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Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 2:54:46 PM
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committedwife
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Well, to make a long story short, my husband and I have some issues within out relationship and I don't trust my husband as much as I should but I've really been working on it. But we've been married for going on 10 months and about 9 of those 10 months my husband has been away most of the time. He took a job that is over an hour from our home and b/c of gas prices at the time we decided it was best for him to stay there during the 4 day work week and come home on the weekends. He is in the military (working at the base) and we're used to not seeing each other all the time.
However, I feel that this has made him feel like a single man again and he spends a lot of time out with his friends and of course drinking a lot more than I had ever known he would. That creates a tension with me. It is what we argue about the most. Only b/c he has gotten drunk in the past and has said some hurtful things-and never remembers it the next day. SO forgiveness is what I pray for to work on.
Also, he became friendly with another woman working with him and I became suspicious when he would talk about her. I figured out his email password and began to check it. They did talk, and it wasn't anything more than I'd say to any of my guy friends. But I blew things out of proportion (it hit him like brick wall b/c he has no idea where the argument came from) b/c I would bring up some ridiculous argument. I take the blame for that but I felt hurt b/c he talked to her about things he wouldn't talk to me about (like going back to college).
Finally, today I got a shocking email in his inbox. He has been emailing another guy he works with to get his divorce attorney information! My heart instantly dropped as he described our marriage to be a disaster to this guy. Once again, he has no idea i check his mail (and I still take the blame for doing that) but I am sooooo scared he wants out bad enough he'll tell me things are fine and one day when I least expect it I'll be slapped with dissolution papers!
We are currently working on moving down to where he works. The only hold up before was our apartment lease and my job.
I guess I'm just looking for advice on where to go from here. is it the distance? I know I am being way too insecure sometimes but this hasn't been easy and If I AM THE REASON my husband wants a divorce I want to correct that! I love him so much and I don't believe in Divorce as a solution for this. How do I keep it from happening? How should I pray about this?!
< Message edited by committedwife -- 12/19/2008 3:29:35 PM >
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 4:27:32 PM
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hnt
Posts: 661
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I don't know about your gas prices there, but here they are under $2.00 a gallon. Gas prices shouldn't be an issue regarding living together, and quite frankly I wouldn't allow that type of excuse NOT to come home!
Is he living there now?
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 4:40:01 PM
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committedwife
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at this point the gas prices are reasonable and he has been coming home once a week that he works, which is only 4 days/week. the other issue with that is that he works 10 hr days and having to travel 90 miles he would have to get up at 5 am and drive...now that its winter we are avoiding that as much as possible just b/c of road conditions. Believe me, he'd rather be home but its just the hand that has been giving to us right now
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 4:40:43 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1755
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From: Canada
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Your insecurity and dishonesty has done a lot of harm to your relationship... and so has his single-like behaviour and your joint 'practical' decisions. You sound like you have a pretty clear idea about these things... but...
Since you can't hit "rewind" and try it again, you need to go forward in humility and bravery... and that means confession. You know you've done wrong, and he needs to know that you know it, and that you regret it deeply.
You are just figuring out how to be a good wife, and you now clearly know that that's not it. Your confession and repentance will help him see that.
Depending on when he is due back (since it's Friday, is it today?) You might give him some lead time by simply emailing him to say that you two need to have a good solid talk this weekend, that he can choose the time and setting, and that the reason you need to talk is this: then link to your post here. Just in case, phone him to tell him that you sent him an important email.
Then spend a good hour in prayer before he gets home. You might find actually praying on your knees will help you focus. Allow the Spirit to lead you when he gets home. A good way to open would be to say, "I understand if you are not ready for our talk yet, but I want you to know how deeply sorry I feel about what I've done to mess us up, and how really ready I am to learn to do better at being married." (Be prepared for the single grunt response, and make sure you give him his space.)
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 4:46:07 PM
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bolt.
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Also, please know that there are very few godly reasons to go into debt, but saving your marriage is one of them. You and your husband need to see each other daily at this point, because you really need that reconnection and the sense of reality and security that that yields. Why don't you drive down to spend time with him? Lunches? Dinners? What about motels? Visitors or married quarters available for some nights?
You also probably would benefit from marriage counseling -- from a professional Christian counselor -- which costs money, but there is nothing smarter to spend your money on, even if you end up paying it of for the next 20 happily married years.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 4:46:16 PM
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committedwife
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i understand what your saying completely. I have no problem confessing to him but when we have talked previous I think that it goes really well and come to find out he just says the things he thinks I want to hear but doesn't mean it. So I know we both have our faults here, but what can I do if he really isn't into fixing this and making it work? To me divorce is not an option in most cases...and that includes ours. However, its the first thing he runs to when we even have the smallest argument. He turns cold and bitter and then gets over it like it never happened.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 5:05:13 PM
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bolt.
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Divorce is an option in your case. If your husband divorces you, there is nothing you can do. What you are saying is that you will not initiate divorce, and that you will do what you can to prevent him from doing so.
So, his tendency to tell you what you want to hear... that's a great fault for him to have in this situation. Because what you want to hear is that he was having a gloomy day, and was just blowing off steam and trying to feel a little less trapped. That's an excellent starting place, even if he doesn't mean it.
That conversation continues with you drawing him out to saying that he's been having those gloomy days oftener than he likes, and maybe there's some things you both could do to brighten your outlook. So he tells you what you want to hear, which is that if you come up with a plan, he'll give it a try.
FIRST - you refrain from being gloomy yourself, and jumping to dealing with the scenario "if" he doesn't want to bother with this stuff at all. Don't go there. As long as he is willing to at least put up a false-face of wanting to be happier in his marriage, then you have to take that at face value, until you are both surprised to find out that it has become the truth.
THEN - you begin to face (one by one) the ways you behave and the circumstances of your life that contribute to this problem.
I don't know what those are, but I'd start with (1) the one circumstantial thing of living apart, and try to get that into some kind of better shape, and at the same time, I'd (2) find some way to put one of his preferences in top priority in your life (most of the time meeting his sexual desires are a good choice)
For yourself (3) dig deep into God through personal devotional time, Bible reading, prayer and spiritual disciplines. Nobody knows you & your marriage & your husband better than the Spirit of God that lives inside of you. Try to train yourself to listen to His nudges. (4) Find a good Christian marriage counselor and make your first appointment. Tell your husband when it is, and remind him that he agreed to go along with your plan for getting better at this marriage thing.
Reading is a good idea too. "Love & Respect" (E. Eger...) is a good book, if you don't take the parts about marital hierarchy and one-way submission too seriously. It does have good insight and advice aside from that. Also, try, "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" (Dr. Laura Sl...)... actually try that one first. It's good. Amazon can have them at your door in days at this time of year.
(Remember, your marriage is very important. If you would get a loan to buy a car, just go and get that same kind of loan to pay for relationship building expenses. I guarantee you God thinks the marriage is worth far more, as far as paying interest on a loan, than the car ever was.)
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/19/2008 7:51:17 PM
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-Justyna-
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Seriously I feel like God is telling me to tell you to WAIT. Thats what I sense in my spirit as I prayed over it just now. Just wait and see what happens next. Dont jump into any conclusions and just wait upon the Lord. See what He is going to do next. Thats really all you can do....WAIT UPON HIM.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/20/2008 1:06:40 AM
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brandynorris
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. To only be married a short time you guys are having problems way to fast. I know when me and my husband first got married we fought a lot and we actually made it through some tough times. He stuck by me when i had my depression and mood swings and i hate to say it but it takes 2 people in a marriage for it to work and if he isn't willing to give that 50% then there is nothing you can do but sit back and wait and pray your little heart out.
_____________________________
Brandy
Proud Wife and Mother
<------ My Baby Boy Jaden
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/21/2008 1:10:30 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 542
Joined: 11/28/2005
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I would urge investing in marriage counseling - not speculation.
I've looked into divorce attorney info --- didn't mean I wanted
a divorce... I needed info so I could make better suggestions to someone
online who was asking questions concerning divorces.
Communication is lacking in your marriage and that situation
needs to be addressed ASAP.
Spending too much time apart isn't a good thing - especially
in a new marriage... make appropriate sacrifices for your marriage.
I would also have a lawyer look over the lease agreement to see if you
can get out of it early - or confirm that it's binding for that length of time.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/23/2008 9:47:12 PM
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heavencomedown
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could be he was asking for info about a divorce atty for the "friend"...?
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/29/2008 12:55:05 PM
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Lyrach
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I believe you need to listen to pbaribealt's posts. As a woman married 7 years, I agree that you need to be open & honest, even if he will not. This is marriage. We must put the other person above ourselves, (of course, unless we are really being abused, or our children ,then, it's time to leave). I was like this as well, but I also had some problems - depression, paranoia, etc. You know what ? It is time to be honest, seriously. Write him, pray. Express the fact that you want your marriage to work. Do you both go to church? Is there a small group to be involved in? A bible study? I suggest that at least YOU get yourself rooted & grounded in the Word, so that you can be a stable, loving wife. Your husband (as is true of all of us) will have to deal with his sins in front of God as well. When I think about that - that we are all accountable to Christ for that which we do, it makes me realize that no matter what my hubby has done, I need to get on my knees & ask for God's grace, repent for the things I've done, and walk in His redemption & in who I really am. I encourage you to do this. Honesty propentiates honesty & mistrust propentiates mistrust. Even if your hubby didn't know the extent of your "investigating" , he probably has felt how cold your heart has been when he does come home. You're upset, mad, emotionally out of it - if he's like most men I know, it would be great to come home to a happy, kind, eager wife. And I also agree with pbaribealt's post about telling your hubby that you'd like to hear how his day REALLY went. Even if it's hard for you to hear. Clean out your ears (e.g. pray before he comes home) & sit back - he will feel more invited to do this. I desire to comfort my husband, to hold him, to show him that Christ loves him so much & so do I. Sometimes he accepts this , and other times he doesn't. When he doesn't, I go to my GOd, and let Him heal my emotions, and continue to try and show love & kindheartedness to my husband. God designed us so that when we do kind things & have that attitude of love, it WILL rub off on others - whether they like it or not! I will pray for endurance for you ,through the hard confessions, through all that is to come in your marriage. I also will pray for a Godly man to be near at your husband's job (the military is not an easy place to be, military men NEED stability in their family, maybe even more than the average person). Blessings to you, and please keep writing with updates & questions.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/29/2008 2:55:53 PM
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Hislittleone
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It sounds to me like you are taking too much responsibility here. It's not your fault your husband is choosing to be unfaithful.
quote:
csl7037: "Someone out posting for random sex on the internet is just about off-the-charts crossed the line. That's nothing short of creepy".
That is very disturbing behavior. Totally agree with that. Your husband has some very, very serious problems. If I were you I wouldn't be so sure he hasn't had sex with other women. Afterall, that is what he's posting for. You may want to be extra careful if you are still intimate with him. You don't want to end up getting a disease that could make your life miserable or end up killing you.
quote:
benelchi: "If you want to have any chance of a successful marriage, you need to get some help! You need to setup appropriate boundaries, and you probably need to insist on a separation. For your marriage to have any hope, your husband is going to need to commit himself to making some very big lifestyle changes and, from your description, it doesn't sound like he is ready to make those kinds of choices yet (and he may never be). The best way to handle a situation like this one is to lovingly confront him (probably with a Pastor or Elder present) and express your commitment to the marriage, but also let him know that you will not be a party to the behavior he is partaking in. Establish clear boundaries like counseling, attending sexual addiction groups, etc.. that will be required if he is to stay in the home with you, and then let him choose to stay or leave"
Benelchi gave some great advice here. If you don't learn how to set some firm boundaries then your husband may not think you're really serious about him having to change. Just fussing at him won't do the trick I'm afraid. It's like just getting a little slap on the wrist. In fact you've already "fussed" at him about having an inappropriate friendship with another woman. He supposedly gave that up but now he's trying to hook up with random strangers for sex. That's just scary. I don't know your husband and I don't know you but it really sounds like he's not ready to grow up and be the kind of husband he needs to be. Looks like he didn't learn his lesson the first time. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. 
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/29/2008 4:35:55 PM
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committedwife
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I will also admit that the posting is creepy and absolutely disgusting. And there will be no intimacy any time soon because of that and because of not trusting him. I will be very cautious of that and may even require him to be tested...and myself for that matter!
And I also agree with telling him that counseling and working on our marriage together is going to be a requirement if he wants this to work out. if he totally cops out on that then I will know he really isn't into and further action will be taken and he may be kicked out until he can figure out what he is doing.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/30/2008 10:42:08 AM
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committedwife
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UPDATE-I was able to talk with my husband last night and told him we needed to get counseling and BOTH work on things together and stop threatening divorce at any dispute and he agreed to it. I told him otherwise he needed to leave for a while and figure things out himself. He said that he knows he made some huge mistakes and needed to be forgiven for them and he was very sorry.
Do I still believe him, no, but it helps hearing him say those things unprompted. Emotionally he doesn't communicate well so its a step in the right direction. Keep us in your prayers!
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 12/31/2008 9:29:06 AM
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committedwife
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Another UPDATE!!!
Yesterday my husband went back to work and stayed at a hotel on base for the first time since our problem over Christmas break. We both agreed that the laptop should stay home from now on and he is not allowed to take it with him since he used that to do the bad things he had been doing.
I wanted to trust him and be ok with it and for the most part I was but I can tell this is going to be a LONG road b/c any time I talked to him after work, in the back of my mind I wondered if he was telling the truth or if there was another woman in the room with him! I know I am letting my imagination get the best of me, but keep us in your prayers that things can be healed and thoughts like this don't cross either one of our minds! He will be home today for the rest of the week/weekend!
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/5/2009 9:21:31 AM
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committedwife
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NEW YEAR UPDATE-so we've made it the last week w/o fight or bickering and my husband has changed all his email passwords, which I don't like that he did that cause I think the worst immediately in that he has something to hide, but I thought about it and I would change my passwords too if I knew he could get in my email. Not that there is anything in there, but we need our privacy. So I have no choice but to trust him in this. BUT, as I lay awake this morning, not ready to get out of bed, I prayed and it was like I was hit with a ton of bricks. I prayed to be able to trust my husband but i need to trust GOD MORE!!!! I need to accept that I can't control everything but GOD can and I have to trust him that things will be ok! It just made me feel so much better to realize such a simple thing! Its like a weight has been lifted off me, and not that I don't need to work on my marriage, but in the situations I have no hand in I need to relax and know that God's hand is in it in my best interest, even if it seems like a ****py outcome.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 9:21:57 AM
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committedwife
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Jan 12 Update-
I got some shocking news this weekend from my husband that he is taking of to vegas for a little "man" trip in 3 weeks. He has had all the time in the world to talk to me about it, but just now announces it and I am not too happy given our situation right now. His buddies and he went last year that time b/c they had just returned from Iraq, and evidently they are making an annual trip out of it. Here are the reasons why I am concerned:
1. We have trust issues, and I don't trust him to throw our money away at poker tables, stay sober and not be tempted to be w/ other women
2. I will be out of a job the first of. feb and he is still wanting to take this trip when the money he uses could come in handy when its time to pay bills and I don't have a steady paycheck.
3. I hardly see him as it is b/c he works out of town and we haven't gotten away together in a year. And when I ask him to take time off so we can take a weekend away together, he cant...but suddenly he can now? Maybe I am being jealous, I know I am, but still.
4. Very bad decision right now! Our realtionship cannot take this.
So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I really don't know how to handle this. I myself will probably take off during the same time and visit my sisters or parents or a friend, if their schedules work out so I am not unemployed and sitting at home for 5 days waiting for him and worrying my butt off hoping he is being a decent man.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 10:40:28 AM
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flygirl96
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Oh I'm sorry he is doing this to you. If it were me I would not let him go, but I don't know your situation or your husband. My husband would never think of taking a trip without me. I will pray for you and him. I wish I could help you as you have helped me in the past. If you need me I'm here for you.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 11:28:47 AM
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Katie51
Posts: 227
Joined: 1/8/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Your insecurity and dishonesty has done a lot of harm to your relationship... and so has his single-like behaviour and your joint 'practical' decisions. You sound like you have a pretty clear idea about these things... but...
Since you can't hit "rewind" and try it again, you need to go forward in humility and bravery... and that means confession. You know you've done wrong, and he needs to know that you know it, and that you regret it deeply.
You are just figuring out how to be a good wife, and you now clearly know that that's not it. Your confession and repentance will help him see that.
Depending on when he is due back (since it's Friday, is it today?) You might give him some lead time by simply emailing him to say that you two need to have a good solid talk this weekend, that he can choose the time and setting, and that the reason you need to talk is this: then link to your post here. Just in case, phone him to tell him that you sent him an important email.
Then spend a good hour in prayer before he gets home. You might find actually praying on your knees will help you focus. Allow the Spirit to lead you when he gets home. A good way to open would be to say, "I understand if you are not ready for our talk yet, but I want you to know how deeply sorry I feel about what I've done to mess us up, and how really ready I am to learn to do better at being married." (Be prepared for the single grunt response, and make sure you give him his space.)
i really missed the part where she was insecure and dishonest. what exactly did she do wrong? its difficult for military families living apart. finances, exhaustion and other issues play into it. so dont be so judgemental. and to the original poster, i would get some counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor. i know that forums can be good but often you get some off the wall advice
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 11:44:13 AM
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committedwife
Posts: 40
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flygirl-I dont really have a problem with him taking some time for himself with his friends, but the timing is just HORRIBLE for us and I feel like he should be more concentrated on our relationship than his own ambitions. I've decided while he is gone I am going to take off too and visit family so I'm not sitting around waiting.
katie-my posts were thrown together so you may have missed a lot actually! You can go back and look for the other one that was joined with this. What I did wrong was check my husbands email b/c I didn't trust him. I had no right to do this but just a lot of suspicion that lead to finding out he was emailing another woman and that he had posted and responded to sex ads on craigslist.com while he was away at work for a few days right before xmas.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 12:10:54 PM
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Katie51
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quote:
ORIGINAL: committedwife
flygirl-I dont really have a problem with him taking some time for himself with his friends, but the timing is just HORRIBLE for us and I feel like he should be more concentrated on our relationship than his own ambitions. I've decided while he is gone I am going to take off too and visit family so I'm not sitting around waiting.
katie-my posts were thrown together so you may have missed a lot actually! You can go back and look for the other one that was joined with this. What I did wrong was check my husbands email b/c I didn't trust him. I had no right to do this but just a lot of suspicion that lead to finding out he was emailing another woman and that he had posted and responded to sex ads on craigslist.com while he was away at work for a few days right before xmas.
Hi  I dont believe you did a thing wrong. He is emailing another woman and you are suspicious? Well who wouldnt be??!!. Husband and wives should give each other access to their emails, that would avoid this type of issue. Unless it was a coworker or relative he has no business doing that. You have EVERY right to have access to your husbands email ESPECIALLY if he is emailing other women, which he shouldnt be!
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 12:45:52 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 1268
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: committedwife
NEW YEAR UPDATE-so we've made it the last week w/o fight or bickering and my husband has changed all his email passwords, which I don't like that he did that cause I think the worst immediately in that he has something to hide,
If he cared at all about being trusted (or being trustworthy), he wouldn't be changing his passwords. I'm sorry but I think you've just hit the tip of the iceburg of what this guy's been hiding. If he went to Vegas under these circumstances, knowing what you know (and what you don't know), I wouldn't be there when he got back. Trusting God more doesn't mean putting up with this or turning a blind eye to what's going on here.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 12:46:46 PM
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committedwife
Posts: 40
Joined: 12/19/2008
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Katie51-Thank you! Most of the responses on here have been about how I've done wrong to my husband and I appreciate someone thinking on the same page. Its not like I just checked his email for no reason. I had a lot of suspicions and I just wanted to see before I blew things out of the water, and b/c I did that, I was able to stop his behavior! It may have been an invasion of privacy, but well worth it b/c we are now able to work on things. it is just very hard to have that trust when it has been decimated by his actions.
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RE: Husband wants out-I dont - 1/12/2009 12:59:29 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 1268
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: committedwife
Katie51-Thank you! Most of the responses on here have been about how I've done wrong to my husband and I appreciate someone thinking on the same page. Its not like I just checked his email for no reason. I had a lot of suspicions and I just wanted to see before I blew things out of the water, and b/c I did that, I was able to stop his behavior! It may have been an invasion of privacy, but well worth it b/c we are now able to work on things. it is just very hard to have that trust when it has been decimated by his actions.
Are you sure you've stopped it and is he really working on anything?
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