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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 7:33:02 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
Roberta, you might want to look at consignment shops or even a place that rents prom dresses. I know there is a shop in the small town by me that does that and I can't believe it's a Midwest phenomenon.
I didn't know prom dresses could be rented. Can they alter the dresses?
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RE: grr.... - 1/25/2009 7:37:18 PM
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zoebob
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You may not lose your insurance. I know that as soon as we separated I could apply for support. I think just having separate addresses may have been enough although I had a protection order. In PA at least you don't lose insurance benefits until you divorce. Although, he is out of work now. I'm not sure if he would have to cover me when he gets a job if we are still married.
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 8:02:11 PM
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Kath
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
Roberta, you might want to look at consignment shops or even a place that rents prom dresses. I know there is a shop in the small town by me that does that and I can't believe it's a Midwest phenomenon.
I didn't know prom dresses could be rented. Can they alter the dresses?
You'd have to check, I don't think they do that here. It's jsut 'try to find a dress in your size' kind of thing.
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 8:02:47 PM
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Kath
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quote:
He promised her a year ago that he would pay for her to go to Disneyland this year. She has saved lots of money so that she can help cover the cost. My sister was going to take her two girls and dd. Before he left, he gave my sister a check to cover dd's ticket. My sister has already purchased the tickets. He told me in the e-mail to tell my sister that he put a stop payment on the check.
what a rat.
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 8:03:46 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
You'd have to check, I don't think they do that here. It's just 'try to find a dress in your size' kind of thing.
That would not be impossible to do with her, but it would be hard.
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grr..... - 1/25/2009 8:05:00 PM
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PinkCarnations
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
quote:
He promised her a year ago that he would pay for her to go to Disneyland this year. She has saved lots of money so that she can help cover the cost. My sister was going to take her two girls and dd. Before he left, he gave my sister a check to cover dd's ticket. My sister has already purchased the tickets. He told me in the e-mail to tell my sister that he put a stop payment on the check.
what a rat.
Yeah, I feel like your av looks. I just want to have a good long cry about it.
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RE: grr..... - 1/25/2009 8:12:23 PM
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hnt
Posts: 661
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WOW Roberta! Is this his version of 'change'? If that act alone doesn't get your family off you back I don't know what would.
I don't know your family dynamics good enough, but if you think she would question you at all - just forward the email he sent to her. Let her she it in his own words. Sounds like they doubt you, and this may change things for you.
I think I would look into some legal advice.
Rat is a nice word for him. YESH! I'm so sorry. It sounds like you made the right decision leaving.
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Emotional abuse and Faith
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RE: grr..... - 1/25/2009 8:14:24 PM
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hnt
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The prom dress? Check your local Goodwill! Our goodwill have some awesome things! ALso get Ebay - you will need to get her measurements and check those against the measurements they list on the auctions. YOu can get some great deals there! Don't reply on size alone - get the measurements!
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 8:21:30 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8192
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
Roberta, you might want to look at consignment shops or even a place that rents prom dresses. I know there is a shop in the small town by me that does that and I can't believe it's a Midwest phenomenon.
I didn't know prom dresses could be rented. Can they alter the dresses?
In the UK they can - I don't know about over there. I rented my wedding dress and they altered it for me (with alterations that could be changed back).
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"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/25/2009 9:12:58 PM
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manda59
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(((Roberta)))
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sharonjef, October 2009
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grr... - 1/25/2009 9:25:38 PM
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PinkCarnations
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I'll check into rentals tomorrow.
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grr... - 1/25/2009 9:29:13 PM
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PinkCarnations
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I did give him the link a few years ago for settingthecaptivesfree.com - I might send that to him again. Back then he said that it wouldn't help. So I don't know if it will now, or if it'll just tick him off. I failed at helping him with that addiction before, I don't know what makes him think I'd be sucessful this time.
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RE: grr... - 1/25/2009 9:43:57 PM
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DeliveredDarling
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(((((((((((((((Roberta)))))))))))))))))
My prayers are with you. May God give you strength and courage.
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"Now no one after lighting a lamp covers it over with a container, or puts it under a bed: but he puts it on a lampstand, in order that those who come in may see the light."
Luke 8:16
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RE: grr... - 1/25/2009 10:26:46 PM
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PrincessDonna
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From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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quote:
He told me that if we were still together he wouldn't still be battling that addiction. I don't know what to think about that.
It is not about you. You know that.
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RE: grr... - 1/25/2009 10:48:54 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
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Roberta I know I am coming in late to this thread, but I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you! and my heart goes out to you and your DD! (((((((Roberta))))))
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You might as well try to hear without ears or breathe without lungs, as to try to live a Christian life without the Spirit of God in your heart.
--D.L. Moody
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RE: grr... - 1/25/2009 11:12:47 PM
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magdaleine
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quote:
He has got some porn bills to pay. He told me that if we were still together he wouldn't still be battling that addiction. I don't know what to think about that.
Good GRIEF!!!!! He's a user and abuser, Roberta. He's using you as the justification for his own faults and problems and abusing both you and your daughter in his behaviour. His porn has nothing to do with you. Never has, never will. If I say anymore, I'll be tos'd out of CW. You are well rid of him. I'm sorry he can't at least be decent to his own daughter. I simply can't understand that--except I just remembered the quote in my siggie. We're all capable of that and worse.
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RE: grr... - 1/25/2009 11:29:20 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1755
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From: Canada
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quote:
Well, this just in via e-mail: He promised her a year ago that he would pay for her to go to Disneyland this year. She has saved lots of money so that she can help cover the cost. My sister was going to take her two girls and dd. Before he left, he gave my sister a check to cover dd's ticket. My sister has already purchased the tickets. He told me in the e-mail to tell my sister that he put a stop payment on the check.
Well, here's news. Jerks break promises.
Abusers are like this especially when their victims don't bow down to their wishes. Just imagine... he wouldn't have to be so nasty if you would only do whatever he likes all the time. It's designed to teach you and the whole world that people who resist or reject him get punished as they deserve.
It's not your job to communicate between your estranged husband and your sister. If anything, I'd tell her to get to the bank first thing in the morning with his cheque. I don't think you can stop payment on a Sunday. If it bounces, it bounces, but HE is responsible for the inconvenience and loss your sister may suffer. HE broke his word to HER and gave her a bad check. (She chose to trust him and accept his check and buy the tickets before the money hit her account.) So don't get trapped into apologizing or feeling responsible for this. You can commiserate and sympathize, but also tell your sis that you wouldn't have trusted him in her shoes, and that you're surprised she did... and that you hope she doesn't blame you for the behaviour of somebody that you have very little to do with.
quote:
He has got some porn bills to pay. He told me that if we were still together he wouldn't still be battling that addiction. I don't know what to think about that... I did give him the link a few years ago for settingthecaptivesfree.com - I might send that to him again. Back then he said that it wouldn't help. So I don't know if it will now, or if it'll just tick him off. I failed at helping him with that addiction before, I don't know what makes him think I'd be sucessful this time.
All addicts blame others. You are just convenient. It's never been your job to 'help him with his addiction' so you can't have failed at it. Quit minding his sordid business. If he wants to roll in filth, who decided that you should try to stop him?
But you should make sure that your dd does not have unsupervised time in his home. Her chances of being accidentally exposed to porn are high, plus the SLIGHT possibility that he may notice what an attractive young woman she is becoming. Keep the email -- there might be power in a custody decision if you can show them his own words talking openly about his use of pornography in the home.
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grr... - 1/26/2009 1:37:01 AM
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PinkCarnations
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I don't know. I just keep wondering if there was something that I could have done. I took good advice and took bad advice and none of it seemed to work. But I still sometimes feel that there was something I overlooked.
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RE: grr... - 1/26/2009 5:09:14 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
I don't know. I just keep wondering if there was something that I could have done. I took good advice and took bad advice and none of it seemed to work. But I still sometimes feel that there was something I overlooked.
Please let yourself off the hook. You did the best you could with what you had. That's all any of us can do.
Oh and I agree about not being the go-between for him and your sister, and getting her to pay the cheque in first thing this morning. IF it bounces, it's him who'll have the inconvenience.
HE is responsible for his behaviour, not you. Even if you'd made every mistake under the sun, he'd still be responsible for his own behaviour. He's an adult (believe it or not).
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: grr... - 1/26/2009 8:34:46 AM
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bolt.
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quote:
I don't know. I just keep wondering if there was something that I could have done. I took good advice and took bad advice and none of it seemed to work. But I still sometimes feel that there was something I overlooked.
All this sounds like somebody evaluating a failed project for which they were responsible. You were never responsible to fix him, nor to care for him or manage him as if he were a child. What was it that was supposed to "work" in the "things you could have done"? Why was it your job to run around getting advice and trying to find solutions to a problem that was never yours? How did you become "Designated Fixer of All Things" while he was free to do as his whims lead him and blame you for creating the circumstances where his whims ran one way or the other?
His poor choices do not fall at your feet.
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RE: grr... - 1/26/2009 8:50:00 AM
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Kath
Posts: 17276
Joined: 2/28/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
I did give him the link a few years ago for settingthecaptivesfree.com - I might send that to him again. Back then he said that it wouldn't help. So I don't know if it will now, or if it'll just tick him off. I failed at helping him with that addiction before, I don't know what makes him think I'd be sucessful this time.
quote:
All addicts blame others. You are just convenient. It's never been your job to 'help him with his addiction' so you can't have failed at it. Quit minding his sordid business. If he wants to roll in filth, who decided that you should try to stop him?
I wouldn't, for reasons pbaribeault stated. He is an adult and it isn't your job to fix him, not even if you were still together. He is still trying to manipulate you.
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/26/2009 4:28:36 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 1836
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From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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quote:
He has got some porn bills to pay. He told me that if we were still together he wouldn't still be battling that addiction. I don't know what to think about that.
Just like Donna said, it's not about you. And it is literally disgusting and many other things that he's spending so much money on porn that he can't afford to send his only daughter to Disneyland...seriously...does he not see how selfish he is? Is your sister still allowing her to go?
quote:
I failed at helping him with that addiction before, I don't know what makes him think I'd be sucessful this time.
You didn't fail before. He did...all you can do for a spouse with any kind of addiction is to not be an enabler. Other than that, encouragement...accountability should be coming from another man/pastor/reliable Christian brother. That is *NOT* your job...
What is your daughter's size? I have some of my old prom dresses that I could mail to you if you don't find anything on Ebay... (when I was in high school I was about a size 6 and I'm 5 feet tall).
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<-----Jael as Tinkerbell - Halloween 2008
Capitalism is the Marxist term for Christian Society. -David Chilton
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/26/2009 4:30:56 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10793
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quote:
ORIGINAL: clag4christ
quote:
He has got some porn bills to pay. He told me that if we were still together he wouldn't still be battling that addiction. I don't know what to think about that.
Just like Donna said, it's not about you. And it is literally disgusting and many other things that he's spending so much money on porn that he can't afford to send his only daughter to Disneyland...seriously...does he not see how selfish he is? Is your sister still allowing her to go?
Yes, she's still going. Sis said she'd just make it a late birthday present for her.
quote:
quote:
I failed at helping him with that addiction before, I don't know what makes him think I'd be sucessful this time.
You didn't fail before. He did...all you can do for a spouse with any kind of addiction is to not be an enabler. Other than that, encouragement...accountability should be coming from another man/pastor/reliable Christian brother. That is *NOT* your job...
What is your daughter's size? I have some of my old prom dresses that I could mail to you if you don't find anything on Ebay... (when I was in high school I was about a size 6 and I'm 5 feet tall).
I think she's an 8 or a 10. She's 5'4"
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/26/2009 4:47:06 PM
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clag4christ
Posts: 1836
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From: We just moved to the big state of Texas!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
quote:
ORIGINAL: clag4christ
quote:
He has got some porn bills to pay. He told me that if we were still together he wouldn't still be battling that addiction. I don't know what to think about that.
Just like Donna said, it's not about you. And it is literally disgusting and many other things that he's spending so much money on porn that he can't afford to send his only daughter to Disneyland...seriously...does he not see how selfish he is? Is your sister still allowing her to go?
Yes, she's still going. Sis said she'd just make it a late birthday present for her.
quote:
quote:
I failed at helping him with that addiction before, I don't know what makes him think I'd be sucessful this time.
You didn't fail before. He did...all you can do for a spouse with any kind of addiction is to not be an enabler. Other than that, encouragement...accountability should be coming from another man/pastor/reliable Christian brother. That is *NOT* your job...
What is your daughter's size? I have some of my old prom dresses that I could mail to you if you don't find anything on Ebay... (when I was in high school I was about a size 6 and I'm 5 feet tall).
I think she's an 8 or a 10. She's 5'4"
I'm glad your daughter is still going to get to go to Disneyland. :0) Hmmm...I'm not sure if any of my old dresses would fit her then...they might be too short (for the shorter dresses) and too tight for any of them. Have you looked at Ross or Marshalls? Even Target online has some nice ones for not very much. If you sew you might be able to make her a simple but elegant one yourself.
And don't forget there's always freecycle or craigslist...
_____________________________
<-----Jael as Tinkerbell - Halloween 2008
Capitalism is the Marxist term for Christian Society. -David Chilton
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RE: Please pray for us. - 1/26/2009 4:51:31 PM
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laura...
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From: NE Ohio
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Check freecycle.com for a dress.
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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