious pain and hard work to even know what is or is not a healthy boundary. For me, it is only because I desire to learn and grow in the Lord and constantly look to Him for guidance. The goal of boundaries healthy boundaries is not to protect oneself, but to walk in truth and love. It is the Lord’s job to protect us and He shows us what is and is not right.
The point, Roberta, is that you can do it through the help of the Lord. Put your focus on Him and ask Him for help. Get into the word and prayer daily and seek Him diligently. He will reward you.
If you really want your marriage to be healed, it will require a lot of hard work, including the establishment of healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are good for relationships, but both parties have to be willing to work within that in order for true health to occur. Setting good boundaries often encourages the other party to move towards health, but sometimes the other person refuses to accept truth and the relationship will not succeed. All in all, when we are walking closely with the Lord, He will lead us and help us through either result.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 1:52:53 PM
|
|
|
PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
Status: offline
|
This is my family. Divorce is a sin. A bigger sin is staying single. I see a pattern that I saw with my first divorce. They will probably attempt to talk me into going back to him until I meet someone else. There is no one else. There may never be anyone else. There will not be anyone else until the divorce is final and I have worked on the issues that draw me to abusive men. Some days I'm OK with that. Some days I'm not. Most of my cousins are on their third marriage. I think that a lot of that is because the family pressures to not be single.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 1:55:57 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8180
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
Could I just ask who it is in your family who is pressurising you like this?
Sounds like maybe things will be a bit easier for you once you've been able to move out with your dd and get your own place.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 1:57:26 PM
|
|
|
PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
Status: offline
|
My dad, my sister, my mom, my grandmother and a few aunts and uncles.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 2:22:32 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8180
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
And are you talking to them about your situation, and asking for their input/advice, or are they all just giving their unsolicited opinions?
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 2:31:20 PM
|
|
|
PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
Status: offline
|
Actually, my grandmother, sister and dad gave unsolicited advise.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 2:42:36 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8180
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
Actually, my grandmother, sister and dad gave unsolicited advise.
Had you talked with them at all about your situation?
quote:
My dad, my sister, my mom, my grandmother and a few aunts and uncles.
OK, so the first thing I suggest is that you no longer ask your mom or your aunts and uncles for any advice about your situation. Nothing at all. Not a sausage, as we say over here. 
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/17/2009 7:47:10 PM
|
|
|
PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
Status: offline
|
I talked with my mom. I told her that it was hurting to have my family talking to me this way and that the bottom line is that it is my decision. She told me that she understood because she put a lot of pressure on family members to get them to talk my dad into staying married to her. She said she wouldn't bring it up again unless I did. I have no intention of doing that.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
|
|
|
|
|
I just don't care..... - 1/19/2009 1:52:49 AM
|
|
|
PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
Status: offline
|
I'm not sure that really matters.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/19/2009 6:33:38 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8180
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
I agree, Roberta.
One step at a time. And today has enough concerns of its own without taking on tomorrow's, or the next day's etc.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/19/2009 12:12:44 PM
|
|
|
PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
Status: offline
|
Hi Jackie! Good to see you!
quote:
ORIGINAL: Abbreviated
I knew you had moved to Cali, but didn't realize Mr. Sensitive  stayed in Ill. That took courage !
He is kind of in IN and IL. He is working at O'Hare, but living in IN.
quote:
Maybe your text back to him should be :
Got a clean shave ? then come for a visit.
Not clean shaven don't bother.
I have thought about doing that. However, it wouldn't change who he is, it would just make him better looking. His dad wanted him to shave. I begged him to shave for his father because we knew that we'd probably never see him alive again. At the wake he mentioned how sorry he was that he hadn't done that for his dad.
quote:
Is he paying support for your living expenses ?
He pays child support. If I file for a divorce, he's sunk. But then again that also bites me because we can't what we paid for the house. If he files for divorce, it will be much easier on him financially. IN is a "no alimony" state.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: I just don't care..... - 1/19/2009 1:29:32 PM
|
|
|
Abbreviated
Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Kansas
Status: offline
|
I suppose technically he is an estranged husband or eh
_____________________________
Buried In Legos...
Bologna Donuts
Jackie
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
