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Elena1030 -> RE: A Life for a Life (6/30/2009 11:11:17 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mark0
I just want it to convey the fact that Jesus took my place of judgment. Grammar is hard to get a handle on in poetry. I think you're getting pretty close to prose when you need to make complete sentences. Thank you for your interest.
Mark
Poetry isn't exempt from the rules of grammar. Nor does using punctuation turn a poem into prose.
Choosing to omit punctuation does depend on the effect you're trying to achieve with the poem: what "packaging" is needed to best convey your message? (e. e. cummings didn't use punctuation all the time... nor conventional spacing! [:D])
If your style is to omit ending punctuation, that works. But perhaps the internal punctuation should be preserved in order to help the reader know what phrases are connected. (Though now I see that all the punctuation would be at the end of each line... that's just how the "chips" have "fallen" here.)
Choosing to use punctuation.... here's what it would look like (preserving your preference to cap each line, which is a common convention in poetry):
All power and praise
Be only to God,
Who over the shadow
Of my death hath trod.
He gave up His blood.
He was nailed to my tree,
That the angel of death
Would Passover me.
For the blood on my hands,
Was the Lamb crucified.
For the exceedingly sinful,
The sinless One died.
For if justice has judgment,
The guilty must pay;
Or there can be no mercy,
Only moral decay.
There is only one verdict
To end all the strife,
And a price has been paid—
A life for a life.
I really like your using Passover, the noun, as a verb -- kind of a play on the event of (and feast of) Passover... not merely passing over... but Passovering, which alludes to the huge significance of what Christ did.
For a straightforwardly put message in rhyming poetry, I think you've done an excellent job, Mark0! [:D]
In the style that I use in my products for work and for my own writing, not only do I capitalize He, Him, and His when referring to the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit; but I also capitalize words that refer to Deity, like Lamb, One, and so forth. Hence, my capping of those words in this version of your poem.
You also get kudos for good spelling! [sm=gradsmile.gif]
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