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too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 1:05:03 AM
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aldrmctchr
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I am in the process of a divorce that has been a while coming. I never dated much before him - we were married over 15 years. Not to toot my own horn, but people say I am loving, sweet, intelligent, loyal, and have all these fantastic attributes. A lot of times, people say I am too nice, but I am overweight (however I am not sloppy, or run down looking - I take care of myself and am fairly healthy)
Is there such a thing as being too nice?
And my second question is (it has been a long time since I dated and things have changed!) how do I know if a guy is just chatting with me or is interested?
Very curious......
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 1:42:58 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
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From: So Cal
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Chatting?!...as in online? face to face? Just be yourself and time will tell if he's interested.
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Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 1:57:35 AM
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aldrmctchr
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Face to face, this person works at a bank and I am working with him on something and we talked first on the phone, like for 30 minutes after the bank hours were over and not about the banking matter. He then said maybe when our business at the bank was finished we could go out and have a drink. That was before he knew what I looked like (overweight part). But he also said he was working after hours the next week and called me twice to talk about my business matter after 8 PM. The message was so long it cut him off and he had to call back.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 4:17:34 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 578
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From: Washington, Indiana
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quote:
ORIGINAL: aldrmctchr
I am in the process of a divorce that has been a while coming. I never dated much before him - we were married over 15 years. Not to toot my own horn, but people say I am loving, sweet, intelligent, loyal, and have all these fantastic attributes. A lot of times, people say I am too nice, but I am overweight (however I am not sloppy, or run down looking - I take care of myself and am fairly healthy)
Is there such a thing as being too nice?
And my second question is (it has been a long time since I dated and things have changed!) how do I know if a guy is just chatting with me or is interested?
Very curious......
As a man who has also been told he is "too nice", I believe that there is no such thing as being "too nice". I have been told on many occasions by male friends and acquaintances and by women that I have dated that I am "too nice" and I never hear from the women again. These same women talk about how they want a man who will treat them with gentleness and respect. How they wish they could find a genuine "nice guy", but they will inevitably turn down that "nice guy" and marry a man who is abusive phyically, mentally and emotionally.
There have been several threads on CW concerning this very topic and judging from the bulk of the responses posted, I believe that people who say you are "too nice' don't really think you're "too nice" but simply want a person who is bad and refuse to admit it to themselves and others.
These people will always have a variety of excuses: You're too weak. You're passive. You're a yes-man. You're a milquetoast. You're not ambitious. You're not assertive. You're aren't capable of protecting/defending your family. You're dull. You're boring. And on ...and on...and on... However, being "nice" does not exclude charm, excitement, strength (both of mind and character), assertiveness, decisiveness, independant thought, intelligence, loyalty, reliability, ambition and ability. But the sad fact of it is; most of America, christians included, believe it does. What they are really saying is that they crave the danger and risk that comes with associating with people of bad character.
I blame TV and movies for the most part. The majority of the viewing public in America have swallowed the lies Satan has told through these venues, that the "bad boy/girl" is not really bad, but only a tragic hero/heroine who need only the love of a woman/man to turn them to the right track. And unfortunately, a vast number of christian men and women believe this lie as strongly as the unbelieving masses do.
My advice is do not change. Do not compromise your principles. Do not alter the way you behave. Do not change yourself in any way simply to satisfy the vulgar beliefs of people who believe that being nice is an undesirable trait.
Think about this. What would those people who tell you that you're "too nice" have you do? Become violent and argumentative, obnoxious, rude, self-centered and self-serving? To stop being the good and nice person you are just for the sake of getting a date? If that's their idea of a desirable date/mate then I believe it would be better to remain single the rest of my life than become a person I would hate for the rest of my life.
As for your second question, it certainly seems he's interested. He at least enjoys your company and that's a step in the right direction.
< Message edited by Pauley464 -- 4/26/2008 4:27:56 PM >
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There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 6:07:20 PM
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ChoirDJ
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Just picked up on the fact that you are in the process of a divorce. I think it would be prudent to complete that process and give yourself time to heal emotionally because you will experience a wide range of emotions and the distraction of another relationship will likely muddy the waters. I'm also in the process of a divorce after 14 years of marriage and I wouldn't even consider dating until it's completely finalized at the very least.
As far as being to nice is concerned, if people are able to take advantage of you or take liberties with you that the wouldn't with the average person, the you may very well have an assertivenes problem. Jesus was loving but He also carried himself in such a way that exhibited confidence.
In response to what Pauley said, I don't think women necessarily want men who are the "Bad Boy" types but they do want someone who has a backbone, who will protect them, and who will confidently lead them with respect. I believe a lot of women are attracted to the "bad boy" types because bad boys at least have some backbone and confidence even if it is misplaced. Unfortunately many christian men have gone to the opposite extreme of the bad boy and have become spiritual wusses so to speak. I don't believe women feel secure with a man that will be a pushover although some would use or take advantage of such a man.
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 4/26/2008 6:22:29 PM >
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 9:03:00 PM
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aldrmctchr
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I feel my marriage has been dead for at least the last 3-4 years, that is what my soon to be legally ex says too. This is not the first time he has had, shall we say, questionable behavior. I chose to forgive him and we went to counseling and he went through anger management. That just made it worse. Sure he was fine for a while but when he thought it was safe to come out again, the "real" him came right back full throttle. He steadily started a rapid decline and instead of becoming less verbally abusive, it got worse and he went from a few slaps in the head over the 15 years to last August hitting me with his knuckles and leaving a bruise and threatening me twice, although he said he was "just kidding". I did not think it was funny at all and finally woke up and smelled the coffee and told him we needed to be apart for a while to work on ourselves and he bolted out for the divorce option so fast it would make your head spin! We are in the mandatory waiting period now, which only has a few days left to go.
The reason I asked about being too nice and about if he might be interested is because I DO NOT want to be in any kind of serious relationship right now, but a few new friends wouldn't hurt for now. And eventually I would like to be a part of a person's life, but things have definitely changed since I last dated and I wasn't that great at it then! Being divorced for me is just a piece of paper, he was here but he checked out on me a long time ago.
I am VERY assertive in just about everything I do, but for him....I think because I was so naive, that someone you love could never hurt you on purpose....I can guarantee you now I know that they can and will if you LET THEM. It will not happen again!!! I have become a MUCH STRONGER woman and an example of God's mercy and grace and hope to be able to witness to other women in the same boat that as long as you follow God's will and not your own, He will be there every step of the way. Sorry so long..I am a very passionate and "talkative" person!
PS thanks for the responses!! 
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 9:11:07 PM
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aldrmctchr
Posts: 26
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quote:
To stop being the good and nice person you are just for the sake of getting a date? If that's their idea of a desirable date/mate then I believe it would be better to remain single the rest of my life than become a person I would hate for the rest of my life.
And as far as this goes...I would never compromise my ideals and my beliefs for a date. No matter what the say or do...I wasn't willing to do that for my spouse because what he was doing was wrong and he could not handle the truth so it was easier for him to just walk away. This statement above could not sum up any better what I think, which is why I am worried I will never find a person who is willing to accept me just the way I am, strong beliefs and all!
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 10:00:00 PM
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colliefan
Posts: 2157
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Raleigh, NC
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quote:
This statement above could not sum up any better what I think, which is why I am worried I will never find a person who is willing to accept me just the way I am, strong beliefs and all!
Perfect loves casts out fear. In time, and in His will, God may bring you a man that will accept you for who you are. For now, you need emotional healing from this nightmare. Be careful that these wounds do not lead you into another unhealty relationship. Just be led by the spirit and follow his leading.
_____________________________
The grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.
A. W. Tozer (1897–1963)
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 10:00:59 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 578
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From: Washington, Indiana
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quote:
In response to what Pauley said, I don't think women necessarily want men who are the "Bad Boy" types but they do want someone who has a backbone, who will protect them, and who will confidently lead them with respect. I believe a lot of women are attracted to the "bad boy" types because bad boys at least have some backbone and confidence even if it is misplaced.
The statement in bold letters demonstrates my point. The assumption is "If you're a 'nice guy', you have no backbone."
Thank you ChoirDJ for proving my point. Way too many people are confusing aggression and abusiveness with confidence and back bone. People who are nice have as much backbone and confidence as any "bad boy". But people assume we don't because we aren't out there picking fights in an attempt to prove it.
I still say that if they wanted a "nice guy", they'd find themselves one. Because "nice guys" have as much backbone and confidence as any "bad boy" They are going for the "bad boys because that's what they want.
< Message edited by Pauley464 -- 4/26/2008 10:14:41 PM >
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There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/26/2008 10:54:50 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
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From: So Cal
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Uhhh...eerrr...I didn't intentionally bold that statement, that was a typo. I agree in part with you...All I am saying is there has to be a balance and I think a lot of men confuse being thoughtful and considerate with being a pushover. There are a lot of nice guys out there that are pushovers and I think that is a turn off to many women (not all because there's always exceptions).
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/28/2008 8:40:14 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 578
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From: Washington, Indiana
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quote:
I don't understand why people don't get this. I have posted on this subject many times before, but it doesn't seem to sink in. Women do not want men who will treat them like garbage. As John Gray said in Mars & Venus on a Date, it is a myth that woman prefer bad boys. He says, "How many young women whisper to a friend before they walk down the aisle, 'I'm so excited . . . He's such a jerk'?" The reality is that when the woman first met the "jerk," she thought he was nice. What makes her run from a "nice guy" is his tendency to want, expect, and give too much and to be much further along in the relationship than she is. A guy who doesn't appear to care that much isn't pushing for more than the woman is willing to give, which makes him more attractive. An example is a guy I knew at work who was interested in me. I used to go to his office on a regular basis and just blab away with him like I would do with a girlfriend, but I only saw him as a friend. Then, one day, he politely told me he didn't have time to talk right then because he was working on a rush project. Another time, he was friendly and talkative with me for a few minutes then said he had to finish something up and kept working when I didn't leave right away. Suddenly, he became very attractive to me, not because he was being a jerk, but because he set some limits with me and didn't allow me to dominate his time any more. I wish more guys could understand this.
In response to the anonymous lady who PMed you ChoirDJ.
What you have described is not a "nice-guy". You are describing a person who has become a "yes-man" and "people pleaser". Although some men have become people pleasers, not every "nice-guy is a "people pleaser". Some men have fallen into that habit out the desire to ingratiate themselves with women and wind up hurting their chances to impress rather than helping.
What ends up happening though is when a woman meets a man who treats her with respect and courtesy, an alarm goes off in her head saying, "Nice-guy equals pushover!" and the result is that she never takes the time to get to know him better.
My question for you is, "Why should I become as rude and dismissive as your coworker in order to get a womans attention?"
_____________________________
There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/28/2008 11:13:49 PM
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doer
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1. the word is ingratiating, I try to avoid those people.
2. the only real way to know is if he comes right out ans says it, or if you take the bold step and ask...... if you come right out and ask, he will probably think that you have the hots for him.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/29/2008 12:44:46 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
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From: So Cal
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I know your question was directed toward me but I would like to make a comment if you don't mind.
Here's part of her quote:
quote:
"Suddenly, he became very attractive to me, not because he was being a jerk, but because he set some limits with me and didn't allow me to dominate his time any more. I wish more guys could understand this."
What she describes as setting appropriate boundaries or "some limits" for the relationship (a very important leadership quality for a spiritual woman), you describe as being rude and dismissive. It is not rude or dismissive for the man to set the tone for a prospective relationship. A spiritually-minded woman knows that it is God's expectation for her to respect and submit to the man she marries and I think it's a stumbling block for women to submit to men who they perceive to be wussy leaders. You can be caring and considerate yet set appropriate boundaries for the relationship and I think that's what the anonymous poster was alluding to.
A spiritual woman will sense a weak man and probably wont want to invest any more time in getting to know that person better and there's nothing wrong with that. It's no different for us men. We would be equally turned off by the woman who felt a need to constantly lock horns with us or show us up at every turn. Would you want to get to know a woman better who showed this tendency? Your hinting in your replies that the women you've dated have not taken the time to get to know you and the implication there is that it takes multiple dates to get to know someone. I would argue that you could get a good sense of what someone is all about after just one encounter.
EDITED TOS 18
< Message edited by Kath -- 4/29/2008 2:16:39 PM >
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/29/2008 12:26:44 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 578
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Washington, Indiana
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quote:
A spiritual woman will sense a weak man and probably wont want to invest any more time in getting to know that person better and there's nothing wrong with that. It's no different for us men. We would be equally turned off by the woman who felt a need to constantly lock horns with us or show us up at every turn. Would you want to get to know a woman better who showed this tendency? Your hinting in your replies that the women you've dated have not taken the time to get to know you and the implication there is that it takes multiple dates to get to know someone. I would argue that you could get a good sense of what someone is all about after just one encounter.
BTW Women. It says that both genders could post on this thread so feel free to chime in and help us men on out.
Are saying that every woman who has gone out with me only one time and decided that I fit into the "nice guy" category is right and that I am weak? You have absolutely no way of knowing me that well after only a few posts. There is no way you can get to know a person on that deep a level after only one encounter or only a few posts on a website. One encounter will only give you the most shallow impressions of a persons character. To make the assumption that you have divined the depths of their soul and mind after only one encounter is hubris of the highest order.
You cannot paint every "nice guy" with the same brush. Saying that every "nice guy" is weak is on the same level as saying that every woman is a bad driver. It's damaging, insulting and wrong.
And BTW, the rules state that ONLY the lady originating the thread can respond to the guys posts.
_____________________________
There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/29/2008 2:10:50 PM
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Kath
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
BTW Women. It says that both genders could post on this thread so feel free to chime in and help us men on out.
You are wrong. Only men are allowed to respond to a thread in He Says. The only woman allowed to post is the one who starts the thread. Please do not disregard the rules. To do so will cause a report to be filed against the offender's account.
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< Message edited by Kath -- 4/29/2008 2:18:26 PM >
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/29/2008 2:18:47 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
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From: So Cal
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Thanks for your clarification on the policy. It wasn't my intention to violate it and I apologize for not reading it more carefully.
Now to your question. I'll use the illustration of eating at a restaurant to make my point although it is admittedly not the best analogy. Suppose you go to a restaurant to eat dinner but upon entering the restaurant it doesn't appear to be sanitary, the waiter is rude, and the appetizers are stale. Are you going to bother staying for the meal or would you decide not to eat at that restaurant based on what you had seen so far?
On the other hand, what if the appetizers and customer service were great? You'd not only eat there but you would be excited about coming back again. Relationships are similar in that that initial information leaves an impression and the decision to stay for dinner or return is based on that first impression. You know the saying "you never get a second chance to make a first impression." It's the same way with a job interview. In most cases you don't get multiple opportunities to prove that you are the ideal candidate for the job. I would say any man that has gone on dates with different women (and the women declined to accept an invitation for a second date) there is something about that man's approach that triggered that "thanks but no thanks" response. It would be the man's job to figure out what it is and make some changes to get different results and it may not necessarily be an issue of being "too nice." It could be a number of things including poor table manners, courtesy, your spiritual maturity and what you talk about on that first encounter. Assertiveness and strong leadership are just two of numerous factors a woman might be looking for. We can argue about how unfair it is to not be given more time to prove how great a catch we might be but it's human nature to make decisions off of those first impressions and this principle transcends to just about any type of relationship.
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 4/29/2008 2:25:04 PM >
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/29/2008 10:48:25 PM
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aldrmctchr
Posts: 26
Joined: 4/26/2008
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I am the one who asked this originally. I have decided through this process of divorce that he is definitely misguided in his attempts to be any type of "marital leader". He just wants to be in control, no matter how he could get, including the bad things I have been through. I partially blame myself for not having enough wisdom to respond in the way that God wanted me to. IN the beginning I got suckered into that whole he won't do that anymore, he said he was sorry, etc....etc. At an earlier point in the marriage some years ago I believe I disobeyed God for not following through with a demand I made to my husband for loyalty, respect, love, and compassion. Sure it got better for about 6 months or so, then progressively spiraled down. And I definitely have not gotten those things from him and I should have stood my ground! Because it was God's ground I was standing on, not my own. Does that make sense?
I know that nothing makes yelling and cursing and hitting your spouse ok. I should have been out of this a long time ago. But God is good and I know he watching over me and in control. I just need to keep in mind who is driving and that He has the directions. :)
One day I would hope to find someone who is a strong, God-filled man who heeds Christ's plan for marriage and can be man enough to do so without resorting to the devil's tools to do so. I won't know what to do with myself with someone who is constantly yelling and cursing?! And a compliment more often, are you kidding....it would be so wonderful. I can dream!!!!!
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 4/29/2008 10:50:09 PM
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aldrmctchr
Posts: 26
Joined: 4/26/2008
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who IS NOT yelling, cursing, etc....i meant to say
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 5/1/2008 1:15:13 PM
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SavedByGraceMD
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I don't think there is such a thing as being too nice. If someone has a problem with you being too nice, that is just an excuse. But I have heard that same thing myself over the years, and I have never understood it.
_____________________________
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 5/2/2008 5:34:21 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 315
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Usually when someone tells you "you're being too nice" what they are telling you is that you're letting others walk all over you and take advantage of your kindness. Granted there is nothing wrong with being kind but if people use you, take advantage of you, and take from you without reciprocating then you are being "toooooo nice."
I recently had a conversation with a christian friend who took up a sister's offer to buy him lunch if he changed her brakes on her car. Now this is a person that is known for allowing himself to be taken advantage of, yet, getting very frustrated about being used. I advised him to tell that sister to try offering that deal to any mechanic around and see how far she would get. His retort was that he is trying to set a good example by using his knowledge of cars a christian brother should do. The lights came on for him when another "christian" borrowed his car, damaged it by backing into a pole, and then getting angry at him when he confronted this christian on the damage. It's not beneficial to ourselves or the other person when we are "tooooo nice" so don't be.
_____________________________
Live each day as though it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: too nice? how do you know he is interested? - 5/4/2008 11:18:32 AM
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aldrmctchr
Posts: 26
Joined: 4/26/2008
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I am faced with that right now. I was being too nice to my soon to be ex spouse and he definitely ran over me. The thing is I really do not let others get away with stuff like that. I am not sure why I let him get away with it for so long. I am a very thinking person, so I must have pushed it way down. It wore me out emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I feel like I am free of a burden or shackles now. God is really working on me and I know it every day. I think what I am mourning is not the relationship (abusive as it was), but the hope of finding in him what I needed which was honor, respect, compassion, honesty, and loyalty. He is not all bad, he does have his good points, but he never wanted to share them with me. Really in a way I feel sorry for him. He won't let God work in his life even though he knows it is much needed. Oh well, gotta run and get to church.....
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