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magdaleine -> RE: I just don't know..... (12/15/2008 1:28:53 AM)
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Roberta, I'm sorry that I just now managed to get here. You're in a very difficult position to be sure. I don't think you need to make any decisions at this point, and you certainly shouldn't let it ruin your Christmas. All the second-guessing in the world won't give you the answers you need.
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Here's a key thing: has he shown any remorse for the emotional abuse? Did he ask for your forgiveness? Without that, I would doubt he's changed at all. And even if he does these things, be skeptical until you see how he is over the long run.
Ask him for the counselor's phone number, or let him give your number to the counselor to call you. I'd also ask his pastor how he's doing. I'm sorry, but showing remorse is not beyond an abusive person who hasn't changed. After four years of marriage, I left my husband and was gone nearly 2 1/2 years. He seemed to be very remorseful (and cried on everyone's shoulder); yet when I returned so did the abuse. Many years later I left him again, this time for about six weeks. The leadership at my church was convinced he had changed so I went back. He hadn't.
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When he comes out next month, only meet him in a public place like a restaurant. This is very good advice, I believe. For one, being in public will keep both of you more civil to each other--if only because others are around. The last time I left my husband, it was for 24 hours. I refused to come home until the issue was resolved and I refused to discuss the issue at home, insisting we meet over tea or a meal. That was the only time in our 35 years of marriage that we actually resolved a conflict and it had permanent results. My husband never behaved that way to me again. It still boggles my mind how effective that was. But I did have to push to resolution and stick to my guns about not coming home until it was resolved.
Deermousie, perhaps you know more than Roberta has posted in this thread because I don't read that he was violent, only that he was emotionally abusive. That is serious to be sure but not violent or life-threatening.
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I wouldn't be intimate with him without protection Frankly, I wouldn't have sex with him until you are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is time to return. Sexual relations can convince the emotions that all is well when the mind knows otherwise. It would also send a message to your husband that all is well before it truly is.
I believe reconciliation is always desireable if possible but deermousie has some good points. Just because he and/or others say he has changed, doesn't mean he has. I don't think you should make a decision based on one visit of his to California. You can use that time, however, to begin discussion on what is required before you are willing to return.
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A repentant person who has turned from his ways doesn't have an issue with this. There is not BUT you could have done this, etc. They are very upfront about how you leaving was a good thing, and how they were clearly wrong and very damaging. They act truly remorseful, and they are willing to talk about how their behavior has damaged you. They know you need to talk about it. I agree wholeheartedly.
hnt's post was exceptional. I particularly agree with this:quote:
I think for alot of us part of our healing path is learning NOT to enable any portion of that abusive tendencies because they are so dangerous. We tend to mininize the damage because we had to in order to survive emotionally within the relationship. Our own BAD habit pattern! Fear of consquences for standing up for one's self - another bad habit pattern. Benefit of the doubt, rationalizing it away, saying he didn't mean it that way, etc. other good forms. We do this out of our own brokeness and fear. SOME of which is understandable due to the circumstances, but you have walked away from that.......you need to be crystal clear you aren't walking back into it.
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Anything less than that and he could just be getting a bit sentimental because Christmas is coming and he wishes he wasn't on his own.
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Anything less than that and he could just be getting a bit sentimental because Christmas is coming and he wishes he wasn't on his own. I chuckled about this but Manda has a point.
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Yes, he did slam the front door hard enough to shatter the window. That is violence. Yikes! Would the next thing he slammed be you or your daughter?
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If he wants to rebuild your trust in him, simply tell him what might help that happen, and leave the ball in his court. If talking to his counselor or someone else might help you, just let him know that. Let him rack his brains for a suitable person to vouch for his change of heart and lifestyle. I agree.
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All this restoration is in his court, beginning with open acknowledgment of sin and true repentance towards both you & God. If he doesn't want to, that shows you how much steam this 'plan' of his has. It's a hard road for him, so you might as well be clear about that at the outset. Yes. Absolutely.
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If your husband is making these statements, but has not even told you he is sorry and is seeking your forgiveness, that is a big red flag. If he told you, rather than asking you, that he is coming out, that is also a big red flag. At this point, I would tell him that I would not be willing to see him as he has so far only shown himself to have not really changed. That makes a lot of sense to me.
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She told me that God leading me to forgive him does not mean that God is leading me to reconcile with him. Forgiveness and reconciliation are NEVER the same thing.
Roberta, a book you need to obtain and read is "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson (of Focus on the Family). It is exceptional and navigates between the two, seemingly opposed poles of improving a marriage and refusing to be in a position of being abused. It gives very good guidelines on deciding what is needed before a couple is reunited and it gives you permission to be very hardlined about waiting and about setting criterion for reconciliation. Dobson would agree with the posters here who say it is incumbent upon him to demonstrate that he has changed.
I'm troubled by the fact that your husband plans to surprise you with his visit. To me, that seems very unfair and gives him the upper hand. From a psychological point of view, it puts you in a weak position and at a distinct disadvantage because he's making the decisions. If he has told your family things, that he hasn't yet told you, that tells me that he's a coward. He's counting on them to pass his messages to you because he's too scared to do it himself. He could also be banking on the idea that you hearing things from them would make you more favourable towards him than if he said them himself.
Before we were married, I broke up our relationship. He made my mom his ally and had her convinced that I should return to him. She apologized for that a few years ago. Your family should not be intermediaries between you and your husband. If he can't tell you himself, what he's told them, then he's not ready to be in real relationship with you.
{{{{{{{{{{Roberta}}}}}}}}}}} I wish you didn't have this on your plate and your mind before Christmas. You don't need the added stress. I will be praying for you.
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