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I just don't care..... - 1/19/2009 1:45:21 PM
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PinkCarnations
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With all due respect, it doesn't matter to me if someone calls him my husband or ex husband.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 2:04:15 PM
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benelchi
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
My husband and I separated just over a year ago. He is in Indiana and I moved to California with our dd, who is now 15. He says that he wants to reconcile. He says that he has changed. He is coming out in January. He wants to talk about it then. I've been praying about this for a week now and I have no clear answer. I really don't know what to do.
True reconciliation is always the best choice and is something you should work towards until there is no option to do so any longer; however, it is important to realize that true reconciliation means dealing with the issues that caused the separation, and it never comes when the issues are ignored. If you trust the counselor your husband is seeing, I would work with that counselor to begin a plan for reconciliation that includes boundaries that must be met before reconciling. If this counselor is one you do not trust, find one that you and your husband can both work with. It is important to know that your husband has a track record and a ongoing plan in place to deal with the problems that caused the separation before you make any steps towards reconciliation, but how long that track record should be depends a large part on the circumstances of what has happened in the past i.e. how severe the behavior was, how often he has said he would stop the behavior in the past and did not, if their has been genuine repentance, etc... In some cases two months may be way too long, and in others two years way too short. Work with a counselor who knows the details of your situation and develop a plan that is right for your marriage, and always remember the goals isn't to reconcile as soon as possible, but to reconcile in a way that brings long term healing to your marriage and allows for a vibrant hand healthy marriage long into the future.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 2:32:32 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
My husband and I separated just over a year ago. He is in Indiana and I moved to California with our dd, who is now 15. He says that he wants to reconcile. He says that he has changed. He is coming out in January. He wants to talk about it then. I've been praying about this for a week now and I have no clear answer. I really don't know what to do.
True reconciliation is always the best choice and is something you should work towards until there is no option to do so any longer; however, it is important to realize that true reconciliation means dealing with the issues that caused the separation, and it never comes when the issues are ignored. If you trust the counselor your husband is seeing, I would work with that counselor to begin a plan for reconciliation that includes boundaries that must be met before reconciling. If this counselor is one you do not trust, find one that you and your husband can both work with. It is important to know that your husband has a track record and a ongoing plan in place to deal with the problems that caused the separation before you make any steps towards reconciliation, but how long that track record should be depends a large part on the circumstances of what has happened in the past i.e. how severe the behavior was, how often he has said he would stop the behavior in the past and did not, if their has been genuine repentance, etc... In some cases two months may be way too long, and in others two years way too short. Work with a counselor who knows the details of your situation and develop a plan that is right for your marriage, and always remember the goals isn't to reconcile as soon as possible, but to reconcile in a way that brings long term healing to your marriage and allows for a vibrant hand healthy marriage long into the future.
We're 1800 miles apart, so it would be hard to work on issues together.
Even if he had made major changes, I'm still so hurt by him that I'd more than likely step back into my passive-aggressive role and find ways to hurt him.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 3:05:34 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8191
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
We're 1800 miles apart
Well, he could remedy that permanently if he chose to.
How are you doing, Roberta? How are things with your daughter?
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sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 3:12:02 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
We're 1800 miles apart
Well, he could remedy that permanently if he chose to.
Yes. I found out while he was here, he has turned down being transferred to San Francisco several times.
quote:
How are things with your daughter?
Good. She seems understanding of the fact that we aren't going back.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 3:43:32 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
Yes. I found out while he was here, he has turned down being transferred to San Francisco several times.
(((Roberta))) I am so sorry.
quote:
Good. She seems understanding of the fact that we aren't going back.
I'm glad things are better there.
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"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 3:52:49 PM
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PinkCarnations
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I'm not handling it as well as she is. I don't think we were created to get separated or divorced from our spouses. I think that makes it harder when a marriage does fall apart.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 5:33:19 PM
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magdaleine
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I agree, Roberta, and I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wonder if your daughter IS handling it better than you or if she's just stuffing it down and ignoring it because it's all too painful. We all tend to do that to some degree.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 5:38:39 PM
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PinkCarnations
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maggie that is a great point. She may be stuffing things. That's not her usual style, but that isn't to say that she isn't doing it now.
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
How are you doing, Roberta?
To sum it up quickly, I feel like I let God down because I didn't fight harder for my marriage. Unless there are some drastic changes in one or both of our lives, I don't have a way to fight for it. I'm not sure that I want to anyway.
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 5:50:32 PM
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magdaleine
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Perhaps the best thing for you right now is not to try to fix your marriage but rather working on building relationship with God and working about your own personal issues and healing, like the hurt you're feeling and the passive aggression you mentioned (which is probably the result of all your pain). I have discovered that as I grow in healing and relationship to God, other things begin to "fall into" place. If your husband suddenly decided to work towards changing and being the husband to you that he should be, it would be hard for you to accept that if you hadn't worked through your stuff. So much of the things that make us unhappy do that because of our own distored views. At least, I"m discovering that's the case for me. Hugs to you!
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RE: I just don't know..... - 1/19/2009 7:13:29 PM
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bootsNspurs
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((((((((((((((( Roberta )))))))))))))))
know that you are being lifted up in prayer and that you are loved.
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Ziva - "There is a smurf war."
Tony - "Turf war."
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I just don't care..... - 1/21/2009 12:51:53 PM
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PinkCarnations
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Thank you maggie and boots.
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Please pray for us. - 1/22/2009 6:06:35 PM
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PinkCarnations
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I know this may seem like a trivial thing to some. The hardest part about leaving IN was leaving my dog behind. She was cocker/lab mix and an excellent dog. I took her everywhere I could. The man who was keeping her for me just called me to tell me that she died last night. She would've been 14 in March. DD and I are both taking this very hard.
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/22/2009 6:10:35 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
I know this may seem like a trivial thing to some. The hardest part about leaving IN was leaving my dog behind. She was cocker/lab mix and an excellent dog. I took her everywhere I could. The man who was keeping her for me just called me to tell me that she died last night. She would've been 14 in March. DD and I are both taking this very hard.
That's not trivial at all. I'm so sorry!
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/22/2009 6:58:30 PM
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magdaleine
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{{{{{{{{{{Roberta and daughter}}}}}}}}}}
People get very attached to their pets. I can understand how hard it must be for you. In one sense though, this makes your break with Indiana more complete--there is less to draw you back there.
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/23/2009 7:06:38 AM
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manda59
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(((Roberta))) We are doggie people, so I don't think it's trivial at all.
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"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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Please pray for us. - 1/23/2009 7:04:48 PM
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PinkCarnations
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He called me today and left a message: "Your dog died."  It was his tone - or lack thereof - that bugged me.
So much for tea and sympathy.
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Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 4:56:00 PM
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PinkCarnations
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He informed me today that he will pay child support through the end of this month and that is it. His thinking is that if I don't need him as a husband than I don't need him to support our dd.
Before he told me that, I had told him that dd has been asked to the Junior Prom. (She's a sophomore, but dating a junior.) He graciously told me that he would put up to $50 towards her prom dress.
I guess I'm going to have to file for a legal separation and possible divorce. I really didn't want to have to do that. That may be the only way that I'll be able to get child support. The funny thing is that he got off pretty easy paying only $650/mo. With the amount of money he makes, he'll be paying at least $900/mo. if it's court ordered.
I might loose my insurance and flight benefits, but dd won't.
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 5:17:21 PM
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bolt.
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That's a tough wall to face Roberta.
I don't know about the US & various states and such, but in the system I am familiar with, "legal separation" is nothing more than signing a document stating that you live apart. Child support is calculated impartially based on statements of income (last year's taxes, unless something has changed significantly) and parenting time (percent of time spent in each household). It's not such a daunting process, and plenty of people go through it daily. (Sad but true.)
Although, it might be time to tell your daughter that single parent families can rarely afford the same luxuries as their friends, that you are deeply sorry, and you know it's not fair, but high end new prom dresses are not within the realities of what you can provide for her. You are happy to help her find a good deal, or a used one, or to dress up something she already has, or maybe she's consider something less extravagant, but more grown up looking, like a 'little black cocktail dress' -- which will be useful on so many more occasions.
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grr.... - 1/25/2009 7:31:08 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Although, it might be time to tell your daughter that single parent families can rarely afford the same luxuries as their friends, that you are deeply sorry, and you know it's not fair, but high end new prom dresses are not within the realities of what you can provide for her. You are happy to help her find a good deal, or a used one, or to dress up something she already has, or maybe she's consider something less extravagant, but more grown up looking, like a 'little black cocktail dress' -- which will be useful on so many more occasions.
Well, this just in via e-mail: He promised her a year ago that he would pay for her to go to Disneyland this year. She has saved lots of money so that she can help cover the cost. My sister was going to take her two girls and dd. Before he left, he gave my sister a check to cover dd's ticket. My sister has already purchased the tickets. He told me in the e-mail to tell my sister that he put a stop payment on the check.
He has got some porn bills to pay. He told me that if we were still together he wouldn't still be battling that addiction. I don't know what to think about that.
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to him. {{{{{{{{Roberta}}}}}}}
