Short story-From superstition to love

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RustyCarr -> Short story-From superstition to love (6/17/2009 8:38:17 PM)
Short Story: Fathers-from ignorance to Love. A few Christian missionaries enter a large fertile valley in Africa with the hope of teaching the wisdom, Truth, and love of God to the five tribes that inhabit the valley. After working several months among the five villages, the missionaries are driven out of four of the villages by the influential leaders of those tribes. One tribe does welcome the missionaries and soon this village receives the Truth with joy. The fathers find the joy of loving and providing for their families. They begin to help plant and maintain gardens, rather than leave such mundane things to women as was customary among the five tribes. The missionaries are delighted with the willingness of the village’s fathers. They teach the villagers how to increase their harvest by building irrigation systems and some small dams which store up water for their fields. The harvests increase year after year, and some of the abundance is used for trade and charity with the neighboring tribes. A few tourists and travelers take notice of the changes in one of the villages in the isolated valley. They are delighted and amazed at the bright smiling faces of the happy children seen playing throughout the village. A (F)father’s love has come to a once ignorant and superstitious village in an isolated valley in Africa. The fathers train their sons to be good fathers and husbands, while the mothers train their daughters to be good mothers and wives. New words entered the vocabulary of the tribe. Dignity, virtue, self-control, and self-respect were new words and concepts coming from the Father in heaven because the Father had provided the spark, the desire, and the thirst in the heart of the individual tribesmen to seek the Kingdom of Heaven. Not so in the other four tribes inhabiting the valley. The powerful leaders in those tribes exact punishments on their members and their families if they leave the tribe to join the Christian village. The fathers in the four traditional villages continue in the old customs. They marry many wives and trade wives and children for livestock and weapons among the four villages and outsiders. The women are left to planting, harvesting, feeding the children and the hungry men while the men continue to perform drug induced superstitious rituals prior to going on hunting expeditions. These tribes survive according to the old ways taught by the elders, but the tourists and travelers notice the contrast and lack of joy among their children when compared to the children of the peaceful and prosperous Christian tribe. Read the rest of the story here: http://libertyintruthandlove.blogspot.com/ Blessings, Rusty

RustyCarr -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/25/2009 10:34:57 AM)
I was hoping for some comments about my short story. I am happy to see 140 hits but I don't understand no comments. Am I too far out there? Is it a bad story? I'm a big guy. I can take criticism, even if it is negative. Thank you, Rusty

slushie -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/25/2009 12:11:15 PM)
Critique follows....

slushie -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/25/2009 12:22:57 PM)
Truth shouldn't be capitalized if wisdom and love are not. I notice that you've capitalized truth several times so it seems intentional.... however it seems very odd to me. Btw, on your blog you should put a space between each paragraph. Gods should not be capitalized because they are false gods. quote: “Who is this child to be believed. There is no threat to our security. We are the most prosperous tribe in the valley and we have given from our abundance to feed the other tribes. They are not planning to attack us.” These are the words of the first man given the opportunity to speak before the council. Should be: "Who is this child to be believed?" Also I feel that you should make dialogue more natural by use of contractions such as "there's" "we're" "we've." Also try "...They are not planning to attack us," announced the first man given opportunity to speak before the council. quote: “Let us pray to ‘Santa Claus on a cloud.’ He will protect us from any threat to our lives and the lives of our children. We will not be required to do anything. I will pray with you, but then let me simply go home and avoid making tough decisions with you. I have distilled some wine that needs to be put in new skins. My friends are gathering to help me do it, and I am sure that they will want to taste it, as well.” These are the words of the second man. I didn't understand this paragraph... who is Santa Claus on a cloud? Again, "... as well," replied the second man. quote: “Let us send some men to inquire of the four tribes to see if what the child has reported is true and to find out what is required of us to avoid being attacked.” The third man’s suggestion was agreed upon, but the fourth man’s suggestion was disregarded. The fourth man said, “We have seen the warring tendencies of the other four tribes so let us prepare our defenses in order to be ready to protect our families and property.” "[what third man said]," spoke another man. "[what forth man said]," said the fourth man. I personally feel that you should put the sentence "The third man's suggestion..." after everyone has finished talking because the fourth man hasn't spoken yet. It seems out of order to me if you put it where it is right now. The word alter should be spelled altar. In the last sentence should not have a comma after the word "But." It's not a bad story, however... it seems like a documentary rather than a short story.

RustyCarr -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/26/2009 10:10:16 AM)
Wow! Thanks slushie! I can certainly do those corrections and some fine tuning... It helps to have someone elses eyes at times. My eyes are limitted according to my upbringing and education. I am very thankful that my eyes are open to God's Truth, though. "Santa on a cloud" is the dude who too many Christians pray to for for deliverance, without lifting a finger to serve Him. It is difficult for God to hear prayers from people who are not serving Him in the Truth. It is very hard to serve Him in mainstream churches, today. Unfortunately, the Truth is obscured, tempered, and made inoffensive in mainstream churches. quote: It's not a bad story, however... it seems like a documentary rather than a short story. Yeah, but does it get the point across? Does it apply today? We need a f(F)athers love... Blessings, Rusty

slushie -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/26/2009 12:45:13 PM)
It does apply, and it does get the point across. However what I mean is that a documentary is by nature a lot dryer than a short story. Ok.... would the tribes know who Santa Claus was? I feel a little weird reading that, because Santa Claus is not something that tribes typically know of.

RustyCarr -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/26/2009 7:19:20 PM)
You are right, it is dry. It must be part of my dry sense of sarcastic humor, like the Santa Claus thing. It really gives me a chuckle, though. I like sarcastic humor. Perhaps I should tone it down, though. I was thinking, after I posted it, that I ought to eliminate the San Fran alternative lifstyles, too. You know STDs come from al kinds of sources/people, but I saw the humor in those guys looking for "mystical shaman powers," rather than Truth, to be funny, too. More sarcasm, I guess, but there is Truth in it. Thanks very much. I am glad it got the point across and it does apply today. Blessings, Rusty

Mark0 -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/26/2009 9:27:43 PM)
I have a feeling the story doesn't end happily ever after at the end you have posted here. Is it something from your own personal experience?

RustyCarr -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/27/2009 9:28:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mark0 I have a feeling the story doesn't end happily ever after at the end you have posted here. Is it something from your own personal experience? Please go read the rest of it and see. The story is applicable to America's current spiritual condition. The ending depends on what we do with God's wisdom, truth, and love. My personal experiences required me to find the Truth in order to stand on it against people carelessly and without conscience destroying my family, and removing me from my role as father while my at-fault ex sought love and friendship on top a barstool. I do have interesting personal experiences with local small town churches, too. At first, after my sons were born, I didn't expect much at all from the churches in town. The attendees were one and two generations older than me, and joyless. There was more joy and friendship (and nonsense, debauchery) in the bars in town. The older generations' offspring had moved the congregation to the bar. After she left, (because I hated going to the bar every weekend) I expected more from the churches than they were capable of giving. I looked for support and friends, but found fear, helplessness, and people who would rather avoid taking a stand on the Truth, rocking the boat, and sticking their neck out..... What a mess America's churches are in. Rusty

solarflare -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/28/2009 3:48:33 PM)
OK ~ I read it as you asked. I found it to be a little on the tough side, somewhat disjointed and lacking in believable allegory. It did not read as a short story. It read, rather, as a script for a play or movie in that you have rendered it in the present tense. quote: A few Christian missionaries enter a large fertile valley in Africa with the hope of teaching the wisdom, Truth, and love of God to the five tribes that inhabit the valley. After working several months among the five villages, the missionaries are driven out of four of the villages by the influential leaders of those tribes. One tribe does welcome the missionaries and soon this village receives the Truth with joy. The fathers find the joy of loving and providing for their families. They begin to help plant and maintain gardens, rather than leave such mundane things to women as was customary among the five tribes. Here's a bit of a remake and what I would personally consider a more 'readable' narrative. In a remote African valley life changed on the day a group of intrepid Christian missionaries entered the fertile region and began to plant the Word of God in the hearts of the five tribes living there. Shorter structure, easier reading and very to the point. You introduce who, what, where and why...when is up to you. I was paying attention in my English classes. [;)]

slushie -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/28/2009 8:24:59 PM)
The Santa Claus reference might work but in a different context, within a different story.

RustyCarr -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/28/2009 8:47:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: solarflare OK ~ I read it as you asked. I found it to be a little on the tough side, somewhat disjointed and lacking in believable allegory. It did not read as a short story. It read, rather, as a script for a play or movie in that you have rendered it in the present tense. quote: A few Christian missionaries enter a large fertile valley in Africa with the hope of teaching the wisdom, Truth, and love of God to the five tribes that inhabit the valley. After working several months among the five villages, the missionaries are driven out of four of the villages by the influential leaders of those tribes. One tribe does welcome the missionaries and soon this village receives the Truth with joy. The fathers find the joy of loving and providing for their families. They begin to help plant and maintain gardens, rather than leave such mundane things to women as was customary among the five tribes. Here's a bit of a remake and what I would personally consider a more 'readable' narrative. In a remote African valley life changed on the day a group of intrepid Christian missionaries entered the fertile region and began to plant the Word of God in the hearts of the five tribes living there. Shorter structure, easier reading and very to the point. You introduce who, what, where and why...when is up to you. I was paying attention in my English classes. [;)] Hmm... You have a very good point. I do know that my analytical and literal mind does not lend itself to a great deal of imagination and plesantly colorful language.... Thanks very much for the input, but honestly, I cannot find the will to completely rewrite it. I wish I could come up with a supergem of a novel... As serious as I am, my desire is to get the point across firmly, understandably, and applicably. Did I do that? Do we need to wake up and turn around in America? Blessings, Rusty

solarflare -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/29/2009 12:08:19 AM)
quote: Thanks very much for the input, but honestly, I cannot find the will to completely rewrite it. I wish I could come up with a supergem of a novel... Then find the style that suits you and work on that. Perhaps you should hire a 'ghostwriter?' Or do those only work AFTER someone becomes famous....seriously, if you not have exceptional talent...then you have to work at it.....but you decide...sometimes an idea is good but getting what you think and feel across to others is what makes someone an author, singer, artist...and the better they are at it, the greater the impression on the reader, listener, viewer....see what I am saying?

RustyCarr -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/29/2009 9:21:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: solarflare quote: Thanks very much for the input, but honestly, I cannot find the will to completely rewrite it. I wish I could come up with a supergem of a novel... Then find the style that suits you and work on that. Perhaps you should hire a 'ghostwriter?' Or do those only work AFTER someone becomes famous....seriously, if you do not have exceptional talent...then you have to work at it.....but you decide...sometimes an idea is good but getting what you think and feel across to others is what makes someone an author, singer, artist...and the better they are at it, the greater the impression on the reader, listener, viewer....see what I am saying? Yeah, I see what you are saying. God distributes the gifts, but we need to develope them.... Aren't we both right? Does what I put in bold above mean that the story gets the point across? LOL Thanks much, Rusty

slushie -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/29/2009 9:23:42 AM)
I think he means that he sees the point, however the dry style of the story may turn people off from reading.

solarflare -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/29/2009 11:00:43 AM)
quote: Yeah, I see what you are saying. God distributes the gifts, but we need to develope them.... Aren't we both right? OK...here it is my best European accent: No No Sheevtie...das not what I mean. Where to begin....where to begin..... There is a difference between 'talent' and a gift that God gives. The gifts are described in the NT...talent is pretty much what you are good at doing without any gift...the world is full of those people. For example, I have a talent for smart aleck remarks and sharp wit but I try not to let that have its way here on the threads or I will be booted off...there's a time and place for that .... I will get a point across that way when people know me otherwise I run the risk of offending them...I like to make people laugh. haha There was a thread on the diff between gifts (as distributed by the Holy Spirit for the edification of the Body) and talents...perhaps if you search you can find it...if not, start one, that always makes for good discussion and as the thread was some time ago, and alot of new people have joined including yourself, I believe, it would prob get alot of attention cause everybody likes to talk about themself. LOL! I have talent and I have gifts and I know the diff....won't get into that here. Some people might describe excessive or excellent talent as a 'gift'...it's still a talent and not spiritual or from the Holy Spirit in origin. Both right? Well, no...not really....... quote: Does what I put in bold above mean that the story gets the point across? LOL Sometimes an idea is good Sometimes a kick in the posterior gets the point across but you don't necessairly care to have it delivered that way. A good idea needs a good delivery. Here's an example since you seem to like that kind of thing...nothing wrong with that....say a guy buys his girlfriend a beautiful gift...a really nice bracelet or earrings or whatever....and he puts it in a crumpled paper bag and gives it to her. She's like..."Uh...what's this? Your leftover lunch?" She does not know what is in the bag and does not even really want to open it. Now, take the same gift and wrap that thing up in pretty paper with a oversize bow with trailing ribbon (my preference[;)]) and hand it to the girlfriend and voila! Big smile and squeals of "Ooooo! Is that for me?" Can't wait to get the paper and ribbon off but will most likley admire the 'presentation' first anyway. Kapeesh?

solarflare -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/29/2009 11:01:46 AM)
quote: I think he means that he sees the point, however the dry style of the story may turn people off from reading. Got it. Thanks !

Elena1030 -> RE: Short story-From superstition to love (6/29/2009 2:27:10 PM)
RustyCarr: I'd say that the writing style you present is more conducive to opinion columns, not short stories. Or essays. Nonfiction seems to be more your genre. If you'd like to write a novel, try the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writers Month) and the many resources offered in bookstores to help writers with their "noveling" efforts. As far as formatting goes, I agree with slushie -- because both Crosswalk and Blogger seem not to offer indenting in their style options: quote: ORIGINAL: slushie Btw, on your blog you should put a space between each paragraph. Also do so when you post here in Writers Roundtable. Your readers will thank you. [:)]

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