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preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 7:42:38 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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Well years ago when my now teenager was around 10 I heard a pastor talking about how to prepare you teenagers for adulthood. He talked about giving kids boundaries such as nothing immodest or permanent but otherwise let them make their own decisions. When parents say no make sure to back it up with a reason. Do not just say because I said so. At first I thought that was nuts but the more my older friends who were very strict have kids rebel the moment They move out. Sure their kids behaved while at home, They looked neat and clean every ounce of them looked like a good christian teenager. Then They turned 18 and that was it. One friend has a kid that will not talk to her to this day. She was not mean just strict in what she let her kids do.A year or so ago she saw me being strict with Jack and advised me to let him have some freedom. I have a close friend who was strict with one child who turned 18 and to this day is a heavy partier and has been in several relationships that would have even non Christians raising their eyebrows. Now with her new teenager she is doing the opposite and letting him have much more freedom. I wonder if she is thinking she was too strict with her older child. Sad thing is that there are even more stories just like that among my christian friends who were strict. Now on the other hand I have older friends who let their teenagers have plenty of freedom and their kids grew up and are doing great. They are still in church some are getting married but They are close as ever to their parents. So I wonder what is the right thing to do here. Jack is on the verge of being able to get his licence. I wonder if keeping him close to home will only start resentment and lead to another case of a good kid gone bad.
So what is your opinion?
_____________________________
<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 7:49:18 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6955
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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Most would probably think me pretty strict. However, in our home we really do discuss everything--and we discuss the background. We also discuss the results of others' decisions. So, for instance, we have some neighbors and one has an alcohol problem, one has a drug problem, and the kids run wild. The boys see the results of these behaviors and discuss them with me.
Also, when I do lay down a law, we generally talk about the why of it. God does pretty much the same thing in His word. (Do this....for....)
In addition, rules change as the children grow older and more mature. What is acceptable for the 15 yo is not necessarily acceptable for the near 13 yo..and occasionally vice-versa if the near-13 yo has demonstrated a capability the 15 yo has not.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 7:58:22 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8867
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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My parents were pretty strict with me and my brothers and none of us seriously rebelled:
no secular music
no staying out late
no just going out and hanging out. It was assumed you were home unless there was an important reason to be out
worked and expected to save our money for college tuition
no earings for any of us.
no skipping church
no Santa, Easter bunny, etc.
these rules basically applied any time we lived in their homes...like through college until married.
I think we both listen to some secular now but never totally threw out the Christian music and we listen to relativelly tame stuff: like the oldies channel. I did get one piercing in my ears after college but ended up letting them grow closed.
However, none of us ever turned our backs on CHristianity or totally rebelled. We've all stayed pretty conservative and are raising our children the same way. My grandparents raised their kids taht way with the same results. I have one cousin that rebelled for a few years but is walking with God again and on the right track.
OTOH: my dad's brother didn't raise his kids with many boundaries, etc and none of them are walking with the Lord and 3/4 of them are a total mess. My aunt is a CHristian and my uncle probably claimed to be but didn't really act it until right before he died. My maternal grandmother is a Christian too but again her husband didn't act it. I never knew him. He drank himself to death before my parents married.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:00:13 PM
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LivePrayDream
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Joined: 6/20/2008
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I will have an open door policy with my child based upon her responsibility level. She proves to me that she's mature and can make good informed decisions? Cool beans. If not, we change the rules to suit the situation. I will always have a valid reason for why I am doing things; because "I said so" isn't a valid or sound argument. I hope my child will have the same relationship with me as I do my mom; I can go to her about anything and discuss things with her as though she were my friend and confidant. I don't want to give my child anything to rebel against if I can help it. Case in point, when I was 14, I wanted my nose pierced. My mother said no because my grades were slipping and I did not take care of my ear piercings that I already had. I worked harder in school and I took better care of my ears and approached her again when I was 15 for my birthday, and she allowed it. *shrugs*
I would much, much rather have my child come to me and say "Mom, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex, but we used a condom and I am taking the pill. Thank you for the information you provided and access to these things" instead of "Mom, I had sex with my boyfriend and I am pregnant" or "Mom, I had sex and now I am HIV positive".
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:08:15 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8867
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
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LPD: I get the impression you would rather have a child who did what they wanted because you never had many loving discussions with them about things that are not appropriate behavior and why than a child who knew what was right or wrong and did them anyway.
IOW: you'd rather have the same action performed (ie premarital sex) because they think there's nothing wrong with it than because you've told them they shouldn't and they do it just to go against you.
You also seem to be ignoring a third option like I said above of lovingly discussing many times as a course of life that certain activities are not allowed and why and the consequences of those actions: both "natural" and "parental" It appears that it is all or nothing for you.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:08:56 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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I like those rules, Zoebob.
I have five younger brothers and sisters. The youngest is only 13. The next one up will live the rest of his life with a disease contracted from needle sharing. He had very little boundaries...and pushed them all. He was bored and not challenged, and was left to do 'what was right in his own eyes' as the Bible talks about.
The next one up from him turned out pretty well-he was touched early on by the Lord and because of his firm faith and rather black-and-white views of right and wrong, he stayed on a good path.
Next up from him had a mom who was at wit's end at a certain point and let him do as he chose. He eventually got out of the illegal stuff, however, he lives only for himself, for the most part.
Next one up is my middle sister, who was basically not parented beyond the first few years as our parents were busy working and things, and she will never be a contributing member of society. There are other problems at work there, but they could have been overcome by a little discipline and a lot of work.
Then there is me, and I didn't exactly rebel...because there was nothing to rebel against. For the most part I was given no rules and few guidelines. When I was 17 and stayed out late and lied about it, I was given a curfew that I never once kept. The reason I rebelled against it was not that it was a ridiculous rule...it was that my mom had not earned the respect needed to set that rule. She left me to make my own decisions until that day, and then she realized that I had made a bad one, but by that time, it was too late to implement any rules. I was pregnant shortly thereafter and moved out and married my now-ex-husband.
So, I do things differently with my kids. Have they broken rules, scoffed and rebelled? Oh, about as much as any normal child. But for the most part they make really good decisions, and I see them growing in wisdom every day. I don't worry and I really don't think they will head for the heathen hills the day they turn 18.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:14:28 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 8867
Joined: 4/13/2005
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Some of you will probably really gasp at this but:
When we were in school we had to be in bed by 9 PM. Of course we had to get up by 6 and my parents wanted an hour to themselves before going to bed at 10 themselves.
When we were old enough to work, go out with friends, etc we were on a tight leash...even through college when home for summers/weekends. I was expected to be home within 15 minutes of getting out of work. When I was in college and had a boyfriend in my home area I had to be in by 1o PM. WHY? Because my parents had to get up for work in the AM and didn't want to be worried about us and kept up sot hey couldn't work the next day. It wasn't to be mean but if we were going to be part of the household we needed to be home at a decent hour (about 10 pm) so that they didn't have to be woken up by us coming in later or wake up at 3 Am and have to wonder if we had gotten home or not.
Of course there were exceptions for special occasions but these were the general rules. We all excepted them and stood by them. If we didn't like them we could have found our own place and paid for college by ourselves, etc.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:21:19 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16937
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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We had very strict rules and boundaries for our girls, too. Like Jenny, many would think too much so. But they had very firm boundaries and total consistency from the time they were little, so it was no big change for them when they became teenagers and had firm boundaries. It was expected by them and they knew trying to get around them would not be tolerated. They are now 20 and 24 and have never gone wild, or sneaked out, or done any of the things parents warned us our kids would do for being "too strict". Instead, they show us the utmost respect and still ask us what we think and talk over their choices with us.
Some kids will rebel no matter how they are handled...strict or not, boundaries or not. I think age appropriate freedoms for a teenager is beneficial to them and their development as a young adult, but I don't think being what some would term as "too strict" automatically means rebellion. It didn't for us.
_____________________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:34:55 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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Unmarried sex is equally bad if there is a child or an STD or neither. I would certainly not encourage my child to think a condom made it a better idea.
I would, however, give them what I did not have-reasons and tools to help make the RIGHT decision, not excuses to make the bad one.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:39:19 PM
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mommyplus3
Posts: 56
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the boundaries that i have are extremely strict, however, i would probably be viewed as a lenient parent. some of the rules i have:
be kind
be respectfull
dress modestly (according to a mutually agreed on definition)
be truthful (lying is not at all condoned)
i reserve the right to make approval of friends before they are allowed to hang out away from home
secular music is fine...unless it crosses the line
things that i am lenient on:
piercings - both girls (11 and 13) have 2 sets of holes in each ear, son (9) has an earring, and 13 yo has a belly ring
curfews (not totally applicable yet) are a case by case basis
bedtime is what works for us at the time
internet usage (though we have very concrete boundaries that are not allowed to be crossed)
tv and movies (watched with us...many great discussions can occur)
the point is that i allow my kids to express themselves, and don't try to protect them from all the evil in the world. i like that they can come home to a family that will support them and steer them in the right direction....as opposed to later when we're not right there.
and as i've said before...only a parent knows their child. you have to do what works for you and your family 
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:45:13 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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quote:
allow my kids to express themselves
I agree that this is important. While I would not allow piercings, I don't care about hair (as long as it can be kept clean), clothes (as long as they are modest...but really both boys have a good sense of modesty, but very different 'styles'), music STYLE (I do care about lyrics), etc. I do care about respect, responsibility, decent language, and those behaviors about which the Bible speaks. Personal expression is otherwise free.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:51:31 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16937
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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LivePrayDream,
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com concerning the status of your account. Please allow time for a response and do not post under any other names until that time. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Karlie
Forums Moderator
_____________________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 8:58:05 PM
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mommyplus3
Posts: 56
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oh my goodness...i so agree with the song lyrics!! we just faced that in the past few weeks with a horribly nasty song that my kids had heard about at school. even though hubby and i were scarlet red with embarassment (it was that bad), we discussed it and the reason that it wasn't allowed. the next time it came on in the car, before i realized what it was, they turned the station. a very proud moment for me ;o)
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/8/2008 11:03:49 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6955
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From: WA
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The thing about music is that it's a very quick, easy and nearly unconcious way to memorize things...so if it's bad stuff, it's a bad way to go. Sometimes an old song will come on and I will be singing along and it'll hit me what was actually coming out of my mouth when I was a child!
One of my boys has very eclectic taste. He listens to some stuff that I really don't enjoy, but he has chosen out of his iTunes collection a whole bunch of songs that he put in their own playlist--labeled 'for mom' because we both like them. He loves broadway music, edgier CCM, classical, opera...just about everything but jazz.
The other, I am sorry to say, thinks Wierd Al is the highest form of musical expression.  But he is 12, so I am hoping he will outgrow it.
Brandon knows that if I can't understand what they are singing, he'd better have the lyrics written out or on a web page for me to read! LOL
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/9/2008 12:02:05 AM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 1890
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:
ORIGINAL: zoebob
Some of you will probably really gasp at this but:
When we were in school we had to be in bed by 9 PM. Of course we had to get up by 6 and my parents wanted an hour to themselves before going to bed at 10 themselves.
When we were old enough to work, go out with friends, etc we were on a tight leash...even through college when home for summers/weekends. I was expected to be home within 15 minutes of getting out of work. When I was in college and had a boyfriend in my home area I had to be in by 1o PM. WHY? Because my parents had to get up for work in the AM and didn't want to be worried about us and kept up sot hey couldn't work the next day. It wasn't to be mean but if we were going to be part of the household we needed to be home at a decent hour (about 10 pm) so that they didn't have to be woken up by us coming in later or wake up at 3 Am and have to wonder if we had gotten home or not.
Of course there were exceptions for special occasions but these were the general rules. We all excepted them and stood by them. If we didn't like them we could have found our own place and paid for college by ourselves, etc.
LOL ... did you live at my house??? Are you really a sister I never knew?? I had to be inside by the time the streetlights came on in the winter (6ish at the latest). I was in my room by 9 (usually ended up reading until almost midnight, though ... books are way too interesting to put down part way through!) I was always up by 6am.
The only night I stayed out past streetlight time was Thursday, as I was at church choir practice.
When I was able to go to a friend's house, it was a given that a call would be received over there at least once to check up on things.
My only "job" while in highschool was babysitting, and those could get to be late nights ... but all the people I sat for were teachers, so they usually booked me for weekends instead of school nights ... and if it was a school night (like parent-teacher interviews followed by a staff meeting) they insisted I spend the night, and they brought me to school the next morning. On weekends, I was expected to call home the moment the parents arrived back at the residence, so my family would know what time I'd be getting home (I was always provided with a ride home)
The music I listened to as a child & teen? Beethoven, Brahm, and Bach ... and all the other classics. I have a very deep love and appreciation for music because of this. I play every instrument except brass, and teaching music helped me pay for my first apartment.
Hmm ... did all this strictness cause me to rebel??? No ... I'm married with (soon to be) 5 children. We are all very much involved in our church and community service. I've very thankful for the way I was raised ... a lot of my former classmates who were raised rather permissively ended up as parents as quite a young age (13 or 14).
And for the record ... I was raised by my grandmother and great-uncle ... my mother was raised quite permissively and ended up dead at age 19 because of her poor choices (I was two at the time) ... she very rarely had heard the word 'no' so ended up addicted to drugs and married to a man (my bio father) who killed her in a drunken rage. I'd much rather impose tight rules and have the kids upset now and thank me later, than to have virtually no rules and end up in trouble later.
_____________________________
Kara
Tea Drinkers Anonymous
<-- Caleb Nicholas 08/15/08
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/9/2008 12:03:05 AM
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cynthia
Posts: 7919
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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Parenting isn’t about rules and regulations to keep kids in line. It is about parenting the heart. This is done by completely loving and accepting your children, building them in encouragement, setting good, healthy boundaries for them and most of all in teaching them to love the Lord our God with all their hearts, souls and might. The word in Deuteronomy 6 tells us that it is possible to do this through teaching them diligently throughout the day and night.
The focus in our home is to instruct our children in righteousness and to help them build their character. We set an example, then we help them make good choices based on the word of God. We teach them how to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and we teach them that this is their responsibility, not mine or Dad’s. They each have to take responsibility for their own relationship with the Lord, or they don’t really have a relationship with Him. We help them in their prayers and guide them. We have them study God’s word, pray and memorize scripture. But the bottom line is that it is a personal choice that will impact every aspect of their lives.
We teach them how to repent and how to walk with the Lord. As they do this, they can see a direct correlation between their obedience to the Lord and the amount of peace and joy they have in their lives. Of course it’s important for children to obey their parents, but ultimately it’s about obeying the Lord. They have to be in relationship with Him.
Each of my children are growing in this truth. My children are eight, eleven and fourteen. Of course the fourteen year old is way ahead of her siblings, because she is more mature in every way than they are, including spiritually. We are teaching them to own their lives and their relationships. I can see the fruit of this most clearly in my fourteen year old. She has some really great friends that she is well connect to, but for wisdom and help, she comes to me first. I am a strong mother and she sees me as Mother, not as girlfriend, however she also considers me to be her best friend, because she can count on me to be there for her and to help her through anything she might have need of. She is vitally aware that I have her best interests at heart and will do my best to help her to grow and flourish.
Funny thing is, even though we have firm boundaries and my children are certainly sheltered, they have lots of room to grow, to fail, to recover and to explore. My fourteen year old in particular is very wise for her age. People are constantly telling me how amazing she is. She is full of life and energy. She owns her education and her future and is fully engaged in choosing where she is going and how she is going to get there. It is very exciting to watch her. My latest epiphany is that she is growing wings and it is a beautiful thing to watch, but it’s also sad, because she is going to use those strong, healthy wings to fly away.
_____________________________
When you stand up for what’s right, don’t expect the one in the wrong to be happy about. He may get very angry. That doesn’t mean you should back down and give in. It means you need to stand firm and diligently pray for him and for yourself.
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/9/2008 1:17:09 AM
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Stronger2day
Posts: 106
Joined: 5/26/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
Parenting isn’t about rules and regulations to keep kids in line. It is about parenting the heart. This is done by completely loving and accepting your children, building them in encouragement, setting good, healthy boundaries for them and most of all in teaching them to love the Lord our God with all their hearts, souls and might. The word in Deuteronomy 6 tells us that it is possible to do this through teaching them diligently throughout the day and night.
The focus in our home is to instruct our children in righteousness and to help them build their character. We set an example, then we help them make good choices based on the word of God. We teach them how to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and we teach them that this is their responsibility, not mine or Dad’s. They each have to take responsibility for their own relationship with the Lord, or they don’t really have a relationship with Him. We help them in their prayers and guide them. We have them study God’s word, pray and memorize scripture. But the bottom line is that it is a personal choice that will impact every aspect of their lives.
We teach them how to repent and how to walk with the Lord. As they do this, they can see a direct correlation between their obedience to the Lord and the amount of peace and joy they have in their lives. Of course it’s important for children to obey their parents, but ultimately it’s about obeying the Lord. They have to be in relationship with Him.
Each of my children are growing in this truth. My children are eight, eleven and fourteen. Of course the fourteen year old is way ahead of her siblings, because she is more mature in every way than they are, including spiritually. We are teaching them to own their lives and their relationships. I can see the fruit of this most clearly in my fourteen year old. She has some really great friends that she is well connect to, but for wisdom and help, she comes to me first. I am a strong mother and she sees me as Mother, not as girlfriend, however she also considers me to be her best friend, because she can count on me to be there for her and to help her through anything she might have need of. She is vitally aware that I have her best interests at heart and will do my best to help her to grow and flourish.
Funny thing is, even though we have firm boundaries and my children are certainly sheltered, they have lots of room to grow, to fail, to recover and to explore. My fourteen year old in particular is very wise for her age. People are constantly telling me how amazing she is. She is full of life and energy. She owns her education and her future and is fully engaged in choosing where she is going and how she is going to get there. It is very exciting to watch her. My latest epiphany is that she is growing wings and it is a beautiful thing to watch, but it’s also sad, because she is going to use those strong, healthy wings to fly away.
This is an inspiring post; I am truly looking forward to being a mommy someday.
_____________________________
"The journey from your mind to your hands is shorter than you're thinking. Be careful if you think you stand, you just might be sinking."
(Slow Fade/Casting Crowns)
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/10/2008 12:56:59 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
Posts: 929
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline
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Some things I am very strict on and others I am also pretty easy going about. I have let Jack what he thinks is dating. So far it has been nothing more then talking to a girl on the phone or going to hang out at a park with her and her parents. Hey if that is what he thinks dating is then I say ok. I have told him no getting in a car with a girl or even a group of kids and going out. There has to be a parent either hers or us. So far there have been no problems there. I do let him listen to secular music. I told him to be careful about words and not to listen to it around Jessica. I let him on the computer but much spying by me has shown that he behaves himself. Other kids on the other hand have been shocked when I got on and told them the rules and if they could not obey then they could go find someone else to talk to online. Jack was mortified at first but now they all know me and my rules. I somehow still managed to be a cool mom in their eyes.
_____________________________
<------- Jessica and I had so much fun with grandma!
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RE: preventing teenage rebellion - 7/10/2008 8:23:55 PM
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